Burned from the same flame twice

Here I am again. Apparently I learned nothing, but suddenly I'm very aware of what the word "Mistake" really means, and there won't be a third time.

It means having a soft heart and letting the same person back into my life that hurt me the first time. Now I've wasted half my life on someone that never was worth it. My common sense told me to stay away, and I didn't listen to that nagging voice that told me I was going to get burned.

He was never faithful when we were together. We are both 60 and spent almost half our lifespan together not married. He had two affairs 6 weeks apart in 2018 and then married the second one. They knew each other 14 days when they got married.

We had an ugly common law divorce in 2019 where I got an excellent settlement and a paid off house. He was pissed and for a bit over 2 years we didn't speak, other than when he sued me and lost. That cost me $10,000 on top of the $25,000 for the attorney I hired for our divorce.

Eventually his rainbow turned to rain, and history repeated itself and he was no longer in love with her and wanted a divorce. She conned him. Over time he began to set the stage for being more than civil. He moved away from her on the east coast back to our hometown. He tried to seduce me but I wasn't having any part of it. Over the next 8 months in 2020 he kept repeatedly asking me to reconsider and give him a chance, that he made a mistake. He knew all the right things to say.

Eventually I agreed to date him in 2021, but I had boundaries. I wouldn't agree to him moving in. We lived separate. He offered 100% transparency and offered passwords and access to absolutely everything including his phone. For a bit I checked, and all was well for a time. We vacationed in Vegas, Hawaii, and Cancun.

I helped him through his divorce with the woman he left me for. It took 2.5 years to get his divorce, which was longer than their marriage lasted. I did everything, including making sure every single time she tried to slide something under the radar I sunk her boat. I was ruthless, and she got nothing. I found all her dirt and exposed it. She ended up bankrupt, but she and he kept a business together they started while married. I should have made him clean up his own mess, but I "saved" him once again.

I am working for him and my income is tied to him, and I loaned his business $35,000 and put almost $20,000 on my credit cards for his business. He's kept his word about paying it back in chunks. He has also agreed to pay me what I paid the attorney when he sued me, as well as make all the repairs on the house that needed to be done. He's almost paid off the credit card, and I have no concerns that he won't pay me. That much I'm confident of.

In June he went out of town for a huge job and was gone for over a month. When I would talk to him on the phone he never said "I love you" when I said it, and he came to town twice and didn't tell me or see me. Eventually I pressured him for an answer as to what was going on. He kept saying he wanted to talk when he got back that things were going down the same path as before with us. Once I cornered him he told me he wanted to be single, that I still had my job, and he wanted to part as friends with no drama. Unlike last time, he assured me that he would always be there and he loved me but didn't think he was the right person for me. He said he couldn't be the man I need.

He acted like it was nothing other than "we tried, it didn't work". He kept saying things like he had no plans to date, or do any of that. It it fell in his lap he might but he wasn't going to seek a romantic relationship, he was done. What a line of bullshit. He joined two dating sites within days.

The day after he told me on the phone he called two women that he had slept with almost 3 years prior to "clear the air". I felt like he punched me and it was not to "clear the air", but to see if either of them were available, and it was disrespectful of me. No real closure other than lets be friends. Neither of those women wanted anything to do with him, and he was "bummed". One of them was a 3 month fling where she used him, but it was "special" to him, and some of the best times of his life according to him. She was the one that couldn't be bothered to come see him when he had surgery, but I took care of him and I wasn't even involved with him then. I showed up when no one else did, yet he thought the sun rose and set with what I call "Bellevue Barbie". She was everything he imagined a trophy woman would be, but she didn't want him like he wanted her. Poetic justice at work.

He's been mostly friendly, helpful, and said he will be there if I need anything, but I can tell that will change. A couple of weeks ago I ended up in the same restaurant and he had me join him. I didn't know he would be there as he moved an hour away. Afterward he asked me to come spend the night, and I refused. He called and offered again the next night, and I refused. He didn't understand why I said no, since "we're both adults and that's what adults do". He was thinking of himself, after previously telling me we had no spark. Recently he tried again and I shut it down all the way, and since then he's been less friendly, more tart, and argumentative.

I feel stupid for thinking anything would change. I feel angry at times that I let him abandon me again. I hate the way it makes me feel, but I also know I'm the one in control of my life. I will move on. I won't dwell and it's not been anything like the last time. I don't cry, or spend hours dwelling.

I'm figuring out my life once again and I don't know if I will stay friends with him once he gets the money paid back, and the repairs done. I think I'll work until I retire and then I'll quit working for him without a single glance back. Until I can afford to do that I will have to learn to dance solo in the rain or sun and not worry about tomorrow.

I've given him the last moments I'll ever give, and I learned a HUGE life lesson. Once someone shows you their true colors, never give them the ability to hurt you again. Better to have let them go and heal. My own stupidity stole another 3 years of life.

10 comments posted: Thursday, September 7th, 2023