Newest Member: trustingyou

Squish

AP

Hi everyone, I think about those here all the time and am here often.

We are past 1 year d day. I have been doing better and we are slowly in R.

Something Im having real trouble with since which I have been since dday as many of you know is my anger towards the ap. she was a colleague, younger, more qualified that me although I dont think smarter by any means. Not super pretty either I mean she was just some skank that he got talking to and then they hit it off and he fell madly inlove (infatuated per his words)

I still find myself looking to see what she is upto. I hate it and I feel like im OCD about it. Its so hard to get this skank out of my brain.

Please help me, I know that persons a waste of space in my brain. I need some help... throw stuff at me so I get that this person is less than the sh*t on my shoes. Please... I need to be rid of her.

Thank you.

17 comments posted: Friday, August 5th, 2022

When young children are involved

Just past the one year mark past dday.

For those who have young children did you stay for them? We are doing better and he is working hard to show me who he can be.

But …… you know there’s always a but…

What did you decide with regards to the children? Was it the right decision for you?

Did you put the children first? Or did you decide that it was you who you had to put first in this instance?

7 comments posted: Monday, July 4th, 2022

Wanting some guidance. bigger plz post

Hi.

There has been a long few years of emotional abuse as well as the LTA. Sometimes I find it really hard to talk to my wh. Also I have given him boundaries to protect myself from a lot of the abuse put towards me.

He is very manipulative, controlling and is deep regret. I know I need to focus on me. I am looking to all the very well spoken people on this site to help me explain to my wh that if he wants for us to work he needs to ‘get it’ and do ‘the work’

Bigger- you wrote a a little for another bh a few days ago. I do want to try us. I am ok also letting us go. But I can’t seem to get it through his brain that he needs to be resourceful. Maybe it’s my wording.

I just need some blunt well thought out things I can say to him in hope he gets it.

I know he may not. I just want to know I’ve tried.

Thank you for reading. I am grateful for your time and thoughts.

20 comments posted: Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

heart break

I think I just need to get it out.

my heart just hurts, for me the thing that hurts the most is the physical sexual stuff. whenever he touches me I wonder if he had a more passionate time with the A. I wonder how they had all this time together to have this new relationship. my heart just hurts. he told me the other day after I threw myself at him that he keeps being reminded so he feels ashamed and doesn't feel sexy.

I just don't understand HOW someone could do this to another human being. Especially someone they claim to love. He says he loves me... he isn't doing all he work he needs to, I know. Im working on me and im doing alot better.

I sometimes wish I could just go out and find something like that where I can be engulfed with passion and feel the feels, but I wouldn't. I have children and responsibilities. But I deserve to feel all of that.... and I dont right now.

:( I never realized I could feel so much pain and still be alive. my heart is actually broken into a million pieces and I dont know that it will ever recover.... although I know it will with time.

I wish someone could pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put them back together so im not in so much pain.

I know what I have to do, and I will do it. my heart is just broken today....

4 comments posted: Saturday, April 9th, 2022

Enneagram

Has anyone looked into what enneagram numbers that and their ws are?

I am a 4 and my wh is a 3. It says that 3's are most like to have an A because they are so out of touch with their feelings and needs. I know he needs to do the work, he doesn't realize that he is out of touch with his feelings. What does it take for a 3 to realize they need to work on themselves? I know its not my job. I do still have strong feelings for him.

it's so interesting to me. I have learnt so much about myself just learning about mine.

I would be really interested if this is something anyone else has looked into. If you are a 4 or 3 how you processed the A being the ws or bs.

Thank you.

6 comments posted: Friday, April 1st, 2022

responsibility

Im the bs, and its been 9 months... feels like I've been living this for a lifetime. Thinking about the future that is right for our family I have realized I feel so much responsibility for my wh life. I do everything in the house except expenses. I take care of his health, and that of our children like every mother. But when I think of what I need. When I listen to what my gut is telling me and its saying I need to take care of myself.

The first place my mind goes is... oh he wont have a place to stay, his health will get worse than it already has, what will he tell his family, how will he handle it? and I feel this huge wave of guilt come over me... like how could I do something that could hurt him so much. Putting my needs and feelings aside.

