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Just Found Out :
Horrible devastating update....I am devastated

Topic is Sleeping.
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 7:30 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

ThisIsSoLonely I feel like we are/were the same in circumstances and you give me hope. Your messages are gold, so thank you. And thank you to everyone - this community is one that I will give back to for the rest of my life. I vow to be as supportive to everyone and pay it forward because I understand the pain and want to help others.

ThisIsSoLonely - I am literally in the same spot you were. He was having sex with her once a week before I figured it out, but now that I am onto them, they are scared to meet up. So they just message each other I love you etc. Just like your WH. They probably sext as well.

If I thought WH was more scared of losing me, I would have walked out last week and rolled the dice. I somewhat believe he wants to remain married to me because I do provide stability in his life, I am a true partner and very very integrated in his life. Also, I have given him 3 outs ...he never takes the opportunity to leave).

One point I forgot to mention - the first year we were dating, there was a genuine misunderstanding between us; his assistant sent me a message that made no sense, and I read it the wrong way. So I told him that I was not coming back to him, that he could have a nice life by himself and I wished him good luck. He completely panicked - begged me to come home - sat with me for 2 days straight. It was the only fight we had ever had. We got past it.

Which is why your point is SO important - staying under the same roof in this situation that is making me crazy will only divide us further. In order for me to leave, I will need a decent excuse because I am not tipping my hand until I have D papers and a list of what I demand him. House assessment etc. And my plan for his exposure, meaning 50+ people to email etc. OBS.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:21 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8801109
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 7:40 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

What percentage of the condo do you own? Is it split only between you and your WH? Is someone renting it?

Is he a highly regarded public figure of some sort?

Is there a pre-nup?

I worry that due to the length of your marriage, even with a shark attorney, you will be lucky to leave with any more than you came with. One thing that *may* happen is that when you confront him and threaten to D. He may beg you to stay (in which case I'd demand a post-nup) or he may agree to the divorce with favorable terms for you out of guilt. (or he may be just a run of the mill selfish twit, in which case it may be better just to walk away.

posts: 247   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8801110
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:27 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

sad, of course he doesn't want to leave.

He's got the stable wife and home that provides a great image.

He's has his AP on the side feeding his ego and providing validation and sex.

He has his cake and is eating it, too. I bet he doesn't think you would ever leave him.

I will need a decent excuse because I am not tipping my hand

Your excuse is you know he is having an affair with X. That's it. Honestly, if you think leaving is going to wake him up, doubt it, it will give him more free time to see the AP especially since her BS is still in the dark. Don't think you leaving is going to give you the outcome you are looking for bc the affair is still ongoing.

I worry that due to the length of your marriage, even with a shark attorney, you will be lucky to leave with any more than you came with. One thing that *may* happen is that when you confront him and threaten to D. He may beg you to stay (in which case I'd demand a post-nup) or he may agree to the divorce with favorable terms for you out of guilt. (or he may be just a run of the mill selfish twit, in which case it may be better just to walk away.

^^^Unfortunately, this in a nutshell. I don't think any attorney is going to be able to give you a great divorce settlement bc you've only been married a few years and no children involved.

[This message edited by annb at 8:39 PM, Thursday, July 27th]

posts: 12146   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8801119
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 6:03 PM on Friday, July 28th, 2023

I don't have much time right now, but I posted a few messages (as did others) in this thread that seem very similar to what I would post for you now that you may want to read:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=661251&HL=64418

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2317   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8801368
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:37 AM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

Just make sure that your stealth is legal. Have you considered counseling?

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8801770
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 8:59 PM on Friday, August 11th, 2023

Hi SiC,

How are you going with your strategy to

try to act normal

while gathering further intel?
I appreciate that you were prepared to wait for the right time before serving your WH with divorce papers, but are you coping with the roller coaster of emotions that betrayal and infidelity can create?

Did you want to give us an update?
We're here to support and encourage you,
Kind regards,
FAWH.

