Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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ButterflyGirl ( Member #38377) posted at 7:23 PM on Monday, October 27th, 2014

Fear: I'd never get to talk to her again.

Reality: I never have to talk to her again!!!!

xBW~ 40
Two DS~ 15 and 11

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2013   ·   location: Flat Earth
id 6990561
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kg201 ( Member #40173) posted at 8:47 PM on Monday, October 27th, 2014

Fear: the community will think that I am an asshole for divorcing a terminally ill cancer patient.

Reality: I don't give a crap about what anyone thinks of me. I can live with myself knowing I did everything I could to support her through her cancer and still got shit on.

Me: BH, 40
Her: Ms. Daisy
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, living together
Dday: 7/28/13
Ds17, DS12, DD12
Divorced! 2/24/2015
Apology. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

posts: 1155   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2013
id 6990661
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 12:18 AM on Monday, November 17th, 2014

Bumping up.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7012156
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nowiknow23 ( Member #33226) posted at 10:36 PM on Wednesday, November 19th, 2014

Bump.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 7015640
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HoldOnHope ( Member #41163) posted at 4:37 AM on Thursday, November 20th, 2014

Thank you, phmh, for starting this thread. And thank you, NIK for directing me to it. Very much needed right now.

Fear: I'm afraid that if I move forward with a divorce, I will be giving up on a marriage that will eventually get better and be worth the hard work of true reconciliation.

Reality: i haven't moved out yet but deep down I know I will be happier once I have the freedom to move on to a loving, respectful, trusting relationship that is not burdened by the emotional baggage he has thrust upon this marriage.

Slowly finding the strength to face my fears

BS(me) - 30s
WH - 30s
Married in 2010
3 year old son and infant daughter
D-Day: July 23, 2013

"But I will hold on hope, and I won't let you choke on that noose around your neck."

posts: 69   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2013   ·   location: US
id 7016034
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 2:49 AM on Tuesday, December 9th, 2014

Seeing lots of new faces again, so wanted to bump this up!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7035737
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Brentwood ( Member #27465) posted at 12:38 AM on Sunday, December 21st, 2014

Thanks for this. I'm divorcing and expressed my fears today in General about posting in the S/D forum cause it makes it real so I was lurking around and saw this again. It was just what I needed today.

My fear, among most of what was already listed, is that a year from now I won't be able to post happy realities. Being a half-glass empty girl does that to me. But I have to face the fact that this is real, this D is happening, my house is being sold, financial hardship is gonna happen and I will be working at least 2 PT jobs after being a SAHM for 30 years. Real is very scary.

So as I was advised this morning by a wise member, I'm gonna begin a topic in D/S and start living the advice I know I'll get from all of you. Thanks in advance!

Happily divorced after seven years of false R and TT. I'm sixty, single, and spectacular!














posts: 417   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2010   ·   location: S. California
id 7049670
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nowiknow23 ( Member #33226) posted at 1:04 AM on Sunday, December 21st, 2014

((((Brentwood)))) It's scariest when it's all undefined. Step by concrete step, it gets less and less scary.

We've got you.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 7049684
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yougogirl ( Member #11332) posted at 1:52 AM on Sunday, December 21st, 2014

I'm new to this, so here are my fears!

1. That DD (11) will really suffer because of this. She is such a wonderful child and is doing so well in school, but she is just hitting puberty.

2. That I will not know how to handle myself as a single person. I've let myself go due to many years of feeling bad about myself and also got married right after college. WH is the only person I've had sex with.

3. That I won't be able to afford everything. I absolutely LOVE where I live now and don't want to give it up. WH said that he wants DD to grow up here and that he will find another place to live. Maybe I can have family move in or, as a last resort, get housemates. WH has a six figure salary and I've been unemployed for a few months (not by choice) but we live in a very high cost of living area and our mortgage is over $3K a month.

Me = doormat BS, early 50s
Him = Narcissistic XWH, same age
Married 25 years, known 28 years, HAPPILY divorced
One DD (18) and 2 pets
Separated 12/15/14, divorced 11/2016

posts: 2414   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2006   ·   location: East Coast
id 7049705
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Futurefear ( Member #43176) posted at 2:28 AM on Sunday, December 21st, 2014

Oh boy-I have some new fears...

1. That once he is physically gone out of the house, I won't be as strong as I am now. That the reality of this all will really sink in.

2. That I will be struggling financially to raise the 3 kids as he has stated I get what I get period for child support. That isn't fair as the kids didn't ask to have this happen.

3. That he will live happily ever after, that his 'third time' will really be a charm.

4. That my kids will want to stay with him because they are fun!

5. That I will stay resentful of this. That I won't get to 'meh' at all.

me- BW him-cheater (2 during our marriage, still with dirty whore)
together 10 yrs, married 7.5
kids- 2 DD and 1 DS
DD#1-Jan 2014,#2-2/2014, #3-3/2014
Filed 4/2014, divorce final 5/2015

posts: 700   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2014   ·   location: Iowa
id 7049730
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TrustGone ( Member #36654) posted at 2:58 AM on Sunday, December 21st, 2014

I guess it's my turn for fears and realities. Filing next week for D from WH#2, so more fears than realities. Those will come later.

