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Newest Member: Isthereapoint

Just Found Out :
Horrible devastating update....I am devastated


annb ( member #22386) posted at 5:05 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Hi, sad, can't you just rent a small apartment which could be temporary housing for you until you can get the entirety of your life back in order?

The anger and frustration and sadness you are feeling are taking a toll on your emotional and physical health.

It's been two months, what's stopping you from confrontation? Your WH and AP are still communicating and it seems laying low temporarily until they feel comfortable again. What about informing the other betrayed spouse and coming up with a solid plan of action?

Sorry if I missed something, I haven't read through every post.

posts: 11966   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8804596

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 6:23 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Hi annb, I have to wait a few weeks before I can rent. I live in an area where seasonal rentals are prohibitively expensive until Oct 1st, then they re-price and drop off for a few months. I have my eye on 2 buildings. I have no furniture, so I would have to start pulling stuff from the house. It will be traumatic to leave home, but this home is feeling less and less like home to me. What is stopping me is fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of this really being over for good. Fear that he will be happy when I am gone. I know he still wants our marriage, because it is comfortable etc. but I know he wants his cake too and this witch of an AP is relentless. In my heart, I don't really know what he would choose to do when I tell him I am leaving. A year ago I could have answered that question but so much has gone on behind my back over the past 8 months.

Also, now that I have known for 2 months and behaved in an increasingly moody manner, I want to walk out with my head held high, from a place of strength - not as the person I have become. He is leaving for a work trip tomorrow so I will get a break soon. I am counting down the days.

But everyone is right - it is now taking a toll on me. I have been very strong but starting to weaken, just because I am around him all the time and he sickens me and is a stranger. I still don't have the OBS direct contact info, but I have spoken with a firm that will be able to get it for me. I just recently confirmed where he works, so I can call him there, I suppose.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804606

josiep ( member #58593) posted at 4:58 PM on Thursday, August 17th, 2023

I realize you're very close to C and I join with those who admire your strength and your level-headed approach to the situation. It's unfair, to say the least, and incredibly scary. Whatever else you do in life, you'll be good at it because (and please forgive me for the expression and know I don't mean it in a religious way at all) you've been what the old phrase used to say "you've been baptized by fire."

But as I read the story and posts, I thought of something really fun so I thought I'd share it, hoping it gets your mind off the awfulness and maybe even make you smile.

How about you turn the tables on him? Since he's out of town, be breathless when you answer the phone and play a recording with a man's voice in the background. Send him a text about "Oh, baby, I just can't wait for tonight. What time are you picking me up? Can you come a little earlier? Hint, hint." And when he asks about it, be aghast that you sent it to him and meant to send it to your friend who asked for your help in thinking up a good line to send to her date. Put some things on social media (if you use it and if he could see it or has a friend who might tell him about it) that hint at a new satisfying interest in your life?

Then maybe text him about how much you miss the intimate moments with him and how you're just lying there wishing he was there and thinking you're going to order a sex toy to replace what you miss so much, maybe that will help your mood swings of late.

Play with his mind a little. Charge something really expensive on a credit card that he might see. Delta Airlines has a 24 hr. cancelation period so buy a ticket to Paris or Key West or somewhere. (Just be sure to cancel within your 24 hr. window). Add a hotel and maybe some lingerie.

So many ways you can let your imagination go wild, dreaming up ways to make him believe you're stepping out on him for someone better. Someone with more money and a really big magic wand.

Last but not least, when you talk to your attorney, ask if you can force him to move out during the separation part of your divorce process? It might not matter that the house was his before your marriage. This happened to my daughter and she was able to stay in the home until their divorce and he had to leave. That gave her time to figure out where to go and to get organized and packed up, etc.

BW, was 67; now 73; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3231   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8804695

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 11:16 PM on Thursday, August 17th, 2023

Well josisep, that actually made me laugh! had not thought of that approach, hey I am willing to try anything. In all seriousness, he would probably not even notice because he is so self-centered, but you never know. I do have to travel for work in a few weeks so I could always add some mystery. Or just some good old 180.

