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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality


overcoming2003 ( member #30862) posted at 2:46 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2013

Wow, this is an encouraging post. Thank you PHMH.

posts: 318   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2011
id 6401367

realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 12:51 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2013

Such a great post! So true that your fears of the unknown, of change and of your own self worth are what hold many BS's back.

And SO true that if you have a WS who was spending money all the time you will actually SAVE money once you drop their selfish a**.

Because a BS is generally the doer and fixer and manager of the household you will actually do GREAT on your own! You just don't realize that you HAVE been doing it all alone for a long time.

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

posts: 6939   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2005   ·   location: florida
id 6401672

torn2bits ( member #28376) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2013

Realitybites, what you said hit home. One of my fears what that I did not know if once we were separated, what pieces I could actually do on my own.

Reality: I was managing the household before and am doing it now just fine.

Fear: Noone would ever be interested in me and I would never date.

Reality: Lots of looks, dates, etc.

Fear:I would never be able to marry again.

Reality: I have seen from SI that if I want to, I could remarry and be happy

Fear: I wouldn't be strong enough to move out and leave him.

Reality: I have been out of the house almost 2 years now.

Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted

posts: 1282   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6402127

gypsybird87 ( member #39193) posted at 6:57 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2013

I love this! I'm still working through things, but overall the reality has not been as bad as I feared.

Fear: How will I be able to afford living in this big house by myself?

Reality: Silly me, I realized I had already been doing this since November, when he stopped contributing ANY money to the household. And since I'm not longer paying for his car pymt, gas, and personal (private!) credit cards, I have more money than I ever did before.

Fear: How will I handle repairs and projects around here without his help?

Reality: I've surprised and impressed myself with the things I've been able to handle on my own. Some of the things I perceived as difficult, like maintaining the hot tub, have turned out to be super easy. Why could he never seem to manage it??

Fear: My life will be so empty and lonely. How will I fill up my days?

Reality: The sad truth is I spent the last 9 mos or so of our marriage sitting at home alone waiting for him to come home, and pleading with him to spend time with me. Now that he's gone, I'm very busy! Out with friends, taking dance classes, seeing movies. Life is full to the brim and the days are flying by.

Fear: I have no family nearby. What if my car breaks down or I'm stranded somewhere? Who am I going to call??

Reality: For about $10 per year I added 24hour roadside assistance to my auto insurance policy.

Fear: As mentioned above, I have no family nearby. The holidays will be here before you know it, and I'll be all alone!!

Reality: My step-daughter has already invited me to both Thanksgiving and Christmas at her house. She does not want to deal with OW, so she and XWH are not being invited. Now, granted the holidays are months away... XWH may crash her plans or guilt her into changing them. But for now, it feels really good to be thought of and included.

Fear: I'm so isolated here! I don't know any of my neighbors. They have always excluded us from their frequent gatherings.

Reality: The very day XWH moved out, my next door neighbor came over to see if I was okay. This is a woman I've lived next to for 8 years and exchanged maybe half a dozen sentences. She said, "I know what you're going through is hard. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but you're too nice for him." I was FLOORED. All the neighbors hated him! Now they've adopted me... helping with projects, lending tools etc, including me in BBQ's and get-togethers. This was totally unexpected and has completely changed how I feel about living here.

It's true you never really know how strong you are until you have no other choice but to BE strong.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 1:03 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

posts: 1857   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Oregon
id 6402162

tesla ( member #34697) posted at 10:45 PM on Sunday, July 14th, 2013


because it's a damn good read.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

posts: 5066   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012
id 6407854

BrokenDaisy ( member #37063) posted at 9:26 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

Thank you for this! Just what I needed. I am both extremely excited for in-house separation to end soon and paralized by fears (can I be a single mom, money, how do I do it all alone, been a SAHM how go back to work? etc etc)

I sincerely hope my reality will be nothing like my fears too. At least I know and believe by now it's not good to stay with stbxwh but yet I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I know I can't stay (and dont want to) but I am so scared of what is to come and whether I'd be able to cope. I'm scared of failing my son, I really am!

So thanks. Thanks so much for this!!

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 3:29 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

Me xBW, him SA NPD WxH
1 son: sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
No longer broken
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

posts: 337   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2012
id 6408878

ShatteredGlass ( new member #15977) posted at 2:53 AM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

thanks for this post; it's given me things to consider when dealing with my fears

ME (BS) 43
HIM (WS) 47
Married 23 years
DDay 7/07 (19 month PA with co worker, who knows when EA started)
In R....

posts: 47   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2007
id 6410361

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 12:58 AM on Saturday, July 27th, 2013

Bumping up :)

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6423280

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 12:00 AM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

Been a while and have seen some new faces in D/S, so thought I should bump this.

You guys are all going to be OK!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6448773

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 12:49 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013

Yet again, bumping up since there are so many new people.

Reality continues to get better and better. If you'd told me two years ago what my life would be like, I never would have believed you.

Hang in there, guys. Don't let fear stop you from making the right decision for your happiness and self-respect!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6485184

tryingagain74 ( member #33698) posted at 3:03 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013

I want to add a couple of new ones:

Fear: The AP is wonderful. She's better than I am in every way, and she's going to move into my town, turn everyone against me, and make my life miserable.

Reality: The only power she has over me is what I give her permission to have. Since I refuse to let her have any power over me, I can see her for what she is: a sad, mousy, pathetic little thing who is trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mumsie, and she has no idea what kind of man she's shackled herself to. Don't let the AP have any power over you, and don't ever waste any of your precious time worrying that she's someone better than you (or he, for the guys). The APs are involved with the disordered people that we left behind, and I think that just about says everything we need to know about them.

