Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 12:48 AM on Thursday, May 24th, 2018

My biggest fears still years later:

My kids having a Step-Parent

Having a Blended Family

Splitting time with the kids

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8171362
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minusone ( Member #50175) posted at 6:59 PM on Tuesday, May 29th, 2018

bump

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8353   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8174861
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WhoTheBleep ( Member #49504) posted at 2:32 AM on Friday, June 8th, 2018

Bump for newbies.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4360   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8181883
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WhoTheBleep ( Member #49504) posted at 1:51 AM on Tuesday, July 10th, 2018

Bumping for Sheila!

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4360   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8202883
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 1:02 AM on Thursday, July 26th, 2018

Bump

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8215192
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trb84 ( Member #61326) posted at 4:10 PM on Wednesday, August 8th, 2018

Fears

*never connect with another man

*people think I am crazy for being with my WSO for so long

*lost friendships because I lost myself

*lack of passion and desire for life

*tarnished work reputation due to personal relationship issues

posts: 55   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2017
id 8224729
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Muggle ( Member #62011) posted at 4:36 AM on Sunday, August 12th, 2018

My STBXH (common law) of 23 years married the woman he was seeing after knowing her 14 days. It's been 6 months now.

Fear: He will die and leave her all assets before we've settled.

Reality: I will get my attorney to secure any future money that would be owed for child support or settlement.

Fear: They will live happily ever after, doing all the things we never had the money for.

Reality: He's spent thousands of dollars on fancy hotels, meals out, expensive trips, but I'll be reimbursed for it all since he wrote it all off as a business expense, and I have a good attorney.

Fear: I've wasted 23 years of my life on someone that cheated me out of genuine love, and security due to his serial cheating.

Reality: It's better to be alone than live in misery. My dog is a greater comfort than a cheating spouse. There is someone out there for me, I just have to find them.

Fear: She is everything I'm not, younger, ambitious, outgoing, and loved.

Reality: She married a broken man that cheats. She will always look over her shoulder, and be threatened by our past. He loved me before he loved her, and he didn't have an issue cheating on me, so he will do the same to her in time. She's the beginning chapter of the same book, I'm how it ends for both of us. She doesn't know it yet.

Fear: I will never be able to afford to retire after 18 years of being home with no real social security. She will benefit financially from the years he and I were together, while I have to watch her go to all the places he talked about taking me.

Reality: I will likely get the house, and a fair and equitable distribution of assets. I have enough records to cause him financial issues for the rest of his life. He owes the IRS almost $200k that she isn't aware of. She better enjoy it now before he can no longer afford to spend thousands on her "fancy tastes".

Fear: I won't be able to afford to pay my attorney and he will outlast me.

Reality: He can't afford to piss me off, as I know where all his skeletons are buried. I've been a toothless dog for years, but now I've become a pit bull with a bad attitude. The end will justify the means, even if I owe my attorney until I retire.

Fear: They won, they broke me, they will be each other's "soul mate" and will go on to make a great life filled with wonderful things.

Reality: If I survived this I can survive anything. This is a soul sucking experience, and I'm still alive. They deserve each other. What begins in lies, ends in them, and they may be happy now, but the novelty hasn't worn off yet.

Fear: I have to interact with the two of them at some point in social settings where my children will be present. I'm afraid I will dissolve into a puddle seeing them together or become enraged at the sight of them together.

Reality: I don't have to navigate Jack shit that I don't want to. No rule says I have to confront or see the source of my pain. My youngest is 16 and I don't ever have to meet her face to face. In 2 years I can tell them both to Fuck off, and send them both the letter I wrote each of them.

Fear: I may lose my father in the next year. I won't be able to afford to go help my step mom (2nd mom) when this happens as I don't have anyone in my life now to help with school for my daughter.

Reality: My oldest is 21 and others can handle it all when the time comes, and I will manage what needs to be done.

Fear: I will never make up the years I lost, and will struggle to enter the job market after years of being a SAHM.

Reality: No matter how much I make I will know it's my own money, and I will have my dignity. I may well end up with a significant settlement from our "marital" assets and might not have to work more than part time.