As for the lawyer and the house, I will ask, that is helpful. My lawyer has been really hard to get a hold of, which is really frustrating. I have a list of questions that are still unanswered, so I need to call again. I have celled 2x this week to no avail. I guess lawyers are busy, but if this is her cadence, then I may need to find a new lawyer.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804747

Newenglandmom ( new member #79495) posted at 12:24 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

Sad, I have been following your situation. Are you 100 percent sure she isn’t going on this trip? He has already asked you and you said no. Wouldn’t that be a perfect situation for her to go? Especially since they haven’t seen each other for a couple weeks. I think I would surprise him.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: USAa
id 8804751

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 12:53 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

Hi newenglandmom. Very good question...I am very sure is not going, she could never get away with it with her husband. I get the sense he is kind of on top of her schedule as well. Also, both of our schedules changed and now I am going to meet him the day after he goes so there is no way she is going. He asked me several times, and I finally gave in. (I know, weak)

That said, they are still talking and texting every day and plotting etc..who even knows what they are plotting, I am almost glad I can't hear it all. I only get a scrap of what they are up to communication-wise, but I can tell you they are like 2 teenagers. This is after he just told me today that this has been our best week together in a long time. He (had) also planned to see her today but could not get away from work. He seems nicer to her on the phone in a way that he is not with me. I think they just think this is fun and exciting/fantasy. I am moving up my confrontation timeline, I need to leave - he is a really really bad guy. He is kind of lying to her, and he is definitely lying to me. Hopefully I will have no feelings left by then and I can C and then walk out the door and not look back - without fear.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804753

annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:44 PM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

He asked me several times, and I finally gave in. (I know, weak)

^^^A word of caution, please be careful. If you are really planning on leaving, you are going to reconnect and your emotional health is just going to tank further. More than likely your WH will still be communicating with OW on this trip, just think about how that's going to make you feel while you are enjoying a mini vacay with him.

You've come so far, have you discussed this with your IC? Dealing with infidelity is being on an emotional roller coaster, I just hate to see you fall down the rabbit hole further.

We all understand you still love your husband, perhaps you should have confronted him long ago, he just might have dropped OW like a hot potato where you could have a chance at R depending on his actions or lack of action.

posts: 11966   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8804785

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 9:13 PM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

hi annb, you are correct there is some risk to going down the rabbit hole and traveling with him. part of me agreed to go because of wanting to exert control, being flattered that he wanted me there, and partly because I was going to be near his worksite anyway due to my own work. I did discuss with the IC and she has me armed with some coping skills. I can get though a few days, hopefully.

And you are right, it may have been easier to just confront a while back, and get an answer once and for all. But I am still feeling like I needed this time to process, discover, observe and feel like I had some sense of what I was dealing with. And make my plan. (I have started to quietly start getting my personal stuff out of our house) I know that having taken the time to gather (as painful as it has been) will help me be stronger and more resolute when I confront.

And also, I won't fall for the lies because I know the truth. If I had confronted even 4 weeks ago, I would not have had the full understanding of how big a problem this is....I was still in the dark a little bit and now I feel like I have enough intel on what has transpired and what I am up against. If I had confronted a month ago, I might have fallen for some of the lies, because I am sure he is either going to A) lie/deny/minimize or B)agree that we should part ways, but make it my fault. I have come this far, I am almost there.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804932

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 6:48 AM on Saturday, August 19th, 2023

IMO he is not going to want to let you go and he is going to fight for you. I think the strongest thing you can do to really make a statement is NOT to confront him. Just get your stuff out and go. You can make sure there is some way for him to contact you. Even if you don't, I feel he will figure out a way. I don't think you realize you have the upper hand here. Wait until he's gone somewhere and move all your stuff out. Don't even leave a note.

Confronting will make you feel better for a bit, but doing it this way will knock him for a loop and make him see you in a whole new light.

posts: 163   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8804969

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 2:20 PM on Saturday, August 19th, 2023

Hi FunHouseMirror, I hope you are right. Some days I think he will fight for this and others I think he'll be happy I am gone. Obviously without confrontation I can't read his mind, but I don't think he is willing to toss in the towel completely (yet).

