Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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homewrecked2011 ( Member #34678) posted at 4:34 AM on Friday, October 14th, 2016

Fear: my sons loved their Dad. I thought they would want to live with him.

Reality: He has pushed our sons away with his selfishness. I do not talk bad about him. The boys sadly figured out what their Dad is (selfish). They rarely see him. Rarely go to his house.

Fear: I was so confused I wanted to die.

Reality: I decided I was going to have the HONOR of raising my sons, and being there for their big days in life. Thank God! Because xwh does not go to any extracurricular activities. He doesn't think college is important, therefore he doesn't encourage good grades, rather he belittles them for not working more, studying less. Yeah, thank God I'm here for them!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:44 PM, October 13th (Thursday)]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5360   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 7684491
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TrustGone ( Member #36654) posted at 10:36 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2016

Bump for newbies to read.

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 7693193
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Issaquah ( Member #34484) posted at 2:39 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2016

I'm just at fears right now:

1. Fear that I won't be able to parent my autistic son on my own.

2. Fear that I will be lonely - not grown my social group.

3. Fear that I will never have a romantic partner - long term partner again.

4. Fear that I won't make enough money and will be broke/bankrupt

They're not debilitating fears - but certainly in the background and previously prevented me from leaving after all the other DDays over the years.

BS - Me, 45
ExWS - Husband, 47 SA dx in March 2013
T-25, M-21 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays / OWs since 1999
Most recent DDay 8-12
Divorced

posts: 876   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2012   ·   location: Virginia
id 7693413
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Backslider ( Member #54066) posted at 5:26 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2016

I'm just at fears right now too, but reading everyone else's opened my eyes to how minor mine are:

Finances: Nope, I'm the frugal saver, I'll be better off.

Being alone: Nope, I LIKE being alone, I live for the evenings he goes out with his group of friends. And I've got a German Shepherd, so I won't be scared.

Moving down: Yep - we have a really nice house now, I will only be able to get half as nice a place on my own.

Maintaining my home: That is a real fear. He did all the decorating, and I love what he did. He handled all the maintenance and remodeling. All things that I am NOT good at.

Commute: I won't be able to afford a house close to where I work, and will face a minimum 1 hour commute each way. I hate leaving my dog alone that long.

Social issues: No one in my family is divorced -- NO ONE. I will be the first loser, and that is crushing me and is the biggest thing holding me back.

I will miss him: Probably. I made a list of all the things I WON'T miss about him, that helped alleviate a little of that fear.

A Ride to the Doctor: Of all the stupid things, this is one of my biggest. I have to have some dental work done where I have to be put under, who will I ask to drive me there and pick me up?

Me - BW 57, WH 58, OW 65 ha
M 28 years, D day 1/2017
One of us is working on the D paperwork, the other is dragging his heels "in case things don't work out." Spare me, I ain't no Plan B woman!

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2016   ·   location: California
id 7693491
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 7:41 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2016

Bumping for HHmom2

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7696626
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Breakaway ( Member #50448) posted at 7:33 AM on Monday, October 31st, 2016

Bumping and adding my own fears so I can come back and edit later.

Fear #1: I fear my son will be heartbroken and it will impact his happy, outgoing, fun-loving personality. I fear he will hate me because I'm moving us away. I don't want him to grow up in a broken family. Both my WH and myself grew up with both parents and I can't imagine what it will be like for him. I fear it will mess him up. I am also afraid that my son will never see his dad, and I am afraid his dad will become a deadbeat and not make efforts because he is so egocentric.

Fear #2: I love my WH and fear I'm making a mistake. One part of me believes this is the right decision because I don't think I can be happy with him, and the other part of me just won't let go. I fear losing the love of my life, even though I know I wasn't his. I know this is a silly fear, because I already have lost him. So, I guess I fear I won't get over him?

Fear #3: I know all too well that my financial situation will suffer. I want to go back to school and I want a better-paying job. I am afraid I won't be able to afford to go back to school upon separation.

Fear #4: I am afraid of change and starting over. I like my life here. I like my house. I like the area. I like my stuff. I like the life I've built. I am afraid of letting go.