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8804148
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 6:52 PM on Saturday, August 12th, 2023

Hi everyone, I took a little break to do some IC etc. still no confrontation yet. I wanted to get through 2 events with him over the past week, where once again he treats me like gold in public. I have a decent lawyer and we are working on the financials, I have been grabbing stuff from his office so I have a complete picture. He gave me access to another account so that’s good. One foot in front of the next. I am holding it together guys. My Ic is helping me with self care. I have started eating again.

I am doing ok, making a list of what I want when I ask for divorce. I have checked his phone - he is still texting with her. She always complains about her husband. Of course he complained about me the night I blew up at him. But I wonder what she is getting out of this?

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:22 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804231
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 7:47 PM on Saturday, August 12th, 2023

But I wonder what she is getting out of this?

She is getting the same thing your WH is. She is also ripping the OBS apart - I'm guessing he's also not the horrible guy he's made out to be in their conversations. And if he is so bad, why does the AP need your WH to leave you first to leave her BS exactly? Is it like some pathetic game of chicken - or a grade school dare ("I'll do it if you do it - you do it first...no you do it first)???

Who knows why they are doing what they are doing in the way they are doing it. What I do know is you can keep the limbo charade up for as long as you can stand it, but unless you are getting something out of it (aside from hopium fuel) then the sooner you can let the cat out of the bag and get to the real stuff - no matter how it turns out ultimately - the better.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:48 PM, Saturday, August 12th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2317   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8804234
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 9:19 PM on Saturday, August 12th, 2023

Good point. I think he is getting sex out of it primarily. Outside of sex and complaining about spouses, I don’t really know how much they have. I am confident that without sex and the fantasy/thrill of being sneaky they would have very little. He is now talking to me about our Christmas vacation plans. Ha. I’l be gone before then. I cannot do this much longer and I am taking it day by day but each day taking a step to build my future. IC is helping.

He’s a simpleton - easy target for her. So he’s lying to her probably to keep her around. He is never going to tell her we are having a great time. Why would he? It would only piss her off and that’s the last thing he needs.

What am I getting? A place to live (not an emotionally safe one) and a base from which to start moving apart from him as I plan my C.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:23 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804245
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 11:27 PM on Saturday, August 12th, 2023

What percentage of the condo do you own? Is it split only between you and your WH? Is someone renting it?

Is he a highly regarded public figure of some sort?

Is there a pre-nup?

What are your plans for when you leave?

posts: 247   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8804255
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 11:44 PM on Saturday, August 12th, 2023

The condo is not an option. I own it 50%. It is rented for a year. We have no prenup. He has more money than me. Lawyer has given me the reality. The more the house appreciates and the more any investments appreciate the better for me. Sadly it’s not enough. He is well-known in our area.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804256
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 8:26 AM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

I'm so sorry to hear that.

When is the year up? Are you planning on trying to make this work or are you planning to leave?

posts: 247   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8804273
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 4:01 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

The rental year ends next July, so it’s not an option. I have to move. And that is a good question. I am not sure yet. I can’t live like this forever, obviously. I tried pick me, and that was pointless. So I plan to confront when I have my list of D asks secured. I have been writing and rewriting what I plan to say to him. The more time I work on it, the stronger my message gets. I want to be very strong when I have the conversation, not crying. I am trying 180. Although it’s hard because we are always together and the second I am a little quiet or to myself, he immediately asks what is wrong. He knows me really well.

All said, I would like to try and work things out because I feel like I have no better options. Sad, I know. I am not sure I love him anymore. I have read a lot on SI about false R and it has me concerned. I suspect he will not be genuinely remorseful. He wants to be married to me and have her on the side. So I suspect this is just one of those affairs that goes on and on until they get exposed. So I need to C, and then leave or make him leave. I do not think I should stay with him after confrontation. Leaving is the right thing to do for my sanity and physical distance will be good. I still don’t know where I will go, which is kind of an issue.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:24 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804292
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 6:14 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Make sure you have all the evidence and it’s in a safe place. Can you also make sure there is one other friend or wellwisher that knows what’s going on? Have someone with you when you confront, if not at home maybe waiting nearby. Make sure the OBS knows at exactly the same time. Make sure to let your lawyer know as well.
For someone that has a weak moral fiber and is conscious of his public image, you don’t know how he may react.

