Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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Muggle ( Member #62011) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, June 6th, 2019

Everyone that has ever posted in this thread should look back a year afterward and see how close the "fear" was to the "reality".

A year ago I posted, and so much has changed since then. My life isn't perfect, but many of the fears have become something I'm no longer am afraid of. I've embraced most of the change, and survived. The key thing is I SURVIVED. Change is hard to embrace, especially when wrapped in pain or betrayal. Our fears hold us hostage. We have the key to the cage, we just have to set ourselves free.

Most problems have a solution, we just have to adapt, adjust and persevere. I hope this thread helps those in the beginning, middle or end of this challenge.

Me: 57 Him: 57 DD #1 Christmas 2017. DD #2 Feb 2018 (my bday) with different woman she's been married 5+ times. Committed Intimate Relationship, 23 years, 3 kids, business & house. He married OW #2 eight days later in Vegas. Knew each other 14 days.

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017
id 8388651
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 6:21 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

Bump

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8392534
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Hawke ( Member #47517) posted at 10:59 PM on Saturday, June 29th, 2019

I'm bumping this because there are new people coming to this forum all the time. Also, I'm not sure if I've ever commented here.

I was terrified of separating from my ex. My d-day was a few weeks before my daughter's first birthday. The kids were 4 and 1 when we separated. My son had received an autism diagnosis a year prior and we were suspecting that our daughter might be autistic, too. He was a stay at home dad, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to manage the parenting aspect alone.

Well, I am managing parenting just fine. I've been dating someone for over a year now. I was promoted at work. It was hard to get over some hurdles, but life is working out pretty well.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8399145
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 7:05 PM on Friday, August 2nd, 2019

bump

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8414509
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sassylee ( Member #45766) posted at 1:37 PM on Sunday, August 18th, 2019

Bumping for Lemondrop10

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8422556
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sassylee ( Member #45766) posted at 5:51 AM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2019

Bumping for LearningtoFly

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8423787
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DazedConfused20 ( Member #61209) posted at 12:05 AM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2019

It's been a blessing to find this thread. I just recently asked for separation for divorce on 7/31. I tried R for over a year, but there was just not enough effort on the part of my WW. I've learned a lot in that time, the biggest thing being how narcissistic she is, and how much better off I'll be in the future. When I asked for the separation her true colors came out in force. I almost knew they were there the whole time, but didn't want to admit it to myself.

As I start this journey I have similar fears to those that have posted over the years.

- am I making the best decision, not only for myself, but for my son.

- I'll have majority custody due to school, but how will he react to visitation? Will it have a negative effect over time?

- can I rebuild myself to what I once was? I always had pride in myself before, a sense of high morals and standards, but she tore those apart like wet paper.

- will I ever find "true" love, or find anyone for that matter? Am I worthy of it, even after being destroyed by her actions?

Only time will tell as I'm just beginning my journey. I can only hope for the best

BH - me 39
WW - 35
Multiple DDays starting 1/21/18.
Finally asked for separation for divorce 7/31/19
Ready to move on and be me again.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2017   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8431045
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Arfaj ( Member #59457) posted at 5:17 AM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2019

I fear only seeing my kids half the time.

I fear my oldest daughter getting very hurt by abandonment, again.

I fear getting trapped in this state where I have no job prospects in my field and no future.

I fear having to keep him in my life forever because of coparenting and having to watch him move on.

I fear what he’s going to be like when he hits an anger and blame shifting phase if we split permanently.

I fear returning to poverty, this time with three kids.

I hope the reality will be better.

Me: BW
Him: WH (StoneLotus)
Married January 2017
Kids 7, 3, and baby
D-Day 1: 01-15-2017 (rug swept)
D-Day 2: 06-17-2017
D-Day 3: 12-16-2020
1 LTPA, 1 LTEA, 2 EAs, 5 Online Sexual RP partners

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2017
id 8431184
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 7:23 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2019

My fears are changing...

I no longer Fear divorce. I FEAR the impact it will have on my kids.

I FEAR my NPD WS is brainwashing my daughter and D will totally push her over to him.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8431447
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 12:06 AM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

Fear: The kids will not be ok.

