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Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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lym55 ( new member #58638) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, May 8th, 2017

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:06 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

posts: 6   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2017
id 7858345
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 7:47 PM on Sunday, June 4th, 2017

Bumping for Squid

[This message edited by sassylee at 1:48 PM, June 4th (Sunday)]

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7882355
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 1:08 AM on Monday, June 5th, 2017

Thank you, sassylee.

This is really where I'm at these days.

My WW really was/is a cornerstone in the knitty-gritty of our everyday happenings. I'm not sure how I would get along without her.

Part of our D talks is how she would be here everyday, helping out with the stuff she's more akin to doing. But that would be really confusing and conflicting for me too. Having the person that destroyed me, still in our lives doing the mundane, every stuff. And she WANTS to still be involved in that stuff. Doesn't want to give it up at all. WTF

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 7882556
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 3:14 AM on Monday, June 5th, 2017

Squid - you'll learn to do what needs to be done...you'll figure it out. With your wife there, you don't need to figure it out. But really, what is it you think you can't learn? What if your wife died...what would you do? You'd figure it out! You'd screw up a few times and learn through those mistakes...

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7882638
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 3:14 AM on Monday, June 5th, 2017

Squid - you'll learn to do what needs to be done...you'll figure it out. With your wife there, you don't need to figure it out. But really, what is it you think you can't learn? What if your wife died...what would you do? You'd figure it out! You'd screw up a few times and learn through those mistakes...

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7882637
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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 3:30 AM on Monday, June 5th, 2017

My WW really was/is a cornerstone in the knitty-gritty of our everyday happenings. I'm not sure how I would get along without her.

Part of our D talks is how she would be here everyday, helping out with the stuff she's more akin to doing. But that would be really confusing and conflicting for me too. Having the person that destroyed me, still in our lives doing the mundane, every stuff. And she WANTS to still be involved in that stuff. Doesn't want to give it up at all. WTF

Having to do all the adult things was also one of my fears that I wrote about and then gave updates on.

You are smart, capable, and intelligent, and it's so empowering to figure these things out! Pretty much everything has videos on youtube, there is google, and internet forums. People love helping other people out. You probably even know some people IRL who would help -- my friend's husband installed my room air conditioner one year, another friend's husband (who is a handyman) joined me on my home inspection.

Definitely don't let her stay in your life after divorce to that degree. You will need your space to heal, and learning how to take care of things will help with your self-esteem. Plus, eventually you almost certainly will want to meet a new lady, and a healthy lady will run like crazy from a guy still so enmeshed with his ex.

You've got this. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems, and you will get through it!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7882642
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 6:19 AM on Monday, June 5th, 2017

Update at 36 months after dday:

1.-I will never be in love again

Reality: I am very optimistic about having someone in my life and feeling attracted to a man again. It took me almost 3 years but I am healing, really healing.

2.-I will never forget our life together and how "happy" we were.

Reality: it was a boring life in which we only did what he wanted whenever he wanted and I was the puppet! Now I want life to surprise me in a bigger way and in good ways!

3.-I will continue feeling like I don't want anything to do with the world (a hermit).

Reality: new people has entered my life and I notice that my ex took a lot of space that now those people are starting to fill. They are fun and interesting!

4.-I will get old, fast and be alone .

Reality: i am still alone but have a lot of interests. I am starting to feel sexy again!

6.-I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Reality: I hate him more and more. He really is pathetic.

7.-Currently I don't want anything from life (not new friends, not a new lover, not to go out) I fret I will always be like this.

Reality: Infidelity is painful and in some cases it destroys people (like in my case) but it is possible to be happy and to have a good life again.

I am suprised about my new found happiness. I feel optimistic about the future.

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7882719
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Charlee ( member #50386) posted at 11:17 AM on Monday, June 5th, 2017

Thanks to the positives from ALL of your posts as it is helping ease my fears as I move closer to D.

Fear: How can I do this? How can I D the man I was going to grow old with, the man who I have given my last 42 years of life to?

Reality: I deserve better! He had a chance after Dday#1 but decided the COW/BAW was what he wanted, bringing about Dday#2.

Fears: All of what has been mentioned

Reality: I can do this! I WILL do this!

