annb ( member #22386) posted at 7:50 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023
Stay vigilant, and please, please confront.
In my situation, the OW husband found out about the EA and confronted both my husband and his wife. They both agreed to end it.
Sure, they ended it for about a week or two then found ways to take it further underground. The OW husband did not alert me so several weeks after confrontation, his wife met my husband at his hotel room.
So stay cautious, I don't trust cheaters, when there's a will there's a way. This is the second time she's back in his life if memory serves me correctly? Maybe I'm thinking about a different member.
Sick2Death ( new member #24681) posted at 10:57 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023
I’ve been following your story. I want to be gentle here but the only reason he broke contact with her is because he knows he is caught.
He must be monitoring you now or he got wind you have a lawyer. He is only thinking of himself and protecting himself. He is not thinking of the hurt and betrayal he caused you. In that phone call did he say he is an awful husband and loves you … no he says they must have minimal or no contact because you know.
He may be monitoring this very site. Drop the bomb and do it publicly. Otherwise you are giving him the upper hand and he will sweet talk you back and do it again IMHO.
You got this but you are playing the pick me dance whether you see it or not.
BS Me 52 WH 54 Married 28 years
Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 11:03 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023
The ball is in your court now. Play it well. If you plan to leave go scorched earth. If you want to stay, make sure he’s held accountable , don’t keep this a secret though. He’s someone that cares about his image, make some noise atleast.
And most of all please be safe. I hope whatever the outcome your interests are protected.
everydayisHalloween ( new member #83523) posted at 12:04 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023
Please let the OBS know what has been going on! He deserves to know and she shouldn’t get away with it. My husband had a FWB at work. She was engaged and I sure as heck let her fiancé know. She got kicked out of her home, had her car taken (it was paid for by her fiancé) and lost her job. (She was doing the rounds at work and pissed a lot of people off) He had his suspicions, but until I told him he had no proof. He was very thankful to me for saving him from marrying Sally Roundheels! Your OBS deserves to be happy and make informed choices about his life. Do him a favor.
[This message edited by everydayisHalloween at 9:04 AM, Wednesday, August 30th]
"Keep your eyes to the sky, never glued to your shoes" Mac Miller
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 12:42 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023
Hi Sad. I think your instincts are spot on. He broke up with her to avoid embarrassment and public exposure. She is the pursuer and she will reappear in the future. What do we know from your description of your WH: he’s a cake eater who likes the attention and ego kibbles. Can you say that when things quiet down he won’t want more cake? Take care of you. Continue with your plan to confront. If he says he broke up with her and it was meaningless, have him send her a no contact letter you approve. Please inform her OBS. Watch his actions, not his words. Good luck.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:21 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023
He is so delusional that he thinks if he just stays quiet, he can rug sweep this, and nothing will come up. I hope you have all your ducks in a row.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:22 AM on Saturday, September 2nd, 2023
Hi OP, Just checking to see that you are ok. Hope you are well and safe.
Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:42 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023
Hope you were able to stay strong and confront him.
fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.
cdagal ( member #38154) posted at 6:56 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023
Even on the off chance that he ended it with her, he has shown you who he is - a lying, cheating, manipulative cake eating asshat.
Why would you want to stay with him?
My XH was having an affair with an old flame. I discovered it. I gave him one opportunity to admit it. He did. I told him that from that moment, our marriage was over. No discussion, no negotiation. I was scared shitless but my self respect far outweighed my fear.
That was 13 years ago. I never looked back. I have been single ever since. Should I be lucky enough to find someone who respects me as much as I respect myself, who knows what the future holds.
Love yourself. You are worth it!
There is no education like adversity - Disraeli
FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 12:55 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023
Love and financial security are great motivators to try to R. We can't make their decisions for them, we can only be here if, and when, they need us.
Sick2Death ( new member #24681) posted at 10:12 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023
How are you doing Sad? Check in when you can.
BS Me 52 WH 54 Married 28 years
sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 2:02 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
Thank you for checking in. Still no conversation as I plan next steps legally. I have my plan and am sticking to it. It is hard, and I feel dead inside sometimes. Right now he is anxious to please me because he is nervous and wants to stay married and knows I know.
The APs husband is now suspicious/ on to the affair. After the breakup, my WH said they should only message if they need to - Meaning only if the OBS figures it out. They are nervous that the OBS and I will talk. They know I am the only one with hard evidence, and that makes her very nervous. So my WH wants it to go away, and she is desperately trying to stay in touch. She pried the door open and he allowed it. I already caught messages from her after he broke up with her. No visibility into what they are talking about, but they have not seen each other in over 2 months. That said, any communication is unacceptable so there we have it. He thinks I am rugsweeping but I think he also knows I’ll eventually bring the hammer down. I will have the conversation on my timeline. Have not yet contacted OBS as per my lawyer’s instructions but I will. I remain in limbo, but surviving. Emotionally detaching. I have to be willing to walk away and I am almost there. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.
FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 2:31 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
I'm sorry you're still going through this. You are so strong and you will be ok. Hang in there.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:28 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
How does your husband know you know and is just staying silent? Like maybe his betrayal will just be swept under the rug?
I'm still worried about your mental health, you're living in the middle of a nightmare for months and seemingly no resolution yet.
Sad, IMO, you need to get OUT of infidelity asap. No matter the outcome. The continued stress can't be good for your mental AND physical health.
His actions can't change whether you wait a week or a month in this charade.
What's your attorney's reasoning behind not informing the OBS?
Sick2Death ( new member #24681) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing. You feel emotionally dead because you have detached yourself as a natural protection mechanism. Are you seeing your IC regularly?
We can all provide our advice but you have to do what’s best for you and your situation. Hopefully you have stored your actual proof in a safe place.
You eventually will find yourself on the other side of this nightmare. Take good care of yourself.
BS Me 52 WH 54 Married 28 years
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:32 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
Sad, I know you're not happy, but that is the nature of the beast. Being betrayed is a terrible experience.
I think, however, that you've made some great progress. You're using your power. You're making decisions with an eye to acting in your own best interests. You're showing you know, deep down, that you can live a good life even without your H.
My wish for you is that you hang in with us, heal, survive, and thrive. You're on the right path.
(((sadincolorado))) - a hug, if you want one. And if you want more virtual hugs, just ask.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 1:25 AM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023
Thinking about you sad,
Just know you have people who do care about you here. Please take care of yourself. Sending positive vibes and lots of hugs your way.
Me: BS Him: WHDDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3mos, PA 1 month)DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk), Reconciling and doing well
Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 7:06 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023
OP, please stay safe. He knows you have evidence and is desperate to keep his good image, so does his AP. Make sure you check in with a friend or your lawyer daily. Please get out of this situation as soon as you can. Wishing you lots of strength .
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:12 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023
How does your husband know you know
This is my question as well. Why do you think he knows you know? His decision to back off from the affair could simply be out of guilt,or he's losing interest in her.
He may suspect you know. In that case, you need to be careful. Delete SI from your internet history. Delete it from your Google account. Delete any calls to your attorney.
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you..
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you