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Newest Member: KRE74

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality


Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 11:04 PM on Friday, July 24th, 2015

Update at 10 months after dday:

1.-I will never be in love again

Reality: I am starting to feel hope again that I might love soon.

2.-I will never forget our life together and how "happy" we were.

Reality: I am completely fed up I hate him and I wouldn't change a peaceful moment with myself and my dogs for one moment with him. I am not sure how I blinded myself so much not to see the wicked person he was with me.

3.-I will continue feeling like I don't want anything to do with the world (a hermit).

Reality: I still don't want to go out so much but I feel comfortable at home.

4.-I will get old, fast and be alone .

Reality: who cares? I lovemyself and enjoy myself so much. i lived my whole life for others and now I want to live it just for me.

6.-I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Reality: sometimes I miss him but not as much as the first months that I felt like my heart was in pain all the time!

7.-Currently I don't want anything from life (not new friends, not a new lover, not to go out) I fret I will always be like this.

Reality: I have met a few men through OLD and feel hopeful again! I have new friends and interests that are much more pleasant than the ex.

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7293890

smoke fire ( member #33478) posted at 1:13 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2015

I am not a newbie to infidelity but I am a newbie to separation. Thank you to everybody who posted on here about their fears versus the reality. I am so new to separation and I am so filled with fears right now. I suffer from chronic pain, which I am told is fibromyalgia but I suspect I have something else wrong with me. Since the separation, my pain level has skyrocketed and I feel like nothing is helping. My pain puts me in a tailspin of fear. I am so scared to be alone with my chronic illness. All I think is who's going to help me when I can't walk or I can't drive myself to the doctor? The reality is there have been very few times that I was not able to drive myself to the doctor and it was simply because I was having a procedure done. As far as walking I've always been able to walk so I don't know why I'm freaking out about that. My mother said that when she separated from my stepfather a few years ago she was numb from head to toe, but she still managed and she was in her early 60s. Fortunately for her she's in better physical condition than I am. I guess she doesn't really understand why I'm so fearful because I'm so much younger than she was when she separated from my stepfather. thanks for reading.

[This message edited by smoke fire at 10:35 AM, July 25th (Saturday)]

Me- BW 46
Him- WH 46
Together 22 years
Married 18
DS 15
DDAY-- February 2011
Status: fought the good fight, but 4 1/2 years later, it's over.

posts: 897   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2011   ·   location: Southwest
id 7294283

MakingMyFuture ( member #43530) posted at 6:42 AM on Monday, July 27th, 2015

Thank you for this post! Adding my own....

Fear: My DS would turn out angry and broken like my older brother who was the same age when my parents Divorced.

Reality: My DS went from wetting the bed every night and doing things like trying to run away and trying to put his fist through a glass door, to being caring and happy. Now he communicates when he is upset and knows how to express himself...something he would never learn from his Dad.

Fear: I would lose the kids half of the time

Reality: He wanted to be a Disney Dad. I have them all but 4 days a month, including all majors holidays. He has moved 30 minutes away and built an 'office' with a bachelor pad over the top, a huge built in bar for throwing parties and a gym. Room for a gym and bar...but not a room for the kids.

Fear: I would be supporting him for the rest of my life

Reality: Did quick mediation and "we both waved alimony" while he was still in the fog & before he ever calculated what I would have to pay him.

Fear: I will never be loved or cared for the way he cared for me.

Reality: My realization that there was no affection or care for me. There was no communication at all with me (or anyone else for that matter) or interest in spending time with me in any way. The only actual actions towards me were either passive aggressive, condescending, or the minimum interest he thought he needed to show to get laid. All while doing extremely degrading horrible things behind my back. That isn't care of love. There isn't a single positive thing he did or provided that couldn't be replaced with someone in the phone book.

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15

posts: 1128   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2014   ·   location: SoCal
id 7295582

Lally ( member #43116) posted at 2:48 PM on Tuesday, August 11th, 2015


Me: BW (40's)
Him: WS (40's), sober since DDay2
Married 10 years, DS under 10 yrs
DDay 1: 12/20/13
TT until DD 2: 7/18/14
DDay 3 6/20/2015 This is the one that made me realize just how broken he really is. He is his own worst enemy.

posts: 318   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2014
id 7311091

TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 4:48 PM on Tuesday, August 11th, 2015

Since I will be Divorcing today I would like yo add my two cents worth for the new people who just joined the forum or who are considering S/D.

Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth....Pema Codran

Fear: If I kick him out I will lose everything I ever worked for and the house will be foreclosed on and ruin my credit.

Reality: I did lose my house/land/farm, but I sold it just in time to avoid a foreclosure and saved my credit. I got all the furniture and household items so starting over in an apartment as actually fun. No grass to mow, weeds to pull, cows to feed, no maintanence and it is cheaper than my house payment, utilities are lower. I do miss my garden, land, home, cattle,

but have found a great farmers market that has locally grown vegtables.

Fear: My heart will break so bad that I will just give up with my health conditions being so bad...What do I have left to live for.

Reality: I have actually gotten much better health wise since we separated. I have lost weight, but am eating better. My depression has gotten much better.

Fear: I am 52yrs old and will never find anyone else that will love me the way STBX loves me.

Reality: He did not love anyone but himself. He used love bombing as a way to control and manipulate and detract me from the real issueshe was creating with his double life. I also found I don't need a man to feel loved. I love myself and that's what is important.

Fear: I have never lived alone. I will become a hermit.

Reality: I was being a hermit at my own home and being depressed everyday. I now get up, get dressed, straighten the apartment, and am ready to go on a new adventure. I don't have to answer to anyone about where I am or what time I will be home. It is so freeing.

Fear:I will be financially destitute and will be living on the streets.

Reality: I have friends and family that have offered me a place to stay. Although I'm not rich, I do better without him. He wanted to save his, while I spent mine (disability) on groceries, household items, 1/2 the bills, etc.. He would not take some of the bills and was making me use my IRA's to get by every month. I can now buy what I want within reason and don't have to worry about how much he is spending. Plus I got SS and 1/2 his pension due to my disability.

Fear: I will get sick in the middle of the night (it has happened before) and have no one to take me to the ER.

Reality: My friends check on me day and night and said they would be there for me if I have an emergency.

I am sure there are others, but I just wanted newbies to know that our fear is often worse than our reality. (((HUGS)))

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 7311226

nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 2:13 PM on Thursday, August 13th, 2015


You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 7313162

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:39 PM on Thursday, August 13th, 2015

My fear is that my WH really is a Narcissist and our D will be horrific with ties that bind. I don't want to deal with his manipulations with the kids. It happens now and we're not even D'd.

I fear who my WH will have around my kids

I fear my WH constantly trying to suck me back in

I fear my WH will lie about what he really makes so that I would have to pay him alimony

I fear losing my kids (my WH is telling everyone I am mentally Ill)

I have no realities to post yet as I am still on an undecided path, but it helped to post my fears!

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 7313818

Imissmyhusb ( member #42734) posted at 1:55 AM on Friday, August 14th, 2015

I fear who my WH will have around my kids

I fear my WH constantly trying to suck me back in

Me too!

I fear being tossed aside by my inlaws. I really enjoy them and its scary to face that i may not be considered part of the family anymore. My presence at events will be uncomf for them

Reality- MIL told me thats not gonna happen as i am

her grandchildren's mother and they love me. That felt better but idk how the rest of them feel

Multiple d-days and TT
3 kids
me - Gettg my life back, him - idk him any more
I dont know why I stay. Need to figure it out

posts: 472   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2014
id 7313924

smoke fire ( member #33478) posted at 1:48 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2015

I'm bumping this for some who are new to this form, as I found it helpful, when my STBX and I separated .

