Newest Member: Notarunnerup

onlytime

R'd w/ BetterFuture13 T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands "The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

Song Title Game

Never Again - Nickelback 🇨🇦

999 comments posted: Wednesday, January 30th, 2019

Song Title Game

Prayer For The Dying - Seal

999 comments posted: Sunday, October 21st, 2018

Song Title Game

No More Words - Luba

999 comments posted: Thursday, April 26th, 2018

Song Title Game

If She Knew What She Wants - Bangles

999 comments posted: Wednesday, August 30th, 2017

When the Past Is Present by David Richo

I just finished reading When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships by David Richo, PhD.

Really good book, IMO.

I posted some material from the second chapter in a post in General entitled "The Work"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=608750

It focuses mainly on "transference", which for those that don't know, is the unconscious transfer of feelings and attitudes from a person or situation in the past on to a person or situation in the present.

The content was really good and there were practices (exercises) throughout each chapter. Definitely worth checking out for those that are interested in gaining further insights into themselves and doing some healing work.

It combines psychology and Buddhist philosophy, which has been the approach we have used in our healing, and which has been completely transformative for both of us.

2 comments posted: Tuesday, July 25th, 2017

Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown

For anyone that loves Brene Brown's work, she's got a new book coming out on September 12, 2017.

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

...in case you didn't know and want to pre-order

7 comments posted: Tuesday, July 18th, 2017

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Of all of the books FWH and I have read since dday, this one, by far, has been the most helpful and the most healing.

There are exercises throughout the book that encourage self-reflection/introspection and that teach the reader ways in which they can be less self-critical and more self-compassionate.

This book is life changing for both BS and WS, IMO!!

For anyone who has read the book and done the exercises, what did you think? Did you find it helpful? Do you feel you have you become more self-compassionate?

Thoughts?

[This message edited by onlytime at 6:49 PM, July 11th (Tuesday)]

1 comment posted: Tuesday, July 11th, 2017

Song Title Game

Going Back to Cali - LL Cool J

999 comments posted: Sunday, April 16th, 2017

Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals & Everyday Hurts

I really love the work of Brene Brown and follow her on social media. Not too long ago I saw a video she posted in which she was having a conversation with Harriet Lerner about Harriet's new book "Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts". It sounded interesting so I got it for my Kindle app.

It has been worth every penny and I highly recommend it.

To those who have read it since it's release earlier this year, what were your thoughts? Did you find it helpful as well?

7 comments posted: Saturday, April 8th, 2017

Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder

Having been diagnosed with BPD a year ago, and still being on the wait list for DBT skills classes, I knew I had to do something to help myself while I have been waiting.

I have read a few really good books about BPD that gave me better insights into the disorder than what I had, but they didn't really provide tools to work on getting better, and then I stumbled along this book and it has already made a difference with just one read-through.

I took my time, highlighted important points, made notes in the margins, and did some of the beginner mindfulness practices. I am now going to go through it a second time, with pen and index cards in hand, to make a set of mindfulness cards I can carry with me to help me learn the mindfulness practices.

If you, or someone you love, has Borderline Personality Disorder I highly recommend this book - Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen.

3 comments posted: Saturday, January 14th, 2017

The Shit List

Rather than T/J Skan's fart thread, which was absolutely hilarious, I thought I would share one of my favourite pieces of potty humor for anyone that needs a good chuckle

THE DEFINITIVE SHIT LIST

THE GHOST SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skidmarks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit." You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT

No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT

The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT

The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT

The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT

Also known as the "Power Dump." The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT

The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT

A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER

A shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER

Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shit allows you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL

This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT

A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT

Any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER

A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER

Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER

A shit that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT

Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL

A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either Inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position... Usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT

Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHRENIA

Fear of shitting. Can be fatal! [Editor's note: shouldn't it be "Shitzophobia"?]

ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT

Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

This shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT

Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT

When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT

Also sometimes known as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT

You sit there patiently, waiting for the last cling-on to fall because if you wipe now, it's just going to smear all over the place.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, October 26th, 2016

Don't Bite the Hook by Pema Chodron

One of the best books by far on dealing with anger, resentment and other negative emotions, and learning to have compassion for yourself and others.

FWH and I both listened to it early on and have listened to it a number of times since. The things we have learned (and continue to learn with each listen) have changed us in ways we never thought possible and have helped with our healing (individually and as a couple).

I highly recommend it.

