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Newest Member: Taikor

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality


gypsybird87 ( member #39193) posted at 1:37 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

posts: 1857   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Oregon
id 6872259

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 2:08 AM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

Bumping -- see new posters and fear mentioned.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6888971

Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 2:26 AM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

Most of my fears have become my reality.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6888990

Allidoiswin ( member #44274) posted at 4:10 AM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

Love love love this post! Thank you OP!!!!

Me: 43 WH:47 3 kids "One foot in and one foot back. It don't pay to live like that. So I cut the ties and jumped the tracks, never to return again."

posts: 53   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2014   ·   location: Dirty South
id 6889116

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 10:49 PM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

Bumping for blindsided81

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6904005

Virginiagirl ( member #41656) posted at 10:22 PM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014

Bumping for Brentwood

Me- BS-43
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 11 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School.

posts: 197   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2013   ·   location: utah
id 6912494

Brentwood ( member #27465) posted at 11:46 PM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014

Thanks for the bump. I only read one page and it's touched on every fear. Great thread. Is there a way to bookmark it?

Happily divorced after seven years of false R and TT. I'm sixty, single, and spectacular!

posts: 417   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2010   ·   location: S. California
id 6912579

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 1:11 AM on Saturday, September 13th, 2014

It's been almost a month, so want to bump for the newbies.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6944346

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 12:45 PM on Thursday, September 18th, 2014

Have seen a few front-page posts about fear, so bumping again!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6950034

trying to smile ( member #9683) posted at 1:33 PM on Thursday, September 18th, 2014

Thank you so much for bumping this.

Good Women.
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.

"so when he finally showed his true colours they proved to be a startling shade of turd".

posts: 8212   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2006   ·   location: The Land Down Under
id 6950080

kg201 ( member #40173) posted at 5:42 PM on Thursday, September 18th, 2014

Haven't posted to this thread before.

Fears surrounding how my kids would do were probably on the top of my list, especially my adopted daughter, who already had a lot of prior family trauma.

We are still working through things, clearly since we are a year out, but the kids are doing probably better than I thought they would. They tend to be fairly quiet about things, so I have been on top of them asking questions fairly consistently, and helping them through feelings that do pop up.

Right now the main fear is that this crap that comes with the D process will never end. X's accusations and games are triggers, but much less than they used to be.

Another fear has been how I would deal with kid issues, considering my X's terminal illness. Her stubbornness and continued vilification of me may make the transition difficult to my taking the kids full time when she is no longer able to do it. That is still a fear...and not sure how that will resolve.

Me: BH, 40
Her: Ms. Daisy
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, living together
Dday: 7/28/13
Ds17, DS12, DD12
Divorced! 2/24/2015
Apology. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

posts: 1155   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2013
id 6950428

roseyposey ( member #44693) posted at 2:43 AM on Friday, September 19th, 2014

Thank you for this post. I can't remember who said it first, but I love the idea of posting my fears now and coming back to this post to update with the realities.

D-Day was a month ago today. I tried to nice him back and it didn't work. We are separating because it's what he wants. He is moving out next weekend. He says so we can work on ourselves before deciding if it's R or D. I recognize how crazy those sentences are. Everything is very civil right now, mostly because we're pretending until he leaves.

I learned that I am extremely co-dependent and had completely and totally absorbed his emotions as my own. I'm in IC and I'm already seeing improvements in myself just in this month. Reading through these pages has been wonderful for me because I believe I will have these realities too.

Fear: He will want to come home and I will get swept up in the moment and not hold the new healthy boundaries I'm building. Related fear: we R and it happens again.

Fear: He will not want to come home and I will have to experience being discarded for a second time.

Fear: he will move on and find happiness without me before I find it without him.

Fear: I will not find my emotions and won't be a loving mother OR I will transfer my codependence to them.

