Together 34 years Married. 17 years

Stuck

We are now 5 years from d day & nothing much has changed. WH is still here although will not do work needed to change partly because he will not take responsibility & partly because I think he wants still to leave.
AP is still hanging round & torturing me by gloating every time we see her. I believe she is a narcissist as she actually laughs openly in my face & even turned up to my late mothers wake.

WH says just move on and ignore her. I just want to move away. I have no evidence there has been contact between them although don’t think she has left his mind and certainly not mine. Any advice?

6 comments posted: Friday, September 27th, 2024

Fake reconciliation, why?

Just want to try get some understanding as to why WS bother with faking reconciliation if they have no intention of staying in the marriage?
I feel that maybe my reality however I cannot be sure so I hang on incase I am wrong.

I am not sure if WS do this so that BS end up pulling the plug on the marriage and the WS get to look innocent.

Any thoughts?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, January 24th, 2024

Cave man sensitivity

4 years past D day and still not healed or feeling safe. Found myself thinking about what IC said a few years ago about me having married " insensitive cave man" and I am now wondering if that’s true.

My WH just cannot seem to grasp how much he has hurt me and lacks the empathy to see its his actions that will help me trust him again. He has been spending money on me and telling me how attractive he finds me and I struggle to get him to see that these things are nice however just not what I need from him. It also makes me cynical as I question if he is actually trying to cover up continuing his A. Why will he not meet my needs?

He struggles with facing his own flaws and I am acutely aware no responsibility means no change or does he just not understand how devastating this is to BS.

I question if he loves me still and he gets really offended by this. Again if your covering up that is a brilliant tactic to shut someone down. Do people show love in different ways? Surely discussing A and trying to understand someones pain is what most people would understand is required?

15 comments posted: Friday, January 5th, 2024

4 years since D/day

Not looking for any advice, just want to know if anyone else can understand this. 4 years since d/day WH has admitted he was seeing AP and says he is not now. That is all I have had from him. Oh and it was never PA , not sure I believe that. He claims he is not leaving despite threatening it in the past. WH is a compartmentaliser & has been living in two worlds, home and AP. They have collided as AP announced to anyone who would listen the A and its length and then laughed in my face

Friendships from my childhood all ruined by the AP attaching herself to the group and spreading hate. WH still here and yet emotionally detached as has shown no willingness to discuss this further or be vulnerable with me.
WH now facing health problems that could be serious and he still refuses to connect and lives in a kind of state of denial on all of it including his health.
I swing between utter despair as I still love him or the person I thought he was and yet I have no transparency in my marriage and I am constantly fearful of the future

3 comments posted: Monday, November 27th, 2023

How do I get through

I am trying to save my marriage and WH is refusing to discuss his EA/PH and timeline etc while acting like everything is all okay now and this is or was a huge mistake. This lack of being open etc is a huge red flag and I thnk I am in fake reconciliation.

A couple of months ago he seemed desperate for me to be either okay with him going off with AP or him continuing to live with me and see AP. On both counts I gave made it really clear neither-are acceptable and I would be devastated and hate him for eternity.
He really doesn’t seem to get why I would hate him and is upset that I would feel these things and I am struggling to understand his insane view. I keep doing all I can do to make him understand he will be hurting me and I am doing a soft version of 180 whilst trying to be the best version of myself I can. I am utterly heartbroken. My question is why is he do desperate to be my friend?

11 comments posted: Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Action not words

Hi not posted in a while and want opinions on actions not words.
WS is saying all the right things and claims to have told AP to never come back and as we mix in all the same circles as her, he has said if she approaches him or us he will tell her where to go. Only trouble is she never does when we are together so I have no proof any of this is true.

I have made it clear I want to move away however WS elderly parents depend on us so this cannot happen until they pass. What actions can I get him to take in order for me to feel safer?

I have had no timeline on A and other than him admitting it he doesn’t want to talk about it and I am not sure it would help me as its now that I am concerned about.

We are in MC however progress if any is slow and WS is still very dismissive of the impact this has had on me. I guess I want to see if he is truly committed by giving me an action not just words. Any suggestions? Thanks

10 comments posted: Monday, September 11th, 2023

Help how do i make him hear me

Not sure if any of you have been through this already and can offer me some advice however think my WH is still planning to leave and just not tell me till he is actually gone. My mental health is destroyed and despite me trying to explain he needs to tell me what is going on and then call me some medical attention as I am likely to harm myself, he just ignores me and continues to deny everything. I have no family and AP has destroyed most of my friendships so just wondering if there is a way to reach him before its to late. He also seems to think we would remain friends if he left. It is slightly insane and I am really struggling with the blindsided nature of what he is doing.

10 comments posted: Monday, February 13th, 2023