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Newest Member: cobblerock

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality


robinbird12 ( member #80235) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

Well, I have an update!

Fear- my wealthy WH will screw me in our settlement. I will be poor and my ex will be incredibly rich, and I will be jealous for life in addition to struggling and miserable

Reality - Well, I am not screwed completely... from a monitary perspective, my ex will maintain a much higher quality of life than me. However all of that belonged to his parents and was gifted to him as thus was divorce proof.

HOWEVER! I got a great job in the USA and they will have a fine upbringing. Their schooling and university and young adult costs will be taken care of. All costs growing up will be split by half. Because things are a lot cheaper in the US I can actual provide them with a similar quality of life.

I know I could have gotten more money if I had agreed to stay in this country and fought him, but actual quality of life wise and ability to make my own money... USA wins big time.

Fear- my ex won’t let me take me out kids to my home country, even though he never took care of them. I will either have to abandon my children or be a poor single mother in a foreign country with no support system

Reality - WE ARE GOING HOME! My home culture, my wonderful family, my life-long friends and their children... I AM THRILLED- I still can't believe he let me. I know this is the number one thing people fight about in a divorce and it is the reason I basically had no cards in the settlement, but that's okay. I got what mattered.

Fear- I was the problem in our relationship (he was an alcoholic narcissist so probably not) and I will never be in a healthy relationship. I will be alone forever.

Reality - Still single, haven't remotely dated or wanted to.

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

Divorcing, no contact, separated by an ocean thank god

posts: 52   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8743852

Pregnantand3kids ( new member #80437) posted at 3:40 AM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

I am 5 months pregnant and found out my husband was having an affair with a younger girl that works at his restaurant, I don’t think this is the first time according to what the other coworkers have told me about his behavior but he denies anything, this affair alone is enough to break me, he wants to make it right but there was so many emotions felt and said throughout this affair too that bothers me, he wants to make things right we have three other young children who are very confused and I am not really at a good emotional state right now. I just think he might do it again as he was such a good liar and manipulator before when I trusted him so much and I don’t want to live always on the edge. He is a great guy and I know he does care about us but I think he has a problem with craving attention from something new, I want him to get out of this restaurant but he won’t because he says we wouldn’t survive financially. Some days are good some days are bad but I have no clue what to do right now and everyday I struggle. I broke down one day and asked him for money for a divorce he gave it to me and then never answered my phone calls after or tried to talk me out of it so I put the retainer fee $3500. Now I don’t know if I want a divorce but I am just so torn.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2022
id 8745216

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:31 AM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

Hey there- I think starting a separate post will get you more responses- your post may get lost in this thread. (And keep reading here and in the healing library and the jFO forum).

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8745226

Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 8:27 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Oh my, thank you for this post! I am just now headed into the D process, likely will be a long one.

All I have is fear right now but hopefully I can come back and read this post aand reflect on the realties:

FEAR--STBX will find someone to love and actually be happy.

LIKELY REALITY-STBX will cheat on this wife as he's a narcissistic serial cheater.

FEAR-STBX will father more children and put them through a mess of a life.

FEAR-I'll be labeled that "single" friend and all my married friends will think I'm after their husbands.

FEAR-my kids will suffer and be harmed through the whole divorce process.

FEAR-my post-nuptial with infidelity clause will not hold up in court and I have to give STBX 50/50 of my hard earned business I just started 3 years ago.

FEAR-I will be too old to find someone that I can actually trust after the mess I've lived for 15 years with his crazy ass.

FEAR-I'll look like a failure that I'm divorced and people will think I'm the messed up one.

FEAR-I'll not be able to financially have the life that I've grown accustomed to.

FEAR-my STBX will continue to play mind games with the kids and alienate them from me with his lies.

FEAR--the IHS will take its toll on my emotional health.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 8:27 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8758330

FuturewasStolen ( member #74119) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, December 21st, 2022

I think I am finally ready to add to this post. It's been a long-time coming as we've been separated for a little over a year now (still waiting for the divorce to go through, everything is still backed up and slow from Covid). I had so many fears when I started on this journey. I was in an emotionally abusive situation and he had me convinced that I couldn't do anything, make any decisions without him. S much ahs changed :) I'm going to try to cover most of the biggest fears I had/have...

