DDay #1 11/13/2017
DDay #2 1/22/2018
Attempting R since DDay #2
I don’t think I’ll ever heal
I’m so tired. I get to a place I feel ok then something triggers me and sets me off for days. I am angry at myself for it being almost 6 years from DDay 2 and I’m not healed. H has done everything as far as I can figure out to make me feel safe and he has remorse and we have totally different marriage now but I’m still stuck. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and nothing I’m doing is working.
It’s Affair Season and every year I think I’ll be better and I’ll be fine but the trauma comes no matter how hard I try to keep it away.
I just feel defeated and low right now.
9 comments posted: Friday, December 1st, 2023
The other evening, FWH and I were having an emotional discussion. I was pain shopping probably. I brought up doing a post-nup. He didn’t know what is was so I told him. After he researched it he was super ready to sign one, he even went a found a template for our state. Since then he brings it up once a day, he literally says he actively wants this. When I told him about it I was like "we can sign a post nup so if you betray me again I get everything" so he knows what it means on my end.
I was kinda shocked he keeps bringing it up, he says "is this is something that will bring you peace of mind I want to do it". Is he being weird? I said I’d get alll the money (we don’t have much but he has a 401k and a pension that he can collect and it will triple in a few years if he stays) and all our assets (again, not much, we don’t even own a house) and I said he would have to pay spousal support etc and he’d probably be poor and have to live with his parents or something because I would wreck his life. He was still like "absolutely, I want this done as soon as possible"
So has anyone done a post-nup? I would love some advice.
6 comments posted: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023
Am I Overreacting?
Am I overreacting? I was on the phone with my husband while he was at work out in the field. All I heard was "my wife left me a present before I left for work" He told me when he left the location that the female employee there said "please allow me" and grabbed one of my long, blonde hairs out of his beard. I am pissed. I mean he handled it correctly but why does this woman think she can touch him like that? Isn’t that a bit of an "intimate" act? My husband is super friendly, funny and kind and I think a lot of women just think they can say things or touch him and he literally can’t say things to these women because they are integral to his work. I’m not mad at my husband but I’m sick of this. I told him to quit being so nice and just be an asshole but he literally can’t. This kind of stuff happens a lot. When I hear a female employee being too friendly and maybe crossing some boundaries I have to point it out because that is literally how the A started before. He always says "did I act different with them than I do any of the men I interact with?" And honestly he doesn’t and that’s the issue I think. Please keep in mind he has to be friendly and personable in his position because he relies on these specific employees to get his job done and they can literally make or break his career. I hate it but it is what it is and we can’t have him losing his job especially right now.
As a reminder I’m the BW that now stays on the phone with my H all day and I literally don’t think I can stop. I think this is a separate issue and I’m not ready to address it. It’s a safety blanket for me and he honestly insists because it also gives him security because I’m not fully healed yet and it’s been almost 6 years.
22 comments posted: Saturday, October 7th, 2023
A cold sore ruined my day?
I was planning on writing a nice "4 year update soon" but something happened last night and now I’m in a spiral
H was getting ready to shower and I was looking at his face and I saw a weird whitish patch above his lip in the corner of the mustache area (for context my husband is a POC). I said "what’s that on your face?" He said "huh" and came over and sat next to me so I could look. At first we assumed he had an ingrown hair as those happen in his beard area a lot. He said "get your tweezers out" so I start examining it and it looked a little scabby and the more I messed with it, I said "this looks like a cold sore" I immediate became distressed. He has had cold sores in the past but I haven’t seen one on him in like 15 years I swear. He looked at it and said "yeah it does look like that" I immediately go into "stare at the wall mode" He takes a shower and comes out and says "so are we going to talk about this?" Because he knows what I’m thinking. I’m thinking he messed around with someone. He assures me as always that he hasn’t (PS we are the weird couple who stays on the phone basically all day because this is what has helped me feel secure) There was only one time I was off the phone with him last week for a couple hours while talking to my sister. Anyway, he gets on Google and starts looking up causes for cold sores and telling me but the whole time I’m just shut down. I didn’t sleep well, I still feel upset today. Am I overreacting? We did have Covid in January, he did have a stressful week with work last week due to Super Bowl. I just can’t get these bad thoughts out of my head. My main issue is I broke out with HSVG during his A and I had never had one in my life and I’ll never know if he passed it to me from AP or I already had it at it just surfaced due to stress. As a side note, things have been really good with R and I had finally felt like "maybe I can be a normal person again soon" so I really hate this stupid curveball. I don’t feel in my heart he’s done anything but I can’t stop feeling upset.
10 comments posted: Friday, February 18th, 2022