If I can just treat this like a roommate situation for the next few weeks, I will survive. I have no idea where I am going to live, as I can't afford anything which is an issue. I am stuck fora bit. The lawyer told me to not do anything rash, that I need to trust my own emotions.
In house separation is hard. I did it for several years and don't recommend doing it for longer than you have to. But, the lawyer was right - do not do anything rash now.
In fact, what you should be doing is making yourself Plan A. What I mean by that is to start planning for your future without your WH IN CASE you decide to leave. The biggest mistake I made was not planning to leave sooner, which in my case was largely related to financial issues. Because I stayed at our home, stewing in misery while the A was ongoing, alternating between being sad and angry, and occasionally playing the pick me game, I wasted time that I could have been putting myself in a better position to leave if I wanted to. I did this, subconsciously I think, because I felt like if I started planning to leave that I had "given up" or that my WH and the AP had somehow "won" and I had "lost." This was a HUGE mistake of mine.
You can (and should) always have a plan in case you end up on your own, even IF you are not stuck in this infidelity nightmare. My Dad always told me to be sure I could take care of myself, and he was right. I think because I was so focused on my WH and all of his lies (much like you are now) I forgot about ME. There is NOTHING stopping you from assessing your situation and making an exit plan, be it saving money, looking for a better job/new job, researching the cost of living without your WH, etc. Don't be me. I waited to really plan in earnest until I had finally decided I had enough and needed to get away from my WH as it was "clear" he had no intention of changing.
My WH's A went underground after d-day 1 - for a year - so I had a year of false R until I caught him again, then he stopped for like 3 months and went back a third time, and I caught him again 2 months later. It was between d-day 2 and d-day 3 that I decided I needed to leave him. So from the start of the A in 5/2017 and d-day 1 in 10/17, through a month before d-day 3, which was around 3/2019, I had done nothing to put myself in a position to leave if I wanted to. By the time I officially caught him again in 4/19 I just wanted to get away from him - I had enough, but financially I couldn't just up and leave. Moreover, I had actually done stupid things in 2018, relying on his claims he was not involved in the A anymore, and had paid down some bills instead of putting that money aside so I could move. So, when I decided to leave, only then did I start making a plan - regarding where I would move, and how much it would cost, and how long it would take me to save what I needed. It took me almost a year to do it, leaving me in an "in house separation" situation for all that time. I then got caught in COVID lockdown just when I planned to leave, so I was stuck for even longer.
I am not telling you that you have to leave him. I am not telling you that you cannot be sad, upset, depressed, angry, half-crazy, etc about your situation. I am telling you that making a plan and starting to put it into action WILL make you feel better, especially down the road. You cannot control your WS. I have no idea if you left your WH, if he would react like mine and finally realize he is really messed up inside, decide to figure out why and fix his shit, do a lot of work on himself in IC and on his own, and decide to try to put in the work to get you to come back (and to be a better person generally), or if your WS would let you walk away and never look back. There is no magic formula that can give a WS that light bulb moment that they are the problem and they are also the solution and then actually do something about it. There is no formula for making someone else change.
What I am telling you is that the best thing you can do for yourself is to spend some of your energy on YOU. Work on giving yourself options. The lawyer did give you helpful information - information essential for you to start planning. Lawyers are not that non-existent magic pill I referenced above. Heck, I am a lawyer, and I knew my situation without needing to talk with one, and I still wasted over a year of my life not preparing for a potential life without my WH and instead hoping that my situation would resolve, that my WH would go back to being the pre-A person I thought he was, and that we would continue on together. In other words, I lived on hopium alone for way too long.
It's okay to hope, my friend, that things work out. It's normal even. But don't be me and let hopium undermine you. You can do both: hope for the best and prepare for the "worst." However, if your situation mirrors mine going forward, you may find that what you thought was the worst is actually a lot better than what you had before.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:55 PM, Wednesday, July 26th]