Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 12:35 AM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2017

Bumping up as lots of talk of fears lately.

Don't catastrophize! Things almost always turn out way, way better than expected!

XO

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7752381
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 8:45 PM on Wednesday, January 18th, 2017

Bumping for fl.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 7761074
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StrongHeart ( member #45092) posted at 10:06 PM on Wednesday, January 18th, 2017

Fear: I will marry SO and will realize down the road that we are not compatible and that I am stuck in a unhappy marriage.

Reality: Nothing is a guarantee. If I stay true to myself, then SO will either fit with that or he won't...I can leave the relationship at any time that I feel it has not enriched my life for an extended period of time, even after we marry. I just need to focus on living my life to the fullest.

Fear: Years down the road I will look back and realize again that I am miserable.

Reality: I am aware of my state of being and am working daily to be true to myself and find happiness with myself. If at any point I realize that I am unhappy I have the power right then to change my circumstances. I don't have to "stick with things" just because I am already on that path.

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 4:09 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

BS: 32; XWH: 34; DS: 3
DDay: 3/8/2014; D: 8/31/2015

"There is little growing in comfort and little comfort in growing"-unknown

"Don't take your emotional temperature in the ass of a psychopath."-unknown

posts: 1791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Louisiana
id 7761206
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Brighteyes ( member #56887) posted at 6:42 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

Fear: I will never find another man and will be alone forever

Reality: I've turned down multiple men. My standards are high now and I simply have no patience for anything I'd be settling for. I may indeed end up being alone forever, but that's actually much better than the thought of settling for someone. Plus, I like who I am and I like my life, so alone isn't really bad, and it's definitely better than being alone within a marriage.

posts: 200   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2017
id 7761997
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nothisfriend ( member #53171) posted at 8:08 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

FEAR: I will never be able to support myself and will live in constant money stress.

REALITY: I have built a good credit rating, am helping my son with college, paid for D, and managed to save enough money for a down payment. I am going to own a home for the first time in 17 years! And while I can't go crazy I have the reserves to attend to maintenance and repairs when needed instead of going into panic mode.

Me: BS 50 (at the time)
Him: WH 53 (at the time)
D-Day: 10/25/15
Married: 5/14/1988
One son, age 18 (at the time)
D final 9/13/16

posts: 1258   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2016   ·   location: Illinois
id 7762084
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 7:52 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2017

Bumping for still2suspicious

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7770567
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krsplat ( member #43242) posted at 9:18 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2017

Thank you for bumping this! I really needed to see it today.

My current fears are that:

My kids will be be irrevocably messed up, and will hate me for "sending dad away."

I will be alone forever.

I will be broke forever.

I will fail at running my household alone.

I will regret my choice to D while WH goes on to be fabulously happy.

I should probably have this

Don't catastrophize! Things almost always turn out way, way better than expected!

tattooed somewhere on my body.

Me & WH: 50+, married 23 years, 4 kids, now D
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Conclusion: Some things are just too broken to be fixed.

posts: 805   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 7770625
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still2suspicious ( member #31722) posted at 11:46 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2017

Thank you, lmm.

I am going to be 62 soon, and we own a biz together, so my fears are:

I will be alone the rest of my life.

He will walk away from the biz, so the employees and I will be out of work, and penniless. No one will hire me at this age!!

I will lose our new home, which, as long as I have a paycheck I can stay in. There is so much landscaping to be done, and I cannot do it, or afford someone to do it for me.

That he is already (he moved out today) thrilled to be rid of me, and will move on without a thought.

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1710   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 7770709
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Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 7:14 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2017

Bumping for those new to the forum.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 7785465
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I_Do_Exist ( member #24196) posted at 12:30 AM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2017

Fear: xWH will hurt my children and then kill himself in a desperate act of his mental illness and/or his final, climactic attempt to hurt me.

Reality: Statistics are on my side. This is rare. He is mentally ill, but his violence is almost solely directed at himself.

Fear: xWH will successfully take my children away from me and OW3 will become their mommy.

Reality: I am prepared enough and strong enough to fight, and prevail, in my custody suit. And OW3 can never be my children's mommy, despite her desperate attempts.

Fear: If/when I am successfully awarded full custody, I will be overwhelmed by the responsibility of *true* single parenthood. I will fall behind in everything, I will be unable to maintain my success at work, I will have no time to myself, I will have no time to pursue my interests/passions, I will have no time to nurture my friendships, and my lack of schedule flexibility will render me unattractive as a friend or love interest and I will never fall in love again.