Fear: The kids will love the AP, want to spend more time with her, will hate returning to me, etc.

Reality: Here's an example that shows how wrong I was about this. My kids had their first weekday overnight at XWH's house during the school year this week. They went to his house on the afternoon bus, and I didn't see them again until the next day. When the afternoon bus pulled up to the bus stop in my neighborhood, my kids SCREAMED with excitement over seeing me there. They practically knocked me over with hugs and all started babbling frantically at once about whatever news they had to share. DD also said that was very sad at school before she returned to me because she missed me so much, and her kindergarten teacher was kind enough to let her hold her stuffed animal in class (they're usually only allowed to at rest time) to comfort her. My kids LOVE me. The AP is someone they think is nice, but she's not even in the picture when it comes to their REAL mom. The APs will NEVER replace us as parents.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:04 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

posts: 4079   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2011
id 6485310

blindsided03 ( member #40302) posted at 3:43 AM on Monday, September 16th, 2013

I loved reading this post. I was pretty new the to the M thing and I paid for EVERYTHING, so I had different fears. I was afraid I would be lonely (and I sometimes am, but I learned not to be co-dependent on a douche who was never emotionally available). I thought I wouldn't be able to find decent guys (it's pretty easy, but I decided to hold off. One ex loves me and "will wait for me," but I think i want a new somebody eventually). I was afraid to get divorced because no one else could live up to the man XH was (reality: well, my IDEA of him was a great man, but he was a douche. it's a lot clearer now that he's gone). I was scared to not have friends since he'd alienated me from the world (my friends all took me back, just wanted to know "where did you go? you disappeared." It wasn't a big deal. they've been busy with their own lives). I love being free. I miss having someone to share my day with, but it's worth not being with him and feeling bad. I used to cry a lot because I felt so lonely next to him. Now, I'm lonely, but I dont cry about it. I'm alone. Big deal. I'm in school (two schools--my masters and getting my MD), I'm working, and I take my dog on long walks. I like being alone. I could go out, but I'm not ready to socialize yet. I have my online social life for now and it's enough. I love you guys at SI and I have my FB buddies. Nothing major, no bar-hopping mania, but it's enough to have people say, "how was your day?" stbxh never did that anyhow.

it's not about being afraid of change. humans are adaptable. that's how our species survives. it's learning to appreciate new things and getting used to change. we're good at that, on the whole, so just be patient. life gets better.

D12/12...he's a borderline

posts: 62   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013   ·   location: Hell
id 6488338

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 10:20 PM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

Bumping again, as I said in General I would for FWL.

I've thought of another fear/reality.

Fear -- XWH was the only person I'd had sex with. How could I do that with anyone else? It would be so weird!

Reality -- Selfish people (cheaters) make selfish lovers. Had I stayed with XWH, I never would have known good sex!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6503403

HurtsButImOK ( member #38865) posted at 10:36 PM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

standing ovation for phmh's contribution!

Sex can be fun and enjoyable - just not with X. It was one of my fears after sooooo many years.

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

posts: 759   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 6503432

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 2:16 AM on Monday, October 7th, 2013

Bumping up for some new members in D/S. Sorry there was ever a need for you to have to sign up for this forum, but life gets so much better!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6513343

ninebark ( member #24534) posted at 3:27 PM on Monday, October 7th, 2013

I have to say I was terrified of my life changing at all. I didn't want to have to move, I didn't want to have to share my son and miss a day of his life. Change was such a horrible thing and it scared me. I wasn't even thinking in specific terms at the time, just I didn't want my life to be different at all. I just wanted to rewind the moment where I saw those damning pictures, I wanted it to never have happened.

Reality - It took some time to bulid back my self esteem, but once I did I realized I was hurting myself by pretending that things would be fine again. That my life was what I wanted. Now I am alone and happy as all get out. I was able to keep my home, I have my DS 98% of the time and I am not lonely at all. I have met a great man who treats me like a queen.

It gets better. Sometimes fear can be paralysing but when you are able to move past that, wonderful things can happen.

[This message edited by ninebark at 9:27 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 6513797

pregnantandsad ( member #40141) posted at 6:52 PM on Monday, October 7th, 2013

I am so happy someone bumped this and I was able to read it. D day was 3 months ago and today is our anniversary. We are living apart and will be filing for D soon, today the fear is all hitting me. I am mainly afraid of being lonely, my kids liking OW and very afraid of dating! This has been great for me to read today, thank you.

M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD5 & DD 1 1/2
D-Day 7/2013 - Divorced!

posts: 160   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2013   ·   location: California
id 6514120

20Hopeful16 ( member #40487) posted at 2:54 AM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013

Thank you so much for this post and for keeping it bumped. Its so inspiring to read. I needed something like this today.

Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

posts: 107   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2013
id 6514704

Gajit ( member #40665) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013

My stbxh is an asswipe. He doesn't understand basic grammar, I have always helped with this in every way. He has always had his sister or mom do his taxes until we got married.

Now during our Divorce, he is having his POSMOW reading our legal papers and giving him advice. I am so waiting for my lawyer appt next Monday. That is my day. FTG.

We have been married for over 20 years and you bet I will get what I need from him. Especially since my health is not good! FTG!

Let his POSMOW figure out his shit or go run back to mommy or your pathetic sister!

Boy, that felt good!

Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

posts: 224   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6517779

 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 12:33 AM on Monday, October 14th, 2013

Trying not to let this get too far down.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6522310
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