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Newest Member: Groholl

New Beginnings :
I guess it's safe to update

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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 10:54 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

Quick update: Things seem to be going pretty well thus far. She has taken self-advocating to heart and asked to cancel plans as she was feeling she had to get stuff done and take some "me time". I think my reaction both surprised her and alleviated her misgivings. I took the opportunity to take so.e "me time" as well, something I also needed.

I told hervthatvshe cannot pour from an empty cup and I want the very best version of her. I dese4ve nothing less, just as it goes for her.

Next month it will be six months (less a week) which I tease her about, so things are moving along. We enjoy each other's company and take time for ourselves. So it seems fairly healthy, but who can see the future?

On a side note, we often see my EXWW on our outings. I've asked her about how she feels, and she says she is fine. It's been almost 6 years since I filed. We do find ourselves chuckling at just how miserable my EXWW looks though. Even after all this time, she just cannot seem to find her happy place. Oh well, that's what living in a smaller city gets you. You just seem to run into the same people...

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8809233
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:48 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Too bad you can't just run over some people, isn't it? LOL. I'm glad that she's able to voice her feelings and let you know what she needs. Some people haven't been able to do that without repercussions, so it may be a learning curve for her.

Has it been six months already? Time is sure flying. I'm glad you are in a good place.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3117   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8809264
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 1:22 AM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

Update. So, we are coming up to the 6 month mark. Haven't met her DD yet, but no hurry on that. I think the incidentvwith thectalk and then the walk has taken the relationship in a new direction. Things have been good, and she has commented on how safe and secure she feels, especially in the area of voicing her needs.

We had a good conversation and she commented that I am unlike anyone she has dated before. Her past relationships have been with controlling men, and inam definitely not controlling nor am I insecure. I firmly believe that the greatest power a man has is to remove himself from a toxic situation. No huffing or puffing, jystcwalk away with dignity, so why would I need to control another person? When we had the talk, I just thanked her for her honesty and wished her the best. Yes, I was disappointed, but no one was ever begged or cajoled into falling in love.

So, we have both commented on how much we enjoy this relationship and the direction it's headed. And that's enough for now. Although she has made some comments using the future tense, I am in no hurry. Slow is smooth...smooth is easy.

On another note, my younger daughter has opted to live with me full time. She will have to payca little rent as she is working full as a cook, but it is pennies. It helps with a bit of the groceries and teaches her not to freeload. She's a peppery one, so it will be interesting.

Recently, my EXWW made some bullshit comment on how she shouldn't need to gelp the kids because she did not go after me for child support. She conveniently forgot that the judge took child support off the table as our incomes were almost identical. I guess it's import for her to always be the victim. The reality is that her bad decisions are biting her on the financial ass and she can't pay her bills. It's funny how cheaters are often poor at managing other aspects of their lives.


Anyway,I'm making duck tonight, so I need to prep. Peace out.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8810326
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:14 AM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

Sounds like things are going smoothly for you. I'm glad DD has decided to live with you and I hope that things go well. Peppery can be fun, but can also be exasperating. Good luck with the duck!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3117   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8810336
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:26 AM on Thursday, October 5th, 2023

Hope you enjoy the duck!

Positive new beginning stories are always nice to read!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1569   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8810574
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:14 PM on Thursday, October 5th, 2023

Glad things are going well for you and moving in a positive direction!

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8689   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8810615
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Nexther ( new member #83430) posted at 11:35 PM on Monday, October 30th, 2023

Anyway,I'm making duck tonight, so I need to prep. Peace out.

Hope things are going well for you!

BTW: How did the duck come out?

posts: 36   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2023   ·   location: Nunya, USA
id 8813480
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 4:57 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

I have been meaning to post an update, but part of me doesn't want to jinx anything.

We are coming up to the 7 month mark, and things are going well. Of the two of us, I am the most cautious, but given my history, that's to be expected. We spend every second weekend together and see each other a couple of times a week as well. This is mostly due to her parenting schedule, but I value the time apart as well as the time together.

I haven't met her daughter yet, but no rush on that. I think she is holding off due to navigating things with her Ex. He has expressed that he would like to meet me before I meet their daughter. I respect that, and if the roles were reversed, I would ask the same.

As for our relationship, we are getting comfortable together. She has become a little more adept at advocating for herself and her needs, but it may take some time for her to be comfortable in this area. I guess she has been with needy or clingy partners in the past. Part of this may have to do with me being older and having a more mature view of what a relationship ought to give me or us.

So that's about it. We seem to be in a good place and chugging along at a decent pace. I like both the direction and the speed at which the relationship is going, so that's a definite plus. The flip side is if things don't work out, I will mourn the end of the relationship, but be fine as I am fully complete alone. I'm not saying I want to be alone, as I findvthat having a special person in my life adds to it in a significant way. I'm just saying that she isn't a critical part of me. Maybe that's what healed looks like...

Hope I didn't jinx it.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8814037
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 7:39 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

All of this sounds splendid to me, JSG. It seems you have a very healthy attachment style. That is rare. Those of us who choose to heal the right way, well, we end up liking our own company. Your girlfriend does not complement your life, she’s supplements it. You know you are a whole person and you will be OK with or without her. I can’t think of a better place to be, mentally. You can fully enjoy your life without the anxiety of worrying about your relationship.
People who jump into relationships too soon do not have that inner peace. They don’t really know who they are without a partner. It’s probably a scary place to be.

Well done, JSG. I really enjoy reading your updates and seeing how far you’ve come.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4500   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8814044
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:14 AM on Sunday, November 5th, 2023

Nice update, JSG. I'm glad things are going at the pace you're comfortable with. I'm glad life is going so well for you and you're feeling stable.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3117   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8814069
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:31 AM on Monday, November 27th, 2023

Happy for you

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2565   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8816368
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 7:48 PM on Wednesday, November 29th, 2023

Well, I guess I should update since I have some unexpected free time. I just hurt myself and am laid up in bed for a few days. Getting sick or injured has always been an issue for me as my EXWW never cared for me. In fact, she would get angry and treat me with contempt every time I got sick, so I learned to push through or self care.

So anyway, I've been in considerable pain these past few days. My kids have helped, or should I say older DD, but my younger one has proven to be a liability in times of need. I guess she takes after her mother. Even her sister is at her wit's end, lamenting that she feels like a parent to her.

Anyway, I haven't been able to make it down the stairs to see the state of the main floor, so I was hoping that my kids would take pity on my situation and keep it clean. My older daughter tried, but my younger one left shit everywhere as usual.

Well, around lunch yesterday, I heard shuffling downstairs. Since I knew both girls were out, one in college and the other at work, I knew it wasn't them. Plus, if my younger voluntarily cleaned up the kitchen, I'd need to check to see if the four horsemen of the apocalypse were riding down the street. Turns out it was my GF. She had popped by during her lunch to check on me, saw the mess, and cleaned it up. Prior to that, on her previous lunch, she ran out and bought me meds and a hotpack.

I can literally count on one hand the number of times I had been taken care of, and still have fingers left, so this is really new for me. I mean, I would have done the same thing for her, but never expected treatment like this for myself. She seems to be a quality human being, and I hope that nothing amiss pops up. Maybe that's the trauma brain in me, thinking, naw... nobody is that good. Here's hoping no shoes drop.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8816661
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:37 AM on Thursday, November 30th, 2023

Glad you are getting the care you deserve.
Of course most of us would do what she did. But most of our EX Wayward spouses were pretty low on empathy.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1569   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8816701
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:12 PM on Thursday, November 30th, 2023

Sorry that you hurt yourself, but I'm glad that your GF is there to support you and do a little clean up.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3117   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8816744
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 4:11 PM on Saturday, December 30th, 2023

Well, this thread is turning out to be my relationship log. I skimmed my posts just to see the narrative arc. Interesting, the things I forget.

Well, we are coming up to the 9 month mark, and all seems well. As she did not have her daughter with her on Christmas eve, I asked my GF to spend it with us. All told, we had 7 people, two dogs, and a cat in my townhouse, so it was quite full of life. We did appies and wine, sat by the fire, and played adult charades, something I would not recommend...

Over the years on my own, my kids and I have developed some new family traditions, one of which is appies on the eve, with mimosas and eggs Benny in the morning. I have perfected my sauce recipe over the years, so it really seems like more work than it is. Anyway, things went off without a hitch.