Reality: I am already a *true* single parent. I not only can do it, I am already doing it.

Me: BW 46 determined & healing
Him: xWH 48 bipolar & NPD
Ours: 20-year marriage and 2 beautiful school-age daughters
2007-2013: 2 d-days; 2 secretaries in their 20s; 2 attempts at R
2015: D-day 3 w/secretary 3; game over; divorce final Oct 2015

posts: 902   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2009
id 7785748
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 8:50 AM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017

Bumping for stunnedandlost!

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 7792459
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TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 5:56 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2017

Bumping for the newbies.

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 7799632
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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 7:59 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2017

I was thinking about this on my run this morning, as I just recently hit my 5 year anniversary of moving out of the marital house and into my own apartment, which in my mind marks true separation from WXH, as prior to that I'd been considering trying to R with him. Moving out made it final; divorce only made it official. I posted my reality in 2013, when I was one year out. Things have only gotten better, so I'm updating with my reality in 2017, which is 5 years out. I know when I was going through the worst, all I wanted was some hope that things would get better. I was sure they would never get better and I'd be in love with WXH forever, but a small sliver of me thought if others could make it, maybe somehow I could, too.

Fear: disappointing my family (we don't get divorced), friends distancing themselves from me because they didn't want me trying to steal their husbands, being lonely since I'd distanced myself from most of my friends due to XWH's social problems.

2013 Reality: my family stepped up in amazing ways. I am closer to my parents and siblings than ever before. Friends are amazing -- they send their husbands to my house to help me move or lift things. I go out with several different couples -- just the 3 of us -- and it's not awkward or strange. I've reconnected with old friends and made many new friends.

2017 Reality: I have created a community of friends around me that I didn't even know could exist. People who have become like a second family to me. I remain close to my parents and we have a great relationship as well (better than when I was married). Even better than in 2013!

Fear: money concerns. I found out I was losing my job right before D-Day. XWH and I had an agreement that I didn't have to work once that happened since I'd put him through med school and he was just about to make a doctor's salary. I visited a recruiter after D-Day and he told me I'd be lucky to make 50% of my then-current salary, given the job market. No kids, so no CS, and laws in my state are terrible -- I was basically a one-woman scholarship fund for XWH -- so no alimony, either.

2013 Reality: I got an amazing job where I make more than triple what the recruiter said I'd make. I'll be out-earning XWH in a couple of years. I am buying my dream house in two weeks.

2017 Reality: Through hard work and a bit of luck, I've had several promotions and raises. My salary has increased during the past few years, and things look good for the future as well. I love my house, and am in the process of redoing my kitchen. Even better than in 2013!

Fear: living alone. I went from my parents' house to college roommates to married. How would I do everything that XWS used to do, all on my own?

2013 Reality: XWS didn't really do all that much. It's not so hard being an adult! I have become a much better cook, handylady, and manage my life really well.

2017 Reality: I continue to thrive doing everything alone. I can't believe I was worried about this! There are instructions on how to do almost everything on the internet, people are happy to help out when needed, and I can always hire someone. I love living alone and knowing everything is how I want it. Even better than in 2013!

Fear: dating. I'd never dated as an adult, as XWH and I got together when I was 20. How do I do it? Will men be interested in me? ARGH!!!

2013 Reality: I'm currently taking a break from dating, but there is lots of interest out there. It's really not that tough, and the knowledge I've gained from reading about relationships has served me well -- allowing me to break things off when red flags appear and hold out for someone who truly is wonderful. Also, there is so much more out there to life than romantic relationships. I've been having so much fun!

2017 Reality: Dating was an interesting roller coaster -- I wound up going on over 60 first dates until I took some time off to focus on me and my life. And, as they always say, it happens when you least expect it. Through a strange set of circumstances, I met the most wonderful man. We've been together 18 months. It's so nice to be treated so well and to have a truly reciprocal and loving relationship. Exceeded my expectations, and is even better than in 2013!

Summary: Don't lose hope, those of you who are just starting out. I know it's so scary. This shit is HARD, and it's not what any of us envisioned for our lives, or thought would ever happen when we made our commitment. But there is a wonderful life out there, full of caring, loving, faithful people. Just take things one step at a time, and you will find a great life - the one you were meant to be living!! XOXO

[This message edited by phmh at 8:32 PM, March 19th (Sunday)]

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7813080
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 3:59 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2017

Thanks so much for the update Phmh! This has been one of my favorites posts since I started reading in this section.

