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Newest Member: shouldistayorshouldigono

Just Found Out :
Horrible devastating update....I am devastated

Topic is Sleeping.
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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 11:51 PM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

It would be extremely difficult to hold your tongue for 2 months, unless you make some excuse to get out of there for awhile. If you can do it, then wow, but if you can't, give yourself a break. I'm not completely sure what you gain by not confronting anyway.

It kind of sounds like maybe you were a cover of sorts. Like his ex-wife said - you don't have to stay with me, but you can't be with her. So he found you but in the back of his head he planned to resume with her. Just speculating. Either way he KNOWS the damage he is doing, which makes it all terrible.

YOU are a prize. Meant for someone better.

File for divorce, and out the affair. Anytime and in any order. If he loses his relationship with his kids, that is not your fault. He is hurting them, not you.

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2500   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8799316
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 2:40 AM on Friday, July 14th, 2023

Hi annanew, I totally see your point. I think at the beginning, he was very dedicated to me, but I also think you are right - he saw me as a great cover for any future issues. I do strongly believe that he is a serial cheater. I am nice and I trust, so I was a good target for him. I don't think he was up to 'no good' in the early years - I saw 2 things on his phone early on, but they were legacy. I think he was committed to me, and then this woman started messaging him aggressively. I know for a fact that he did not reach out to her, she kept on messaging him. I saw the pattern and I know exactly what she was doing, it was super obvious. She used any excuse to get in touch with him. He just opened the door, which he should not have done. But I guess there was a crack in our marriage. Marriage means nothing to either one of them.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8799325
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 3:43 AM on Friday, July 14th, 2023

Don't blame this all on the other woman. With the right man, the most beautiful woman in the world could be standing naked in front of him and inviting him to her bed, and he would still remain faithful. She knew he was susceptible to cheating because he had done it with her in the past. If he wasn't shutting it down and blocking her, then he wasn't being faithful.

Please accept that he is a cheating liar and that he will not change. I am so sorry.

posts: 235   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8799331
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:26 AM on Friday, July 14th, 2023

In "Not Just Friends" , Dr. Shirley Glass discusses boundaries. The chapters on windows and walls is helpful in understanding boundaries.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3326   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8799336
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trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 6:32 PM on Saturday, July 15th, 2023

Your husband has shown you he is a serial cheater. If he ends this affair he will just find another. The blame falls on him, not you, not the OW.

Take care of yourself and your children. Get IC for you. See an attorney. Get STD testing.

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2360   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 8799543
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:06 PM on Saturday, July 15th, 2023

. I think he was committed to me, and then this woman started messaging him aggressively.

No ma'am. If he were committed to you, then he would have blocked her when she sent that first message.

It wasn't that there was a Crack in your marriage. Cheating isn't due to a marital problem. It's because it's a *him* problem.

A committed man would have shut it down immediately. But,he's a serial cheater, so he did what serial cheaters do.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6628   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8799554
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 5:30 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

I am still working on my process of planning a potential escape. He still does not know what I know. Monitoring, gathering facts, financials and tracking what I can. Prepping for meeting with lawyer. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If I can get through this I can get though anything. Meanwhile I am just playing the part, acting like business as usual around here. It is like watching a movie of someone else life - I feel almost dead inside. He knows that something is off with me, but he does not know what or why. They are laying low because he is nervous about how I have been acting a little off and he has no clue why I am acting off. So they are still texting during the day that they miss one another. But they are clearly scared to get caught.

Why doesn't he just divorce me if he wants to be with her? I don't get it. If he wants to be with her so badly, then why does he not come home and say 'hey, this is not working for me'? I even gave him an out several weeks ago when I lost my cool ...I asked him "are you even happy being married? do we want this to work? Because if you don't, then I get it and I can figure my own situation out" All he had to do was say - you are right, we should probably separate. Or use that as excuse to have a conversation about separation. I handed it to him on a silver platter and he did not take it. Instead he said that he was happy and of course he wants this to work. Why does he not just ask for a separation or a divorce?

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 2:59 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8800200
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 6:13 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Why don't YOU ask for a separation or divorce? You are not happy.

There is happiness, contentment and peace on the other side.

posts: 235   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8800210
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Revenger ( new member #80445) posted at 7:00 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Because he's selfish, flawed, compartmentalizing, cake-eating, and, most of all, aware that the affair loses its excitement pretty quickly after the affair bubble bursts. Once the dust settles and it's just a wayward and AP hanging out in the cold light of day, they typically realize they don't actually like each other.

He's also comfortable with you in your stable life.

