I think I’ve traumatized him
It’s been 7 years. I’ve posted a lot here if you want to read.
Anyway I’ve come to the realization that my FWH is traumatized by things I’ve done during R. Maybe traumatized isn’t the right word.
I’m much better these days, I feel he has grown and changed and shown true remorse. The thing is that I get triggered by a lot and now he’s always hyper vigilant.
A sock is missing from the laundry? He immediately goes to find it. So many small things like he can’t find his lip balm and he thinks I’m gonna interrogate him for hours (because I have in the past). The other day I said "why did you wear that different shirt today?" I see the look on his face. It’s fear, not fear that I’ve "caught" him but the fear that I’ll have a breakdown until the mystery is solved.
I don’t know how to feel about this. I have to admit part of me is happy on some level but then I feel evil.
Does anyone know what I’m talking about???
8 comments posted: Tuesday, March 25th, 2025
Social Media. Helpful or Hurtful?
It’s been happening more lately for some reason. I’m on social media (Reels specifically) because I have ADHD and I will mindlessly scroll. I keep seeing infidelity posts. Some are therapists who are selling some programs, some are "ladies if your Ph is off he’s cheating" type posts. Normally I really try to scroll by but unfortunately I sometimes give in to reading the comments.
The vast majority of comments are "leave him", "immediate divorce", "he will do it again have some self respect" type comments.
I learned long ago that it’s way too difficult to speak about infidelity with those who haven’t been there. The ones who say they left and we are all better off leaving a cheater are the ones that really get under my skin.
It’s hard for me to stay off social media and I feel like I need to learn to see these posts and comments and not apply them to myself and my situation.
Sometimes it really scares me and I think The Universe is sending me signs (yes, I have OCD and BLD)
So, do you find social media to be helpful or not?
8 comments posted: Wednesday, May 8th, 2024
Thoughts on transparency
My H is extremely transparent. If he even thinks something is important or something that if I decide to look at his phone will upset me he tells me right away.
This week he got a text on his personal phone while at work. It was from an unknown number and it just said "hey" so he replied "hello". No response. Later that night I texted "who is this"? The person said their name and it seemed a male name but not anyone he knows
*As a side note, in his job he interacts with a lot of people, there’s lots of new hires and managers and customers all the time so getting a text from an unknown person isn’t unusual but it’s the person will typically say "this is name and I’m position and I was told to reach out to you"*
Anyway, no response and my husband asked if they were part of the company and still no response so I literally just forgot about it and let it go.
Last night he was in the bathroom and he gets another text from another number but it has the same area code. It was another "hello" and then immediately this number called him. I said go ahead and answer it. It sort of sounded like a kid and a woman in the background. The kid was saying something and the woman said "who are you talking to?" They called like 10 times! They also texted their name and again seemed like a male name but not one my husband knows. One call I answered and it did sound like a young kid maybe 10-12 yo and they said "who is this?" And I said "who is this??" back and they hung up. That’s what they kept doing, calling and then saying kinda nothing and then hanging up.
Weird part is concurrent to this the other text from the day before when no one responded got a text that was just a 4 digit number and like an upward arrow. Kinda nonsense.
So I start having a panic attack. I’m Googling the numbers and seems the area code is another state not even close to us. My H is asking if I can use the numbers to find someone on Facebook and I try but no.
I am now spiraling, my OCD kicks in and starts coming up with scenarios. My H is asking me "what are you thinking? What’s going on in your head?" He knows I’m getting upset.
We don’t argue but I really am having a full blown panic attack over this. I know it sounds silly but I was freaking out especially since I’m an extreme overthinker and my brain immediately starts creating scenarios and it’s always "conspiracy theory" type scenarios.
We didn’t argue but he said "this is happening in front of you it’s not hidden, just think if I didn’t show you all this and you just found it on your own" I lost my shit! I said "what do you mean??? Why wouldn’t you show me???" He said he didn’t mean it like that but he said "I didn’t show you to upset you"
Something feels off about his response? Maybe it’s just me? He kept saying "I’m not worried I have a clear conscience, this man here hasn’t done anything" He knows I was upset but I swear it’s once a month that some "weird" email or text happens. Not to say I don’t get "weird" texts or emails sometimes but my continued hyper vigilance makes me overthink everything.
So my issue is, is full transparency really helpful? At the end of the day this is most likely some kid that used a wrong number or something but also why the two number? My mind went wild with the possibilities! I know strange things happen with technology. What really set my mind off is hearing a woman in the background. It just really triggered me.
I took his phone and demanded this person say what they wanted and since they never answered I blocked both of them.
I really didn’t need this crap. I was FINE.