Fear: He will not hold up his end of the temporary financial arrangement we have agreed to. I can pay every single bill without a dime from him but I don't want to and shouldn't have to. I make 2/3 of our household income and we live a comfortable life. If I have to pay everything, I will have to live paycheck to paycheck until I can make longer term changes to reduce my expenses.

Fear: I will be alone forever and no one else will ever want me again.

Fear: Being judged by my friends if I chose to R. I haven't told anyone except my mom and sisters. I even have a close friend who has been through this (she kicked him out immediately and divorced) and I am too ashamed to tell her for fear we will R and she will judge me.

Fear: My IC suggested I make a list of what I want. I fear won't be able to accomplish the things on my list.

Fear: He will find this board and read my posts

Me - loving my new life
D final 6/11/2015

posts: 281   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2014
id 6951041

almostgone2001 ( member #38517) posted at 6:19 AM on Friday, September 19th, 2014

Thanks, this is really a great post!

Me: BS
DD: 7/7/11

posts: 76   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2013   ·   location: CA
id 6951218

sadone29 ( member #38597) posted at 3:08 PM on Friday, September 19th, 2014


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."
He finally moved out only because I became on obstacle in his new affair.

posts: 1002   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2013
id 6951468

h0peless ( member #36697) posted at 3:50 PM on Friday, September 19th, 2014

Fear: I'd never get to talk to her again.

Reality: I never have to talk to her again!!!!

Fear: I'd be destitute and homeless.

Reality: I struggle a little financially, but I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

Fear: I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

Reality: I've come to enjoy the freedom and solitude.

Fear: She'd run off with her New Dad and live happily ever after with her soulmate.

Reality: I have no idea what's going on in her life now and it's really inconsequential.

Fear: I won't get to be a Dad.

Reality: I still might not get to be a Dad, but I get to be an uncle.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:40 AM, September 19th (Friday)]

posts: 3136   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: Baja Arizona
id 6951543

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 3:31 AM on Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

It's been a few weeks, so I'm bumping again.

I'm so glad I had posted some of my fears. It's honestly hard now for me to remember why I wanted to stay with him.

Life gets so much better!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6969694

nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 7:20 PM on Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

Bumping for sri.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6970374

ButterflyGirl ( member #38377) posted at 8:19 PM on Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

I thought about bumping this for lillies this morning..

Fear, 2 months out: He doesn't love me anymore.

Reality, 2 years later: Well shit, that was really unfair he got to detach sooner than I did. What an asshole. But, finally I don't love him anymore! There are SOOO many people on this planet I would rather spend my time with than THAT piece of shit.. People who DESERVE my time, like my family and friends, and guys who treat me with RESPECT.

xBW~ 40
Two DS~ 15 and 11

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2013   ·   location: Flat Earth
id 6970445

My_Name_Is_Alice ( member #34646) posted at 9:53 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2014

I'm posting here to bump this up for myself. I just talked to a lawyer today on the phone, so I'm baby steps into this process, and already I can feel the panic attacks lurking just beneath the surface. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back at this one day and post that my reality wasn't anywhere near as bad as my fears. Hopefully.

Why I’m afraid to get a divorce:

1. I will be alone forever.

2. Once I'm alone, I'll want to do things, but not by myself, and finding someone else to do them with will seem like a big hassle, so I'll just end up watching Netflix and eating junk food every night.

3. I'll base my whole life around my son, then not be able to let go when he grows up and moves away. (Both my mother and grandmother did this, so this is a HUGE fear.)

4. Since WH does pretty much all of the housework and I’m a really shitty homemaker, the house will end up a permanent pigsty.

5. Since WH keeps track of all the finances right now, I won’t do it well and will screw myself up royally when right now I’m in really good shape.

6. I won’t be able to keep my habit of self-medication through spending money in check and will screw up my finances even more.

Me: BW (42)
Him: WH (42) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 8 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

posts: 122   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2012   ·   location: Pittsburgh, PA
id 6980918

CharachterReveal ( member #43477) posted at 7:08 PM on Monday, October 27th, 2014


posts: 220   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2014
id 6990543
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