Note: It is available in audio book format only.

1 comment posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2016

Best/worst concerts?

I've been to a bunch of concerts over the years - some amazing; some not so much.

There have only been a few so far that were so bad that I actually got up and left part way through, the worst of which was not because of the singing but because of the extended (3-5 minute) breaks between each song to take drinks and chat with the band.

The offender : Billy Ray Cyrus

Fortunately there have been more good than bad. Two concerts stand out above all the others though - Cyndi Lauper and Amanda Marshall.

Cyndi Lauper put on such a great show. Her vocals were amazing and she was up and down the aisles of the venue singing and connecting with her fans.

Amanda Marshall blew me away with her strong vocal performance and at one point in the show she did an a cappella version of a Janis Joplin song that gave me goosebumps and completely amazed the audience.

So what concerts had you walking out early and which ones made you want more?

50 comments posted: Wednesday, August 24th, 2016

Song Title Game --- Part ??

Rainy Day People - Gordon Lightfoot

999 comments posted: Sunday, August 21st, 2016

Beyond regret and remorse

I have noticed a few topics today that have talked about regret, remorse, and the difference between the two. I read this article a while ago and thought I would share it here in the hopes that it may help those of you who are trying to understand not only what a remorseful WS looks like, but what a genuinely contrite WS looks like.

IMHO, remorse is great, but contrition is what you really should be looking for if you are considering R.

"How to Recognize True (and false) Contrition" — by Dr. George Simon, Jr.

A person’s character deficiencies inevitably spawn a host of irresponsible behavior patterns – bad habits that can become easily ingrained and, once rooted, extremely hard to break.  Often, these dysfunctional patterns involve forms of mental, emotional, and even physical abuse within relationships.  And while many of the character-impaired individuals I’ve worked with experienced periods of profound unhappiness and even a degree of regret over their actions, only a handful made truly significant changes in their once destructive behaviors. But those who truly did address their behaviors and succeeded in changing their lives for the better displayed a rare quality that seemed to make all the difference: genuine contrition.

By definition, personality patterns are deeply ingrained and hard to modify.  But that doesn’t mean a person can’t change.  People can and do change every day.  That is, genuinely contrite people do.  This begs the question about what contrition really is and how to know when someone is really experiencing it.

The word contrition comes from the Latin contritus (the same root for the word contrite), and literally means “crushed to pieces.” The contrite person has had their once haughty and prideful ego completely crushed under the tremendous weight of guilt and shame. Such a person has “hit bottom”, not only because they can no longer bear the thought of how badly their actions hurt others but also because of their deep realization of how their usual way of doing things has resulted in abject personal failure.  That’s why the contrite person is first and foremost a broken person.  And, by definition, only by acknowledging personal defeat can a person become potentially open to reconstructing their life on very different terms.  It’s been said many times, but it’s profoundly psychologically true.  One cannot begin a new life without laying to rest one’s old self.

A regretful person is not necessarily a contrite one.  Regret often precedes contrition but is definitely not synonymous with it.  And when it comes to making meaningful changes in one’s character and turning around an irresponsible life, regret is simply not sufficient.  The word regret comes from the Old French, meaning “to bewail.” It’s a person’s intellectual and emotional response to an unpleasant or unfortunate circumstance (originally used to characterize a person’s loss of a loved one through death).  Anyone can regret something they have done and for a variety of reasons, some of which can be quite ignoble.  Even some of the most hardened criminals had certain regrets. They regretted the loss of their freedom. They lamented the fact that a judge was able to exercise power over them and subject them to various unpleasant consequences.  Many “bewailed” that the sentence they received was greater than they anticipated or longer than someone else’s who committed a similar crime.  A few even regretted their actual actions, but most of the time even that kind of regret had to do with practical considerations (e.g., they didn’t plan their crime carefully enough to avoid detection, or they misjudged the character of their partner in crime who later “ratted [them] out” to authorities).  And when expressing their regrets, some were even moved to tears. But tears do not a contrite person make. And mere regret has never been sufficient to prompt a person to change their ways.

