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Just Found Out :
Horrible devastating update....I am devastated

Topic is Sleeping.
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I posted 4 days ago that my WH has been in an affair for months. I caught them. For some reason I actually thought he might be stopping this affair because he was worried about losing everything including his reputation. I was really hoping it was just sex, because I can get over that. Boy was I wrong.

3 days later he was at it again. He met with her this weekend, because he felt that I was 'off the case'. Turns out this is much more serious that I thought. She is in a rocky marriage and she and my WH are in love. He tells me he loves me every day. From what I heard, it sounds like they communicate every single day, and are maybe (?) biding their time with respective spouses, trying to see where the relationships go. They both sounded happier in their secret life than their real lives. What are they getting out of this besides sex? I can't tell if they are plotting for the future, or if they are just doing this for fun. I am devastated.

I am in full stealth mode gathering evidence and keeping my cool. How did this happen? How did I allow weakness into my relationship? I fear that he has fallen out of love with me and that their relationship has blossomed right under my nose. I am terrified, frozen and scared. I am NOT going to let him divorce me. But I am planning on speaking to lawyers this week. I am afraid that their relationship is real (even thought they live in a fantasy world) and that I am going to lose and be alone. Do I just turn a blind eye? I am beside myself with grief. I want to blow up his life with all of his friends and family, but I do not have an exit plan yet. I also want my marriage back, but I fear this woman has her hooks into him. I am beyond depressed.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 2:34 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8798873
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 5:02 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I’m so sorry.

I think you need to lay the hammer down but I understand why you are stuck.

Good job on speaking to a lawyer. You need to know your rights and what actions you need to take to protect your self.

The quickest way to see where his head is really at is simple.

Tell that woman’s husband immediately.

If your husband dumps her then you will know he was just using her.

Prepare first then tell the husband as soon as possible.

He may take care of everything for you or your husband may run away with the other woman.

Either way you’ll get your answer and move out of what is right now an abusive relationship.

Don’t get trapped in abuse.

Again I’m so sorry.

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8798883
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 5:19 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I just figured out who she is. She is an ex-lover. She has been trying to worm her way back into my husbands life. She just kept reaching out to him and he took the bait.

I don't think my husband will dump her. I just have a feeling that he won't.

If I tell the husband of the woman, do I do it anonymously? I don't know what to do.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 2:35 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8798885
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:20 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

Sorry this has happened. Two things— absolutely tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse) without letting your H know. this will blow the whole thing open. Plus he deserves to know.

What do you mean you won’t let him divorce you? I hope you mean you will dump his ass first…

And how much more proof do you need? Just work on getting your ducks in a row. Good that you are seeing lawyers. Also make sure you have your finances all figured out and start considering what your next chapter might look like. Who owns the home? Do you have a reliable car? A good job? All these will help you no matter what happens next.

Hang in there.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6024   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8798886
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 6:00 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I also want my marriage back, but I fear this woman has her hooks into him.


I’m sorry you are going through this. One of the hardest doses of reality I was served here on SI is that your M is gone. He has burned it down. You cannot go back to that M.

You can rebuild but there is still a pile of rubble there.

You need to (without telling you H) notify her H, I did not do it anonymously because I wanted to be credible. The OBS can also help with getting the truth.

Shes been allowed to interfere for over 16 years, he’s not giving her up.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3458   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8798888
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 6:23 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

Do I just turn a blind eye?

^^^Gently, no, no, and no!

You've got a good plan. Meet with a couple of different attorneys. Continue to be vigilant.

I agree with informing the other BS, if you are uncertain how to do it, do it anonymously IF you don't feel comfortable. Provide him with some reliable evidence without revealing who it is. Do not tell your husband you are doing this. If you don't tell him anonymously, the two of you can probably piece the puzzle together.

