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Newest Member: Jokeisonme

Reconciliation :
Beyond regret and remorse

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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 11:55 PM on Thursday, December 22nd, 2016

Bump

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7736250
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Emotionalhell ( member #39902) posted at 3:20 PM on Saturday, December 24th, 2016

Great article.

Bump

Me BS x2. 50Divorced WH #1Currently in limbo (with wayward #2)Dday #1 Oct. 2014Dday # 2 August 2018

posts: 1736   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2013
id 7737533
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Kintsugi ( member #56710) posted at 12:26 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2017

One week into D and I question whether I did the right thing. Reading this and replaying the ugliness in my mind... yeah... it was the right thing as difficult as that is. Thanks!

DDay 1 February 2014 - EA (probably PA)
DDay 2 October 2015 - PA in 2015
DDay 3 & 4 November 2015 - 2 PAs in 2014
And probably much more.
Attempted False R - Divorced January 2017 Happy New Year!

posts: 100   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2017
id 7752674
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 3:51 PM on Friday, January 27th, 2017

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7768799
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ThomasTheTech ( new member #57256) posted at 9:20 PM on Friday, February 3rd, 2017

My D-day was 12/14/16. I have been lurking on this site since about a week later, reading your stories, and trying to gain whatever helpful info i could. I wasn't sure that i would make an account, i don't know if i really want to tell my story just yet. After reading this post though, i had to make an account just to say thank you for posting this onlytime. I now know what i really need to look for from my WW to know that R is even possible. Thank you again.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2017   ·   location: Kansas
id 7775672
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 11:26 PM on Friday, February 3rd, 2017

You're welcome Thomas.

It was this article that helped me to realize that my FWH was truly contrite. Prior to finding it I really struggled to understand what it meant and what it looked like.

I hope you'll stick around and share your story (when you are ready). I am glad you found SI.

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7775804
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, February 18th, 2017

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7789513
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 12:03 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2017

Bumping for anyone new that may find it helpful.

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7804727
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 1:51 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2017

onlytime - thank you so much for posting this; it is so helpful.

This:

A person’s genuine willingness and commitment to make amends is always accompanied by plan of action to accomplish precisely those ends. In short, a person’s actions always speak louder than their words or even their emotional expressions. And I’m not talking about demonstrative gestures that make good impressions on others like going back to church or getting religion once again. The contrite person conducts themselves in a fundamentally different manner than they historically have. They might not do so perfectly or every time. But they evidence a constant effort toward reforming their conduct, and when they fall short they readily admit it and do their best to get back on course.

This is the point I keep trying to make to my WS who is very smooth with his words and is outwardly doing everything right for R. But it is my WS's core that worries me because the issues that allowed him to A have not been addressed AND I have witnessed similar patterns after the A as before it, about which he cannot admit.

Sigh...

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2813   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 7804775
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2017

Bump.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27302   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7811595
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Foreverwondering ( member #57365) posted at 1:02 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2017

Thank you for the read.

BS 33
WS 34,
Together since 2007 married 2010.
2 children
DD1 may2015 caught EA blossoming COW
DD2 Dec 2016 (same COW, EA/PA)
R? D? Learning to Breathe as of right now

Ps. I edit because i have fat fingers and a stupid phone

posts: 92   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2017   ·   location: Seattle
id 7813329
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Carealot ( member #47603) posted at 4:10 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2017

Thanks Onlytime,

For some the original desire for contrition may exist, but the wayward may not necessarily be able to do the work.

Unfortunately for me,

XOXO

Me 56y/o BW
Him 56Y/O FWH BP
DD 29 DS31 WITH SZ
DDAY1 FOR EA JULY 2014 IMMEDIATE SEPARATION PER FWH WISHES
DID THE 180
DDAY #2 4/13/15
TT DDay #3&4 4/20/15 and 4/21/15 EA from last July was actually a PA till Dec.2014.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2015
id 7813449
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 1:47 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2017

Bumping for anyone that may find the article helpful.

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7866542
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:50 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2017

I was hoping someone would bump this thread. I had thought about it just a couple of days ago, and this gives me the opportunity to book mark it.

:)

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5654   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 7866595
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:10 PM on Thursday, June 8th, 2017

Bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27302   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7886133
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 11:54 AM on Monday, July 17th, 2017

Bump.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4352   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 7920710
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2BeBrave ( member #54371) posted at 12:39 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2017

Thank you. Very helpful.

Me: BS,58
Him:WH 55
Married 23 yrs; 2 kids(19 and 22)
DDay 5/8/2015 A from 11/12 to 9/14

posts: 173   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2016   ·   location: california
id 7920734
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psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 1:20 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2017

Not a newbie but found this reassuring today. Thanks for the bump!

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 7920761
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W3IRZ ( member #48882) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2017

I read this again this morning and I'd like to give some encouraging words to newbies.

In the beginning, my husband was regretful. He was a little remorseful, but a lot regretful. Then as we worked through things he was more remorseful than regretful and eventually contrition entered the picture. What I'm saying is that it wasn't a one day thing for him that it just clicked. For some it could be. For my FWS he had to work through all of the justifications and minimizations of the A. He had to debunk all of the fantasy and reground his life. As that was happening contrition was becoming closer too. During this time, just as the article says, he was not perfect with his acts of contrition. I'm not suggesting he was deceitful in anyway. I'm suggesting at times he fumbled to react the right way. But he remained diligent and dedicated. To me- that is what I needed.

It was nice to read this this morning to be reminded of how far we've come.

BS - me 42 on DD
FWH - him 44 on DD
Married 21 years on DD
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2015
id 7920879
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unbelievable24 ( member #59102) posted at 5:15 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2017

I am marking this article to read later. I am going to be out of the office later today, and it will be a good time to read it.

[This message edited by unbelievable24 at 11:27 AM, July 18th (Tuesday)]

Together 18 years, married 16
DDay #1 May 18, 2017 (MightyText - Ho Bag #1)
DDay #2 June 20, 2017 (Printed 6 mo phone records - Ho Bag #2
2 (Admitted) EAs
0 (Admitted) PAs
Me: BW 49
Him: WH 49

posts: 231   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2017
id 7920953
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