SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you everyone for reminding me to stay in control and not to lose it. That is the only thing I am glad about - if I had lost it I would have regretted it. The control enables me to plot and get ready to take control when I ask for D.

Also it allows me to observe. Now that I am in observe mode, I am noticing things. He is much less affectionate with me than he used to be. I reach for him and he treats me more like a sister. It’s so depressing. He used to be all over me. Yet last night at an event he made a speech and included me in the speech as such an important part of his life. So she is his fantasy and where his lust and affection and happiness resides, and I am his steadfast partner. The one who helps his kids, the one who is friends with his friends, the one who pays half the bills, the one who makes him look good in public. The one he comes home to every night and spends every weekend with. I feel hollow. I feel like I am living in a suspended reality. And last night at the event all I could think was ‘how many of these other men at the table of people have had affairs?’ Am I the only one suffering?

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:05 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

Two things of note.

I’m sorry you had to endure that speech b/c it just shows how much of a cheating liar he is. I would have been as upset as you were.

Second at the first "aggressive" email from the OW your H could have shut it down. But he didn’t. He loved the ego boost. He loved the attention. He loved the "high" he got from it.

He is at fault - whether he will admit it is another story. He can stand behind the lie he tells himself is “it just happened” or he can man up and admit he encouraged it.

I hope you have some counseling for yourself. And I do agree that on some cases there are people who choose their spouse b/c they are trusting and willing to believe in them OR they figure it out during the marriage that they can get away with cheating.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:42 PM, Saturday, July 22nd]

I just wanted to jump in real quick and remind you what a bad ass you are!! Sitting on this info and biding your time for the right moment is absolutely rockstar status dear lady. Also - you ARE WORTHY of everything you want from a man - fidelity, yep you are worth that; happiness? DEFINITELY! Compassion, kindness, respect? ABSOLUTELY! Affection and attention? HELL YES. The man you’re married to is a snake oil salesman, as fake as they come. You mention sitting at that event and looking around wondering how many men there has cheated. I googled the stats on infidelity. Not sure the poll date or the sample demographic on survey participants - but the result was staggering. 57% of men surveyed overall admitted to committing infidelity at some point in their lives. (I have the site if anyone wants to see the data to verify validity.) I was NOT expecting that high of a number - I know divorce rate was at 50% for 1st marriages, 60-70% for 2nd and 3rd marriages - but not sure how accurate that is either. NEVERTHELESS- chances are pretty high that you were sitting at a table where your WH wasn’t the only person who had been unfaithful to their partner. And the fact that your WH could speak so glowingly of you is just ridiculous. You sound like a very amazing woman, but his words are empty. He’s fully engaged in an illicit affair YET he’s able to have his head screwed on straight enough to lift you up and sing your praises, tell the whole world how important you are to him. I believe that he truly believes that you are important to him - but only for his image. So that others can see what a loyal, steadfast, honorable, faithful partner he is to you. I mean how could anyone not believe it at this point? Your presence at the event is a signal to everyone that all is right in your world. Your attendance was the support he needed to sell these people a big bag of nothing. He’s clever I’ll give him that. But not clever enough to know that you’re onto him and OW. Keep laying out your plans / gathering your intel, observing and monitoring his actions. He’s trying to go underground because he suspects you’re suspicious. That’s fine - this wayward and his co-conspirator will soon want to come out from under the rock and see the light of day. So just keep waiting, keep watching, observing, take notes, screenshots, photos for your growing evidence pile. You may need all of it - or you may need none of it. Right now continue to practice self care - I know this has to be excruciatingly painful. If you need to vent, rage, offload all your emotions, come here to do it!!! We’re here for you!! Hang in there Sad - you got this!!!