She is in a rocky marriage

^^^All cheaters rewrite marital history, I bet her husband is clueless. Of course they will say anything to justify an affair. My WH told AP how mean I was. rolleyes She told him her husband was abusive. rolleyes


Unfortunately, this woman has been in your husband's life for a very long time. I have to agree with Tanner, I don't think he will give her up, at least not permanently.

I also want my marriage back

,

Your husband killed your marriage, sadly, even if by some miracle, it will never be the same. This woman is always going to be lurking in the background, and you will live your life being hypervigilant.

Find a good IC for yourself, one who specializes in trauma.

I am going to lose and be alone

^^Nope, you will be getting rid of someone who is probably a serial cheater and who has lied to you, who has betrayed you, and who has stabbed you in the back repeatedly. You win your authentic life back.

posts: 12158   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8798890
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 6:59 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

She was not in his life consistently for a long time....I know this for a fact. They had not talked for years and then one day they did and here we are. Maybe I could have stopped this. So she only came back recently and it was last year. She was saying how bad her husband is, I think she actually wants a divorce so she can be free to be with my WH.

My only saving grace is that I have not revealed anything yet, but he knows I am suspicious. I am not ready to have any conversation with the other spouse or my WH. Why is he even with me? Am I just here to help pay the bills and take care of the house while he waits for her to figure her situation out? I have been feeling like his roommate. And now I know why.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 2:53 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8798893
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 7:20 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

This was not caused by weakness in your relationship. It’s caused by a fundamental weakness in your husband’s character. A weakness that predates your relationship, that he never dealt with or fixed, even though it destroyed a previous marriage of his.

You say you are paralyzed, but you’re actually bad ass. You have kept your cool, gotten proof, and are orienting yourself and figuring out your options. You are FAR ahead of, and FAR stronger than I was when I was blindsided by my DDay. It will take you some time to figure out what you want to do, and how you want to confront him. The two "musts," in my mind are that you need to consult a lawyer, and you need to tell this woman’s husband.

I am so, so sorry you find yourself here.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8798896
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

You need to get angry.

You also seem to be blaming a lot of this on her. She may have knocked on the door,but your husband opened the door,and invited her in.

Nearly all APs tell each other their marriage is bad. Otherwise they look like real shits,cheating on a good spouse. She tells him it's bad,amd it gives your husband the chance to play KISA. It's extremely common in affairs.

Do not tell her husband anonymously. Call him directly and tell him all that you've discovered, and offer a copy of all evidence.

At this point,you need to seriously consider of you truly want to attempt reconciliation. He's a serial cheater. Rarely do they change. He's proven he hasn't. Reconciliation is a process that takes years,and it requires the es to do a lot of work on themselves. Do you think he's even up for that?

Don't have sex with him. Right now, you are sharing him. Sont expose yourself to stds that can kill you,or prevent you from having kids one day.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8798900
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

You are all right. I think I am just in denial. I keep thinking there has to be some other explanation, this can't be my reality. That it was not 'really' him who did this. I am beyond angry, trust me. And I know I can't sustain this forever. I still am delusional enough to think I can control or stop this affair. But that is not the case, unless he really values me which it does not seem that he does.

Nothing would make me happier than to see him end up 100% alone. But he won't. I know that I need to stay calm, it is the only way I was able to figure any of this out. And I won't file for divorce until I understand our finances...there is some work I need to do there.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8798908
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:35 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

Your lawyer may be able to find you a financial detective to help you. In fact, that’s what you need to do first. I would just pretend like everything is fine, let him go about his business, and you go about yours, get your finances straighten, and then tell him goodbye. I have no idea what’s the matter with him or what’s the matter with her but they’re toxic and you don’t need that in your life.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4257   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8798915
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 11:29 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

If you include the recording of them together in the evidence you give to the OBS, you may want to warn him to have a trusted confidant who knows her voice listen to it and provide him a transcript.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 612   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8798948
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 12:49 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

This is the same woman who your WH had an affair with in his first marriage??? Oh, sadin, this isn't a flaw in you or this marriage. This is a flaw in him. One he doesn't seem to want to rectify anytime soon.

