Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

default

BrokenDaisy ( Member #37063) posted at 12:01 PM on Monday, January 20th, 2014

I can relate to so many of the fears and realities in here! I wanted to add one that hasn't been posted yet: Dealing with illness as a single parent.

Fear: with no help whatsoever (I moved far away to a place where I know basically no one to help me out) there is no way I will be able to take care of my son if he falls Ill or if I do.

Reality: soon after I moved my son got an awful stomach bug. As in truly horrible. He was puking for days and although it obviously wasn't fun, I managed to take care of everything by myself. All the cleaning (toddlers don't understand using a bucket or toilet yet....), the doctor visits, the care taking, the medicine giving, the staying up to monitor fever and heartbeat, the worrying, the loving, the hugs, keeping fluids in him (luckily still breastfed!) you name it. I had almost no sleep but I did it. And I dis it well. Finally he was getting better and being his happy self. I remember feeling so happy for conquering this huge fear. He was barely back on his feet when I inevitably got sick. Boy was it an awful bug!! Again no help so inbetween camping out at the toilet I still managed to clean, prepare meals, look after him. I didn't do it all perfectly and I was crying a lot! (I hate being sick) but we made it through it. Both of us. Stronger and closer for the experience. I felt strength because something I thought I'd never ever be able to juggle on my own - I did! We are capable of so much more than we believe.

Me xBW, him SA NPD WxH
1 son: sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
No longer broken
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

posts: 337   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2012
id 6647531
default

griefandrelief ( Member #42210) posted at 8:06 PM on Monday, January 27th, 2014

Great reading for those of us new to the idea of D. What's the worst that can happen? (If only I can remember that when I'm fearful!)

Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2014   ·   location: kansas
id 6658643
default

griefandrelief ( Member #42210) posted at 8:06 PM on Monday, January 27th, 2014

Great reading for those of us new to the idea of D. What's the worst that can happen? (If only I can remember that when I'm fearful!)

Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2014   ·   location: kansas
id 6658644
default

Gottagetthrough ( Member #27325) posted at 12:55 AM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

And THAT is how its done!

Good for you, P! So happy for you

posts: 3572   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 6659123
default

candle1000 ( New Member #42234) posted at 1:01 AM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

I absolutely love this thread. I have read it from beginning to end a few times, it inspires me so much and provides hope in my dark moments.

My fear is never trusting again.

Never feeling that "in love" feeling again

Never truly feeling happy again

I fear this pain will last forever

I fear I will love him this much forever

I fear I will never love this deep again

I fear we will never reach a place where we can be civil and communicate (all by cold text at the moment with me initiating about practical things).

I fear I will be on my own forever!

I fear I could be right, my life is over and is just and existence .

ME - BW 42
HIM - WS 44
OW - Cripple Whore that he flirted with in front of our daughter!
25 years together, married 18
Rug pulled from underneath me April 2013

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 6659129
default

griefandrelief ( Member #42210) posted at 6:00 AM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

I actually used this to guide the first real conversation I had with my DD15 tonight. Making her say her fear helped to minimize it and its significance. It really helped.

Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2014   ·   location: kansas
id 6659497
default

myowndystopia ( Member #41340) posted at 7:57 AM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Just starting on the D process so I will just add my fears!

Fear- because I have not been the bill payer in the house- I fear that I will forget to pay something and I will be sitting in the dark with no water and no heat

Fear- when my daughter does visit her dad (ok so right now he is just across the hall but that will change) will he remind her to take her meds, get her up on time, keep her off FaceTime all night and buy her feminine products when needed

Fear - will I ever be able to retire? I had planned on retiring last school year but felt trouble a brewing.....

Fear- I will become a couch potato!

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele

posts: 408   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2013
id 6659550
default

 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 6:17 PM on Sunday, February 9th, 2014

Bumping for new people in D/S.

Don't let fear stop you from making the best decision for you!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6677802
default

 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 11:16 PM on Sunday, March 2nd, 2014

New faces and more discussion on fears = BUMP!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6707431
default

IrishLass518 ( Member #34373) posted at 11:42 PM on Sunday, March 2nd, 2014

Okay here are more Fear/Reality that I wasn't able to share before:

Fear: That I would never be able to recover from the D.

Reality: Time moves forward and so do we. I not only recovered I continue to develop me.

