Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 7:50 PM on Wednesday, February 25th, 2015

Fear: I will never smile again, will never be happy again.

Reality: I have been happy, I have smiled a lot! I feel loved by my dogs and love them so much that I feel sooo happy with them!

Fear: I will love him and miss him forever.

Reality: I am gaining perspective on who he really is and he is not the man I loved so much!

Fear: I will not be able to be by myself.

Reality: I have new friends, I discovered men are attracted to me in dating websites, I am starting to love being by myself at home meditating, reading, watching my favorite programs and huging my dogs, making new friends.

Fear: I am unattractive.

Reality: I am discovering how attractive I am If i want to.

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7130150
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cmego ( Member #30346) posted at 8:58 PM on Wednesday, February 25th, 2015

Since I posted the original time...I'll update again!

Fear: I'll never be in a healthy "relationship".

Reality: I've been in a healthy, communicative relationship for 6 months now. He is damn cute too.

Fear: I won't find work after being a SAHM for 10+ years.

Reality: I went for my Masters Degree, almost finished, and discussing several opportunities for me to possibly start working!

Fear: My kids are going to be messed up by all the crap.

Reality: While one is in therapy, they are both open, happy children and we talk about everything.

Fear: I wouldn't be able to be around my ex and his partner (ex had gay affairs).

Reality: I had them both over to my house for Christmas Day this year. Granted...I'm at the 4 year mark from S.

Fear: EX will remain a jerk.

Reality: Well....he has remained a jerk. A tiger doesn't change his stripes, but *I've* changed. When he is "on the attack", I might be a little affected, but it doesn't last long, like less than 24 hours and he is right back to being an annoying fly buzzing around.

I am a stronger and happier person because of what I went through.

me...BS, 46 years old.
Divorced

posts: 4745   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: South
id 7130222
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lilies21 ( Member #35833) posted at 3:53 PM on Monday, March 9th, 2015

Bumping for myself and others. I think I still have more fears without realities so I haven't posted here yet.

Me: BS, 30s.
One son.
Many D-Days for excessive porn, Craigslist ads, and EAs/PAs.
Happily divorced since September 2015.

posts: 3875   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2012
id 7143900
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gardenparty ( Member #12050) posted at 1:00 AM on Tuesday, March 10th, 2015

I still break into a cold sweat when I think about the first 6 months post D-day. I was so paralyzed by fear that I couldn't draw a deep breath, was unable to choke down food and laid in bed begging for the mind movies in my head to stop.

Fear : I cannot support myself and my children.

Reality : I retrained at 39, became a plumber/gasfitter and now work as a project manager. I put two girls through university and am now in the process of building my dream house.

Fear : I will never get over the shame of being divorced.

Reality : I got over that one really quick

Fear : No body will love me and I will die alone.

Reality : I have dated some quality men in the last 8 years and for the last 4 1/2 have been with a wonderful SO.

Fear : I wasted 20 years of my life.

Reality : I spent 20 years learning life lessons that have made me a more tolerant person.

Fear : I am old and ugly and don't know how to dress (pretty much a direct comment)

Reality : I am getting older, fine with that, and no longer give a shit if he likes the way I dress.

divorced!

posts: 3192   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2006   ·   location: newfoundland
id 7144596
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 1:02 AM on Saturday, March 21st, 2015

Bumping for newer D/S people. I know it's hard to believe, but things are going to turn out just fine.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7158114
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Lola2kids ( Member #32789) posted at 12:33 PM on Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

bump

BS: (Me) 48
Kids: twins DD(11)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved an ocean away June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

posts: 1813   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2011   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 7171478
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 2:33 AM on Wednesday, April 8th, 2015

Bump!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7178982
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superchump ( Member #47258) posted at 1:22 PM on Wednesday, April 8th, 2015

Great post.

Me: BS 40's
Him: WS 40's
2 sons
Dday: January 2015- ILYBNILWY speech
EA discovered February 2015
Divorce filed April 2015
Wants another chance.. proceeding cautiously

posts: 1088   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7179288
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 2:42 AM on Tuesday, May 5th, 2015

Bump

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7209710
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 7:14 AM on Tuesday, May 5th, 2015

Update

Fear: this pain will never go away!

Reality: every 3 months the pain lessens. still in the roller coaster but the first months were 100% pain all the time.