It's a wonder they didn't end up together. Then again, there's the possibility that they know ending up together means their love will grow 'stale' so they do this sneaky bullsh!t to 'keep the excitement' in their 'relationship' alive. Ugh, gross. barf

Please start getting your ducks in a row. I see that you're going to consult a lawyer, which is a good first step. Do you really want to be the 'second choice' to a guy who looks like he's going to leave a trail of broken hearts for this woman? Write a list to yourself about what's so great about him that you're so desperate to keep him. You might be surprised.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:50 AM, Tuesday, July 11th]

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8798951
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 12:53 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

I keep thinking there has to be some other explanation, this can't be my reality.

What seems incredibly unusual to you is a typical bland nothing special affair to us. See it every day here.

Every
Single
Day

Your special snowflake is an utterly banal cheat. Not even good at it. You’ve got him nailed to rights. You are so far ahead of him, his mind is the one that is going to be blown.

When you confront him, prepare for a tsunami flow of bullshit. She needed help, he was ignored, they just talked, why don’t you trust me? Ugh.

Ever seen a Tarzan movie? He never lets go if one vine until he has his hands on another. You are his "home vine". His safety. Cut it.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3212   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8798952
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 2:32 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

I know it's hard not to think in terms of "winners" and "losers." But you've proven yourself to be a smart lady, so slow down a second and think.

It's not about ending up alone, thus, you "lost" and he "wins" if he ends up not alone (although I know karma is great when it rolls over a cheater).

It's about you getting free from an unsafe, disloyal, untrustworthy partner. That's a win! (Even though the journey is difficult and painful.) Valuing yourself is a win!

He's already lost. He's hurt a trustworthy, faithful partner. If he ends up with this other women, then 2 cheaters both get to spend their relationship not really trusting each other, because both know the other person can't be trusted to be faithful. They know that first hand.

Take care of yourself, dear lady. You deserve so much better.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:32 AM, Tuesday, July 11th]

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 489   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8798966
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 3:11 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

Oh sad!!
I was shaking when I read your update. I’m so very sorry!! I can’t IMAGINE what you heard on that recording. Omg. I am in awe of your patience and holding everything close to the vest. I agree with the others - find your anger!! HE did this. He chose this. He chose to forsake your vows, your marriage, fidelity, for WHAT? He risks losing it all and it just goes to show you how cocky he is - like he’s got everything under control. I can’t wait until dday and you nail his ass to the wall. That’s the least of what he deserves!! As for the OBS, you have to inform him. I had the awful task of informing OBS in 2012. Ironically, he actually knew a few days before me and was trying to figure out how to contact me when I made the first call. It was definitely awkward and clunky having that conversation. He didn’t want his wife though - she had been cheating on him for years, so he was more than willing to drop her on my doorstep. Just get all your ducks in a row - wait for the perfect time. Do your homework, get your finances in order, get your lawyer on retainer. Be prepared. It’s gonna suck but you’re doing this because you DESERVE to live a life not being cheated on!! Remember that!! Keep coming here - even if it’s just to vent and rage. We support you!

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8798971
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:04 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

Maybe I should have said something when I saw them texting last year, but I didn't think it was anything actionable. Maybe I could have stopped this. So she only came back recently and it was last year. She was saying how bad her husband is, I think she actually wants a divorce so she can be free to be with my WH.

This is a repeat AP for you WH. Don't delude yourself that you could have stopped this. The only thing you would have done by confronting him on the first message was make him work harder to hide what he was doing. This is all on him. Your best route of action is to cut your loses and move on to find someone worthy of you. Your Wh has proven to two women that he isn't.

posts: 1591   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8798979
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 9:19 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

Thank you all so much - I cannot believe the support I am finding here. Ugh. He came home tonight and we chatted like it’s all normal, planning our vacation in a month. All I wanted to do was scream at him and pack my bag. But I have to stay calm.

