Newest Member: Saltishealing

Squish

Self worth

Hi,

For the bs, how do you regain your self worth? Stop comparing your self physically to the ow? She is like 10 years younger than me. Most of the time I am not thinking about it but if thinking about going out with my wh I want to look nice but physically I just don’t see myself as attractive as her. That was hard to say.

I know there is so much to me that makes me better. But I just can’t make myself know this, or it doesn’t make a difference. How do I change this? I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I have been spending more time doing things that I like, I also got a job which im enjoying so I make the effort to dress nice then... just doesn't cut it yet though....

Whats worse is that she has just moved on, found someone else after 2 months and is now planning on getting married..... that really really bothers me.. but thats a different post I guess.

It’s almost 2 years past dday for a lta. Thanks.

14 comments posted: Wednesday, January 18th, 2023

Councelling

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for reading my post. we re 1.5 yrs out from dday. His choices led him to a 3 yr lta. I have been working on healing myself and I see how much is incapable of doing the work. But I do want tell him he needs to go for us to give this a try.

1. Which would be better for me to ask him to go do? individual counseling? or marriage counseling? I want him to do marriage counseling so we can talk though things and he can be told from an outsider the certain things that he has been doing like gaslighting, stonewalling etc... but what would be better for him to work through his stuff?


2. As a BS how did you tell you ws that if they want to choose you then they have to go to counseling? I know he will find all sorts of reasons why we dont need to. I find that there are such well thought out reasonings that are offered from the community here. it might help me to get it out as a valid reason. Even though I know my reasons are valid. (I know... why am I still here? and I know I cant make him stay or love me, and I can only do my own work)

I would appreciate the guidance. Im learning to find my voice again...

Thank you for your time.

Squish

8 comments posted: Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

AP

Hi everyone, I think about those here all the time and am here often.

We are past 1 year d day. I have been doing better and we are slowly in R.

Something Im having real trouble with since which I have been since dday as many of you know is my anger towards the ap. she was a colleague, younger, more qualified that me although I dont think smarter by any means. Not super pretty either I mean she was just some skank that he got talking to and then they hit it off and he fell madly inlove (infatuated per his words)

I still find myself looking to see what she is upto. I hate it and I feel like im OCD about it. Its so hard to get this skank out of my brain.

Please help me, I know that persons a waste of space in my brain. I need some help... throw stuff at me so I get that this person is less than the sh*t on my shoes. Please... I need to be rid of her.

Thank you.

17 comments posted: Friday, August 5th, 2022

When young children are involved

Just past the one year mark past dday.

For those who have young children did you stay for them? We are doing better and he is working hard to show me who he can be.

But …… you know there’s always a but…

What did you decide with regards to the children? Was it the right decision for you?

Did you put the children first? Or did you decide that it was you who you had to put first in this instance?

7 comments posted: Monday, July 4th, 2022

right path for WH? I think not... need advice.

Hi.

Back story, WH had a PA about 7 months ago. I found out and confronted him. He denied it at first but then told me what happened. we have 3 little ones. I dont have a full disclosure, He is doing NC and only contacted her one last time to tell her to leave him alone in the 7 months since.

HE wants to be with me, since I found out he has been making an effort to be there for me when I have been going through triggers, had so much anger and upset. HE listens but has found it very hard to answer questions. HE has got very defensive and he has shouted with alot of defensiveness. I know it is all guilt at this point. HE is trying though to be there for me, he checks up on me all the time and gives me more when I ask him for it.

Today I told him not to shout at me, that he needs to not be defensive because I need to ask my questions so I can heal. I do know that he needs to do the work but he doesn't get it yet. We also talked about being forgiven but I then told him I needed to know what I was forgiving so I can think about doing it. HE has said he will listen to the helping couples heal podcasts and he will listen to the addicted mind podcasts which I hope will tell him what im going through. is he on the right path to remorse? He doesn't understand when I tell him that he truly needs to do the work and understand what he has done to me. Although in some ways I see him and how he is trying. But maybe he is just pulling my strings again I dont know.

i feel good while we are talking like he gets it but then I loose that feeling after. HE hasn't listened to it yet which makes me question, he does however have alot of health stuff going on and we have other huge problems we are taking care of.

I dont feel like im the priority but I should be right now right. I want to be the priority and I want him to be remorseful. He said he is over it and he won't ever do it again. But thats not enough for me. I feel like he thinks he did this thing which he says was a mistake. Im sorry 3 years is not a mistake, he wanted it and he got it. Now he just wants to forget about it and me to move on and stop asking questions.

Im also having a really hard time with everything, he told me I need to try and not think about it that he is here with me now. When I told him I need to know answers so I can heal he said he thinks I know enough. But I dont and I told him thats just his opinion and im the one who is needing to heal from his A.

Please help with some advice. its all so confusing. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me to what he wants, always telling me what I need to think. But I also see him trying.

Thank... ugh this sucks!

11 comments posted: Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

Not a book but I've read it mentioned here. Just can't find it

Hi,

Hope everyone is well.

I just signed up for Hulu and saw at some point there is a movie on it about an affair. I know there are a lot, which really make A almost romantic :(.

Anyway this movie tells the story of the agony of the BS. If anyone knows what I'm talking about I would love to know what its called.

Thanks.

Squish.

4 comments posted: Sunday, January 23rd, 2022

180, reconciliation, doing what makes me happy

Hi everyone,

I am the BS and yesterday while reading through the site I came across the 180. I feel like i'm doing this, well some of it. It's confusing because im also trying to get my boundaries together which I want to give to him.

we are almost 7 months in after D DAY. UGH But I am doing good... well the best I can be doing... im ignoring his A and taking time to take care of me. But I feel like me taking care of me might seem like im doing ok with his A... but im also not ready to give him all my boundaries and tell him what I want because I dont even know what they all are.

Does this make sense?

When do you give boundaries while on 180?

Are you in R when you are doing the 180?


ok thank you for reading. Maybe you can make sense of my questions.

Squish

5 comments posted: Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Remorseful partner.

We are out 6 months from DDay. My WH had a long term A. He stoped the a same day and told me he wanted me and the children he was sorry etc etc....

He is trying, I know he feels guilt and is doing what he knows to do to take care of me although I don’t think I see remorse plus he blames our situation at the time (arguing) for the A.

Please can you tell me what remorse looks like? What did you see in your partner that showed you they had great remorse?

For any WS how do you suggest I explain to him that that’s where he needs to be for us?

I have finally realized with help that he is not there but doesn’t also know how to get to that place. He doesn’t really ever talk about his feelings and we are both learning to face our own.

I was looking at counseling but we can’t afford it right now. Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you

11 comments posted: Saturday, January 1st, 2022

need advice

Hi, i'm new here and have been reading so many posts. I am so sorry to hear thats affairs are so common.

does anyone confront the other women? how do you handle it?

this girl is younger than me, im obsessed with her on FB but she doesnt post much so I need to keep checking. I feel crazy!. She doesn't look like anything special. But I want to see her, and talk to her about what happened. Half of me wants to break her face while the other half feels sorry for her and just wants to know from her what happens. Two sides and all that.

Its been almost 5 months. I found out and when I confronted him he admitted it. i'm so numb alot of the time, my heart is broken and we have 3 little children. How can a women knowingly be ok possibly splitting up a family with little children?

Thanks for reading and your time in replying. crying

6 comments posted: Monday, November 8th, 2021

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