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Newest Member: KRE74

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality


TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 6:18 PM on Wednesday, November 21st, 2018

Bumping for new members.

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 8287720

Istayed ( member #68885) posted at 2:09 AM on Thursday, November 22nd, 2018

I love these posts on fear. My biggest fear was being alone. Reality is that my friends have stepped up in ways I could never have imagined to support me. My family has been awesome- even my STBXH’s parents are there for me. I’m only 13 days since D day and 5 days since he filed so things are coming at me fast. I fear what the future brings- he’s gone forever. When will I be able to let him go and be glad? Reality is that I’m moving forward despite the pain and I intend to continue to do so. I know that he’ll realize that he really messed up but I will have moved on. I like the comment on dating that broken attracts broken. I definitely plan on waiting to date until I have my head straight and my heart strong. You people are awesome. Thanks for helping me through my personal hell.

Me: BS 55
Him: WH 55
D-day: 11/09/18 + abandonment
Married 35 years no kids.
In process of divorce.
“Wickedness never was happiness.”

posts: 74   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2018   ·   location: Houston
id 8287944

breatheme ( member #62715) posted at 6:25 PM on Saturday, November 24th, 2018

Fear: I would pay child support, alimony and never see my kid. I'd be broke, lonely and living in a shithole.

Reality: there are no payments either way, I have my son 50/50. I'm fine financially. i really like my apartment. It's brand new!

Breathe Me
D Day March 2016
Divorce September 2018

When they tell you ILYBIANILWY, believe them. Take them at their word. That might be the most truthful thing they are saying.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2018   ·   location: GA
id 8288847

squid ( member #57624) posted at 4:44 PM on Sunday, December 2nd, 2018

Bumping for HurtinWI

D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8292657

HurtinWI ( new member #60435) posted at 5:28 PM on Sunday, December 2nd, 2018

I think I'm still completely in the fear stage. I don't really have any reality yet. We were together 10 years and two months ago I ended things. Because I have no family within an 8 Hour radius all I have here are a few select friends so I have nowhere to go. We own our home together so we are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms but we are still living together. And I am constantly confronted with staying with the life that I've known since I was 19 or being alone and possibly never finding anybody again. Not being able to afford to live on my own. Him actually changing and me walking away without giving it another chance. I guess right now I'm in a state of constant fear and I recognize no realities yet and I'm struggling to not take him back like he is begging because according to him I'm his soulmate and the only person he really wants to be with and love and take care of and have more children with. And I'm torn in between staying on the course I'm on of The Break-Up or going back

The one person who I thought would never cheat on me, not betray me in that way, just blew apart my world.
DDAY: 8/19/2017
Him:31 Me:28
8 years. 1 child (5yrs old)

posts: 22   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2017   ·   location: wi
id 8292679

breatheme ( member #62715) posted at 10:18 PM on Wednesday, December 12th, 2018


I'm sorry you are here and in the situation you are in.

This is an opportunity for you to grow and change. You are stuck. I get that. I think my xWW was/is stuck as well. Time to go out and find new things and new hobbies. Old friends and new friends. Volunteer somewhere. Take up guitar lessons. Yoga, a gym, the pool. You've got to step out of your comfort zone... or rather make a new comfort zone for yourself.

Breathe Me
D Day March 2016
Divorce September 2018

When they tell you ILYBIANILWY, believe them. Take them at their word. That might be the most truthful thing they are saying.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2018   ·   location: GA
id 8297514

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:31 PM on Wednesday, January 9th, 2019


BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7061   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8311242

WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 6:09 PM on Wednesday, January 9th, 2019

Yes I am still neck deep in divorce. Yes, the first few months were plagued with gathering financial paperwork.

However, he is not in my daily life. His abuse and CONSTANT cognitive distortions are but a distant memory. He still tacks them onto the end of an email every so often, but I ignore or chuckle, and move on with my peaceful day and peaceful life.

Did I mention I have PEACE? Priceless.

And "never finding another man" is infinitely better than being with my disaster of a chaotic Cluster B STBX any day. I'm free!!!!!!!!

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8311302

Smashedhrt ( member #69392) posted at 7:26 PM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

This post is so helpful.

Did Day was nov 21. We have been separated since.

I desperately things to go back as they were, but I know they can’t.

I have the kids 100% and am financially stable. Cs is paying child support. We are civil and we work together.