Part of me wishes I had never found out. I had no idea a month ago and I was really happy and it did not affect my life. But I guess I was living a lie. Better to find out now, even though it is killing me.

All I can think about is them and how bored and miserable he must be with me at home, wishing he was with her. I am trying to find hope in all of this. But I know how this is going to go with them until they are confronted or get caught. I guess I wonder how could they have a future together? To be together would be scandalous - and end up together? Two broken marriages? I guess they think that is a possibility. I know she would like that. Not sure if that is what he would really want.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 2:54 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8798986
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 9:49 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

I had no idea a month ago and I was really happy and it did not affect my life.

Oh but it DID affect your life - your sexual health. He’s having (I’m guessing, probably) unprotected sex with this woman and then having unprotected sex with you, his wife! He’s selfish and an a-hole for bringing potential std, disease, germs, whatever into YOUR shared marital bed! And you are none the wiser, until now. I’d be PISSED. YOU should be pissed!! My situation was different in that my WH’s PA began after it was initially an EA, and the physical part began when I went on vacation with our 11 yr old son. He had the whole house to himself and brought her to MY HOME. IN OUR BED. However, while on vacation still he was leaving hints that he was unhappy and all kinds of stuff - so the day I returned from my vacation, he told me he was having a PA, wanted a D - and he moved out the next day. No shared bodily fluids for me BUT I still got tested. He is OBVIOUSLY clueless that you know anything - he really thinks you’re off the trail. Continue to act normal - as normal as you can until such time when you get your shit together - lawyer first, then proceed from there. Know what your rights are. There were times when I’d look at my H and regress thinking of old times, sentimental stuff, our wedding day, birth of our son - and then I’d get raging f’ng MAD at what he did to destroy all that by doing what he did and I’d have to get strong and stay the course. We did not D - after a series of unfortunate events, one that had him arrested, he begged me to reconcile - but by that time I was holding all the cards, I had my agency, the control - I was calling the shots. The first was absolutely NO CONTACT, everrrrrr. Ditch all the friends, allies, co-conspirators - ANYONE who knew or had facilitated this A in any way - had to be cut out of our lives. And that included family. I informed the OBS - which in my previous post I explained that it was an awkward and clunky conversation, also it took me a while to find his contact info since they lived in another city. Told him HE needed to get std tested. The OBS in your situation needs to know - he is unknowingly being harmed as well and should be informed. I’m always going to be on the side of "let the OBS know as soon as possible". It’s the right thing to do. The issue I see with your WH is that this is an old AP - they have history and have been down this road already. Is this really the one who got away? Might be. If that’s the case LET THEM have one another. Two cheating spouses, yay for them. You have your dignity intact - YOU did not cheat, you remained faithful, you have been loyal. IF he was unhappy - he could have chosen a hundred way to tell you, a heart to heart conversation, MC, or seek advice from a trusted source - ANYTHING, but instead he thinks that THIS is the better option?? I think people CAN change - but you would have to look long and hard at this particular situation and wonder, would he ever be faithful- or will I forever be looking over my shoulder waiting for the next brick to fall? I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’m sorry ANY OF US are in this situation - regardless of where we are in this process, it’s a giant shit sandwich. Thinking of you and sending positive vibes and virtual hugs. You’re gonna get through this. You will.

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8798988
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 12:53 PM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

Part of me wishes I had never found out. I had no idea a month ago and I was really happy and it did not affect my life. But I guess I was living a lie. Better to find out now, even though it is killing me.


You are getting an exercise in human nature…your own and others. It is amazing how often people will take happy stories over sad truths, and you can fill the pull yourself, no?

No matter how you feel, SIC, you are acting like a stone cold killer here. In total control of the moment. Anyone can be strong when it is easy, you are doing it when it is hard.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3212   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8798991
Topic is Sleeping.
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