I hope you get your ducks in a row, get good help from a therapist, determine for yourself what is best for you. The longer you surveil him and see him cheating on you in real-time, the likelier you are to hate him and not want to R.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 48   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8800214
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 8:18 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Thank you everyone. Revenger, you make a lot of sense. The real time surveillance is hurting me, but it also gives me a sense of control. I am starting to become numb as well. I have IC, which is helping. I already hate him, and view him as less and less of a person each day that passes. I just look at him and feel hate. This is what I want to feel though, better than love. Lovely marriage dynamic. I take care of the house/friends/family and everything 'above board' in his life, and he is texting away like a teenager behind my back.

I highly predict we will divorce, which is what I am preparing for as the likely scenario. I need to be fully in control of that process and have as much leverage as possible to get what I want. I know this divorce will likely come from me, not him. I suspect that he will not ask for a divorce because he will never confess to an affair, so he will have no 'actual' reason to request a divorce. He will probably not ever voluntarily confess, because he is going to such lengths to hide this. I know that he is very afraid of getting caught.

When I confront him with the evidence etc, he will likely only then admit it. I don't see him as being apologetic. I see him as being shocked, stunned that I figured it out and will give up in defeat. I do not see him saying to me "I want to change." That is when I will serve the divorce papers and let him know that I plan to blow up his world in a public fashion. This plan is what is keeping me going.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:03 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8800222
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:30 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

When you confront,don't show him your evidence.

Just tell him you know he's been having an affair,and you know who the ow is.

He will deny it. Calmly look him in the eye,and say, "I KNOW. "

Reasons for not showing evidence:

You don't know how you will respond when he starts crying,apologizing,and begging for reconciliation. If you decide,at any point, to give him one chance, then he knows how he was caught,and if he wants to take this affair underground, or have a new affair in the future, he will be able to hide it better.

Leave him blindsided. He won't know how he was caught,and it will make him paranoid.

It will scare OW, because she won't know what evidence you have,so she won't be able to cover her tracks with her husband.

You know he's cheating. He knows he's cheating. This isn't a court room. You don't have to prove to him what he already knows.

If you feel the need to tell him anything, tell him you hired a PI. He was followed. You've seen the pics. That will really freak him out.

Never,ever reveal your sources.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6628   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8800223
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:40 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

^^^What Hellfire said.

I confronted with *some* evidence.

OW knew I had evidence, didn't know exactly what. Scared her, she lived across the country but I can imagine her feeling frantic every day wondering when I will drop the huge bomb and reveal to the world her disgusting, X-rated emails and actions.

You don't need proof. You have it. Make copies and keep it tucked away in a safe place, get your own safety deposit box at your local bank and put all of it in there. Be sure to have at least a couple more copies.

Honestly, I think he enjoys the attention from the OW and having a wife at home who gives him stability and a good standing in the community.

Also, don't ever forget, never, ever, ever reveal your sources.

EDited to add:

let him know that I plan to blow up his world in a public fashion.



Be careful, he just might show you another side of him and get violent. You do not owe him any explanation of your plans. NOthing.

[This message edited by annb at 8:43 PM, Thursday, July 20th]

posts: 12121   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8800225
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:20 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Gonna add, whether you go public or not when you do confront is up to you. Not going public can be leverage to ensure he plays nice in the D negotiations. Some WS are also so terrified of public embarrassment they will be generous in the D settlement.. so play that card only when you need to. After the D is finalized and the papers signed, then tell whoever you want.

Another reason to not share your sources: he will shut those avenues down so you lose visibility. And he will try to gaslight you into not believing what you know you have seen. So protecting the sources protects your sanity.

Sorry he is such a classic cake-eater.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5916   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8800232
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 10:09 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

annb, thank you very much. quick question - did your saying that you had evidence eventually stop the affair? The lady across the country, was she terrified? I know I know, I am sad. I just want it to stop.

And thank you to everyone, I do not know what I would do without this forum. It helps me decide how I am going to navigate this nightmare.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8800238
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 9:03 AM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

…and, most of all, aware that the affair loses its excitement pretty quickly after the affair bubble bursts.

Yepper. If anything, it might be even more exciting right now, with them thinking you might suspect something. They have no idea how you are in total control. N O. I D E A

When you pull the trigger on the D, I would if at all possible deprive him of as much information as possible. He will be completely disoriented, and every tidbit you give him will help him to get his feet back on the ground. I know you deserve to be heard by him, but he doesn’t deserve to hear it. Not as in what he did wasn’t so bad, but as in he deserves to be in the dark and at the end of the whip.