Okay, so I know we talk about what we do fear, but things I also want to list what I don't fear:

- I don't fear being alone. I don't fear living on my own. We have pretty much lived a roommates most of our relationship, thanks to him, and I've been alone many times before due to him being military.

- I don't fear being a single parent, because I pretty much have been most of our relationship.

- I don't fear being able to find financial security. I know it will take a while and will be bumpy, but I am confident I will get there.

- I don't fear finding a new relationship or finding love again. I know that if I can let go of my WH, and focus on myself, I will find love again.

- I am not afraid of being miserable because I know I am miserable now. My WH regularly makes me feel stupid and unattractive. He keeps me from doing things we want to do. He complains about everything. He always puts people down. He has this knack for pointing out the negative quality in everyone. I know I love him, but at the same time, he's not healthy for me.

Me: BW (32)/Him: WH (34) serial cheater
Married: 16 years/Children: DS 14
OWs: At least 8 over 15 years
D-Days: 2015-18 (10 total)

posts: 1224   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2015
id 7696893
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DdV65 ( Member #33846) posted at 3:21 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2016

2 days from now my WH moves out. After 20 years of crap.

I have fears that I will post this up coming weekend, but this thread is what has helped me to get my feet under me and think about what I need.

I am so thankful for this thread and for the support of this site.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 7703595
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 1:59 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2016

Bumping for new members

posts: 4961   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 7706340
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Leonalion ( Member #52309) posted at 1:33 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2016

I'm mostly stuck at fears right now, although in my head I know what the reality is to some of them. I thought posting here might help me to get past the fears and give me the strength and courage that I need right now.

Fear: DD will be hurt by having to live in two different places, have different sets of rules/expectations, and she'll have to put up with her dad without me there to be a buffer.

Fear: FWBF really has changed a lot, so maybe DD will even like being with him better than she likes being with me, after all, she will have a good grandma and grandpa and extended family when she is at his house.

Fear: I will not be able to make ends meet financially on my own

Reality: he has never paid his share of anything, so this really shouldn't be too much of an issue. If worst comes to worst I can apply for some aid, or I could even ask my dad for help

Fear: I won't be able to defend my kids and myself at home alone

Reality: chances that someone will break into my house are pretty slim, I will be left with my own guns, I can learn how to shoot them so that if anything were to happen, I could defend us. I don't trust FWBF's judgement anyway, or that he would wake up if there were an intruder, so we are probably better off with me being in charge.

Fear: FWBF's family will hold us splitting up against me

Fear: my kids won't have much of a family with me (my parents suck, they are not good grandparents, my sister lives far away so we never see her, etc.)

Fear: I don't know how to fix things or maintain the home

Reality: I can look it up and probably do it myself. If I can't do it myself I can call a handyman (if I have the money)

Fear: social anxieties. I feel like a loser that I have two children, each with a different dad, I feel like people (especially my family) will judge me harshly. I also don't have my own friends, all the people we socialize with are FWBF's friends.

Fear: being lonely

Reality: I like being by myself, I have two awesome kids to spend as much time as I can with, I have parents, however crappy they are, that I want to make sure I do all that I can to spend at least some time with while they are still here, as well as two aunts that I should spend more time with. I also always have a million things to do that I never seem to get done, maybe without his drama all the time, I could get stuff done and even have time for a hobby or two!

Fear: My kids will prefer to spend holidays at their dad's houses, where there are gatherings of extended families and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts.

Reality: I've always wanted to be able to stay home on holidays, instead of running around to eight different houses. I've always wanted to be able to prepare holiday dinners for my family. My kids and I can make some fun traditions and enjoy holidays together, and they will know that they are about spending time with the people we live, not about what kinds of presents we are getting.

Fear: That I'm making a mistake.

Reality: something that I've wanted for so long can't be a mistake, can it?

Fear: Change. I fear change. It's not comfortable. It's unknown. It's scary.

Reality: Change is inevitable, it's always happening. I can suck it up and get through it and come out better than I have ever been before.