I think this is a deal breaker...but I am scared. And that makes me want to cling to what I knew. But it’s gone now, isn’t it?

Cs wants to reconcile. I just don’t think I can...

Married 1999
2 teens
D day nov 21, 2018
Divorced nov 2019
Divorce underway

posts: 200   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2019
id 8311966

TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 4:52 PM on Wednesday, February 13th, 2019

Bumping for new BS's to the D/S forum.

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 8328942

brokenbride8 ( member #69256) posted at 2:11 PM on Friday, February 15th, 2019

Love this thread! Journey started 3 short months ago, so not quite at the reality part yet...

Fear #1 - I’ll never find another man to love as much as I loved my STBXWH, thus I’ll never have the life I’ve always wanted (i.e., ring > wedding > beautiful marriage > beautiful kids > beautiful, happy life - in that order)

Fear #2 - if I do find someone else, everyone will judge me for being on my “2nd husband” and there will be added pressure to make it work.

Fear #3 - Finding someone else > falling in love > getting married > having kids THEN experiencing another DDay and ending up back here

Fear #4 - My STBXWH will ride off into the sunset after our divorce is final this year with the OW who helped breakup our marriage and I’ll be alone and bitter. She will have “won”

Fear #5 - When I’m ready to date again, men will see me as having baggage by being a divorcee

Fear #6 - I’ll never trust anyone that much again

Fear #7 - My STBXWH never waking up from the “fog” because it is love with the OW which is why I was so expendable after 12 years together. (Why I care about this one? I don’t know )

Fear #8 - My STBXWH being a perfect, faithful spouse to the OW - giving her all the things he wouldn’t give me

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 8:14 AM, February 15th (Friday)]

Me - 32
Together 12 years / married 2 1/2
D-Day - November 2018
DIVORCED March 2020

posts: 127   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2018
id 8330005

TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, February 15th, 2019

I am going to repost so newly BS's can see that their reality will be far better than their fears.

Fear #1: I am disabled and had just started drawing disability. How could I live off so little money.

Reality: I was able to manage. I didn't know that XWH#2 was really bleeding me dry. My new husband makes really good money and I am able to stay home for the first time in my life and be a SAHM to my two little furbabies.

Fear#2: I will be alone forever. Who wants a 53yr old women with a progressive liver disease? I would die alone because our friends would side with him.

Reality: I met a wonderful man and eventually married him. He was there for me when I had my liver transplant. XWH#2 was busy hooking up with OW every time I was hospitalized. I bet OW prays nightly not to ever get sick because he won't be there for her either. My friends have stepped up and have been wonderful to me. None of them have anything to do with XWH#2, including his best friend for many years. They also finally saw him for what he really was, a loser and a user. My daughter has also stepped up. She hates XWH#2 and also XWH#1 (her father) and has nothing to do with either one.

Fear#3: XWH#2 would ride off into the sunset with OW and they would finally be together and live happily ever after. She won.

Reality: They did get together when I kicked him to the curb. Now it's her problem. If he cheated on me, he will cheat on her too. What did she really get? She got a lying, alcoholic, NPD, cowardly, porn sex addict who she has to keep on a short leash. She is not well liked in his family either. I took so much financially from him (spousal support, 1/2 his pension, and 1/2 of all marital assets) that he is scared to remarry to the OW, so I heard. They live in a cheap apartment in a bad area the last I heard. I don't even care anymore. She is so stupid and they deserve each other. She won the boobie prize.

Fear#4: After I had to sell my house and land, I would be homeless because I would have no where to go and couldn't afford another house ever.

Reality: I got a nice, two bedroom apartment for 1yr then I was able to buy a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house all on my own. It's the nicest place on the whole block and is on a beautiful lake.

So for all of you that have fears of the unknown, the reality is that you got/get rid of the person that was/is hurting you. Your life can only get better without them in it. (((HUGS)))

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 8330067

Abbondad ( member #37898) posted at 7:22 PM on Friday, February 15th, 2019

Fear: I thought I’d literally die of a broken heart.

Reality: I didn’t.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.-Dune

posts: 2088   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2012
id 8330165

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 8:58 AM on Wednesday, April 10th, 2019

Bump for User

posts: 6646   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8360223

boisesister ( new member #69536) posted at 2:46 PM on Friday, April 26th, 2019

Bump for Tallgirl

posts: 26   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2019   ·   location: Boise, Idaho
id 8368845

Noname2016 ( member #52245) posted at 9:04 AM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

Gosh. I love this thread. Gives me so much hope.