1. Fear: That I will have to sell my home and land because WH#2 will not help with the mortgage and the house will go into forclosure before I can sell it

2. Fear: Having to sell all the farm equipment that WH#1 and WH#2 always used on our farm.

3. Fear: Having to sell my cattle.

Reality: I sold all the cattle this week because I didn't know how to use the tractor to put out the bales of hay.

4. Fear: I have a blood disease and stage 4 cirrohis (Non-alcohol related) and don't know how I will get to the doctors or hospital when I have a bad bleed again.

Reality: I can always call an ambulance or a friend or neighbor to take me and pick me up.

5. Fear: I am now on a fixed income(SSI)due to my illness and am afraid I won't be able to pay my bills.

Reality: I still have money in my IRA he can't touch since he has more than I do.

I can get part of his pension, and he may have to pay alimoney and half the mortgage until the place is sold.

6. Fear: (I know this will sound stupid to some people) I fear my poor boxer dog will not adjust well to apartment life. His favorite thing is being able to run around in the pastures and chase rabbits and play with the cattle. He has sat by the door waiting for his dad everyday now for 3 weeks. It is so sad because like small children he doesn't understand.

7. Fear: XWH#1 showed up to offer his help.

Reality: I was over you a long time ago and will not subject myself to you again. You will not make money by helping me.

8. Fear: My step-sons and the rest of his family will not want anything to do with me and will accept the OW

Reality: I got a card today from one of WH#2's sisters saying she will always consider me a part of her family. His parents are really upset at him, but probably won't say anything to him, but they also said that they loved me and to keep in touch.

9. Fear: WH#2 now has a assault with a deadly weapon charge and I am expected to testify against him and also go in for a 2yr protective order. This will probably cost him his job if he is found guilty (which he was) and that will affect my getting money he owes for mortgage and alimony.

10. Fear: WH#2 will lie and do other hateful things to me during the D.

11. Fear: No one will ever love me again with my illness and my age (52)

12: Fear: If I do get a new liver who will help take care of me.

I guess that's about all for now. Since I have went down this road once before on some of my fears, I pretty much know how the D will go. He didn't fight too much in his first marriage, so hopefully he is the coward he has turned out to be and will not fight too hard. At least we don't have children to fight over, but I will miss seeing my neices and nephews.

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 7049742
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 3:03 AM on Saturday, January 3rd, 2015

When I read my initial post, 1.5 years later, I can't believe that it was me who wrote it.

Reality is so amazing. My brain is erasing the fact that I ever had any fears.

I wanted to bump this up for those who are newer.

You can do it. There is a wonderful life waiting for you, full of genuine, honest, and non-toxic people. Seize it.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7064560
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FeelingBlu ( New Member #45846) posted at 6:57 AM on Sunday, January 4th, 2015

Fears:

1. DS will never have a relationship with Wh.

2. We will never have a decent co parent relationship.

3. Never have a chance to actually work on my marriage.

4.Dating

Bw 27 (me)
Wh 28
D Day 8/23/14
DS 7 months
Slowly moving towards R

posts: 43   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 7065753
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 3:09 AM on Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

Bumping

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7077756
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kg201 ( Member #40173) posted at 5:46 PM on Saturday, January 31st, 2015

Bump

Me: BH, 40
Her: Ms. Daisy
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, living together
Dday: 7/28/13
Ds17, DS12, DD12
Divorced! 2/24/2015
Apology. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

posts: 1155   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2013
id 7100050
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 phmh (original poster Member #34146) posted at 2:23 AM on Saturday, February 7th, 2015

Bump for powerthroughit

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7108396
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Powerthruit ( Member #45732) posted at 2:44 AM on Sunday, February 8th, 2015

Thank you very much phmh!

BS (me) - 49
WW - 50
D-day: Nov 18, 2014
Married 17 yrs
DS 13, DD 11
Working on R
"This is the strangest life I've ever known"
- Jim Morrison

posts: 79   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 7109390
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Happyatlast ( Member #44768) posted at 4:53 AM on Sunday, February 8th, 2015

Mine were the same as others you read on here, so I won't list them all. I just want to say this is a great post. When I read R posts, I wish they could realize how their lives could be. It's a scary road, but the end is worth the trip. The beginning is the worst, and then it gets better from there. I was scared to DEATH. -- I've NEVER been happier than I am now.

posts: 1970   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2014
id 7109474
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Abbondad ( Member #37898) posted at 7:57 PM on Sunday, February 8th, 2015

Simply, I feared I would not live through this. I would have a nervous breakdown, lose my job, lose my life, physically or its essence.

Reality: I'm still here, working and living in my new little home. Am I happy? Nope, can't say that I am yet. But just Being is enough for now.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune

posts: 2088   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2012
id 7110057
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Take2 ( Member #23890) posted at 3:02 AM on Sunday, February 15th, 2015

Bump

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

posts: 4432   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2009   ·   location: New England
id 7118080
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