Now how about a few things I can look forward to-

no more drama

no more wastefulness

less mess for me to clean up

less laundry to do

more space without his stuff cluttering things up

no more frustration over doing everything myself when there's an able bodied person laying on the couch

no more frustration that I'm the only one worrying about or paying bills when there's another person who should share the responsibility

I imagine I'll relax, no more tension headaches

No one oggling me, coming up behind me to pretend to hump me, or wanting to have sex with me when I'm doing yoga

No one questioning me about why it took so long to get groceries or why I have to do whatever I'm doing

No more walking on eggshells, I could do what I want, when I want, say what I want to who I want, without getting shit for it

No one teasing and making fun of me constantly!!

No one pushing me to spend my money on things I don't care about or think are necessary

No one pressuring me to go places or do things that I don't want to

I can go to church without someone being jealous, I could even volunteer to help teach the Sunday school

I can plan for my future, without someone else holding me back

"We are all products of our childhoods". -Michael Jackson

posts: 98   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 7709358
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 8:53 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2016

My current fear is him trying to hoover me back!

Reality: I won't let him

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:53 PM, November 17th (Thursday)]

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 7709679
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Notfromhere ( Member #56006) posted at 7:49 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2016

It's been less than a week since STBX moved out. What's weird is that I feel like should be referring to him as XH already. That probably means something?

Anyway I'm stuck mostly in fear right now. It's also the first weekend that he has DD so that's weird and lonely.

I'm hoping to post here to get my fears out and maybe I can come and update as time goes by.

1: That DD will prefer being with him than me.

2: That he'll meet someone new who won't be good to DD.

3: That I'll meet someone new who isn't good to DD and I will somehow miss it until it's too late.

(2 and 3 come right from my childhood so hopefully can be avoided due to experience?).

4: That I'll slump into a depression over the winter.

5: That I won't be able to maintain a cheery disposition for Christmas and will thereby ruin DDs Christmas Day.

6: That I won't be able to manage my money.

7: That I'll never be able to financially support myself to the degree I could prior to giving up my job for his.

8: That people will think I was a crap partner and couldn't make H happy.

9: That I'll be alone for ever.

10: That sex is over for me.

11: That I am making a mistake and should be FORCING him to love me.

12: That we are ruining DD's life and have given her terrible relationship role models for the first 4 years of her life.

Me: 40. Brit living in the US. SAHM to a feisty 5 year old.
Him: 46. Mid life crisis? Suspected infidelity but I now think he probably didn't cheat.
I suspected infidelity, but he swears not and now I don't know. It really doesn't mat

posts: 115   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2016
id 7710342
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Hawke ( Member #47517) posted at 9:26 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2016

Bumping for Johnnyfever!

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 7711900
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 10:10 AM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016

Biggest fear is that he will never leave me the fuck alone! Leave me alone STBXWH I can't stand your ass!

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 7712137
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 3:45 AM on Sunday, December 4th, 2016

Thank you Phmh!

This is not about fear VS reality. This post is for the starter of this thread! (Tried to send you a PM but wasn't successful)

I wanted to say thank you for coming back and sharing your story and for sharing your wisdom!

I will always be grateful for the people in NB forum who is also sharing positive and fun stories of your new adventures!

After 2 years of dday (and deep depression) I am finally feeling like a normal human being again and I force myself to just read positive stories and answer to new members sometimes but I feel like I want to LIVE again and you are very inspiring.

I wanted to say thank you so much!

LMM

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7720568
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 12:27 PM on Monday, December 5th, 2016

LMM - I didn't realize I was at my limit for PMs -- just deleted.

I'm glad that something I have written may be helpful to you. I know when I was where you were, I lived to hear that things were going to be OK.

And now they are better than OK, and I KNOW the same thing will be the case for you. You are already in the process of living and in a few years, you will look back and be amazed at how far you've come.

You've got this! Huge hugs!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7721308
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Blindsidedx2 ( New Member #56054) posted at 5:25 PM on Wednesday, December 7th, 2016

So glad to have found this post. I am just starting the D process. My fears are like most of yours.

Fear: My 2 sons will be destroyed and won't have the "all American family" like I had growing up and all their friends have.

Fear: That I will be alone the rest of my life.

Fear: That I won't be able to make it financially on my own.

Fear: That my WH will try to beg me to stay and try to talk me out of the D after I have already paid the $3K retainer, later today, and I will be out a LOT of money.

