Me: 43 WH:47 3 kids "One foot in and one foot back. It don't pay to live like that. So I cut the ties and jumped the tracks, never to return again."
He didn’t even reply….
You said you would love me until we were ashes.
Today should be our 22nd wedding anniversary. Tomorrow I turn 44. I’ve been married to you for exactly half of my life.
Unbeknownst to me, for the last year you made a choice to give your time, energy and our money to a married Mom of four on food stamps instead of your beautiful wife and boys. You traded in that time with her for time you could have spent with your sons. Having a year long affair is a staggering amount of work that entails thousands of selfish decisions that you absolutely chose to make. You gave her time you could have spent with your mother at the holidays. Time you could have created income for your family. You traded me in for her. Traded our sons in for her. You traded in our entire life for the most insignificant person I’ve ever met.
Infidelity is the theft of security, reality and peace. What WAS real? I only know that I was real. My feelings and love for you were real. I know now that I was the only person I could ever control. I couldn’t have ever saved our marriage by myself.
I do want to know the exact moment you knew you ruined your entire fucking life. When was it exactly? Was it when I found you both naked in the hotel room? Was it when your son made you pack your shit and leave our house that day? When I got the attorney? When I saw the texts about you two trying to decide "what to do" about me? When you realized you traded in your successful wife for a pathetic woman who chased a married man around for a year and also stalked his wife?
For me it was when our baby boy told me he saw your texts to her. When our 18 year old told me he lost 11 pounds the week after he met you at our front door and made you pack. Because my first thought has always been them and never myself or you. I guess that’s your whole problem with me. I focused on our children and our home and making sure everyone was taken care of. You focused on you.
There will never be an answer for why. None that would make sense or ever satisfy me. What I realize now is that when I look back at our life, I see you were existing in two separate worlds.
"Try being open to the prince and the princess, the king and the queen, the giant and the witch, the wild man and the wild woman, the dwarf and the crone, and the warrior, the healer, and the trickster within yourself. When you meditate, put the welcome mat out for all of them. Try sitting like a king or queen, or a warrior, or a sage. In times of great turmoil or darkness, use your breath as the string which will guide you through the labyrinth. Keep mindfulness alive even in the darkest moments, reminding yourself that the awareness is not part of the darkness or the pain; it holds the pain, and knows it, so it has to be more fundamental, and closer to what is healthy and strong and golden within you. "- Jon Kabat-Zinn from Wherever You Go There You Are
6 comments posted: Friday, March 18th, 2022
Ahh, the excuses!
"I’ve learned a lot about appreciation from her over the last year"
"She was helping me plan your valentines dinner"
"I thought you needed a new friend to help you around the house"
"She seemed so nice and helpful"
"She was helping us communicate"
"I never persued her, she invited herself over"
"I was hoping we would be a throuple"
"She’s a unicorn, she helps couples. In Europe it’s called a sexual surrogate"
"Affairs are super common"
"You needed new friends"
"She was skinny and had big boobs"
"I may have test driven the car out before I brought it back to the garage"
"I’m not sure who I bought the bracelets for at first"
"I thought I’d fuck you both in the hot tub"
"I screwed up the best situation I ever had"
"Do you have any idea what I’ve done to myself?"
"I didn’t need intimacy from you, I needed everything else"
"She was really thoughtful, we mostly talked about you"
"She asked me if you gaining a few pounds was an issue for me"
"She was helping me pick out your holiday gifts"
"I thought we would all go on vacation together"
"She made it all about me"
26 comments posted: Thursday, March 10th, 2022