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Newest Member: Rlewis1226

Reconciliation :
Beyond regret and remorse

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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 1:48 AM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2016

Bump

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7692459
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easterlily ( member #52033) posted at 4:09 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2016

Very enlightening read

Me: MH
Him:MH
Married 25yrs
DDay April 2015
Limping along in R

posts: 273   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2016   ·   location: Australia
id 7694989
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JimmyB ( member #43976) posted at 1:23 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2016

I feel that Dr. Simon has the best handle on the truth of anyone I have read. He gets right through the phych babble and to straight to reality.

ME: 60 Madhatter, 1 PA, 6 months(making out, no sexual contact), 2006. 1 sexual act with a stranger in a car - w/hands, 2010.
WW: 57 Madhatter, 25 year (1988-2013) PA, 3 separate affairs, same OM). 8 year, 2005-2013, EA with 1st boyfriend/lover

posts: 570   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2014   ·   location: Ohio
id 7695226
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2016

Bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7697831
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:05 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2016

OnlyTime,

Thank you for this! I copied and pasted it into an email for my WH, in an attempt to explain the difference between his regret of his past behaviors, and remorse. It made it all make sense to him!1

I have beat my head against a wall for 20 years trying to get that through to him. Your eloquent post was all it took! (((hugs))) You rock!

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 7697870
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Forgotten ( new member #55703) posted at 3:35 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2016

Thank you onlytime for the great article!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Washington
id 7697896
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Furious1 ( member #42970) posted at 12:31 PM on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016

Bump.

BW (me): 46
2 adult kids
D-day: 10/4/13.
Divorced

posts: 7036   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 7698589
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iwanttoknow ( member #54264) posted at 3:00 PM on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016

Awesome read...

Thanks for the bump!! I really needed this today.

Dday - 8/30/2016

If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.......

posts: 70   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2016   ·   location: South
id 7698697
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:36 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2016

Bump

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 7701358
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psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 7:55 AM on Sunday, November 6th, 2016

Bump. Reread this today and believe more than ever that real change in a Wayward requires surrendering oneself totally to the one they betrayed, and commitment to deconstructing themself and rebuilding. I count myself among the fortunate that my fWH discovered much of this on his own and has stayed the course since DDay1. It has taken me 2 years to finally accept that the changes in him are real, that his word is good. This is a great source to help BS better understand what types of changes are the real changes most likely to predict positive changes in our WS.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4269   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 7701922
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Furious1 ( member #42970) posted at 12:10 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Bump

BW (me): 46
2 adult kids
D-day: 10/4/13.
Divorced

posts: 7036   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 7704159
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2016

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7709495
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JustShine ( member #42195) posted at 7:31 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2016

Yes, after 3 years, it has become crystal clear that contrition is definitely not what I'm seeing. In fact, I know if I sent WH this article, he would probably be defensive, and respond by saying, "sure I know. Everything is MY fault. I'm a horrible person."

Makes me sad. I used to think he was an amazing, solid guy.

DDay 10/23/13

Me 42, he 44
3 kids

posts: 204   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2014
id 7709948
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folio44 ( member #54534) posted at 8:29 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2016

enlightening article but discouraging for us who realize that our R efforts and wants are not met by the WP. My WH has completely shut down to ever talking about his affairs ever again, he sees no good in this, does not remember anything he was thinking or feeling, whenever I initiate a talk because I feel I need to connect with him about how we are doing with our R, he becomes cold and dismissive. We have a long way to go I think.

or else I have to live with things the way they are but I feel I am not healing well, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, I need more reassurance from WH.

48 year marriage
DDay#1 me/June/confronthimNov 2015
DDay#2 July 21 2016
am in R with WH

posts: 389   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2016
id 7710885
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solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 9:04 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2016

Great article—thank you for sharing it.

BS-me, 60; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC.
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

posts: 15629   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2011   ·   location: midwest
id 7711351
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 9:32 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016

enlightening article but discouraging for us who realize that our R efforts and wants are not met by the WP. My WH has completely shut down to ever talking about his affairs ever again, he sees no good in this, does not remember anything he was thinking or feeling, whenever I initiate a talk because I feel I need to connect with him about how we are doing with our R, he becomes cold and dismissive. We have a long way to go I think.

or else I have to live with things the way they are but I feel I am not healing well, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, I need more reassurance from WH.

My intention in posting this article was not to cause people to feel discouraged, but rather to give them information that may help inform their choices to R, and as a result, hopefully empower them enough that they aren't willing to settle for anything less than true contrition from their WS.

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7712548
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Furious1 ( member #42970) posted at 11:40 PM on Monday, December 5th, 2016

Bump

BW (me): 46
2 adult kids
D-day: 10/4/13.
Divorced

posts: 7036   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 7721840
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easterlily ( member #52033) posted at 3:44 PM on Thursday, December 8th, 2016

Me: MH
Him:MH
Married 25yrs
DDay April 2015
Limping along in R

posts: 273   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2016   ·   location: Australia
id 7724059
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doigoordoistay ( member #55411) posted at 9:27 PM on Thursday, December 8th, 2016

only time, thank you for posting. I really needed to read this today...

Me - BW 40's
M-17 years on Dday
Dday#1 - July 2016 - Double betrayal EA/PA with my best friend
Dday#2 - August 2016 - had a ONS with a stripper in 2006
Separated July 2, 2018

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016   ·   location: 🇺🇸
id 7724358
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Deejay523 ( member #54468) posted at 9:57 PM on Thursday, December 8th, 2016

Thanks for sharing appreciated the read!

posts: 584   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2016   ·   location: R I
id 7724376
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