sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:52 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2017
bump
This is too important to disappear. Really.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, September 7th, 2017
R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela
GaynorGal ( new member #53359) posted at 1:00 AM on Friday, September 8th, 2017
Onlytime, thank you for bumping this. This was so enlightening for me to read and helped me put my "finger on it". I have never been in the position I have found myself to be in over the past 12+ months. I have always been one to watch a person's behavior and not just listen to their words. Someone once said, "What you say is who you wish to be, what you do is who you are." Unfortunately, I am now more assured that WH is only regretful and tries to sound like he's remorseful or contrite...but his actions speak differently.
True contrition is not present al all. Divorce is such a big decision, but I feel a greater sense of clarity now. Thank you again.
onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 12:56 PM on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2018
R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 1:42 PM on Thursday, August 9th, 2018
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 2:15 PM on Thursday, August 9th, 2018
(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better
EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 4:13 PM on Thursday, August 9th, 2018
Really pleased this has been bumped - nearly three years since D Day and still wondering what to do as I've seen regret but not much if any remorse!!
To be fair, I don't think many people get until they are shown the difference!! Likewise, there are plenty of 'advisers' who give unwanted advice and suspect the BS to want to see a public flogging as opposed to remorse - unqualified interpretation can be a cruel tool! Having experienced MC, which was more about communication as opposed to dealing with the actual issues, makes you realise why IC, with someone specialising in infidelity is so important!
I'm going to print this out and see what is said, discuss the whole issue!
Many thanks
onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 11:28 PM on Wednesday, August 15th, 2018
Bumping for turningtables114
R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:34 PM on Wednesday, August 15th, 2018
I'm glad this got bumped as I had not seen it. Very enlightening. My WS was not not remorseful or contrite until our separation.
Contrite didn't last long though so it probably wasn't contrite.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:36 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
turningtables114 ( member #35054) posted at 3:18 AM on Thursday, August 16th, 2018
Thank you 
kaygem ( member #57956) posted at 6:12 AM on Thursday, August 16th, 2018
This is the best explanation of the regret and remorse that I've ever read.
My fWH was regretful after every ONS encounter he had. I believe that. But he was NOT remorseful and contrite until after he had been caught.
He proves every day that he is remorseful and he's spent 17 months now working to make amends (so to speak, he can never truly make amends to me for what he has done).
I can see clearly, the difference between the two eras. My question: WHY does it have to take them being caught before they can truly understand remorse?
Me: BW
Him: fWH Remorseful, doing the work
Dday-3/17 (ONS's)
AnyWhoX ( member #62868) posted at 6:04 PM on Thursday, August 16th, 2018
This needs to be a sticky so it never goes away.
I am the BW
Married in 2004 (13 years)
D-day 2/17/18
Silence is golden unless it's from a kid or a woman, then you know all hell is about to break loose.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, October 4th, 2018
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 10:24 PM on Saturday, December 22nd, 2018
FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live
onthefence123 ( member #66156) posted at 4:22 AM on Sunday, December 23rd, 2018
PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 5:15 AM on Monday, December 24th, 2018
Thanks for the bump, great read!
Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!
ru79 ( member #69172) posted at 7:38 PM on Saturday, December 29th, 2018
Truly insightful.
Now i understand better what regret, remorse and contrition means..
me: BS-39
Him: WH -40
DD1- 5/2018 (multiple ONS, AP1- 9 Months EA/PA, AP2- 1 yr+ ongoing long distance A, EA/ PA)
DD2-11/2018 (Continued A with AP2 while on R)
separate: 11/2018
No kids
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:41 PM on Saturday, December 29th, 2018
Bumping for the rest of us “sitting up on our moral high ground” WH’s words for Betrayed Spouses
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 5:49 PM on Saturday, January 19th, 2019
Bumping again for newer members
R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela
Wonderlost23 ( new member #69487) posted at 4:58 AM on Sunday, January 20th, 2019
Thank you for bumping. It’s been said but this is very enlightening. Exactly what I was looking for without even knowing. Thank you.