Remorse is a prerequisite for contrition, but it’s also not sufficient for it. Remorse is a genuine empathy-based expression of one’s regret over hurting someone else.  By definition, psychopaths (alt: sociopaths) cannot really experience any meaningful degree of it, although they are quite capable of feigning it.  Fortunately, most people are capable of it to some degree, and having remorse for the injury caused to another is a necessary first step toward real contrition.  But true contrition goes even beyond remorse.  Genuinely contrite people – their prideful egos crushed and torn asunder by the weight of their guilt and shame – not only hate their “sins” and the pain they inflicted on others as a result of their sins, but also are deeply unnerved about the person they allowed themselves to become that permitted their travesties in the first place.  And they necessarily resolve not only to make amends but also to make of better persons of themselves and their lives in a better fashion in the future.

Contrition is that very rare but absolutely essential feature of changing one’s life for the better.  It requires a true metanoia or “change of heart.” And even more importantly, it requires work – a lot of very hard, humble, committed work.  Reforming one’s character is the most challenging of human enterprises.  You have to put a lot of energy into doing it, and you have to feel a deep sense of obligation about doing it in order to maintain the energy to get the job done.  And contrition wears a very distinctive face.  Truly contrite people behave very differently, even from regretful and remorseful people.  And when you know what to look for, you can readily tell the difference.

One of the more reliable outward signs that someone has really experienced a change of heart is their willingness and commitment to make amends.  The contrite person is not only “sorry” for what he/she has done but is willing to repair the damage inflicted on the lives of others. Many irresponsible characters will challenge their understandably hesitant to trust again victims with retorts like: “I’ve said I’m sorry a million times now – what else do you want from me?!,” attempting all the while to throw the other party on the defensive for doubting their sincerity.  Or they will cite some small efforts they have made over a relatively short period of time and then chide their victims for not immediately accepting those small gestures as concrete evidence of meaningful, sincere, permanent change.  Contrite individuals understand that the burden of proof rests with them and that they owe those they have hurt a justifiable basis upon which to resume some degree of trust.  A contrite person is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to regain good standing within a relationship.

It’s one thing to say you’re sorry.  But it’s quite another to prove it by how hard you work to change. Behavior is the best indicator that a person is truly contrite and working to really change.  Living and dealing with persons of deficient character is always difficult, but many people increase the level of pain they experience in their relationships with problem characters by buying into the notion that if a person says they’re sorry, sheds a tear, or looks unhappy, and appears to mean well, things will necessarily be different. They give too much regard to a person’s regret and sorrow and don’t look hard enough for evidence of true contrition.

A person’s genuine willingness and commitment to make amends is always accompanied by plan of action to accomplish precisely those ends. In short, a person’s actions always speak louder than their words or even their emotional expressions.  And I’m not talking about demonstrative gestures that make good impressions on others like going back to church or getting religion once again.  The contrite person conducts themselves in a fundamentally different manner than they historically have. They might not do so perfectly or every time. But they evidence a constant effort toward reforming their conduct, and when they fall short they readily admit it and do their best to get back on course.

All too many times therapists as well as the victims of irresponsible characters make the assumption that things are moving in the right direction because the bad actor shed a tear or two about something horrible they did or said they were sorry.  But even when sorrow is genuine, it’s certainly not enough to make a difference.  Sorrow is an emotional response usually connected to the loss of something. And while it is always painful to lose – especially when losing something of great value – that kind of pain is not in and of itself a reliable predictor of change. Individuals who have been in abusive relationships and who give a lot of weight or credence to expressions of regret and sorrow are most often doomed to an escalating level of personal pain and hardship. And in proper cognitive-behavioral therapy for abusers, where the principal focus is on behavior and fostering fundamental attitudinal and behavioral change, the therapist has to be much less interested in what a person has to say and much more concerned about what he/she is doing to truly correct problematic thinking and behavior patterns and repairing damage they have done.  Talk, as they say, is infinitely cheap.  And therapy that just focuses on getting someone to express their feelings or communicate their regrets is likely doomed to be ineffective in fostering meaningful change.

Having some regret simply isn’t enough to make a person mend their ways. It takes a lot of concerted effort to overcome our shortcomings.The truly contrite individual works to make amends, to do better, and above all, to be better.  That always involves demonstrable, consistent behavior – behavior that can be observed, monitored, encouraged, rewarded, and measured by both the therapist and other parties to a relationship with the troubled character.