Some encouragement would be nice as I make this first real step towards D today. I'm terrified.

ME: BW 48
1st XWH: Married 4.5 years
Him: WH 48 Married 19 years 2 DS
D-Day: 9/16/2016
Current status: MC, but very skeptical

posts: 19   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2016
id 7723309
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Shattereddd ( Member #51338) posted at 6:25 PM on Wednesday, December 7th, 2016

Fear: My 2 sons will be destroyed and won't have the "all American family" like I had growing up and all their friends have.

No such thing. If you are the great parent you seem to be, they will be fine. Use the supports available and trust yourself. You've got this.

Fear: That I will be alone the rest of my life.

I share this one, and have nothing to say to the contrary. Except for the fact that we both know logically the likelihood of this is quite small. It's not in our nature.

Fear: That I won't be able to make it financially on my own.

Lot of options and supports out there. You can choose whatever you want for your life...you can make it happen. That's what you're teaching the children, right?

Fear: That my WH will try to beg me to stay and try to talk me out of the D after I have already paid the $3K retainer, later today, and I will be out a LOT of money.

What I hear you really saying is you fear the influence that your STBXH's objections will have one you. Are you working on yourself? Your self-esteem? Your co-dependency? That is how to address this fear. By loving yourself enough to not allow another person's actions to dictate your life. You are in control.

Seriously...YOU'VE GOT THIS!

Me: BXH Her: WXW
DDay1 - 2005 DDay2 - 2015 --> Divorced 2017

posts: 1082   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2016
id 7723375
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Blindsidedx2 ( New Member #56054) posted at 6:04 PM on Thursday, December 8th, 2016

Thank you Shattereddd. My last fear came true last night. The lawyer's office called and said they had to leave on an emergency and so I would not be able to sign the retainer letter. I worried that this was a sign that I was doing the wrong thing. I talked to my WH when he got home last night and told him that I wanted to go through with the D. He had moments of anger and moments of tenderness. He told me he did not want the D, but if I was dead set on it, to PLEASE wait until our oldest gets to college (1.5 years). He said it would take us both to keep him on track. I'm afraid he's right about that.

I cried the rest of the night and this morning too. I'm so tormented with confusion and doubt. The rest of my story is in JFO under "Not Just Friends".

Are you working on yourself? Your self-esteem? Your co-dependency? That is how to address this fear. By loving yourself enough to not allow another person's actions to dictate your life. You are in control.

I am trying to work on my self. I've had 2 good MC sessions without WH. I am literally a basket case right now. I know I need IC. Trying to fit in IC, MC, and setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist for medication management, is all a bit much at one time. I'm pulled in 3 different directions.

ME: BW 48
1st XWH: Married 4.5 years
Him: WH 48 Married 19 years 2 DS
D-Day: 9/16/2016
Current status: MC, but very skeptical

posts: 19   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2016
id 7724189
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ForTheKids ( Member #52874) posted at 7:50 PM on Thursday, December 8th, 2016

This is my first stab at this thread and I'll start with a simple one

Fear--I would be financially ruined by the end of this divorce. I would blow through my savings and would have to dip into my retirement savings to make the year.

Reality!!!

By the time I divorce I should have more money in my savings than at any point in my marriage! I have been pretty frugal this year and having to manage everything from groceries, kids expenses, entertainment.....I realize now that WW was more of a financial drain than I knew. This is including spending money on a lawyer and house renovations.

It was not big stuff.....just the weekly 50 dollar Walmart trips, clothes,makeup ect. I never realized how much she actually spent a month on that stuff. Also I got only one vehicle and some shopping around on insurance, tv, phone plans and I save way more money than I ever imagined.

I still managed to do a couple trips and I do spend money on kids trips/entertainment but that is the cheap stuff. Not what I expected at all

D Day November 2015....no R

ForTheKids

posts: 329   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Canada
id 7724284
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 2:14 AM on Sunday, December 11th, 2016

And now they are better than OK, and I KNOW the same thing will be the case for you. You are already in the process of living and in a few years, you will look back and be amazed at how far you've come.

Thanks you again Phmh! I can't wait for the years to fly and be happy again and completely detached from my ex!

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7725994
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