Fear: Financials. I was a stay at home mom with three kids under the age of 5 when we separated. None of them had ever been in daycare so I had no idea how I would figure that out and pay for everything.

Reality: Before I was a stay at home mom I was a certified accountant, and had wonderful people I worked with who were more than happy to provide me with references. I got a job with a firm I used to work with and they have been incredible. My schedule is flexible enough that I can handle getting my kids to school/daycare and picking them up. I don't have my license back yet so I'm starting my career over, but I know that its just a matter of time until I can climb that ladder again. Financially, I am getting my own paycheck now which was one of the most freeing feelings I've ever experienced. I am no longer 100% financially dependent on my STBXH. On top of that, I am getting more child support than I expected, so altogether the panic of being able to afford basic living expenses is gone.

Fear:My entire future is gone. What I had imagined will never happen.

Reality: Yes, what I imagined will not happen. But a different, happier future will happen. Looking back I've been able to see how unhealthy my relationship had become. I had not been truly happy for a long time, but I was afraid to even consider that fact. Even vacations weren't fun because there was so much pressure for me to make everything perfect, and make sure the kids behaved the entire time. If anything went wrong, it was unspoken that it was my fault. I am free of that now. I can relax and enjoy time with my kids and roll with the punches!

Fear: I will have to be the best co-parent in the world because I owe that to my kids, and that means doing birthdays/holidays together with STBXH.

Reality: I do not have to set myself on fire to keep everyone else warm. I do not have to put myself in a situation with my abuser who is continuing to be emotionally and verbally abusive to me. If I were to do these events with him, there would be so much tension in the air that I'm sure my kids would pick up on it and they would not enjoy it either. So far, I've done two birthday parties separately and they were wonderful! I was able to relax and just have fun with my kids. We are doing Christmas separately and I am so happy for that.

Fear:I will never be happy again.

Reality: I am happier than I have been in years. I am blowing my own mind by being able to say this, but it’s true. I am feeling like myself again. I have reunited with my family (I had not spoken to them in years). And overall, I feel free and at peace. It took a VERY long time to be able to look back and accept the truth of what my relationship had become. To see how much I had lost myself. These days I am overwhelmed with how much progress I have made and how far I have come. I look around and I see so many blessings, and I am just so incredibly happy. Of course I still have days when I am sad. I miss having a husband, and a best friend, someone to share the load with and not be so alone. But I am now able to see clearly that my STBXH was not that person anymore, so I don’t miss him specifically anymore.

Fear: I will be alone forever.

Reality: This is another one that surprised me, but I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I am happy being single. I had never really dated a lot, but I didn’t spend a lot of time being single. And when I was, I was really just looking for my next relationship. I have spent this last year rebuilding my life from scratch. I have put my kids and myself as my priorities and done everything for us. I am starting to enjoy building this life as its one that I am happy with! I have zero desire to pull someone new into this life and have to consider their needs as well. I feel like this is my time to be selfish, for myself and for my kids. I’ve gone on a couple of dates here and there and it was fun to feel desired again. But I have no desire to start anything remotely serious with anyone. I am so happy to be by myself. On top of everything else, I had lost myself so badly in my relationship. I didn’t even know what I liked anymore, or what my opinions were. So I’ve taken this entire year figuring that out! I have tried new things, new hobbies, and when things come up, I really think about what I want, not what my STBXH’s opinion was, or what he would have wanted. I need to know myself again before I am healthy enough to start an actual relationship.