My fears

Fear#1 - after being a SAHM 4.5 years I will never be able to find a job or maybe the most basic job paying me peanuts. Since my career is in a field which is constantly evolving.

Fear#2 - I will miss him so much that i won’t be able to laugh again, to function normally.

Fear#3 - I will never be able to find another man who I would be able to love like I loved WH. I will never have a story with this new man because I would be scared to ever open my heart for anyone else.

And I am sure there are more, but these are my biggest fears.

I am only 3 months past DDAY, and only a month since I separated.

My reality is still emerging but my fear 1 turned out be just that FEAR.

Reality#1 - 1 month of not even trying 100% I landed a job in a great company, which is going to pay me better than peanuts.

I am so ecstatic and getting this job was such a boost to my self confidence 😬

Me: 35(BS)
Him: 36 (WH)
DDay 1: 2016
DDay 2: 2019 (Different OW)

posts: 257   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2016
id 8369624

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 5:37 PM on Sunday, May 12th, 2019


BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7061   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8377038

Adaira ( member #62905) posted at 7:46 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2019

Bump for cards3217

Former BW. Happily divorced.

posts: 324   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2018
id 8378727

Praxidike ( new member #70651) posted at 4:56 PM on Tuesday, June 4th, 2019

Bump for me.

BS (Me) 51
Married 31 years, adult children
1st DDay 1/2010, most recent DDay 4/20/2017

posts: 28   ·   registered: May. 28th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast US
id 8387915

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, June 4th, 2019

It's been slightly over 6 years since I started this thread (!) and my reality just keeps getting better. As I'm sitting here waiting for the HVAC tech to get here, I thought I'd update.

2012 Fear: disappointing my family (we don't get divorced), friends distancing themselves from me because they didn't want me trying to steal their husbands, being lonely since I'd distanced myself from most of my friends due to XWH's social problems.

2019 Reality: I have made so many friends! Well over 100 people came to my 40th birthday party last year. Most of the people I spend time with either don't know that I was ever married, or if I bring something up, will mention they forgot I ever was. I've been participating in so many fun activities and don't recognize the person I used to be.

2012 Fear: money concerns. I found out I was losing my job right before D-Day. XWH and I had an agreement that I didn't have to work once that happened since I'd put him through med school and he was just about to make a doctor's salary. I visited a recruiter after D-Day and he told me I'd be lucky to make 50% of my then-current salary, given the job market. No kids, so no CS, and laws in my state are terrible -- I was basically a one-woman scholarship fund for XWH -- so no alimony, either.

2019 Reality: Still have my great job that I found after D-Day. I studied for and passed a rigorous exam that led to several promotions. I have incredible coworkers and love what I do. By not focusing all my attention on making him happy, I was able to focus on obtaining additional credentials which have paid off in so many ways.

2012 Fear: living alone. I went from my parents' house to college roommates to married. How would I do everything that XWS used to do, all on my own?

2019 Reality: I love living alone! True, at times it would be nice to have someone else to help out with chores (reference: waiting for HVAC guy today), but this way everything is exactly as I want it. I just renovated my kitchen to my exact specifications. I know if I buy chocolate, it will still be there weeks later.

2012 Fear: dating. I'd never dated as an adult, as XWH and I got together when I was 20. How do I do it? Will men be interested in me? ARGH!!!

2019 Reality: I had a roller coaster of dating experiences from 2012-2015, going on over 60 first dates. Friends still beg me to retell some of the old favorites from that time (guy who claimed to be from Narnia, guy who wanted everything to be even, guy who wanted me to fund his dream of opening a penis cake bakery...) After an 8 month dating break in 2015, I met the most incredible man. We've been together nearly 4 years and plan to be together for the rest of our lives. WXH never treated me as well as SO does. It's a true partnership, and I could gush for days, but the best part is, if he were to be gone tomorrow, I know I'd still thrive.

Don't let fear hold you back. As FDR said, the only thing to fear is fear itself. If I'd known how life could have been, I'd have divorced my WXH way before the infidelity ever started, as he has other undesirable qualities that make for a poor partner! You've got this!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8388007
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