I know its not my responsibility but I guess I have lived this way for so long I dont know how to separate those thoughts from being a part of me.

Does this make sense?

How does one get out of thinking like this? I guess realizing this is the first step. Knowing that I need to put myself first because I deserve it is the next.

Its crazy knowing that he chose himself, didn't give a toss about me and the children isn't enough to stop me caring about him. This place I hate being in.

This was a huge realization for me today. I am not responsible for anyones choices or life or what happens to them. They are responsible.

I am responsible for mine and mine alone in the adult world.

any thoughts?

5 comments posted: Thursday, March 31st, 2022

I dont have access to Investigative Tips ..

Hi,

I dont have access to Investigative Tips and I dont believe I can have access unless I have 50 posts so im far from that.

Is there anyone here who would be able to help me with iPhone or hotmail account and mircosoft authentication tips please?

I would really appreciate it.

Thank you.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, March 30th, 2022

Pinterest, FB, linkedin - OW

Hi,

I was doing really good.... then I found our through notifications that the OW keeping looking at my linkedin page. I cant block her unless she unblocks me and I can see her.

I was doing so good ... and at first it felt good to know she was hurting and trying to look into our lives. She is also stalking DH. So he blocked her.

Now im having some anxiety... just seeing the name, its really bothering me. So im looking inside to find out why its triggering me so much.

Is there anyway I can see if she is also looking at my FB page, and Pinterest? Anyone know? I dont have enough posts to get on the investigation page. But I really just need to know. Can anyone help me here? Thank you. I hope there is a way to see this. I did look online but couldn't find anything.

OK I need to breathe. I am back to feeling heaviness in my heart. :( my wh hasn't done anything though that would make me think he is in contact. So thats a good thing. I know they broke up a few times but it seemed he went back. So I guess I am worried or something.

Thanks for reading.
barf

5 comments posted: Tuesday, March 29th, 2022

Higher self

Im the bs and we are almost 9 months past dday.

While working on healing I am very interrelated in how I can connect with my higher self. I have pushed aside my gut instincts for so long I’ve really been feeling them recently but I am also very excited about connecting to my higher self and planning my future through the sub conscious.

Yes I know this might sound crazy but has anyone looked into this? How did you connect? Do you feel grounded after you have been listening to your instincts? How do you know what it’s saying?

So many questions….

Anyway I would love some experiences.

Thank you.

1 comment posted: Saturday, March 12th, 2022

Are all AP's Narcissistic

Hi everyone... hoping you are all well!,

i'm learning about this behaviors.

So im wondering are all AP's Narcissistic? or narcissists?

Are those who gaslight narcissist?

And please can you explain a narcissists behavior? within the A and after the WS has broken up with AP?

Thank you. All this stuff is so new to me. But I am very interested in understanding this.

Thank you so much.

8 comments posted: Sunday, February 27th, 2022

I want to stop thinking of the AP need help

HI,

on the whole I am really working on healing. I have really detached myself from my WS and I feel so much lighter. I am so much happier while taking care of ME.

BUT while I have no interest on revenge, I can't stop thinking about the skank, well I do stop, but then she keeps coming into my thoughts from the point of view that I want to tell her new bf what she is like. That maybe because I have warned him he will be the wiser and drop her skanky arse and move on.. so yes I guess thats a form of revenge.

I need to think of it differently. I am stuck in this thinking and cant get away from it. I know she is unhappy, that my ws dropped her and she had to rebuild her life (then found someone in 2 months, so I dont think she truly healed) It pisses me off that when I did message her and informed her of her shiftiness she came back at me with "it seems you have stuff to process and im sorry that this is the way you are doing it" and taking no responsibility whatsoever for her messed up brain.

Yes I see I am angry at her still. But I dont want to think of her anymore. I want to be done. HOW DO I STOP?

knowing that she must be truly unhappy doesn't seem to do much for me. She cant be truly happy and my ws said so as much. UGH I think I want to see her in her unhappiness and pain... but im not going to go anywhere near her.