Fear: I will never be able to watch a tv program or movie.

Reality: I enjoy them again.

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 6:15 PM, May 10th (Sunday)]

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7209876
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 8:18 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2015

My new fears:

1.-I will never be in love again

2.-I will never forget our life together and how "happy" we were

3.-I will continue feeling like I don't want anything to do with the world (a hermit).

4.-I will become very old, fast and be alone

5.-I will always have to live alone and will never be comfortable in any new neighborhood.

6.-I will miss him for the rest of my life

7.-Currently I don't want anything from life (not new friends, not a new lover, not to go out) I fret I will always be like this.

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 2:38 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7218053
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Opinionsplease ( Member #47624) posted at 9:04 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2015

Thank you thank you thank you for this thread.

posts: 1112   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2015
id 7218104
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Purpleninja ( Member #46215) posted at 8:45 PM on Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015

I'm bumping for some of the newcomers & adding mine.

Fear: not being able to make all the bills on my own

Reality: yes I've had to cut back, but I can pay all the bills without cs or ex. I do NOT need him!

Fear: he's going to have whoreface around my kid.

Reality: I can't stop this but I can make it difficult with limitations in the MSA (morality clause, clause for others who have certain convictions)

Fear: that I'm unattractive & unlovable.

Reality: bahahahhaha. I'm finding a nice assortment of men who have expressed interest & I now know I am lovable, not just by the opposite sex, but also my family & friends.

Fear: that I'm not superwoman.

Reality: I am SUPERWOMAN! I work a full time job & am a great mom! Just ask my kid! & I'm doing it without Dumbass!

If your "soulmate" is a cheating, lying, dirtbag, what does that say about your own soul?
Me: BS 37
Him: Douchebag 39
DD grade school
Dday 8/14
Separated 10/14
Divorced 6/15/15!!!

posts: 121   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2015   ·   location: Texas
id 7240093
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 5:54 AM on Monday, June 15th, 2015

Bump

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7253039
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nowiknow23 ( Member #33226) posted at 9:23 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2015

Bump

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 7270547
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 10:48 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2015

Thanks NIK for bumping this!

I have many fears that I need to turn around ;-)

My main one being that I will be stuck in this M forever if I do not find the strength to leave.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 7270637
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BrokenheartedUK ( Member #43520) posted at 9:00 AM on Thursday, July 2nd, 2015

My main one being that I will be stuck in this M forever if I do not find the strength to leave.

You will be if you don't do something about it. Yes, it's scary but you really will be fine.

I was terrified to D.

Fear: I live in another country (my WS's country) and have no family here to support me.

Reality: Friends. I've learned that I can count of friends and I have many of them. Go me!

Fear: That I'll always love my WS and that I'll be devastated when he gets a partner.

Reality: I wish he would find someone soon and have that emotional support for himself. The longer I'm out of the M, the more I can see my H for the emotionally retarded person that he is.

Fear: I'll never have sex again.

Reality: Not. A. Problem. I've had two lovers since my M broke up and the sex has been fantastic. Like, really fantastic.

Fear: This will screw up my kids.

Reality: Staying in a bad marriage would have screwed up my kids. And, I'm no longer fighting a "two front war" which makes me a much better parent to focus on them.

Fear: I'll never be happy again.

Reality: I wasn't happy in the M for the past few years anyway.

Fear: I'll be lonely.

Reality: Nope. The marriage was a lonely one for me and being alone, has not been difficult at all. And I don't have to listen to bloody snoring anymore!

I was not ready to take this step last year. I was terrified. But, when I felt that I really had no other option, that staying in the M was simply untenable, I have felt truly liberated getting out of it.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3337   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 7271020
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mybrokenpain ( Member #46277) posted at 2:16 PM on Thursday, July 2nd, 2015

Love reading these they give me so much hope! I am still all fears but can not wait to post once they have been concord!!!!

DDay 8/26/14
DD-8
DD-3
Divorced 8/272015

posts: 341   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2015
id 7271151
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 2:11 AM on Tuesday, July 7th, 2015

Bump

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7275166
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 1:18 AM on Wednesday, July 8th, 2015

Fear: I will kill myself If I don't find a way out of this hell in one year.

Reality: I am a better person now, I have hope, I am stronger.

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7276286
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