I was scared to be on my own and I thought I would fail, but I'm doing it and I'm not failing

Me- BW 46
Him- WH 46
Together 22 years
Married 18
DS 15
DDAY-- February 2011
Status: fought the good fight, but 4 1/2 years later, it's over.

posts: 897   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2011   ·   location: Southwest
id 7351154

whiteflower99 ( member #13937) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2015

Help me with this please

Fear: I will be alone dealing with a degenerative disease that will leave me disabled

Fear: I will be replaced, I HAVE been replaced by a myriad of women. Anyone, so long as is wasn't me

Fear: My children will live this nightmare

Fear: I will fail while he rides blissfully of into the sunset

Fear: I never mattered. It was all about his image

Help me break free of this please

What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way.

posts: 2187   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Not Lothlorien
id 7351242

smoke fire ( member #33478) posted at 1:50 PM on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2015


I am also alone dealing with chronic illness, taking care of a home, 3 dogs and my 15 year old son. I do not have family here. I have been building a support network of friends since my first DDay, which was almost 5 years ago. Do you have a good support network?

You were replaced, we all were, but they aren't worthy of us and now we will replace them.

Our children do have to live through this, but they will be okay. I am speaking from experience as my parents divorced when I was 13 due to my mother's affair and need to be on her own. Fortunately for me, she changed and has been a good mom. In fact, she's been my biggest supporter through this ordeal. My dad died in 1999, but I wonder what he would have said to me. I think he would have been a huge support too. Just be the best mom you possibly can be under these terrible circumstances. Your children will always be there for you.

You will NOT fail. I know you will not fail as I am not failing. If I can manage to get through this, I truly think anyone can. I have a lot of health issues and every day is a challenge, but I'm doing it. Let him ride off into the sunset, you will be better off. My mom kept saying to me over the last few years that she thought my marriage was making me sick. It turns out she was right. I was severely depress and now I'm not. I'm functioning, doing things in my home, fully present for my son and I have made some new friends . I have also been seeing a lot more of my old friends. When I get overwhelmed, I have to take it second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.

All my best to you. Send me a PM if you want to chat more or keep in touch as you journey through this nightmare we were handed by our WS's.

Me- BW 46
Him- WH 46
Together 22 years
Married 18
DS 15
DDAY-- February 2011
Status: fought the good fight, but 4 1/2 years later, it's over.

posts: 897   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2011   ·   location: Southwest
id 7352035

Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 7:59 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2016

Bumping for Newcomers (and for me).

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 7437179

DeeplyCrushed ( member #48367) posted at 8:59 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2016

So empowering!

Am I the only one who wanted to jump up and pump my fist when I read these posts?

Thank you ALL for giving hope to us newbies

"It's ok to be a glowstick; sometimes we have to break before we shine." ~~Unknown

posts: 1440   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2015
id 7437213

Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 11:43 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2016

I made a list of my fears a few days ago, as part of my Rebuilding when your Relationship Ends (by Bruce Fisher). I read them to my mom, and her response was that everyone has those fears.

1. Financial insecurity or dependence.

2. Being a bad (single) parent.

3. Missing my kids when I don't have them.

4. Being angry/losing control.

5. Aging alone.

6. Never loving again.

7. Losing my mental faculties over this.

8. Being hurt again or even more next time.

9. Being unable to cope with change.

10. The separation harming my children.

My mom is right. Most of these are pretty universal fears. It's just that I'm unusually sensitive to them right now. Perhaps it's because separation/divorce is such a huge change, I've recently been traumatized by infidelity (and experienced a couple of similar traumas in the last couple of years). I'm also losing my spouse who was a bit of an emotional and financial safety net. I have to think about the "Reality" part to counter the "Fear" part now.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 7437304

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 2:33 AM on Thursday, May 19th, 2016

Three years since I originally posted this! Wanted to bump it up for new people. I read this now and don't even recognize that lady. Things have a way of working out. You've got this!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7560286

mitz66 ( member #17888) posted at 4:46 AM on Thursday, May 19th, 2016

Thank you Phmh. I definitely needed to read this today. My wh said he no longer wanted to separate, he wanted to stay together and be free, just not free of me. Meaning he wants contact with ow and her child as friends and stay married.

My fear - 3rd time married makes me a failure

Reality - I did not make him cheat, not my failure.

Fear - He will bad mouth me and ruin my professional reputation.

Reality - I know he has already said untruths about me and those who know me have not bought into his delusions. I have no control over what he says or does.

Fear - I will accept his cheating ways.

