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Newest Member: KstinTX

Just Found Out :
Horrible devastating update....I am devastated

Topic is Sleeping.

annb ( member #22386) posted at 7:50 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

Stay vigilant, and please, please confront.

In my situation, the OW husband found out about the EA and confronted both my husband and his wife. They both agreed to end it. rolleyes

Sure, they ended it for about a week or two then found ways to take it further underground. The OW husband did not alert me so several weeks after confrontation, his wife met my husband at his hotel room. barf

So stay cautious, I don't trust cheaters, when there's a will there's a way. This is the second time she's back in his life if memory serves me correctly? Maybe I'm thinking about a different member.

posts: 12149   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8805837

Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 10:57 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023


I’ve been following your story. I want to be gentle here but the only reason he broke contact with her is because he knows he is caught.

He must be monitoring you now or he got wind you have a lawyer. He is only thinking of himself and protecting himself. He is not thinking of the hurt and betrayal he caused you. In that phone call did he say he is an awful husband and loves you … no he says they must have minimal or no contact because you know.

He may be monitoring this very site. Drop the bomb and do it publicly. Otherwise you are giving him the upper hand and he will sweet talk you back and do it again IMHO.

You got this but you are playing the pick me dance whether you see it or not.


BS Me 53 WH 55 Married 29 years

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8805856

Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 11:03 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

The ball is in your court now. Play it well. If you plan to leave go scorched earth. If you want to stay, make sure he’s held accountable , don’t keep this a secret though. He’s someone that cares about his image, make some noise atleast.

And most of all please be safe. I hope whatever the outcome your interests are protected.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8805857

everydayisHalloween ( new member #83523) posted at 12:04 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

Please let the OBS know what has been going on! He deserves to know and she shouldn’t get away with it. My husband had a FWB at work. She was engaged and I sure as heck let her fiancé know. She got kicked out of her home, had her car taken (it was paid for by her fiancé) and lost her job. (She was doing the rounds at work and pissed a lot of people off) He had his suspicions, but until I told him he had no proof. He was very thankful to me for saving him from marrying Sally Roundheels! Your OBS deserves to be happy and make informed choices about his life. Do him a favor.

[This message edited by everydayisHalloween at 9:04 AM, Wednesday, August 30th]

"Keep your eyes to the sky, never glued to your shoes" Mac Miller

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2023   ·   location: Atlanta, GA
id 8805868

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 12:42 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

Hi Sad. I think your instincts are spot on. He broke up with her to avoid embarrassment and public exposure. She is the pursuer and she will reappear in the future. What do we know from your description of your WH: he’s a cake eater who likes the attention and ego kibbles. Can you say that when things quiet down he won’t want more cake? Take care of you. Continue with your plan to confront. If he says he broke up with her and it was meaningless, have him send her a no contact letter you approve. Please inform her OBS. Watch his actions, not his words. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3885   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8805874

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:21 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

He is so delusional that he thinks if he just stays quiet, he can rug sweep this, and nothing will come up. I hope you have all your ducks in a row.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4231   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8805876

Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:22 AM on Saturday, September 2nd, 2023

Hi OP, Just checking to see that you are ok. Hope you are well and safe.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8806325

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:42 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Hope you were able to stay strong and confront him.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3603   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8807213

cdagal ( member #38154) posted at 6:56 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Even on the off chance that he ended it with her, he has shown you who he is - a lying, cheating, manipulative cake eating asshat.
Why would you want to stay with him?
My XH was having an affair with an old flame. I discovered it. I gave him one opportunity to admit it. He did. I told him that from that moment, our marriage was over. No discussion, no negotiation. I was scared shitless but my self respect far outweighed my fear.
That was 13 years ago. I never looked back. I have been single ever since. Should I be lucky enough to find someone who respects me as much as I respect myself, who knows what the future holds.
Love yourself. You are worth it!

There is no education like adversity - Disraeli

posts: 274   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8807219

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 12:55 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Love and financial security are great motivators to try to R. We can't make their decisions for them, we can only be here if, and when, they need us.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8807461

Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 10:12 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

How are you doing Sad? Check in when you can.

BS Me 53 WH 55 Married 29 years

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8807838

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 2:02 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Thank you for checking in. Still no conversation as I plan next steps legally. I have my plan and am sticking to it. It is hard, and I feel dead inside sometimes. Right now he is anxious to please me because he is nervous.

After the breakup, my WH said they should only message if they need to - Meaning only if the OBS figures it out. They are nervous. So my WH wants it to go away, and she is desperately trying to stay in touch. She pried the door open and he allowed it. No visibility into what they are talking about, but they have not seen each other in 2 months. That said, any communication is unacceptable so there we have it. He thinks I am rugsweeping but I think he also knows I’ll eventually bring the hammer down. I will have the conversation on my timeline. Have not yet contacted OBS as per my lawyer’s instructions but I will. I remain in limbo, but surviving. Emotionally detaching. I have to be willing to walk away and I am almost there. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:35 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8807944

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 2:31 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I'm sorry you're still going through this. You are so strong and you will be ok. Hang in there.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8807950

annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:28 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

How does your husband know you know and is just staying silent? Like maybe his betrayal will just be swept under the rug?

I'm still worried about your mental health, you're living in the middle of a nightmare for months and seemingly no resolution yet.

Sad, IMO, you need to get OUT of infidelity asap. No matter the outcome. The continued stress can't be good for your mental AND physical health. sad

His actions can't change whether you wait a week or a month in this charade.

What's your attorney's reasoning behind not informing the OBS?

posts: 12149   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8807992

Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023


Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing. You feel emotionally dead because you have detached yourself as a natural protection mechanism. Are you seeing your IC regularly?

We can all provide our advice but you have to do what’s best for you and your situation. Hopefully you have stored your actual proof in a safe place.

You eventually will find yourself on the other side of this nightmare. Take good care of yourself.


BS Me 53 WH 55 Married 29 years

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8808032

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:32 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Sad, I know you're not happy, but that is the nature of the beast. Being betrayed is a terrible experience.

I think, however, that you've made some great progress. You're using your power. You're making decisions with an eye to acting in your own best interests. You're showing you know, deep down, that you can live a good life even without your H.

My wish for you is that you hang in with us, heal, survive, and thrive. You're on the right path.

(((sadincolorado))) - a hug, if you want one. And if you want more virtual hugs, just ask.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29933   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808090

Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 1:25 AM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Thinking about you sad,
Just know you have people who do care about you here. Please take care of yourself. Sending positive vibes and lots of hugs your way.


Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 193   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8808152

Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 7:06 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

OP, please stay safe. He knows you have evidence and is desperate to keep his good image, so does his AP. Make sure you check in with a friend or your lawyer daily. Please get out of this situation as soon as you can. Wishing you lots of strength .

posts: 282   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8808190

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:12 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

How does your husband know you know

This is my question as well. Why do you think he knows you know? His decision to back off from the affair could simply be out of guilt,or he's losing interest in her.

He may suspect you know. In that case, you need to be careful. Delete SI from your internet history. Delete it from your Google account. Delete any calls to your attorney.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6680   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8808203

Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 2:04 AM on Friday, October 6th, 2023

Sad, Checking in to see how you are doing?

BS Me 53 WH 55 Married 29 years

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8810660
Topic is Sleeping.
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