I did want to add - I didn’t have the luxury of finding all the evidence of my WH 2012 A until after Dday and after a huge massive blow up that got him arrested and actually led us to decide to reconcile. It wasn’t until after all that that I found all the evidence. She went batshit crazy when he broke it off w her and went NC. I actually had a conversation with her when I was in possession of his phone while he was sitting in a jail cell. I called her from his phone and thinking it was my H she was ecstatic - then you could almost hear the air deflate when she realized it was me instead. We had a very nice one sided conversation where I told her I was going to blow up her world. I had all the x rated texts, photos, fantasy stories, confessions- a treasure trove. She was married at the time - and after I hung up w her I called the OBS. But he wasn’t the least bit shocked - he actually had a clue what she was up to a month before. He told me he wasn’t interested in the evidence I had - he was heading straight to divorce. Good on him. He did just that. I wanted to disseminate all this info - put it on a public website or something. Out of revenge of course. However I did have a moment of lucidity and thought of her two young daughters and how it might affect them. She didn’t give a shit about our kids - our family - so why did I give a shit about hers? Because I have a conscience and I’m a good person. I’m not an A/hole. The fact that she knew I had all this - and demanded it back. No ma’am - sorry - the phones were in MY name so therefore the phone and whatever was on it was MY property. She was scared shitless - tried to bargain with me. Then she went truly batshit crazy and started to stalk me and my son. We actually had to move across country to get away from her. I don’t even know if I still have that stuff. It’s been 11 years. But I can tell you she steers clear of us. You wondered if the OW knowing you had a evidence to prove the A would it scare her enough to back off - it’s tricky. Cheaters know how to go underground real quick. So I’m not sure her knowing you have this info will help you reconcile this marriage. I don’t know in my case either because the A had already been exposed to everyone before I had a chance to pull that trigger and release this info to her H. You seem to have a solid plan in place - stick to your plans. Stay strong!! We’re here for you!!

Lot of peace and strength SIC. You got this !

You realize that speech is totally bullshit too.
He is an actor. He probably has no clue what he actually feels or what real love means. He has acted so long he has a false narrative of everything. He is a clown that doesn't realize he is a clown.
Stop listening to his words. Anyone can say pretty words. Watch his actions. Those will tell you exactly who he is. Even if does not know.

I love you all. You have given me the only safe space to talk about this. So tonight I was triggered. I lost my shit. I said I did not trust him. Not good. He was totally defensive - he did not comfort me. Gaslighting. Good to know he will be non remorseful when i serve him D. That said, he’s been texting with her. another I love you. So basically I am the annoying dutiful wife and she is the fantasy. I can’t compete. I will lose. he loves her more than me. I am just in their way.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:06 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

Gonna be blunt, but I mean well:

Of course you can’t compete with a fantasy. Who can? Mind you that they cheated with each other while in different relationships, so this is now beyond you.

They’re just sadistic enough to bring others into their fuckfest.

So once you get everything organized legally, cut the ropes completely. Give yourself time to cry, be angry, all of it. And then throw this fish back into the sea. Something tells me it’s a cycle with these two. There’s no way you want to be a part of that messy triangle.

Hang in there ((hugs))

I’d like to clarify something for you.

This OW is just the flavor of the moment. He does not "love"her. She is just his current OW. She’s not special — she’s just available.

Typically once the OW moves into being his main girlfriend or wife, the fun and thrill of the relationship wears off. She’s not his schmoopie any longer. He’s then in the move for the next OW.

Here is a true story about a big corporate exec who cheated on his wife with his secretary. He eventually D the wife and married the OW/secretary.

The 2nd wife was a nightmare. She was controlling (b/c she knew he could cheat on her). She was very very high maintenance b/c after all, she had to look great at all times b/c she didn’t want him to cheat on her. She spent money like she was a billionaire.

His kids hated her. She was an alcoholic. She controlled his entire life. He was MISERABLE but would never admit it b/c he needed to save face.

He couldn’t face his kids b/c they merely tolerated him. He realized he made a mess of his life and his kids’ lives.

So that is where so many cheaters end up. With regret and stuck in a bad situation that they created.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:51 AM, Sunday, July 23rd]

I will not go down in hysteria. But I can tell he is just done with me. It is like living with a brother. He never reaches for me, no intimacy. We are having morning coffee as if all is normal with the world. And he just referenced our next vacation. I don’t understand how he is texting someone else that he loves her (while in my presence) and then talks to me about a vacation in the same hour. This is a living nightmare. I just want her to go away.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:07 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

SadinCO

I am so sorry for you. That is the typical cheater mindset - it’s ok with their behavior b/c there is nothing wrong here. They believe they have everyone fooled. And hey, no one will find out about their affair and the cheater believes they are not hurting anyone!!! And don’t forget the “I deserve to be happy” mindset many cheaters adopt too.