Maybe after the D, then tell him what you know, with proof. Until then, maybe just let him talk to the hand.

You are doing an awesome job in a tough trial. Take a look at my profile, the rules of survival. You are checking the boxes.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8800278
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 sadincolorado (original poster member #83567) posted at 2:33 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Thank you everyone. Even though I sound strong, I am getting sad again. It been really hard. I am basically living with him, knowing full well what he has been up to, grieving my marriage and my life as I live in it. I can't leave yet, I am just not ready. I get so sad sometimes, when we are having a nice night or enjoying dinner together. All I can think is, does he wish it was her that is sitting here why am I not enough? Is he a cake eater or is this more? I am (still) working on my plan, but deep in my heart I am also scared that he will agree to a divorce and be psyched that he did not have to be the one to ask for it. I guess that is the thing that keeps me in a state of paralysis. Knowing that if I ask for a divorce he will likely say yes. I can't believe I have already lived with this knowledge/his secret for 6 weeks. I prefer to be fully prepared with a plan of attack and what I want in the D. It I am going to do it I am going to do it at full speed and blindside him with my plan, rather than just say I know you are having an affair. I just wish I was enough for him. Sorry just venting I am having a really sad morning.

[This message edited by sadincolorado at 3:04 PM, Sunday, November 12th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2023
id 8800308
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 4:29 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

I think it is helpful to think of an affair this way: the AP is the mirror that reflects back how the WS wants to see themselves.

It doesn't make the AP a better person, better looking, better in bed . . . NADA. The only qualification is that they show the WS what they are so desperate to see in themselves. Hence the lies on both sides. After all, how attractive is it to say to the AP: Look, I love my spouse. They're a great person and we have a great life together. No, all the complaining about the marriage and painting the BS in a bad light is to get the validation that they crave.

A pivotal aspect of any affair is validation. Ego-kibbles, if you will. Cake, by another description. The WS KNOWS that they are behaving badly. But they WANT to believe that it is "justified" (it never is) and "excusable" (ditto). The AP (likely wanting validation of their own) gives this to them in spades. Whereby the BS often works harder and harder to be a better partner, very little of that tends to penetrate the WS's walls. I call it the concept of the clogged filter. The WS's emotional filter is clogged to their spouse and doesn't see (or allow themselves to see) the person that their BS truly is. That's not your problem to fix.

To become a faithful, honest partner requires tearing down all of this false validation and building back up someone who can seek that sort of validation within themselves, within healthy outlets and with their committed partner. Unfortunately for the BS, once they've gotten a taste of cake as a serial cheater, they seldom want to put in the work to become that sort of person.

He's cheated over two marriages. It's obvious the problem is him. Once your ducks are in ma row, perhaps immediately before he is served with paperwork, you should tell the other BS. He really deserves to know what is happening within his marriage.

CAt

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33182   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Ohio
id 8800392
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

You have always been enough for your WH to sustain your M. It is normal to wonder if your WS is cheating because of some inadequacy in the BS. Nothing is further from the truth. Your WH is cheating because he wants to. Period. He is a supreme cake eater. He loves having you as his faithful W, and his AP on the side. Always value yourself. You deserve better.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3877   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8800401
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swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 8:04 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

A little bargaining is just par for the course. I broke my wrist recently and my hand was just hanging there looking awful and I had this brief crazed moment where I thought, "Well maybe it's not broken. Maybe I can just pop it back into place. Maybe I can still go on the trip I had planned for tomorrow." You don't adjust to a new reality in one fell swoop . . . it's a process. And that's OK.

It's true that you can't know what he will do. But we you can trust in is that you will be OK no matter what. You are strong enough.

The affair and the other woman are just symptoms of your husband's lack of character. Take away the affair and he's still that guy who doesn't mind lying and hurting others if he can get his kicks.

Hang in there. You'll be ready to confront when you're ready, and not a moment before that. And that's OK.

posts: 1843   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8800442
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Gracey ( member #79334) posted at 11:08 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Just want to say how in control you sound. I was a mess in first few days and literally lost it big time with him. Its hard when your reality is shattered. Your WH sounds like he is a master at compartmentalising as is my WH. Be prepared for gaslighting and verbal abuse when his two worlds collide. You also may find he will paint you as an awful person to everyone in order to save his reputation and to try and justify his affair. I wish I had been more in control like you are and I wish you strength to deal with this awful situation.

Together 34 years Married. 17 years

posts: 96   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8800462
Topic is Sleeping.
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