I actually like your idea of just leaving and leaving a note stating that I am not comfortable or safe living with him anymore and leave it at that. I have a lot of work travel next month and so does he. I could use that window as my off ramp and see what happens. By then I will have a place to stay. I know what is NOT working to make him want to stay - being clingy and surveilling him. Right now he has zero fear of losing me. I need to do more 180. Although every time I try 180, he starts talking to me a lot. Go figure.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804972

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 4:50 PM on Saturday, August 19th, 2023

Hi sadincolorado:

I’m sure someone has probably mentioned this already, but let me reiterate:

Your WH is a classic cake eater. He is currently enjoying the ego strokes and attention from two women, while lying to both. It’s not about love for the AP. It’s not about losing attraction to you. It’s all about feeding his ego. Completely selfish. When you confront him, my prediction is that he will dump his AP to maintain his fraudulent facade for public consumption. But his need for outside validation and ego strokes from other women will not magically disappear. Unless he really does some soul searching and work on himself, based on what you have shared he is likely to do this again in the future. At least that is my take. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3671   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8804977

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, August 19th, 2023

Thank you for your support fareast, I tend to agree with you. He likes having me as the wife that he can bring around in public and have people think he has 'done well' and is normal, while he has the slutty OW to provide something for his depraved side or some other mental issue he has. I agree he will do this in the future as well. It is a personality defect. I just need to get through this tough period and hit the crossroads and decide. Once I do it, I want take it back, which is why I am moving carefully. Maybe too slowly, but each day I get closer.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8804979

Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 6:53 PM on Saturday, August 19th, 2023

FunHouseMirror is right, make a strong statement by just leaving. Discard him. No questions asked, no explanation . Leave the divorce papers when he comes back from a trip. Don’t stroke his ego by confronting him or demanding explanations.

One such case comes to mind for me, the BS planned for six months to C, waited for her WH to go on a trip with the AP. Waited till he had a day or two to enjoy. Sent him flowers with a loving pic of the husband and wife when they visited the same place to show the WH that she knows where he is. He got a notification about a 10 K charge for the lawyer before he got the bouquet. He texted her and she just had a one line response " hope she was worth it". He got the bouquet later and apparently blew her cell phone with texts and calls. She turned off her cell phone. He came back with his tail between his legs. AP dropped like a hot potato. He blindsided her with the affair and she blindsided him with the confrontation. They are back together.

Take the power back from him to hurt you. Let him be the one to beg, plead or simply F off from your life. If you want to salvage the marriage, make him work for it.

You are not weak at all. I am in awe for how strong you have been all along.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8804980

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 6:12 PM on Monday, August 21st, 2023

Thank you everyone this is the most supportive community and it helping me more than you all know. I decided to run an experiment yesterday, meaning just try to relax and which was hard! I gave him space, and we did a few nice activities together. (I still can't stand him) He even told me what a great weekend it was.

Yet I checked his messages on Monday and the first thing he does is tell her that it was a 'rough weekend with me'. She had wanted to hear more from him yesterday via text I guess. He was busy with me, but he also had plenty of time to text her, which he did not. So he is lying to her. She also sends him sexually suggestive texts, some of which I am now seeing. So it looks like 90% of what they discuss is a) complain and ask about spouses b) she sends texts that allude to sex c) she is definitely more the pursuer-er. So I am back thinking that he is just cake-eating. She offers herself up to him and she paints her marriage as a stressful hell. So he complains about me, probably to justify their actions.

Calling lawyer today (again) and moving a few things into boxes so I can get them out quickly when I have a moment. I am having hard time with this lawyer, and may get a new one, as this one is terrible about communicating. I am not rushing this, as I have come this far. But I am getting ready. I have told another family member. I am slowly building my exit and support plan. Slower than I would have wanted, but still each brick I put into place is helping me feel more control. Its going to be expensive to get out of this, which seems so unfair.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8805114

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 9:03 PM on Monday, August 21st, 2023