Overall, I just want to say that a year ago, I never expected this. I was in the deepest, darkest hold I had ever been in. I could hardly get off the floor, and only forced myself to in order to take care of my kids. I could not imagine a life without my STBXH. I was constantly crying. So anyone else who is in that position, have hope. Stay strong and believe in yourself. Take it a day at a time, sometime a minute at a time. Because everything really does make you stronger. It happens slowly, but be proud of all the progress you make, every little accomplishment. Because they’re really not little, they take an enormous amount of work and strength. If you had told me back then that I would be where I am today, I would have never believed you. But I am, and I continue to make progress. This site was a lifeline to me, and I will forever be grateful to all the people who took time out of their own lives to give me support and hope.

I am free now

posts: 117   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8770308

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 5:57 PM on Wednesday, December 21st, 2022

I'm afraid if I D that I'll get to watch my negative, critical ex find his Mrs. Stepford-perfect-fulfilment-of-his dreams. It would confirm for me that I wasn't good enough all along. Then I'll have to deal with him being overly critical when stressed/anxious with the kids and damaging them further when he has them. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to pick myself up from a bigger, deeper hole dug by his rejection.

H's talking about divorcing me in 5 years. There's a lot of context to the conversation, I'm not going into it here. But he plans to remarry and have more kids. I feel bad for the wife #2 and his next set. And now we're texting and he's gaslighting me "I didn't think we had a divorce conversation." We did. He said, oh yeah, I was asking if the kids would be hurt if I did that. Yeah, why would you ask that if you weren't debating it.

Fuck it. Some days I just want to be done and start posting here.

Thanks for letting me vent.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8770320

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 5:58 PM on Wednesday, December 21st, 2022

Really, thinking outside my anxiety melt down, if H does D me and remarry, I feel sorry for the next MRS. She's going to be just as picked apart as I am once he gets disappointed with her.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8770321

Scattercushion ( new member #81001) posted at 3:33 PM on Thursday, January 12th, 2023

I’m typing this for my future self to look back on and update positively I hope

Fear - my STBX narcissist husband will live happily ever after with the woman he "reconnected" with after 35 years and fell in love and walked out for after 6 weeks

Hopeful reality - She is welcome to him, he has moved her across the UK away from her family in less than 3 months and now he has another ‘project’ to control and work on. They are welcome to each other, I don’t care.

Fear- it will be too late to rebuild the relationship with my two children he separated me from

Early reality - Daughter is in contact quite a bit and is visiting me in a few months after not seeing me for over 1 year. Son is an ongoing work in progress but we are in touch again.

Fear - I won’t be able to settle in Spain on my own. Life here was supposed to be the two of us. I will end up having to return to the UK

Early reality - I have made more friends than I could ever have imagined and feel like I’m settling down. I’m putting up a damn good fight to stay here

Fear - I won’t be able to cope on my own

Early reality - I spent 8 months while he was travelling for work between Spain and UK doing everything here pretty much on my own. Since he’s gone I have asked for help when I need it and today have passed my Spanish driving practical test. Yes I had to rely on neighbours and friends for 2 months to drive me everywhere but that’s done now. He may have f**ed off and left me in the lurch but I now have independence back. I am a very capable woman

Fear - I won’t cope financially without him as it was his retirement money and pension that we planned to live off

Early reality - I’m not really spending much now my home is finished. Divorce financials to be sorted so still an unknown but I should be ok

Fear - I will be on my own forever and get lonely or if someone comes into my life I’ll never be able to trust again

Early reality - I like being on my own, it has its ups and downs but I’m just working on me for now. If someone else ever comes into my life they will be the lucky one but I will be very very cautious. I’m only 48 I have plenty of time in front of me and I need to stop worrying about things I can do nothing about

Fear - I won’t be able to find a job due to location and language barrier

Reality - no idea yet on this one but I’m confident something will appear when the time is right

Fear - post married life will be generally awful

Early reality - married life wasn’t as great as I had made it in my head. He was a narcissist and controlled so many aspects of my life, I just never saw it

I will be back to update in Jan 2024

posts: 38   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Spain
id 8773069

BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

I've read this entire post and it has been really helpful. As I'm only 2 weeks out from Dday I can only post the fears, but I hope I can look back someday and find I was wrong.