I had to watch as my H flaunted his affair in my face AND was planning to D me. He was going to sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after with the OW.

Except I was smarter than him. And I had my exit strategy ready to go just in case. I didn’t want a D and I did the pick me dance for months. But in the back of my mind I knew I needed to be prepared.

In your case your H isn’t talking D. But he’s focused on the OW. The reason there is no romance between you is b/c (in his mind) he doesn’t want to cheat on the OW. I know that sounds crazy but that’s the mindset of a cheater.

My H was talking about plans months ahead too while actively cheating and telling me he wants a D. Of course I called him on it. But it made no sense. Until I realized that some days I was his true love 💕 and then a few days later I was his enemy.

Stupidly I was waiting for my H to "decide what he wanted". Big mistake! Dday2 I decided what I needed and made some serious changes in my life. Best thing I ever did was put myself first.

Have a plan. Be ready for anything. Your goal is to get out from living under the cloud of infidelity.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:26 PM, Sunday, July 23rd]

I just saw this thread. I am very sorry that you are here and I certainly understand how difficult of a situation you are in. It hurts. Please know, without a doubt, this has nothing to do with you. It’s all about your husband, he brought this into your marriage.

A couple of thoughts coming from personal experience. My ex had a five-year affair. He lived in two different worlds, that is how good his compartmentalizing was. He would see her 2 to 3 days a week, and I thought he was working. He would go have his time with her and then come back to his family. Five years. It was like the worlds did not overlap.

He also would take phone calls and texts from home with her. All the time.

The ability to compartmentalize enables cheaters. It was just normal for him - the two worlds were not that connected.

I lived in the world where there was bills, tough teenagers, chores, etc. The real world was where there was problems and challenges. The world he had with her was bliss and happiness. Fun, sex, adoration, Love and play. How can we compete with a world that is unrealistic And Just in their heads. The answer is we can’t.

I think you’re doing a great job. When the time is right, tell him you want to divorce give him one day to decide if he’s gonna stay or go. Don’t discuss it, walk out of the room after you give him the ultimatum. Make him choose. He should understand that that will lose everything. And please Take his phone away for the conversation. Immediately afterwards, call her husband and out her.

If he doesn’t decide within the timeframe, file for divorce. Not deciding is a choice too.

If you want to reconcile or think you want to, you need to know what that means for you, and communicate that to him. There’s lots of really good information on reconciliation here.

Neither divorce or reconciliation is easy. They’re both challenging roads.

I wish you the best, you really really are doing amazing.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 3:56 PM, Sunday, July 23rd]

I thought I was going to be able to keep my cool, but not sure how much longer. I am starting to fray at the edges. He is texting with her when he is with me, like in the same room as me. He just can’t stay away. Why doesn’t he just leave me? If she is that great why has he not made a plan to leave? He could be so much happier with her.

He won’t pull the trigger b/c he is a cake eater. You can do the laundry and keep the house and all that. She can feed his endless pit of validation. And he cares about his image- so he wants you to be the bad guy. Fine, whatever. So superficial.

Are you in IC? have you shared with anyone IRL? It might be really really helpful to have another outlet in addition to SI.

I totally resonated with you losing it while drinking. I found I could not drink - it lowered my guard just enough to let loose when I shouldn’t. (I also started drinking too much— watch out of that. It did NOT help.).

And it feels like you are losing to her. But the truth is that you will be winning an authentic, honest, peaceful life with room for a real honest relationship. And those two are the booby prizes and deserve each other. Two losers without moral code or trust. I know you can’t see this yet- but trust us. With some time/distance you will see this. YOU are the PRIZE.

Keep moving to D. Get the ball rolling. You are really doing great and are an amazing badass!

I could ramble on about this, and that, but from everything you write, he’s a creep. There’s nothing wonderful about him. He may be the most handsome, the best built, the best dresser, the most charming, but underneath it all he’s a creep. He and this woman get off playing the triangle. The fun part of it is they do it right in front of you and you’re not supposed to notice. There was a woman here, whose husband was having an affair with their next-door neighbor. She and her husband had moved across the ocean to Europe to have a great life and while she worked, and he rebuilt the house they lived in, he began the affair, and the most fun part to them was screwing in the room next to where she was. It was so sick. By the time she found out and realized what was going on, she nearly had a nervous break down. Don’t let yourself get that far. Get your ducks in a row and get the hell away from him.

I hope you are all right, I can’t see the positive end for me. He has been my everything, I will be out in the cold and have to rebuild my life, which scares the hell out of me. Starting over scares me. I am late 50s. But living like this is probably worse. I just don’t understand why he does not just say to me, ‘ hey this is not working out and I want to separate’ I wish I knew what he was planning with the other whore. I hate them both. I know she would jump at the chance to be with him in real life, but not sure he feels the same. I can’t see his text messages as much as I want to. I am talking to divorce lawyer tomorrow so I will have my options. I know now that he is not going to be the kind of guy who R. I wish he was. But I know in my heart that he is not. I am also trying to figure out who to talk to about this - my friends will all tell me to D. I still need to be in denial for a bit. I don’t know who to trust. I know his friends would be furious with him if they knew.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:10 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

I would pick one friend, maybe one who isn't connected to your everyday group of friends, to confide in. If you're worried about her being #TeamDivorce, then start out by telling her that you just need her to listen and not talk about divorce right now. You need and deserve support, and I'm sure you have friends who would like to be that for you.

I just don’t understand why he does not just say to me, ‘ hey this is not working out and I want to separate’

Think of how many people cheat. Unfortunately, it's a lot of people! They're generally not doing it because they wish they could replace the old ball and chain with the AP. They're doing it because sneaking around is fun. Having both is fun. They don't want the AP full time . . . they probably don't even want a "real life" relationship with them at all (though there are some exceptions, of course). They just like to imagine that having a real life relationship would be fun. It's all about fantasy and escape. It's not about real life.

We'll be thinking about you on your lawyer visit tomorrow. I hope it's someone who gives you a good feeling and that's one thing you can feel more certain about. Maybe this time of knowing before you confront is what you needed to build up your strength and momentum. It's not something that we all get . . . I would trust in the universe that it's giving you this time for a reason.

You want to know WHY he won’t say this isn’t working out and we should D?

Because he’s a coward.

Because he thinks he’s pulling something over on you and getting away with it.

Because if you D him (or you initiate the D) then he can play the victim. He can tell everyone "my wife wanted the D, not me".

Because he wants YOU to do all the hard work to end the marriage.

I hope you live in a state where you can sue the OW too. She deserves it too.

Sad:

I am so sorry you were taken in by a serial cheater. But you are not alone. Many have been taken in by a smooth talking player. From what you describe of his actions he has never been faithful in a relationship. I think once the shock and trauma of his betrayal subsides you are going to be very angry. This is a man who can give a speech praising his BS all the while knowing he is cheating on her. "Look at all those fools who believe I am a devoted family man!" He cheated during his first M with the same AP! After his D why didn’t they get together? During the interim years why didn’t they get together? Now 15 years later he is cheating with her again on his new W. Could it be he is playing his AP as well? Could it be having two women in love with him feeds his ego? He enjoys having a second secret life and fooling two women? Good luck. See that attorney. Protect your finances, and move forward with D. Sending strength.

So she is free, I suppose to make herself available. He is clearly frustrated with me for being on high alert. I know it is annoying him. He must have texted with her a lot at night before my d-day and now he can’t because I am watching and he knows it. He kept trying to text her last night and I kept walking by and he would close his text message ap. It was pretty obvious what was going on. He is definitely less enthusiastic around me lately. He is distant. I think he sees me as the thing that is keeping him from her.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:12 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

Hi, sad, how far along are you getting your ducks in a row?

You've been tormented for weeks now, the stress surely is going to take a toll on you physically and emotionally.

I'd do whatever it takes to get out of this mess asap.

Watching what they are doing daily is pure torment.

I agree with the others, your WH wants his cake and eat it, too. Close the bakery and move forward with your life.