Been watching from the bleachers as the other posters are nailing it down well.
I just wanted to add, that it’s easy for us to criticize and give tough advice because we’re not knee deep in the alligators (crocs down under) as you are. We’re also not in love with your WW. We’re not invested and we have nothing at stake, as you do and, we’ve made it. We’ve made it to the other side. We’re confident in our views now, but we definitely weren’t back when we were in your shoes.
So, it’s important for us to take ourselves back to the moment that you are in right now, to really empathize with you and, it can be very triggering for us do that. It can be very triggering to empathize too much with you. When we see someone going through what you’re going through, it’s very anxiety inducing. So please bear with us. We just want to reach out and grab you like a son, a brother, or a former self we desperately want to save from the precipice.
So, going forward, listen to us in THIS context understanding that we are you, you are the former us before we climbed out of the hell that you’re in now.
Another thing. Totally different subject:
The 180 that everyone is preaching. Some aspects of this approach are a bit counterintuitive and understated.
There is nothing more attractive, more respectable, more appealing, more inspiring, admirable, more sexy than, seeing, witnessing someone protecting their dignity, their self respect, their rights, their integrity with confidence and unyielding determination.
It’s a show of nobility and inner strength that gives even the least remorseful wayward pause. We have seen many waywards, deeeep in the fog, shocked back to reality by the noble self protective resolve of a betrayed spouse.
"She/He never looked so good as they did when they were walking out the door"
"You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save the marriage"
You want a spouse who comes back fighting for you. You deserve that-right? Rhetorical question.
This is your fleeting opportunity to show her your worth, your strength, dignity, initiative and resolve. She’ll be taken aback at first, she’s not expecting this. She may even strike back, victimize herself, gaslight you, hoping you’ll back down, but…she will, at least on some level, come to respect and admire it.