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Newest Member: Rlewis1226

Reconciliation :
Beyond regret and remorse

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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2019

Bumping up for new members

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8343888
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:56 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2019

Bumping

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8382642
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brokendollparts ( member #62415) posted at 12:16 AM on Friday, May 24th, 2019

This gives me so much hope. My FWH actually displays all signs of being contrite. I’m still extremely traumatized and suspicious but this makes me feel better today thank you

Me 46BS
Him 48WH
Married 25 Y
DDay #1 11/13/2017
DDay #2 1/22/2018
Attempting R since DDay #2

posts: 233   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2018
id 8382675
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, July 23rd, 2019

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8409540
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KdFenix12 ( member #69695) posted at 1:52 AM on Wednesday, July 24th, 2019

Thank you for bumping this. The contrition article was a great read and a good validation of what she is doing

BS
A: 2 physical encounters with mutual friend, 5 months of flirtatious texting
DD: 1/26/19

Attempting to recover and reconcile

posts: 53   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2019
id 8409807
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 6:26 AM on Wednesday, July 24th, 2019

Thanks for the bump -I'd not seen it before.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3826   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8409905
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Emotionalhell ( member #39902) posted at 11:52 AM on Thursday, August 1st, 2019

Bump

Me BS x2. 50Divorced WH #1Currently in limbo (with wayward #2)Dday #1 Oct. 2014Dday # 2 August 2018

posts: 1744   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2013
id 8413680
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:32 PM on Saturday, August 31st, 2019

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8430133
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:56 PM on Tuesday, October 15th, 2019

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8452473
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 2:06 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2020

bumped

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6612   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8493587
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 5:02 PM on Friday, February 12th, 2021

bumped

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6612   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8632812
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:04 PM on Sunday, March 7th, 2021

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8639932
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 11:58 AM on Monday, March 8th, 2021

I almost never mention empathy and remorse without making sure I add contrition. I rarely see this word used when advising others. I have even seen comments to the effect that it is incorrectly interpreted as unreasonable expectations or making someone do something instead of accepting their genuine remorse. The most poignant statement in this article, at least to me is that remorse is not contrition, but contrition relies on remorse to be present:

One of the more reliable outward signs that someone has really experienced a change of heart is their willingness and commitment to make amends. The contrite person is not only “sorry” for what he/she has done but is willing to repair the damage inflicted on the lives of others. Many irresponsible characters will challenge their understandably hesitant to trust again victims with retorts like: “I’ve said I’m sorry a million times now – what else do you want from me?!,” attempting all the while to throw the other party on the defensive for doubting their sincerity. Or they will cite some small efforts they have made over a relatively short period of time and then chide their victims for not immediately accepting those small gestures as concrete evidence of meaningful, sincere, permanent change. Contrite individuals understand that the burden of proof rests with them and that they owe those they have hurt a justifiable basis upon which to resume some degree of trust. A contrite person is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to regain good standing within a relationship.

Without being specific or calling out any one thread, we see this often where a BS has a need related the the contrite actions of their supposed remorseful spouse, but mostly just gets the "I'm filled with remorse" or actions that the WS wanted to serve as contrition but not the actions the BS needs to so contrition. It is often that this is not seen in the posts of BS's in R:

A contrite person is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to regain good standing within a relationship.

posts: 1756   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8640099
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:38 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8706917
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 7:46 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Love this article! But it does not change the BS's most common mistake:

"My WS is on the way to contrition! I see the signs, and I believe he/she is getting there, right?"

Most every post says this in one way or another.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:24 PM, Saturday, January 1st]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5682   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8706927
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Squish ( member #79546) posted at 8:04 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

(((((((((((Onlytime)))))))))

Thank you so much for posting this. I will be reading it soon. So grateful for your time and help.

[This message edited by Squish at 8:05 PM, Saturday, January 1st]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021
id 8706932
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 4:25 PM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Thanks for bumping!

posts: 280   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8708512
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:23 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Essential info. Should be pinned somewhere.

BW x2
Recovering
2020

posts: 444   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8708683
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 7:23 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Really truly a great read. I remember reading it years ago (shortly after D-Day) and finding it helpful when I was one of the "he’s getting it, right?" people that OIN is talking about. Useful now, years later, too.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1031   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8708738
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:38 PM on Tuesday, January 18th, 2022

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8710557
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