Scared it's cancer
Last week I had a pelvic ultrasound for some spotting I had a few months ago. I've not had a period in 4 years, and I'm 58.
Today someone called to schedule me for a pelvic MRI from a doctor I've never seen. I called my doctor's office, sat on hold for 58 minutes to speak to a breathing person.
They told me I need to get the pelvic MRI done, as the ultrasound showed a large mass with a blood source. They didn't sound alarmed, but said they want it done before the end of the month. They want a follow up appointment on the 31st.
Now it's sunk in, that this could be something that requires them to give me a full hysterectomy, it could require removing something, or it could be cancer.
The words "large mass" make me worry that if it is cancer it's not going to end well.
I'm trying not to focus on the what if's. I'm trying not to worry that I might not grow old, or that I have a house full of barely adults with various mental health or medical issues that aren't capable yet of being on their own. I worry about them.
Waiting is all I can do. I still haven't paid off my gallbladder surgery from October. This just seems overwhelming right now.
Rant over, good vibes or anyone with experience in this would help calm my nerves.
34 comments posted: Monday, March 15th, 2021
It's not me it's you!
Ever since I became part of the irony of helping him with his divorce from the woman he left me for, I've been emotionally void.
She played the long game, and if I wasn't helping him, he would have lost everything. I helped him because my financial settlement is tied to him not going bankrupt.
I anticipated, derailed and have given him enough information to sink her ship ten fold. I've uncovered things she's done that may get her in serious legal trouble. I've been one step ahead of her the entire time, because I see her clearly. Once I got the first breadcrumb I was off to the races.
He's downplayed his "love" for her, said a million things about her that are nasty. The same things I'm sure he said about me. He does know he made a catastrophic mistake in life and he's seeing that it's destroyed his life. He will be lucky to ever fully recover.
He tried to smooze me from the moment he arrived. I declined, kept my distance. He tried harder. On Valentine's Day he showed up with roses, a teddy bear and chocolates. I balked. He said it's not a romantic gesture, but he wanted me to have a nice Valentine's Day since he knew the last few sucked, and he was responsible.
Fast forward past the last woman he tried to date around Christmas, that he figured out wanted nothing to really do with him.
He's now decided that I'm who he set his romantic sights on. We talk all the time, I've been clear I will not cross boundaries with him, and I'm not going to sleep with him or be romantic with him.
Today he called me and asked me if he got STD tested again to be safe, would I consider dating him again. I was proud of myself. I told him NO.
I said too much water has gone under the bridge and I couldn't undo the feelings and damage he caused. I wouldn't ever be able to let it go.
He then reminded me that he wants a monogamous relationship, a woman in his life, and he's changed, and he's sorry I can't see that he's a different person now. He wanted me to know he will date if the opportunity comes up. I told him he needs to work on himself.
He sounded disappointed, but he should be. He gave up his entire life for a whim. A woman he knew for 14 days under the premise that he didn't want to be the man he had been. He wanted to change. He got his change. He lost it all, and he deserves to be lonely.
The truth is he will find someone to love bomb, until they see him for the man he really is. He isn't that different. He was ready to date the moment he left her, and sleep with other women.
He's still a good 5 months from being divorced.
I think I've turned that magical corner. Indifference. I would rather be alone, single and by myself than with someone that can't see my worth or value. I DESERVE someone better than him, and I won't settle for less ever again.
Single is fine for me. I'm content with myself. Never thought I could do it, but I stood my ground.
19 comments posted: Monday, March 1st, 2021
Recycled Ex 2020
Like Godzilla from the fog, he flees from his 2.5 year marriage across the US, from the woman of his dreams toward the woman he abandoned to be with her.
Surprise, surprise, he's getting a divorce, and she lead him down the primrose path. She's left him broke, with a collapsing business, while he put tens of thousands of dollars into the business in her name. Now he has to fight her as she is in control.
He's in a room to rent and moved back to the same town, about 14 miles from me.
He reached out and asked for help with the business so it won't collapse. My money is still tied to his for another 2 years, so it's not in my best interests to let it collapse.
He arrives in town, asks to see me. I met him, we talked about the business, what she had done, and he took me to dinner. He said all the things a narc says. He told me he missed me, that he made a mistake and that he never appreciated what he had. He was just looking for his white picket fence and love.
Skipping past the obvious bullshit that I suspected he was spewing. He asked me for a kiss. Before I thought about it I let him kiss me, and then pulled away. He told me it was the best kiss he's had in 2+ years. I knew that to be a lie.
He continued to pursue me for several weeks, visiting with the kids, taking me to dinners as friends. He spoke about his soon to be ex wife, the same way I expect he talked about me.
I always felt guarded, and I allowed him to come over for Thanksgiving. I felt sorry for this miserable excuse of a human being. I was misguided and my first extinct was correct.
I think I found some closure that I needed, but I was strangely drawn to being around him, even though my common sense told me he was not someone I wanted in my life. It was like seeing an old friend, that I hadn't seen in a long time.
It might have been because he spoke about her in such a tone that it somehow made me feel vindicated that he hated her now more than he hated me.
I kept him at arms length, as he made it clear he would sleep with me if I gave him any indication I was game. I mentioned to him that he's married still, why is he making a pass at me. He gave some excuse that he's only married on paper, and he doesn't consider himself still married to her now that he left.
One night he was out with his friends, and my phone rings at 11pm. I didn't answer it. I figured he was lonely, and I'm not his call girl. He was trying to get me on the phone for his benefit, and I'm not interested.
Fast forward and one day he tells me he wants a monogamous relationship where both people only sleep with each other. He follows it up by saying that he won't hurt me, he knows I don't trust him, and that he won't disappoint me. He tells me we can tell people or keep it secret and he will take me to nice places and hotels if I don't want the kids to know.
I was offended, and turned him down. He wanted to know why I don't have passion for him, and that he wants me.
This is why you must keep your guard up! While he was trying to romance me, he reconnected with some woman he met 3 years ago.
FIVE days after I turned him down, he took her to a wine tasting, and spent $900, plus bought her $130 worth of flowers. Needless to say he didn't do those things while trying to "win" me, as he surely thought I would be easy prey.
I'm angry again.
I have no option but to help him with the business until it's stable. I'm helping him with his divorce paperwork out of self preservation. He said he will pay me $1000 for doing so. If I don't she will take what he has left and then I won't get paid.
Since he's been back he's been getting my payments caught up.
Christmas he gave me $200 and a gift card. He gave his kids $100 each. He bought the new victim about $500+ from what I can see in the financials.
When I asked him if he made the same offer to her that he did me, he balked. Of course not, I'm his favorite victim. He needed to woo her. He got mad and asked me if I was going to ruin it for him. He then threatened to move to another state. I told him I don't care if he does.
I wish he would move. He's already talking about moving to an apartment, which will obviously be closer to her. He spoke of moving 1.5 hours away again, stating that the kids really aren't that interested in him.
I guess he expected we would all roll out the red carpet for his return. He's good at running, and now so am I. I will run FROM him.
This proves to me that he's not capable of honest, deep change. He's a master manipulator, but this too shall end.
When he gets frustrated or mad he says I stole his house, I cheated him out of his house, and that his life was ruined and now he has nothing. I try not to engage, but one time I told him he would be living in his own house if he hadn't stuck his dick in someone else.
Vent over, I know he's not healthy. I know this isn't healthy for me to be involved with him in any capacity, but I don't want to lose the settlement money. I need it to have any retirement.
[This message edited by Muggle at 8:30 PM, December 28th (Monday)]
30 comments posted: Monday, December 28th, 2020