Fear: That I would never stop loving him.

Reality: I finally accepted that I will love who he used to be and the time that we had together. He has made it very easy to not even like him anymore so not loving him? He made that easy on me.

Fear: That I would not be financially sound after D.

Reality: I am more financially sound than I thought I could be. I am not rich by any means but my bills are paid and my son is provided for. I also bought a new car.

Fear: I would not be able to be Father and Mother to a young boy.

Reality: These days it is pretty easy. There are boy scouts and we are helping to demo and renovate my sister's house. I like to camp, hunt, fish and shoot so he gets to do that with me and me with him . We both like to ride quads so I hope to buy a couple when we buy a house on property. We have also signed up to take home improvement classes for free at the Home Depot.

Fear: That my life was over along with my marriage. (In fact, I kinda vowed that it would be )

Reality: I had no clue but MY life was just beginning. I am far happier now than I ever thought possible.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: WA
id 6707456
default

Jennifer99 ( Member #39551) posted at 2:39 AM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

Just read page one after the worst day ever.

Totally feel better!

I'm saving 2,3,4 for another day.

Maybe I'll have some to add some day.

I have lots of fears, no new realities yet.

I think this is now my all time fave post on SI.

How much of where we stay stuck is fear?

posts: 557   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2013
id 6707605
default

IWantDoOver ( Member #39440) posted at 5:55 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

bump

Peace

posts: 221   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2013
id 6708401
default

hitbyatruck ( Member #23769) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

how did I miss this? Awesome post!

Married 1998. 2 kids. First discovery 3/2009. Multiple affairs, porn addiction. one failed attempt at R. Nested for over a year. Divorce final 8/2015. XH is now married. I am engaged!

posts: 3329   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2009
id 6709185
default

Jennifer99 ( Member #39551) posted at 3:40 PM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

Just read page 2.

Big message from that page that I see as true already - I thought I was alone. I'm not. It is amazing how many people are checking on me, "happy to see me smiling and glowing", more friendly and open now.

WITH H I was isolated and didn't even know it.

Now it is he who is isolated to living in his online fantasy woman world.

posts: 557   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2013
id 6709697
default

myowndystopia ( Member #41340) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

Thanks for bumping! I was able to do a one month check up on myself! I had only posted fears because I had just filed for D 4 days prior to posting. But today- I will add one reality!

Fear- I will become a couch potato!

Reality- I have reconnected with so many friends and some that were just acquaintances are now friends! I stay busy! I've also joined 2 meet-ups (all innocent! One for single women over 50 and one a gluten free dining club- I'm celiac). Haven't been to actual meet ups yet but one day I will!! So far- no couch potatoes here!!

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele

posts: 408   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2013
id 6709721
default

Take2 ( Member #23890) posted at 2:56 AM on Saturday, March 8th, 2014

bump

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

posts: 4432   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2009   ·   location: New England
id 6715170
default

 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 12:47 AM on Thursday, March 20th, 2014

New faces = bump.

I know it's so, so scary. But things get so much better!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6729210
default

 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 1:06 AM on Friday, April 4th, 2014

More new faces, including people posting about fear, so I'm bumping up again.

I never thought I would say this when I was going through the thick of things, but I can hardly even remember what my fears were anymore. In fact, it's almost getting hard to remember my 11 year marriage (and at the time, I thought I was so lucky to be married to such a great guy!)

All of my relationships (with friends, family, coworkers, myself) have gotten stronger. I am so much happier, I almost can't believe it. Life is amazing. I was so fearful, but leaving turned out to be the best thing I could have done.

I know you guys are scared of the unknown -- humans have evolved to have that fear. Even animals, once removed from an abusive situation, will mourn the life they had (I volunteer in animal rescue, and it breaks my heart to see these poor animals mourn their abusive former owners.)

You need to go through the pain. But, there is an amazing new life out there for you!!! Don't let fear stop you from a fabulous future!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6747027
default

 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 1:11 AM on Tuesday, April 8th, 2014

Bumping up for hurtyetstrong.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6751619
default

ChinaCat ( Member #42797) posted at 3:51 AM on Tuesday, April 8th, 2014

I printed this whole topic out and am keeping it with me everywhere!

Thank you SO SO much for sharing this!

"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

posts: 80   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 6751788
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy