Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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hurtyetstrong ( Member #38372) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, April 8th, 2014

thanks phmh, needed this!

Me: BW (31)
Him: WH (32)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 2yrs (as of Oct 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014
1st court hearing October 23, 2014 (rescheduled :/)
divorce final November 20, 2014

posts: 157   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2013
id 6752099
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deena ( Member #27275) posted at 7:26 PM on Tuesday, April 8th, 2014

Thank you for this post.

I just read all 5 pages.

I am finally starting the separation.

It is good to see so many of my fears that others also have and to read their reality.

I already do so many of the things others fear.

I was also a SAHM. But for all of those years while the kids were little and in school I volunteered in the schools.

Now I am working casual (busy casual) as a teachers asst with special needs kids.

I have just finally told a friend I am separating. (She is married to a lawyer who gave me some names of good lawyers). I have known her since grade 1 and she is still a very good friend. She is so supportive....I just felt too embarrassed to tell any one.

I am also preparing to tell my kids about the separation AND now, after getting a good lesson from many here on SI on a post of mine, I am getting ready to tell them about the affair. I thought I was doing the good parent thing by keeping it from them. The youngest is 17 .

Thanks again for this post phmh!

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.



posts: 3268   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Canada
id 6752569
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nowiknow23 ( Member #33226) posted at 6:59 PM on Thursday, April 24th, 2014

Bump

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6771924
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Klove ( Member #42096) posted at 7:03 PM on Thursday, April 24th, 2014

Thanks NIK.

"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

posts: 294   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014
id 6771931
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MadeOfScars ( Member #42231) posted at 7:13 PM on Thursday, April 24th, 2014

Thanks for the bump! So glad to have found this post.

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” - Steve Maraboli

posts: 3217   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Texas
id 6771953
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nowiknow23 ( Member #33226) posted at 7:46 PM on Thursday, April 24th, 2014

I realized after I bumped this that I never posted to it before. Oops.

My biggest baddest fear was that my children's lives would be destroyed. That they would be irrevocably damaged by the separation, the divorce, having to leave the house they'd grown up in...

The second fear? Was that wasband would end up with someone who treated my kids poorly or came between them and their father. That he would let the kids down again and again by continuing down a selfish path. That my kids would feel replaced by OW, or by step children or even new children (OW was significantly younger).

The reality, the clear unvarnished truth? My kids WERE affected. Of course they were. They struggled, they grieved, they vented, but most importantly, they healed.

They opened up with me and trusted friends and family. They worked with counselors. They made mistakes, they learned hard lessons, and they healed more.

They are stronger, smarter, and more emotionally healthy than I could have hoped for. They continue to work on building healthier relationships with their father, and they have chosen to discontinue some relationships with his family that were not healthy or supportive. Big steps, especially for teenagers.

Wasband is remarried. His new wife (who was NOT an OW) is a strong, intelligent, loving and supportive woman who not only ADORES my kids, she GETS THEM. She speaks to them of how lucky they are to have such a remarkable mother. Seriously. And her family is huge, supportive, and wonderful to my kids. They suddenly have tons of new aunts, uncles, and cousins who are great people.

Adding to that, Wasband is a better father than he has ever been, and I think a LOT of that is down to Mrs. Wasband. I feel like my kids have won the lottery with this family addition. They tell me "new wife's family is ALMOST as cool as yours, Mom. ALMOST." And it fills me with such joy and relief to know that they have so many people in their lives who love them. I could never have imagined in my darkest fear filled moments that this is where we would be two years out.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6772024
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mytwosonsdc ( New Member #43065) posted at 8:47 PM on Thursday, April 24th, 2014

I find it interesting that no one (unless I missed it) had mentioned one of my fears - that I am making a mistake by divorcing. Maybe I should work harder on the marriage first? Maybe I will regret leaving him?

posts: 1   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2014   ·   location: Washington DC
id 6772116
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justinpaintoday ( Member #42858) posted at 9:28 PM on Thursday, April 24th, 2014

Wow that felt good to read. Very inspiring

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

posts: 700   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2014
id 6772202
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Klove ( Member #42096) posted at 11:15 PM on Thursday, April 24th, 2014

I could never have imagined in my darkest fear filled moments that this is where we would be two years out

When I read this I am filled to the brim with hope.

@My2sonsdc - I think many people on this forum, like me, worked tooth and nail to try and save their marriage and when they finally got to D there was no other place to go. In fact, I think most of us would say we didn't fear it as a mistake- we wished we had done it sooner.

JMO.

"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

posts: 294   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014
id 6772362
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 12:49 AM on Sunday, April 27th, 2014

I find it interesting that no one (unless I missed it) had mentioned one of my fears - that I am making a mistake by divorcing. Maybe I should work harder on the marriage first? Maybe I will regret leaving him?

I remember several posts in D/S and NB where the regret question was asked and no one responded affirmatively.

I know that I did worry about that initially -- my XWH wanted to R, so it was my decision about what path I wanted to go down. I chose D after much deliberation. People in my family do not get divorced, and I didn't want to be embarrassed as a chump who paid for her cheater to become a doctor and then abandoned. I *almost* stayed.

But my life is so amazing now, it's almost surreal. The only time I think about my ex is when I think about how great my life is now compared to how it would have been. There are so many good, honest people in the world, and when you excise the loser cheaters from your life, you make room for them. I would have continued to exist in what I thought was happiness had he not cheated, but his cheating allowed me to look and my life and reexamine what I wanted.

Deciding to divorce was the hardest decision I ever made. I am so happy that my parents raised me in such a way as to have enough self-respect to do so.

I thought I was so happy in my marriage and so luck to have a great guy. But I am so much happier now, I can't believe it. Strangers approach me on the street to comment on how beautiful I am or on my smile.

I have an amazing BF who treats me better than my XWH ever did. And even if things don't work out with him, I know I'll be OK.

My main message is that you shouldn't make decisions out of fear. There is so much more to life!!! Think of your future self and make decisions accordingly!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6775210
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nowiknow23 ( Member #33226) posted at 11:37 PM on Wednesday, April 30th, 2014

bumping

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6780738
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IWantDoOver ( Member #39440) posted at 7:15 PM on Monday, May 12th, 2014

bumping for starmoonchild

Peace

posts: 221   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2013
id 6795820
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southsidecali ( Member #22752) posted at 9:04 PM on Monday, May 12th, 2014

saving to add later, loving all these

posts: 989   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2009   ·   location: CA
id 6795997
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norabird ( Member #42092) posted at 8:36 PM on Tuesday, May 20th, 2014

bump

Sit. Feast on your life.

posts: 4324   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 6806781
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kg201 ( Member #40173) posted at 8:46 PM on Tuesday, May 20th, 2014

I appreciate NIK's post from the other week. Wish my X's OM's family was that way. I don't think she is introducing the kids to them yet, but one day. OM's ex-wife is telling me they are a piece of work, so not much to look forward to.

Me: BH, 40
Her: Ms. Daisy
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, living together
Dday: 7/28/13
Ds17, DS12, DD12
Divorced! 2/24/2015
Apology. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

posts: 1155   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2013
id 6806794
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, June 11th, 2014

Bumping for new people in D/S or for those contemplating such.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6831719
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 10:03 PM on Friday, June 27th, 2014

Seeing new faces in D/S again, so bumping.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6852071
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meleanoro ( Member #6210) posted at 8:44 AM on Monday, July 7th, 2014

Bump, and...

My biggest fear is my H royally screwing me in a D. (Mainly financially but also stalling, dragging, lawsuit threats,etc). :/

Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2005
id 6862859
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Acer0112 ( Member #43241) posted at 1:59 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014

Thanks for this thread, I'm not far enough out to realize my realities yet, but this made me truly think what my biggest fears are, and a lot of what has been said gives me hope.

Fear: that I will not be able to find a good paying job with benefits, and if I do, how to balance a full time job and the kids schedules to not cause too much hardship on their "normal", I'm a SAHM with part time job on and off.

Fear: how this impacts my kids emotionally and long term. They were blindsided with the end as I was, we were a great family unit with no signs of unhappiness, low point yes, but not the end. They are 11 and 13, teen years will be tough.

Fear: that I will not find myself and will not be interesting and fun for the kids and myself. I lost myself along the way and WH was the fun adventurous planner, what if my kids want to be with him more, he has the big family, the cousins on his side, the adventures?

Fear: that I will not be able to love again like I loved WH. And to feel wanted and loved back.

Reality: I am finally realizing I loved my life as I thought unconditional love included the low point we were in, but I now see I wasn't treated like a truly loved wife for a long time, which made me an unloving person back. we turned toxic for each other with bad communication. Both felt depressed. I deserve to be treated better, to build self esteem, to not feel unloved, unappreciated, crushed.

Fear: that he is right, that we couldn't fix our marriage, and him giving up proves to him the OW and divorce is the best thing he ever did. Rubs it in that I have issues. We all do, but I wonder if I have real personality issues no one else will accept.

Reality: It is hard to admit, I wanted to fight to the end to make our marriage better, and I don't want to admit yet that we were not right. I think it was fixable if OW didn't happen. With A, he is right, we can't fix our marriage now and I know I will realize that I can be happier in time. But I still hate to admit it was him that ended it and in his mind for valid reasons.

D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids in middle school
Divorced 10/2014

posts: 203   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2014
id 6862964
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meleanoro ( Member #6210) posted at 3:48 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014

But I still hate to admit it was him that ended it and in his mind for valid reasons.

This is so hard...when our SOs cannot see their own irrationality.

I haven't fully figured out why this is an issue for me. Why does what he thinks still matter?

I suspect it comes down to me not feeling like enough. Not important enough, not worth enough to fight for. And that really stings.

Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2005
id 6863079
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