Reality: They have been just fine.

Fear: That I will feel 'alone'

Reality: I love being 'alone' I was more lonely in my M.

Fear: That I can not afford to be on my own.

Reality: That I CAN afford to be on my own.

Newest Fear: That he will never leave me alone

Reality: ...

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8455165
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 9:38 PM on Sunday, November 17th, 2019

Bump

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8469273
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 9:07 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2020

Bump for our newbies.

To all the old vets, feel free to add to the list!

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8493851
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:02 PM on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26008   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8499865
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 5:34 PM on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020

I had a fear that I'd need to work two jobs to survive as a single mom.

That one came true.

That second job is a blessing. It adds so much to my life. I work weekends at a no-kill animal shelter. I spend my second job doing something good for the world that I believe in. The money helps pay the bills and the work helps heal my soul.

So really, I'm getting extra grocery money and saving a ton on therapy. Even the bad fears sometimes turn into good realities.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4442   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8499937
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 8:46 PM on Wednesday, January 29th, 2020

Bump

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8502819
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 3:42 AM on Tuesday, February 18th, 2020

Bump.... sure wish someone would pin this.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8511462
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, February 27th, 2020

Bump...I agree with you ChamomileTea.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8516703
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, February 28th, 2020

About 7 months out from separating and 2.5 months from D finalizing.

At the beginning I feared that what he did broke me. That I wouldn't be ok in my own self again.

Happily that one was totally wrong! I feel happier and sassier and more like myself today than I have in years. I have random people tell me all the time how much I am "glowing". I think it's just because I feel lighter and more peaceful and that shows on the outside for sure.

I definitely worried about the financial impact. And I won't say there hasn't been any. But by and large, I have been able to make it work just fine. And groceries are sooooo much cheaper. Like 75% cheaper. I don't know how.

I also feared that I would obsess over him/what he was doing/who he was doing/fb stalking him & OW etc. That my mind would wander down the rabbit hole. That one was harder and it took conscious effort, but I absolutely do NOT do this. The first couple months were difficult, but at about the 4 month mark it got a lot easier. And now thankfully it's not something I have to consciously keep myself from doing.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8517049
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Outoflove2020 ( Member #72682) posted at 12:57 AM on Saturday, February 29th, 2020

I am most definitely still in the fear camp - only 6 weeks out from DDay, uncertain at this point if R is on the cards or not, so not sure if I should be posting here - but the thread spoke to me. Apart from generalized anxiety, here are some specific fears I have, on the assumption that R will not be possible:

Fear: I thought he was my person. How on earth can I even contemplate finding that again?

Fear: I will be the one who has to move out if we split, how on earth am I going to get through the process of dividing up and packing up stuff, and moving out (most of the furniture is what I brought to the relationship)

Fear: The kids will forget about me and won't remember the love I have had for them; will I just become a distant memory?

Fear: I'm 43. I really don't want to have to try and find somebody else. I had my person.

Fear: I don't give myself very easily, and it took me a long time to fully trust & commit to WBF. It's highly unlikely I will be able to do this again.

Fear: Our sexual chemistry was incredible. I doubt I'll ever find that again

Fear: What if he moves on and I don't? What if he is happier without me?

Fear: How am I going to move forward with my life in a country where I don't have any family and only a few friends?

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8517328
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Justsomeguy ( Member #65583) posted at 5:37 PM on Saturday, February 29th, 2020

Fear: I was a 50 year old, balding teacher who did not think anyone would ever be interested in me again. I thought I was well past my best before date. Figured I would just have to be alone for the rest of my life.

REALITY: I lost 15 pounds, shaved my head and started finding the old, interesting me that was buried under years of body shaming from my ex. Turns out, curiously enough, that women find a kind, empathetic averagely attractive man with a job and without a criminal record, attractive. Who knew! A sense of humor helps too...

The irony: I am fine just by myself. Turns out, I got stronger through all this. The good part-and yes I gave bagged- is that I am emotionally mature and can talk about my feelings now. Much better partner material than ever.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8517566
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