Please help me knock some sense into me.

Thanks...

4 comments posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022

R material?

My wh and I are 8 months out. I feel like i've been living in this awful place for my whole life right now after D-Day.

I have been working on taking care of myself and healing. But yesterday I was listening to a podcast about gaslighting. This is what happened.

He was really upset, said that its been 8 months and I keep bringing it up every week :(. I don't feel like I can talk to him anymore about it. My heart is so hurt and broken again.

he said he can't get away from it, he knows how much he hurt me, now we are labelling him a gaslight, we have been through this a million times, you keep reminding me how horrible I was, now I'm down and feel like crap again, I just feel attacked.

I told him that is all about him. He asked me what I need and I said I need him to figure out his why's

I have
as much as I can
and im good with that if you'd let me be
I feel like you keep forcing it on me
the need for me to do
ive explored it
ive told you the why's
and I've accepted it and want to move forward with you.
its because I was unhappy and felt worthless and made a horrible mistake.
but we've bee through all that.
I dont feel like your ever going to forgive me
is this going to work?


so now I dont feel like he is ever going to get it. I was going to send him my email with the book, podcasts, etc like you said above but what's the point? he just attacks me. Im just heartbroken again. My gut feels so heavy, like he might never get it. That I just need to get strong to move to the next step.

I know I am scared, I dont really have anywhere to go. Our children... how can I do this to them if I leave?I wish I could just disappear. I never asked for this. He DOESNT GET ME OR THIS. WHY AM I HERE AND HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS.

But can WS's go from this to R material? he is not in IC or MC. IS it that I need to inform him of my intent for D that might make him think differently? he says he loves me and is trying to be here. But I cant even talk to him because he also then attacks me. :(

9 comments posted: Thursday, February 17th, 2022

Verification

Hi,


I was wondering what everyone does after to verify that their partner is being honest which then helps build trust. I am not doing anything right now. But my wh works from home so doesn’t go out much anyway. Nor does he really want to.

Him being on his phone makes me nervous though as it was his portal to contact the op barf and I was wondering if there are any options to see on real-time that don’t cost an arm or leg.

12 comments posted: Friday, February 11th, 2022

Stages after A for BS

Hi,


We are at 7 almond 8 months after D Day. Im back to working on myself feeling positive and also just recently had a blow of finding some emails.

What are the general stages? I know its different for all BS but I have been blowing up at my WS every week it seems because I think I am finally realizing what he did. I know him doing the work which he has started is going to take time.

Working on myself for healing is so hard and so agonizingly long.

Anyway I just was wondering, it would be helpful to me and maybe others who are in the same boat as me.

Thanks. grin barf

7 comments posted: Sunday, February 6th, 2022

Feeling so icky

Hi all,

Yesterday I had a long conversation with my WH, we are at 7 months post D Day.

I am really hurting inside, still full of anguish and although I have some days where I am working on taking care of myself and feel positive yesterday wasn't a good day.

During our convo I told him I wanted his AP to pay for the pain she had caused me. I didn't understand how any human being could knowingly hurt a family with young children. He asked me to leave her alone and focus on us. I am not a violent person and never have been. I am going through such a shift in who I am and am so broken I do infect want the AP go through repercussions of what she chose to do.

Today I feel awful, I feel sick to my stomach. Because this is not the type of person I am but also because my WH asked me to leave her alone. Because he cares about her? right?

I hate that he cares about her.... :(

I would appreciate something... thoughts

16 comments posted: Sunday, January 30th, 2022

right path for WH? I think not... need advice.

Hi.

Back story, WH had a PA about 7 months ago. I found out and confronted him. He denied it at first but then told me what happened. we have 3 little ones. I dont have a full disclosure, He is doing NC and only contacted her one last time to tell her to leave him alone in the 7 months since.

HE wants to be with me, since I found out he has been making an effort to be there for me when I have been going through triggers, had so much anger and upset. HE listens but has found it very hard to answer questions. HE has got very defensive and he has shouted with alot of defensiveness. I know it is all guilt at this point. HE is trying though to be there for me, he checks up on me all the time and gives me more when I ask him for it.

