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Newest Member: Rlewis1226

Reconciliation :
Beyond regret and remorse

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:52 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2017

bump

This is too important to disappear. Really.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7932958
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, September 7th, 2017

Bumping for new members.

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7967263
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GaynorGal ( new member #53359) posted at 1:00 AM on Friday, September 8th, 2017

Onlytime, thank you for bumping this. This was so enlightening for me to read and helped me put my "finger on it". I have never been in the position I have found myself to be in over the past 12+ months. I have always been one to watch a person's behavior and not just listen to their words. Someone once said, "What you say is who you wish to be, what you do is who you are." Unfortunately, I am now more assured that WH is only regretful and tries to sound like he's remorseful or contrite...but his actions speak differently.

True contrition is not present al all. Divorce is such a big decision, but I feel a greater sense of clarity now. Thank you again.

posts: 24   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2016
id 7967336
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 12:56 PM on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2018

Bumping for new members

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8061755
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 1:42 PM on Thursday, August 9th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8225496
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OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 2:15 PM on Thursday, August 9th, 2018

Thank you!

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2520   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8225530
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EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 4:13 PM on Thursday, August 9th, 2018

Really pleased this has been bumped - nearly three years since D Day and still wondering what to do as I've seen regret but not much if any remorse!!

To be fair, I don't think many people get until they are shown the difference!! Likewise, there are plenty of 'advisers' who give unwanted advice and suspect the BS to want to see a public flogging as opposed to remorse - unqualified interpretation can be a cruel tool! Having experienced MC, which was more about communication as opposed to dealing with the actual issues, makes you realise why IC, with someone specialising in infidelity is so important!

I'm going to print this out and see what is said, discuss the whole issue!

Many thanks

posts: 73   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8225636
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 11:28 PM on Wednesday, August 15th, 2018

Bumping for turningtables114

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8230126
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:34 PM on Wednesday, August 15th, 2018

I'm glad this got bumped as I had not seen it. Very enlightening. My WS was not not remorseful or contrite until our separation.

Contrite didn't last long though so it probably wasn't contrite.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:36 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8230133
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turningtables114 ( member #35054) posted at 3:18 AM on Thursday, August 16th, 2018

Thank you

BSO - me 32
WSO - him 32

posts: 223   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2012
id 8230294
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kaygem ( member #57956) posted at 6:12 AM on Thursday, August 16th, 2018

This is the best explanation of the regret and remorse that I've ever read.

My fWH was regretful after every ONS encounter he had. I believe that. But he was NOT remorseful and contrite until after he had been caught.

He proves every day that he is remorseful and he's spent 17 months now working to make amends (so to speak, he can never truly make amends to me for what he has done).

I can see clearly, the difference between the two eras. My question: WHY does it have to take them being caught before they can truly understand remorse?

Me: BW
Him: fWH Remorseful, doing the work
Dday-3/17 (ONS's)

posts: 1458   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8230374
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AnyWhoX ( member #62868) posted at 6:04 PM on Thursday, August 16th, 2018

This needs to be a sticky so it never goes away.

I am the BW
Married in 2004 (13 years)
D-day 2/17/18

Silence is golden unless it's from a kid or a woman, then you know all hell is about to break loose.

posts: 206   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2018   ·   location: TX
id 8230685
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, October 4th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8260488
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wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 10:24 PM on Saturday, December 22nd, 2018

Bump

FBH - 50 FWW - 51 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 15 & 20
The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 55498   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 8303237
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onthefence123 ( member #66156) posted at 4:22 AM on Sunday, December 23rd, 2018

Thank you for bumping.

Me: BS

posts: 410   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2018
id 8303330
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PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 5:15 AM on Monday, December 24th, 2018

Thanks for the bump, great read!

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8303695
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ru79 ( member #69172) posted at 7:38 PM on Saturday, December 29th, 2018

Truly insightful.

Now i understand better what regret, remorse and contrition means..

me: BS-39
Him: WH -40
DD1- 5/2018 (multiple ONS, AP1- 9 Months EA/PA, AP2- 1 yr+ ongoing long distance A, EA/ PA)
DD2-11/2018 (Continued A with AP2 while on R)
separate: 11/2018
No kids

posts: 58   ·   registered: Dec. 18th, 2018   ·   location: WA
id 8306176
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:41 PM on Saturday, December 29th, 2018

Bumping for the rest of us “sitting up on our moral high ground” WH’s words for Betrayed Spouses

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8306177
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 onlytime (original poster member #45817) posted at 5:49 PM on Saturday, January 19th, 2019

Bumping again for newer members

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8316257
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Wonderlost23 ( new member #69487) posted at 4:58 AM on Sunday, January 20th, 2019

Thank you for bumping. It’s been said but this is very enlightening. Exactly what I was looking for without even knowing. Thank you.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2019
id 8316473
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