Sorry you are having trouble communicating with your attorney. Adds to your stress. I think you see as the dynamics of the situation play out, once you confront and express a desire to D, the AP is going to really up the pressure for him to commit to her. She is the pursuer after all. He is going to be in a bind to put up or shut up. Talk to your attorney about your priorities in the D. What is your bottom line. He may be willing to settle quickly to avoid unnecessary public exposure. The potential for embarrassment is an arrow in your quiver to get the best D possible. Know his weak spots. What does he value that you would be willing to give in an agreement? What would entice him to sign a quick D settlement agreement. Others have been in a similar situation as you, able to observe ongoing texts and communications between WS and AP, and obtain positive D agreement terms upon confrontation. Just a thought.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3671   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8805136

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 11:22 PM on Tuesday, August 22nd, 2023

Don't take him back without a post-nup AND a written plan that he comes up with in order to fix this and to avoid this ever happening again. I still really feel that he will try to "repair this" with you, so be ready with your list of what needs to happen; both your negotiable and non-negotiables.

Of course, also be prepared it doesn't go as planned, so that you can get the best divorce terms possible.

posts: 163   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8805225

Gunnut ( member #63221) posted at 3:56 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2023

I think you should take less to heart concerning what your WH says or, writes to his AP. All you know for sure about your WH is that he’s a liar and a cheater. Chances are he’s lying to her too, to keep the sex and ego boost going.

He has to paint you in a horrible light, because if you’re not the despicable one, then he is. Cheaters rewrite the history of the marriage in order to feel better about their horrid acts.

posts: 431   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2018   ·   location: Minnesota
id 8805286

annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:42 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2023

He has to paint you in a horrible light, because if you’re not the despicable one, then he is. Cheaters rewrite the history of the marriage in order to feel better about their horrid acts.


I was able to retrieve some emails my WH sent to OW, in one he called me a beatch because I was tired and cranky. I had just finished four exams right before the Christmas holidays, working part-time, raising three kids taking them to all activities, cleaning, cooking, shopping for gifts, taking care of all the bills, and on top of it all his mother was visiting us for Christmas. Very stressed and ONE day I decided to just lay down on the couch when his mother was here and not join them to look at Christmas lights, and he tells OW that his mother got a chance to see what a real beatch I was.

You cannot make this sh*t up. Complaining about the spouse makes them feel good and gives them some sort of justification for their despicable actions AND possibly giving an OW/OM some hope that the WS will leave that horrible human being they married. rolleyes

Meanwhile, my WH was traveling for work, staying in four star hotels, dining in great restaurants, having adult conversations, participating in his hobby weekly and sleeping like a freaking baby.

posts: 11966   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8805337

brokenInDenver ( member #71262) posted at 2:58 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

I just read through your story. Two months of knowing without talking about it... I honestly don't know how you're holding it together. I sincerely admire your fortitude! I think I am maybe 3% as strong as you. Your husband sounds like a typical cheater looking to his AP for kibbles. It does NOT sound like he genuinely loves her... which truly makes him an idiot for what he's doing to you and your marriage. He will come to regret this... probably 30 seconds after you leave him... and for the rest of his life. His fault.

What is your timeline now for C? Are you just going to tell him you know and then leave or do you think you want to discuss it and see how he reacts? If you are 100% sure you want to D, have you considered just leaving him? just being gone one day and leave a brief note saying you know about 'her' along with a letter from the lawyer on the table stating your intention to divorce?

Regardless, I'm so very sorry your husband put you in this situation. Its just not fair. I'm so sorry.

BS (me) early 50s. WW late 40s. Two step-kids, no children of our own. Still married

posts: 148   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Colorado
id 8805800

 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 7:42 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

Update. I have quietly been gathering evidence, planning to confront now that I finally have a good lawyer. I have been scared that he was planning to run away with her. He still might be for all I know.

But he broke up with the AP yesterday – I had not yet had any confrontation with WH. He realized that I know about the A, and he ended it with her. He does not know that I know any of this.

I overheard the breakup call. They don’t want this going public. WH said it was best for them to move on with minimal to no contact. During the breakup call, she was desperately trying to find ways to stay connected. She is unhappily married, to an already suspicious husband. I suspect she will resurface. In fact, she did call him briefly today with some lame excuse and he actually picked up for 5 minutes, but it was strained.

I don’t think this means he chose our marriage, rather I think he chose the path of less drama. But I think this might mean that they were not really planning to run away together. I am still planning to confront. Otherwise, he has no consequences.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8805835
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