Reality - I know I deserve better or at least be happier alone than alone in a relationship with him.

I just need to breath and keep one foot in front of the other.

Me:50/55. BS Him:48 XWH/55 xwbfMarried almost 10 years/ 3 yr rel3 adult kids/ 2 adult kids1st DDay 2 wks after marriage/ Mar 105 OW's and false R's/ 1+ OW’s? April 2017 Divorced/ ended rel Mar 16No second chances ever again!

posts: 898   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2008
id 7560385

Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 1:14 AM on Saturday, May 21st, 2016

18 months after dday:

Fear: I will never be in love again

Reality: Right now I am not interested in dating but who knows? maybe I will heal and find someone soon. The fact is I don't need someone right now and I was so afraid of being alone... now I am not afraid of being alone, in fact I like my peace and I like myself.

Fear:I will never forget our life together and how "happy" we were.

Reality: I don't know how I believed that that was happiness! I was happy because I worked hard to be happy inspite of him being abusive.

Fear: I will be depressed for the rest of my life.

Reality: I am not depressed anymore. I am not happy but I can watch movies again, I enjoy listening to music and singing... I don't wake up feeling like the world is over. And that darkness I carry around with me for almost a year is out of my life.

Fear: I am old and will not have many opportunities with men.

Reality: I haven't dated but I have had many young men asking me out throuhg my OLD profile.

Fear: I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Reality: I hate him and want to be as far as possible so I don't see him again. I want to live in a beautiful paradise and that's my new goal.

Fear: I will always be afraid of men and anxious in general.

Reality: I discovered that my anxiety was not only due to infidelity but also to the financial problems that came with it! But I am working hard in order to stay afloat again and I hope that will make me feel secure in the future again.

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 7:16 PM, May 20th (Friday)]

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7562121

kanlink ( member #52861) posted at 6:53 PM on Sunday, May 22nd, 2016

I really only have fears right now.

Fear: He doesn't love me anymore.

Fear: It's all my fault

Fear: I will never get to be a wife and mother.

Fear: Something will happen to my grandmother before I can get married again and have children.

Fear: No one will want me because I am sick.

Fear: I can't take care of myself.

Fear: I am worthless without having anyone who loves me.

Fear: I will never be in love again.

Fear: I will miss him forever.

Fear: He will never look back, I will be forgotten and I never meant anything. I won't be able to handle that rejection.

Fear: Our situation is exactly like the one with his ex, even though he said it wasn't.

Fear: I'll never get to do anything fun because I have no one to do it with.

Fear: I will make the same mistakes over and over.

posts: 490   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2016
id 7563102

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 10:34 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2016

Bumping for others to see. This thread is great!

posts: 5232   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 7564897

OnShakyGround ( member #52864) posted at 2:12 AM on Thursday, May 26th, 2016

The second fear? Was that wasband would end up with someone who treated my kids poorly or came between them and their father. That he would let the kids down again and again by continuing down a selfish path. That my kids would feel replaced by OW, or by step children or even new children (OW was significantly younger).

This is one of my BIGGEST fears. With my WH's trashy habits, and the scummy, trashy women he's obviously felt were good enough to hook up with, and throw his family away for. I am TERRIFIED of who he will end up with, who my children will have for a step-mother.

Because he will remarry. Mark my words. If I've learned anything, it's that a woman like me is a complete waste on a man like my WH. Why does HE get to have an intelligent, witty, attractive, educated, charming, responsible wife when in reality all he wants is whatever will let him stick his dick in her? There are so many trashy women that would LOVE a man that makes the money he makes, and will make him feel like a God (because to a complete idiot, he would seem like one), and screw him whenever he wants (and probably any other man, for that matter, but that's not my problem, nor do I care). I'm worried that one of his piece of trash whores is going to be my kids new stepmother.

Me: BS
Him: WH, 10 PA, 1 EA/PA, including PA with my sister
DDay 1: 8/2015
10 months of TT
Final DDay: 5/10/16, polygraph
Two DD, 4 and 11
I filed for D 6/16

The good thing about hitting Rock Bottom is there's nowhere to go but up.

posts: 156   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2016
id 7565976
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