Edited in Aug 2018 to add:

In summary, someone who is genuinely remorseful and contrite will:

1. Admit that their behaviour was wrong.

2. Continuously take full responsibility for their actions.

3. Accept and understand that their choices and actions brought them to where they are.

4. Make NO attempt to blame anyone else

5. Have humility (are receptive to and actively seek constructive criticism because they know it leads to self-improvement, they display a willingness to learn and become better, they quiet emotional responses so they can actively listen, they are eager to understand others and show a genuine interest in them and put them first in their thoughts)

6. Engage in openness and honesty in ALL aspects of their life

7. Do everything in their power to make things right with the person(s) they have harmed

8. Have patience and recognize that trust is rebuilt over a long period of time with consistent good choices and actions

9. Focus on the person(s) the have harmed - recognizing and acknowledging the impacts of the harm in both heart and mind

10. Understand the emotions of the person(s) they have harmed and have empathy and compassion for their pain

11. Validate the pain of the person(s) they have harmed and have a deep understanding of how their actions caused that pain

12. Put 100% effort into making real changes in themselves and not try to take shortcuts

13. Deliberately choose to making lasting changes and psychologically transform themselves, and are intrinsically motivated to do so

[This message edited by onlytime at 10:23 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]

92 comments posted: Monday, June 20th, 2016

An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples

For the past few months BF13 and I have been working with an MC that uses EFT. The change in how we view each other, and how we engage with one another now, has been profound.

When we looked up EFT we found this workbook, bought it, and have been doing an exercise a week between sessions that we bring up in our appointments.

For those that are unsure of what is different about EFT and other therapies, EFT focuses on attachment bonds and encourages partners to gain an understanding of their own, and their partners, emotions and to share those things with one another in ways that will help to strengthen the relationship.

I would highly recommend this book to those who are in R with a genuinely remorseful WS and that want to strengthen their relationship.

For those who are interested, the authors are Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald.

I would be interested in hearing from those of you who do get it and work through it (or from those of you who already have).

2 comments posted: Saturday, June 4th, 2016

Hey!! What's This?!??!!??

You had me for about 10 seconds before I caught on MH!!!

Good one!

27 comments posted: Friday, April 1st, 2016

Song Title Game

Small Town - John Mellencamp

999 comments posted: Tuesday, March 29th, 2016

Most embarrassing moment

In need of some chuckles? What better way than to share our most embarrassing moments with each other, because even though they were positively mortifying at the time, in hindsight they are almost always freakin' hysterical

So, I will start.

I have had quite a few embarrassing moments over the years, but the one that has been seared permanently in my brain happened when I was a very self-conscious and rather boy-crazy 15 year old. You know, the kind of girl that wouldn't leave the house without dressing up nice and putting on makeup - had to make a good impression on the boys, after all!

Well on one particular day I left an impression alright, just not quite the one I had hoped. So let me take you back in time with me...

I am in a supervised setting, the only female in a group of approximately a dozen teenage boys. The staff in this supervised facility had us come down for dinner. I still remember the beautiful wooden table and chairs vividly. There was casual conversation going on, some of the boys were cracking jokes. Really funny jokes. I was laughing so hard that it hurt, and then it happened...

OMG did it happen...

It really freakin' happened...

And that damned wooden chair, oh how I still hate wooden chairs to this day...

That damned wooden chair that briefly silenced the entire room...

That damned wooden chair that so loudly echoed and carried the sound of the explosion that blasted so violently out of my arse that it felt like it tore me a new one...

That damned wooden chair that refused to allow it to be a silent, deadly one...

And, oh was it deadly.

Those poor boys couldn't breathe...the result, I am sure, of a combination of hysterical laughter and the gag-inducing stench.

So what is your most embarrassing moment?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, February 23rd, 2016

Women Who Love Too Much

Had an appointment with my IC this week and she recommended that I read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

I have requested it from my local library and am wondering if anyone has read it before and, if so, did they find it helpful at all?

8 comments posted: Wednesday, June 17th, 2015

Song Title Game Part (??)

Paper Gangsta - Lady Gaga

999 comments posted: Monday, May 11th, 2015

iOS file info - Tech advice needed

Hoping that there are some techie people out there that can help me figure out how to access data from the SMS Drafts composition.plist in iOS. I have the file saved to my PC and have used plist Editor Pro to open the file. I have been able to expand it enough to see the phone number of the drafts I want to access, however, it will not expand further. I am at this point assuming that I need to possibly enter "code" to be able to access it, but I am stuck on what to do now.

I am hoping that someone can help guide me in the right direction on what my next steps are. I really do not want to spend hundreds of dollars on a forensic recovery (which may or may not work).

0 comment posted: Saturday, May 2nd, 2015

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