Again, you have to watch out for yourself. You don’t have to decide to divorce right away until you have taken care of yourself and your finances even if you have confronted him.

He’s addicted to the thrill of cheating , expose the affair and I doubt he’s going to enjoy being with the AP full time. Irrespective of whether you stay or leave, you don’t have to be the poor betrayed wife. It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong. You need to be in charge here, show him you are the boss. Not at all like the the immoral weak woman that does not respect herself enough and is ok being a hidden side piece.

If you decide to stay, definitely lay out rules.

posts: 281   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8804308
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 10:51 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Hi, sad, I hope you are being kind to yourself.

Worried about your emotional health trying to keep it all together. You are much stronger than I would be, please continue to stay vigilant, and when you do confront, please let someone know the situation. You never know how a WS is going to react when confronted with the ugly truth about themselves.

posts: 12146   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8804331
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 11:19 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

That is a really tough place to be in. If you ever have any health issues that affect you (like migraines, IBS, etc.) start using those as excuses for when you just can't fake it anymore. Both of those issues (plus I'm sure many I haven't thought of) will let you go to bed and turn off the lights for a while.

I'm glad you are getting stronger. I feel you are doing the right thing by getting all your ducks in a row and waiting to confront until you are ready. You have a lot of support here. You will get through this.

posts: 247   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8804333
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:20 AM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

Is there a chance the AP is going on the trip with him?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3602   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8804334
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 2:37 PM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

Hi everyone thank you for your concern and your questions. This forum is a lifesaver. There is no chance she is going on the trip with him. My WH asked me to join him, but I declined.

In terms of my mental health, it comes and goes but I am hanging on. I never EVER thought I could hold something like this in, but here we are, over 2 months. It is making me a stronger person, although a bit mental as well. If I can handle this I can handle just about anything. I am observing him and trying to fall out of love with him. I know in my head that he is a monster. He is very very sensitive to my moods lately. if I blink the wrong way he picks up on it and asks if I am ok. He is on high alert with me.

I think the hardest part is that I know they are trying/planning to see one another. That just hurts like hell. She is never going away. I saw some of her texts over the weekend. The only thing that might get rid of her is exposure of A. Probably not then either.

The other hard part is learning how to manage my triggers. It is probably not very healthy to do so, but when I get triggered (by a text from OW) that is where I get into trouble. I am getting better at managing my triggers - only because I don't want to give him more reason to complain about me . I have to keep moving forward I am hoping 180 will help.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:25 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804361
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 4:36 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Minor update - I almost had 'the confrontation' the other night, which tells me I need to get moving on it soon as I am about to burst with anger. In some ways, I ended up testing the water for the ultimate C.

I told him I knew everything. So basically giving him a chance to ask 'what do you know?' - instead he told me to calm down. So he is scared to even ask what I know. I thought that was odd. He wants to veer away from the topic. Later we talked about my recent mood swings, which he is very attuned to. Apparently I jump down his throat over everything these days (which I said is not true, but he is now gaslighting me). This is 100% caused by his A

He said he just wants his happy perfect wife back, and will do whatever it takes to help me get there. I asked if he wanted to work on the marriage and he said of course, we have such a great life, that is all he wants is the way it used to be. (when I was oblivious to his A) I have IC today so getting some extra help, as I am rewriting the C script a little. I still don't feel 100% prepared and need to be in charge of my emotions. I refuse to cry during the C, I want to be as strong as steel, with my escape plan solidified and I am not there yet.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:27 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804593
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:59 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

You are doing great, sad. But don’t worry about crying or not crying. Worry about getting your ducks in a row. You are feeling your protective shield crack, so I think you are right that you need to pull in your timeline if you can.

What else do you need to get figured out before you file?
He’s on a trip, so now is the perfect time to work on it.

Hang in there!

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5966   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8804595
Topic is Sleeping.
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