ME: BS, 62
HIM:62
MARRIED: 40 years
DDay: #1 9/19/15
Dday #2 2/28/18
WAS headed to D NOW R?

posts: 677   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2015   ·   location: NE
id 7882776
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Lordemmy92 ( new member #59067) posted at 12:01 PM on Monday, June 5th, 2017

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:15 AM, June 5th (Monday)]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2017
id 7882796
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 8:42 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2017

bump

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 7885406
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 6:36 PM on Saturday, June 10th, 2017

Bumping for Trepidation

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7888230
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KarenDC ( member #11715) posted at 12:15 AM on Monday, June 12th, 2017

thank you for posting this, I really needed to read this today.

Me-BS; Him-FWS; Both late 50s
Together 42/Married 36yrs
D-Day 1/3/2005 total shock by me
D-Day #2 4/25/2017 numb
Divorcing


"What you feel only matters to you, what matters is what you do to those you claim to love"

posts: 794   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2006   ·   location: TEXAS
id 7889070
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 7:09 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2017

Bumping for Aquiestoy and other newbies to D/S.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 7956317
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Fablegirl ( member #56784) posted at 10:10 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2017

Fear: I will be erased because my marriage and our life together was my identity.

Reality: I am more vibrant than ever. I will always be the aunt to my nieces and nephews and the daughter in law my in laws loved. Just because he cheated and walked away doesn't diminish who I am or who in my family loves me.

Fear: I will never recover from this grief. It's too deep and raw.

Reality: Grief does change you for sure, but gradually you get stronger and then realize you will never feel as terrible as you did when it started. You never go back there.

Fear: I will be lonely all by myself in the house (and I live in a rural area).

Reality: Nope. Because grief made you strong and reach out and form bonds you never thought possible with friends. You learn to make a plan and avoid feeling alone. And then there are times when you love the silence in the house and the relief of not having him around and feeling that absence of love.

Fear: I don't exist because he doesn't love me anymore.

Reality: He doesn't exist because I don't love him anymore. I am someone else now, someone resilient and strong.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   ·   location: Mid Atlantic
id 7957163
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StrongerEverday ( member #60250) posted at 5:05 PM on Sunday, August 27th, 2017

Thank you so much for this thread! Fear has been crippling at times and reading these posts has helped me so much! I feel like I'm in the middle right now. Some realities have overcome fears but I certainly have lots of fears left. I'm going to put mine in like everyone else so I can come back later and pat myself on the back!

Fear: I can't be without him. I have no identity if I'm not married to him.

Reality: It's actually the opposite. I lost myself when I was with him. In just one month of separation, I'm figuring out who I am!

Fear: I will be all alone, especially during holidays.

Reality: I'm rarely alone and when I am, it's because I need that time. My adult kids and friends have been rockstars!

Fear: He's going to screw me over with finances.

Reality: Who cares? After reading the success stories here, I know I'll be fine!

Fear: My kids will spend more time with him because he'll have the money to "buy" their love.

Reality: I can't predict the future, but so far my kids have shown me their love for me isn't based on what I do for them. Much deeper than that. I can trust their love more than I don't trust him.

Fear: I'm wrong to leave him. He really is as wonderful now as he's telling me he is.

Fear: I'll never know what it's like to find someone who loves me with a selfless love.

Fear: I won't be successful at this new career I've embarked on. I'm not smart enough.

Fear: I will feel rejected for the rest of my life.

Over and over, thank you for this thread!

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 26 years
Dday 9/10/16
Divorced 6/18/18-rebuilding day by day

posts: 200   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 7957619
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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 12:30 PM on Friday, September 29th, 2017

Bumping up -- those of you in the early stages, things get so much better. Not sure how much solace that really is in early days, but my reality just keeps getting better than ever. You will get through this!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7985903
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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 4:29 PM on Saturday, November 25th, 2017

This hasn't been bumped up for a few months, so wanted to bump up for the newbies here. My D-Day was just about 6 years ago (yikes! time flies!) and my reality is so much more than I ever thought it could be. After a particularly wonderful last few months, I wanted to bump this up as encouragement for all of you who are where I was a few years back - in the pit of despair, self-pitying, and wondering if I could ever find happiness again.

You will find happiness and you will thrive post-divorce!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8032475
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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 2:10 AM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

Bumping for thisfknsux, as I promised in her thread.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8055979
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Thisfknsux ( member #60054) posted at 2:50 AM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

Thank you phmh. It was helpful to read these success stories and realize that I'm not alone in my fears. I'm going to add mine as well.

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I'll be fine..."

posts: 342   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2017
id 8055995
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 6:26 PM on Thursday, January 4th, 2018

Bumping just because I got here reading Sakinky's thread about walking away. I forgot I posted here.

Thanks, sassylee.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8062968
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