My EXWW was in South America for the holidays, as her BF took her on a vacation. We all rolled our eyes at her decision to be away from family during Christmas, but none of us were surprised. If you've read my previous posts, you'll know that my EXWW is ADHD and I strongly suspect she is also on the spectrum, so she does not do relationships well or really get emotions to any degree. So for her, leaving on Christmas was no big deal since it made practical sense from a financial standpoint. It's funny, she was knee-deep in her A while her father was dying, and chose to spend time with her AP rather than him. After he died and her A was outed, she complained that she was the victim in all of this, having lost the opportunity to spend time with her father during his last year. Hmmmm....

So things are going well and my GF and I continue to grow closer. Still holding off on meeting the DD for now, as it just isn't the right time. No hurry on that. We continue to see each other regularly, with also maintaining a healthy time apart, so that's good. I'm hoping things work out, but also keep myself prepared to deal with them not working out. I guess that's the cautious side of me.

One positive thing that my experience with infidelity has given me, is that it has shattered my disney/rom-com view of human relationships, replacing it with a more balanced real world version. Human behaviour is what it is, and one cannot count on others to make us happy nor complete us. It just isn't healthy. A partner should add to your life, not be the reason for it...

Still, I'm hopeful.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8819827
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:29 PM on Saturday, December 30th, 2023

Thanks for the update, JSG. Sounds like you had a fun Christmas holiday. It sounds like your relationship with your GF is going at just the right speed for you.

Eggs benny - my favorite, but I've never made hollandaise sauce. It always looked intimidating. I may need to look up a recipe and try to make it.

Happy New Year!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3117   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8819831
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 8:30 PM on Saturday, December 30th, 2023

The sauce is super easy. Just remember, double boiler (I use a stainless steal bowl on my pot, fresh eggs, and real lemon. Don't overheat the butter or eggs, or you'll Crack the sauce. Smoked salmon eggs Benny is the best.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8819848
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:04 AM on Sunday, December 31st, 2023

Nice update. Amazing to look at where you are now and where you started when you joined SI. So happy things are going well and you are navigating your relationship with clear eyes but still romance and hopefulness. Happy New Year!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5817   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8819864
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 9:26 PM on Sunday, December 31st, 2023

Thanks BB. Yeah, looking back, I felt like an exposed nerve when I first joined here. Filled with anger. It really is true that it takes 2-5 years to heal, and I used the full 5 years to get to a better place. My EXWW's infidelity still ranks as the worst trauma I have ever experienced, and it has changed me in a fundamental way, but it no longer sits in the front of my brain. It's mostly just something that happened to me in the past.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8819914
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 6:07 PM on Sunday, February 4th, 2024

And here we go....

Well, it looks like the relationship ran its course. We went away for a romantic weekend, and things felt justca little off. Thet felt even more off for the next two weeks. I tried talking to her, but she kept avoiding the issue, saying that it was a her thing. I gave her space, but since I live in my head, I was cycling through possibilities. It's just what I do.

She did stay over again, but no intimacy other than cuddling on the couch. I had trouble sleeping that night due to both the uncertainty of the relationship and work stress, so I got up to go sit on the couch with a tea. But as I went down,I decided to trust my intuition and check the drawer she keeps stuff it. Sure enough, she had cleaned it out earlier that evening. I was not impressed with the lack of candor on her part.

I canceled on seeing her the best night as work was very stressful and quite frankly, I just didn't need any more. So we decided to meet on the weekend to chat. We did and she explained her situation, which was completely reasonable. Stress from the D process an unreasonable ex, trauma, needing time to heal, etc. I completely understood and we parted as friends.

I'm sad it didn't work out, as I enjoyed our relationship. With the exception of the last bit, it was peaceful and easy. I'm not a needy or clingy guy, so we gave each other the space we needed, or I did. She is a kind and empathetic person and I enjoyed that aspect of our relationship.

She knows I'm not an on again/off again guy, so I told her that I'm just going to move forward living my life. I'll grieve for a time, but not pine. I also think I'm done with relationships, at least for the foreseeable future. They are a lot of effort and I just want to spend time with myself. I was alone for 3.5 years, and I actually got pretty comfortable with it.

So that's my update. I'm doing well and in a good place despite the events of late. Maybe these 6 years of dealing with shit have changed me. Maybe I've experienced so much pain and trauma that I'm immune to it now. Or maybe I'm healthy. I have no idea.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8823541
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