Today I told him not to shout at me, that he needs to not be defensive because I need to ask my questions so I can heal. I do know that he needs to do the work but he doesn't get it yet. We also talked about being forgiven but I then told him I needed to know what I was forgiving so I can think about doing it. HE has said he will listen to the helping couples heal podcasts and he will listen to the addicted mind podcasts which I hope will tell him what im going through. is he on the right path to remorse? He doesn't understand when I tell him that he truly needs to do the work and understand what he has done to me. Although in some ways I see him and how he is trying. But maybe he is just pulling my strings again I dont know.

i feel good while we are talking like he gets it but then I loose that feeling after. HE hasn't listened to it yet which makes me question, he does however have alot of health stuff going on and we have other huge problems we are taking care of.

I dont feel like im the priority but I should be right now right. I want to be the priority and I want him to be remorseful. He said he is over it and he won't ever do it again. But thats not enough for me. I feel like he thinks he did this thing which he says was a mistake. Im sorry 3 years is not a mistake, he wanted it and he got it. Now he just wants to forget about it and me to move on and stop asking questions.

Im also having a really hard time with everything, he told me I need to try and not think about it that he is here with me now. When I told him I need to know answers so I can heal he said he thinks I know enough. But I dont and I told him thats just his opinion and im the one who is needing to heal from his A.

Please help with some advice. its all so confusing. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me to what he wants, always telling me what I need to think. But I also see him trying.

Thank... ugh this sucks!

11 comments posted: Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

Not a book but I've read it mentioned here. Just can't find it

Hi,

Hope everyone is well.

I just signed up for Hulu and saw at some point there is a movie on it about an affair. I know there are a lot, which really make A almost romantic :(.

Anyway this movie tells the story of the agony of the BS. If anyone knows what I'm talking about I would love to know what its called.

Thanks.

Squish.

4 comments posted: Sunday, January 23rd, 2022

180, reconciliation, doing what makes me happy

Hi everyone,

I am the BS and yesterday while reading through the site I came across the 180. I feel like i'm doing this, well some of it. It's confusing because im also trying to get my boundaries together which I want to give to him.

we are almost 7 months in after D DAY. UGH But I am doing good... well the best I can be doing... im ignoring his A and taking time to take care of me. But I feel like me taking care of me might seem like im doing ok with his A... but im also not ready to give him all my boundaries and tell him what I want because I dont even know what they all are.

Does this make sense?

When do you give boundaries while on 180?

Are you in R when you are doing the 180?


ok thank you for reading. Maybe you can make sense of my questions.

Squish

5 comments posted: Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Remorseful partner.

We are out 6 months from DDay. My WH had a long term A. He stoped the a same day and told me he wanted me and the children he was sorry etc etc....

He is trying, I know he feels guilt and is doing what he knows to do to take care of me although I don’t think I see remorse plus he blames our situation at the time (arguing) for the A.

Please can you tell me what remorse looks like? What did you see in your partner that showed you they had great remorse?

For any WS how do you suggest I explain to him that that’s where he needs to be for us?

I have finally realized with help that he is not there but doesn’t also know how to get to that place. He doesn’t really ever talk about his feelings and we are both learning to face our own.

I was looking at counseling but we can’t afford it right now. Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you

11 comments posted: Saturday, January 1st, 2022

need advice

Hi, i'm new here and have been reading so many posts. I am so sorry to hear thats affairs are so common.

does anyone confront the other women? how do you handle it?

this girl is younger than me, im obsessed with her on FB but she doesnt post much so I need to keep checking. I feel crazy!. She doesn't look like anything special. But I want to see her, and talk to her about what happened. Half of me wants to break her face while the other half feels sorry for her and just wants to know from her what happens. Two sides and all that.

Its been almost 5 months. I found out and when I confronted him he admitted it. i'm so numb alot of the time, my heart is broken and we have 3 little children. How can a women knowingly be ok possibly splitting up a family with little children?

Thanks for reading and your time in replying. crying

6 comments posted: Monday, November 8th, 2021

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