I am currently stuck in my fears and I need to move on. I'm going to list them here in the hopes I will get to come back in the future and tell everyone how well things worked out:D
1. FEAR: I can't afford to live in the Bay Area on what I earn. I will have to live somewhere horrible to be near my daughter because CA gives 50-50 custody and I'm not allowed to take her out of the area.
2. I have no retirement savings - I was counting on the sale of my home down the line to live on and now I have no plan so I don't know what I'll do when I'm older.
3. My DD! My parents divorced when I was 15 and I was devastated and still struggle with aspects of it. I fear how it will affect her long term.
4. Parenting Alone - how will I deal with the time limitations of working full time, going to school part time AND being a single parent?
5. My daughter is more bonded with stbx in a lot of ways and I'm afraid she will always want to be with him and not with me.
6. Growing older without the person I thought I'd grow old with - will I be alone? Will there be anyone to help me and share my life?
7. Should I have tried harder to save my marriage? Was this my fault?
8. Am I unloveable/unattractive? Will I ever find anyone who will really love me or even give me a chance? Will I ever even get laid again?
9. Will stbx drag the divorce out so much that I can't afford the lawyer fees? Will they make him pay my legal costs in the end or will I be out all that money too?
10. Will I get back the money stbx hid/stole from me? Some of it belongs to my mom and I feel very responsible for that.
11. Will I be able to adjust my spending to live with less money or will I wind up way in debt even though I should have enough to get by?
12. Will I have to leave/sell my house? I love my house and I feel like I'm already losing so much.
13. I am a crazy cat lady and I tend to adopt older cats. Will I be able to afford the medical care they often need?
14. Will OW become wife #2 and I'll have to deal with her on an ongoing basis?
15. stbx is almost obsessed with DD at this point. Will he drop her like a hot potato at some point when it actually will take more effort to deal with her?
16. Will stbx quit/lose his job leaving me financially unstable? How long will alimony be for?
17. Will I crash and suffer a major depression at some point as I've dealt with depression all my life? Will my back require more surgery and I'll have no one to help?
18. Was I not a good enough wife? Am I too messed up for anyone to stay in my life?
19. Will I always feel like I love him even though he's not the person I loved anymore? Will I ever be able to separate the two? My father died in stages after my mother divorced him - he never picked up his life again. I'm terrified I'll do the same.
20. Will I lose my best friend too as she insists on staying friends with him and I really have a hard time with that?
I could go on - I feel like a huge ball of fear right now. I still can't sleep well and am not eating much and I'm almost 3 months out now. I promise, in a year, I will come back to this time capsule of fears and report on how I'm doing.