I know he isn’t questioning whether he showed me the texts or not but more of him having like a tiny little pity party? Saying "great, just what I need"
He does work hard to make me feel safe. I just don’t know if transparency is always a good thing for me :(
10 comments posted: Friday, December 29th, 2023
Never ending cycle of pain
Things have been ok despite it being affair season. I seem to get upset at small incidents that then turn into huge emotional conflicts. The other day he quoted a well known line from a show he told me he watched with the AP (he would drive to her house early in the morning and stay how ever long before going to work and I was oblivious because his work entailed early hours) Upon discovery I tried to have the "vomit session" where I made a list of all the questions and I asked him what they watched. There are 3 shows that are in my "box of bad" (along with AP name as it’s a name on a very popular show that I can’t escape) so when he did the "quote" I screamed at him. He said "I’m sorry, I forgot" YOU FORGOT???? He said it was just an impulsive thing based on a conversation I was having with my son about me looking like someone’s younger sister on a show. Anyway I lost it. He apologized immediately but I was sickened.
When he got home be wanted to talk because I was still upset. Then he says "I never told you we watched that show" WHAT?? he said "there is only one show I watched the others were just like streaming by on the TV" What the hell does he mean?? I feel like he was under fire when I asked all those questions years ago and just said whatever shows he remembered seeing on her TV?
Having to be reminded he sat there and watched a TV show with AP made me sick all over again and I had a breakdown. He comforted me but it wasn’t enough.
This weekend we had a really nice Sat evening then Sunday was horrid. Just small things like his tone of voice. He came up and tried to make me feel better but I said "I’m still fragile, I’m always vulnerable with you why can’t I get that in return?" And he literally fell asleep for hours and didn’t answer me.
My point is yesterday I really wanted to d*e like I kept saying this pain is too much I hate it. Now I wake up Monday morning and noting is resolved and we wasted a whole day and I feel awful
16 comments posted: Tuesday, December 19th, 2023
I don’t think I’ll ever heal
I’m so tired. I get to a place I feel ok then something triggers me and sets me off for days. I am angry at myself for it being almost 6 years from DDay 2 and I’m not healed. H has done everything as far as I can figure out to make me feel safe and he has remorse and we have totally different marriage now but I’m still stuck. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and nothing I’m doing is working.
It’s Affair Season and every year I think I’ll be better and I’ll be fine but the trauma comes no matter how hard I try to keep it away.
I just feel defeated and low right now.
12 comments posted: Friday, December 1st, 2023
Post Nup?
The other evening, FWH and I were having an emotional discussion. I was pain shopping probably. I brought up doing a post-nup. He didn’t know what is was so I told him. After he researched it he was super ready to sign one, he even went a found a template for our state. Since then he brings it up once a day, he literally says he actively wants this. When I told him about it I was like "we can sign a post nup so if you betray me again I get everything" so he knows what it means on my end.
I was kinda shocked he keeps bringing it up, he says "is this is something that will bring you peace of mind I want to do it". Is he being weird? I said I’d get alll the money (we don’t have much but he has a 401k and a pension that he can collect and it will triple in a few years if he stays) and all our assets (again, not much, we don’t even own a house) and I said he would have to pay spousal support etc and he’d probably be poor and have to live with his parents or something because I would wreck his life. He was still like "absolutely, I want this done as soon as possible"
So has anyone done a post-nup? I would love some advice.
6 comments posted: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023
Am I Overreacting?
Am I overreacting? I was on the phone with my husband while he was at work out in the field. All I heard was "my wife left me a present before I left for work" He told me when he left the location that the female employee there said "please allow me" and grabbed one of my long, blonde hairs out of his beard. I am pissed. I mean he handled it correctly but why does this woman think she can touch him like that? Isn’t that a bit of an "intimate" act? My husband is super friendly, funny and kind and I think a lot of women just think they can say things or touch him and he literally can’t say things to these women because they are integral to his work. I’m not mad at my husband but I’m sick of this. I told him to quit being so nice and just be an asshole but he literally can’t. This kind of stuff happens a lot. When I hear a female employee being too friendly and maybe crossing some boundaries I have to point it out because that is literally how the A started before. He always says "did I act different with them than I do any of the men I interact with?" And honestly he doesn’t and that’s the issue I think. Please keep in mind he has to be friendly and personable in his position because he relies on these specific employees to get his job done and they can literally make or break his career. I hate it but it is what it is and we can’t have him losing his job especially right now.
As a reminder I’m the BW that now stays on the phone with my H all day and I literally don’t think I can stop. I think this is a separate issue and I’m not ready to address it. It’s a safety blanket for me and he honestly insists because it also gives him security because I’m not fully healed yet and it’s been almost 6 years.
22 comments posted: Saturday, October 7th, 2023