Fear: I will always be angry, and bitter at being discarded, replaced, and abandoned. I will miss the life I had, and will envy them and the relationship they have together.

Reality: I will eventually find acceptance, I will move on, and as my life changes I will replace bad memories with new happy memories. I will be happy again. They possess nothing that money can't buy, and their happiness is likely a temporary illusion. Karma will come full circle and we all pay the price for our deeds in life at some point.

Me: 57 Him: 57 DD #1 Christmas 2017. DD #2 Feb 2018 (my bday) with different woman she's been married 5+ times. Committed Intimate Relationship, 23 years, 3 kids, business & house. He married OW #2 eight days later in Vegas. Knew each other 14 days.

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017
id 8227397
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Skittlebug234 ( Member #45527) posted at 2:35 PM on Tuesday, August 14th, 2018

My biggest fears all center around my kids. I fear they will blame me for their dad not being around anymore. I fear they will like being with him better because he will likely have them on weekends and fun days and I will be the parent making them do homework, clean their room and get ready for school.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2014
id 8228869
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 1:36 AM on Tuesday, September 11th, 2018

Bumping for Ultramarine, as I said I would. You've got this! In years, you will realize how unfounded all your fears are as you create a wonderful new life for yourself!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8245377
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Ultramarine ( Member #44326) posted at 8:43 PM on Tuesday, September 11th, 2018

Thanks phmp!

I've got this! :)

[This message edited by Ultramarine at 2:45 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

XBS 39
XWH 38 (cerulean)
Three kids.
Married 11 years.
DDay x 8/20/14 , 6/27/18
I lost count. Happily divorced.

posts: 109   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2014
id 8245827
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EyesOpened50 ( Member #54610) posted at 9:49 AM on Thursday, September 13th, 2018

Such a daunting situation but strength comes from within - sometimes you never knew you had it!

posts: 62   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8246805
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 5:44 PM on Thursday, September 13th, 2018

Reading this again because now I fear that I'll always be miserable in this M.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8247001
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 10:37 PM on Saturday, September 22nd, 2018

3 threads on the first page have terrified, scared, and other fear words in the title, so I'm bumping this again.

You've got this, everyone! It will be tough in the interim but so worth it!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8252214
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Lawyerman ( Member #61021) posted at 3:18 PM on Sunday, September 23rd, 2018

I share a lot of the fears above and I don't know the reality yet. But I do know that I have spoken to many, many people who have divorced and not one of them has said it was a mistake.

I have spoken to friends who I know went through this as kids and most all of them say both parents were happier afterwards.

posts: 919   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2017
id 8252472
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 6:01 PM on Sunday, September 23rd, 2018

Fear that I am making the wrong decision

Fear that my kids will love him more

Fear that I won’t be ok after D

Fears that I will financially struggle and never see retirement

Fear of being alone

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8252544
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Lawyerman ( Member #61021) posted at 10:23 PM on Sunday, September 23rd, 2018

Crazy. The last one.

Can I ask you a question? Do you have any really good friends? How do they treat you? Are they always there for you?

posts: 919   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2017
id 8252660
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Nowandthen ( Member #65900) posted at 11:11 PM on Sunday, September 23rd, 2018

My main fear is regretting getting divorced, especially when I remember how wonderful our marriage used to be.

But then I remember that my husband has had at least 2 affairs, and my “wonderful” marriage hasn’t really existed for a long time.

We’re living apart now, and I’m actually relieved not to have to deal with him every day. I get the whole bed to myself, don’t have anyone checking up on what I’m buying, and I get to go where I want, do what I want, eat what I want, etc. It’s scary but fun!

Divorced, and living a better life.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2018   ·   location: UK
id 8252683
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 11:34 PM on Sunday, September 23rd, 2018

Can I ask you a question? Do you have any really good friends? How do they treat you? Are they always there for you?

I do I have a really good support system of friends who are always there for me and are very patient with me.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8252691
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minusone ( Member #50175) posted at 11:38 AM on Tuesday, October 9th, 2018

bumping

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8353   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8263148
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 3:37 PM on Sunday, November 18th, 2018

Bump

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8286187
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