I was sooo afraid and traumatized at first but posts like this helped me have faith and continue.

I will soon update mine because things are getting better for me too.

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7813441
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 3:35 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2017

bumping this, because the fears are getting real and maybe someone else needs to see this gem of a thread!

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 7846208
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TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 3:40 PM on Friday, May 5th, 2017

Bumping this for the newbies in D/S.

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 7855939
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 4:41 PM on Friday, May 5th, 2017

Great update phmh, thank you!

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6384   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7856021
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 1:45 AM on Sunday, May 7th, 2017

❤️

This should be in the NB forum too!!

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7857362
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Notfromhere ( member #56006) posted at 12:09 PM on Sunday, May 7th, 2017

Six month update.

I wrote the below in this thread 6 months ago. Sadly I can't figure out how to just quote the post so I'm copying and pasting it instead.

---------------------------

November 2016

It's been less than a week since STBX moved out. What's weird is that I feel like should be referring to him as XH already. That probably means something?

Anyway I'm stuck mostly in fear right now. It's also the first weekend that he has DD so that's weird and lonely.

I'm hoping to post here to get my fears out and maybe I can come and update as time goes by.

1: That DD will prefer being with him than me.

6 MONTH UPDATE: DD does love her special weekends with Daddy but not more than she likes being with me. I'm happy that they have fun together and appreciate having some time to myself.

2: That he'll meet someone new who won't be good to DD.

UPDATE: Still nervous about this one. He hasn't met anyone yet and doesn't seem to be looking, but who knows what will happen when he does?

3: That I'll meet someone new who isn't good to DD and I will somehow miss it until it's too late.

UPDATE: I've met someone. I don't know how serious it's going to be, but he's a great Dad to his own daughter and I have no concerns that he would be anything other than good to mine.

(2 and 3 come right from my childhood so hopefully can be avoided due to experience?).

4: That I'll slump into a depression over the winter.

UPDATE: The beginning was hard. I had a very tough time on weekends when X had DD, especially Friday after pick up. But I started making plans for Friday nights, started a Separated and Divorced group on Meetup.com and before I knew it I was super busy and doing great.

5: That I won't be able to maintain a cheery disposition for Christmas and will thereby ruin DDs Christmas Day.

UPDATE: this wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, mainly because I had DD and she was SO excited it was impossible not to be excited too. I invited X over for the afternoon and it worked out well.

6: That I won't be able to manage my money.

UPDATE: I have been staying within the budget I set myself and am doing fine with that. I do still have money concerns but they are concerns not fears.

7: That I'll never be able to financially support myself to the degree I could prior to giving up my job for his.

UPDATE: Still a bit worried about this one. Kiddo goes into kindergarten in september half day. It makes trying to get a job so difficult. But I'm doing photography and a bunch of other small things and am making it work.

8: That people will think I was a crap partner and couldn't make H happy.

UPDATE: Most people seem to think that he was the crap partner and that I'm doing amazing without him. Which has some truth to it.

9: That I'll be alone for ever.

UPDATE: I don't think so!

10: That sex is over for me.

UPDATE: Apparently not!! I've been dating someone for a month and sex has happened (a lot!) this weekend.

11: That I am making a mistake and should be FORCING him to love me.

UPDATE: I'm so done with this fear. I have been happier these last couple of months than i have been in YEARS. SO or no SO I would rather be single forever than be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me.

12: That we are ruining DD's life and have given her terrible relationship role models for the first 4 years of her life.

UPDATE: This still holds true, but I think she is seeing a happier more confident Mother and that counts for something. Also I hope (maybe?) to have a better relationship role model to show her one day in the future. Or to teach her that she needs to look within herself for happiness and a relationship is the icing on the cake not the be all and end all.

Me: 40. Brit living in the US. SAHM to a feisty 5 year old.
Him: 46. Mid life crisis? Suspected infidelity but I now think he probably didn't cheat.
I suspected infidelity, but he swears not and now I don't know. It really doesn't mat

posts: 115   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2016
id 7857580
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lym55 ( new member #58638) posted at 1:42 PM on Monday, May 8th, 2017

It is always a bad thing to find yourself in such a spot as the investigator with your own partner because I was in this situation some weeks back,yet I didn’t get him because he’s a smart husband .A friend introduced me to this hacker cybernnectic at gmail com his work is amazing.I was able to read my husband charts and calls with his so call mistress.

posts: 6   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2017
id 7858270
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