-I'll be alone forever.
-I'm too old, fat, and ugly for anyone to want.
-I won't get a fair share in the divorce/separation. Or more accurately, we'll split everything 50/50, which feels unfair as I did nothing wrong.
-People will think there's something wrong with me that my WH cheated.
-I'll find out about even more APS.
-I'll have to sell my house and move into a terrible apartment.
-I won't be able to do my job well enough and I'll be fired.
-I'll have to give up some/all of my pets.
-People won't believe I did nothing wrong.
-People will think he did this to me bc I gained weight/got older.
-I'll be lonely.
-I'm scared of the work it will take to keep my life busy, when before I could just go home to him.
-I loved the life I had before, I fear I'll never be that happy/content again.

Me: BW. XCH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Divorced 4/2024.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8777161

Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 8:44 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I feared I would be financially ruined & would struggle surviving with my house&child on just my own wage, but after actually enquiring how much financial support I would be eligible for here in the UK, it seems I will be better off with him gone!! I'm surprised but that has really made me feel calmer for when I'm ready to stop letting him stay in the spare bedroom & ask him to leave. He'll be financially fucked but oh well, not my problem 🤷

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8791736

FuturewasStolen ( member #74119) posted at 2:04 AM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

I have not been on this site for a long time now, but it has been on my mind. It was such a place of comfort for me when I was first going through everything and this post in specific has been in my mind. I want to make an update.

Fear - I will not be able to figure out childcare and go back to work and provide for myself and my children.

Reality - I am thriving at work! I am about to be promoted (again) because I am smart! My ex didn't want me to know this, but I am smart and capable and can figure things out! I got childcare lined up within a week for my three boys. That was two years ago and now we have our schedule and it works for us. I am killing it at work and while I'm not rich, I have enough for what we need, and a lot of what we want.

Fear - I will be sad forever.

Reality - I am still sad sometimes, when my kids are with him and not me. But overall, I am happier now than I ever ever was with him. I have my family back. I wasn't allowed to have them while I was with him and they waited for me. They understood what happened and didn't hold it against me. I have the best family and I love them so much.

Fear - I will be alone forever

Reality - I date. I am still desired. I can still find love. But I spent the last two years by myself focused on healing and as a result, I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that I am happy on my own. I am happy not having to take anyone else into consideration. I think about my boys and me and that's it. I spend my nights how I like to, and eat what I want and I am happy. And that means that I don't have to settle or put up with any crap when I date because I don't have to! If I can be happy by myself it gives me a power. A man has to prove that he's worth my time, not the other way around.

Fear - My kids will have a broken home and will be worse off for it.

Reality - I won't show my boys that its ok to treat a woman the way their dad treated me. I will teach them that I am strong and don't put up with that. I will teach them love and kindness and the right way to treat any person. I will teach them what a healthy marriage should be, even if its just me telling them about one. I won't settle and show them less than that.

In general, when I started my journey, I was scared of everything. My ex had me so convinced that I was nothing. That I was capable of nothing. That I deserved nothing. It was about two years ago that he left our house for good. Since that day everything has changed. I have found myself again. I sing again. I dance again. God has worked wonders in my life and brought me back to myself, my family, and my real future. I thought that my ex stole my future when he cheated on me, because he stole the future that I thought I wanted. But really, I have a much brighter, better future in store for me. I have made so much progress already and I can't wait to see how much further I will go.

I am still in contact with my ex because we have kids together. He still tries to hurt me any way he can. And that just shows that he is miserable person. He will never be happy. But I will. And my kids will. So anyone out there who feels like their world has just ended, have hope. Better days will come, even though you don't see it now. Put one foot in front of the other and take it a day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. You are worth it and you deserve it.

I am free now

posts: 117   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8836325

ForTheTeam ( member #57856) posted at 3:14 AM on Saturday, May 18th, 2024

Fear: Making the wrong choice

Reality: Making a choice gave me the freedom to live again

DDay - 3/9/17
Me - BW, 44
Him - WH, 40
Married - 10 years, together 14 years
No Children by choice

posts: 65   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2017   ·   location: VA
id 8836936
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