SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So last month was the end of the school year, and the last that I worked at my school before being involuntarily transferred to currently who-knows-where elsewhere in the school district. After more than 20 years, the principal cut my position due to "budget issues" and a need for a teacher who is certified in more science areas than I am (even though I'm already certified in 2 very high need academic areas, science and math, which is more than most teachers are). Despite the principal claiming it was due to factors outside my control, a lot of teachers over the months kept coming up and expressing sympathy and pity for my situation, saying how the principal screwed me over, that I'm way too nice and hard working to deserve her getting rid of me. Yes, screwed over and ripped off are the phrases they used. She's also done this to multiple other teachers too--cut their positions (again, claiming a dubious budget) or driving other teachers to decide on their own to quit or transfer. I went through the school district's site selection portal for employees, which is an internal online listing of teacher position vacancies at various schools, for internal employees only, and allows you to send your resume and cover letter so that you are considered for other positions. I also attended several interviews at various schools, even though they were all at schools I did not want to work at. I have been attending jobsearch workshops and webinars as well in the meantime, but I know I absolutely do not want to leave my school district because I need, I NEED, my retirement pension since I have literally nobody to support me (no kids, unmarried, and my parents are deceased). I am waiting to pick a school from the list, which I heard got bumped up to this week or next week instead of having to wait until August like usual, which helps, but I'm nervous about that.

Despite teachers giving me sympathy, last month I felt like complete garbage, like nobody cared that I was leaving, and that my 20+ years at this school were all for nothing. Nobody knew much about the circumstances surrounding why my position was cut, or that the principal now wants the biology teacher to teach chemistry too (the latter which I'm not certified in). All they knew was that the principal had cut me, and that rumors had circulated for months that the principal had it out to get me and had listened to the viciously gossipy chemistry teacher Mr. Trout, aka her little principal's pet, to get rid of me. Mr. Trout is a known bully who loves to pick on all the other teachers. Nobody really likes him and he's even gossiped a lot of nasty stuff about the principal too behind her back, yet he then goes and kisses up to the principal, spending hours after school each day in her office gossiping and also sweet talking her. She actually called him out on his bs a few years ago at one of our staff meetings, snapping at him to keep his constant negativity to himself--which actually caused some staff members to applaud, but then a few months later, Mr. Trout was back to schmoozing with her for hours after school. So all the students and some of the teachers heard was that I was "getting the axe". Well, in the last week of the school year, all those teachers who had come up to me previously expressing their sympathy and well wishes for me weren't really around much to help me when I needed it. One woman teacher who I thought was my friend, who is always so cheerful and helpful to everyone, had made empty promises to help me pack up all my stuff and clean out my classroom and the behemoth walk-in lab closet, but then that same chemistry teacher Mr. Trout butted in and started talking up a storm to her, stealing her time. When he was finally done, she looked at her watch and said to me, "oh look at the time, I gotta go, I have somewhere I promised to be to pick up my teenage sons". This happened a few times and then I gave up on her helping me.

At the end of every school year on staffs' last day, we always culminate with a big meeting for all staff members. The principal gives her round of "shout-outs" and honorable mentions, and always mentions the teachers who are leaving so we can applaud them and wish them well. This year she mentioned a few who were retiring but didn't mention me leaving. Go figure. She also did her shout-outs for staff members with perfect attendance, but had neglected to mention the perfect attendance staff a few years back in the year when I'd had perfect attendance. I feel sad that I never got my recognition. Oh but she and the janitor told me off about not having everything completely cleared out of my classroom. She even made the remark "you knew since the beginning of May you weren't able to stay here" even though she had told me in May that I wasn't to pack up anything early because students still needed to be taught with all the materials and lab activities as usual. Unlike the 2 other teachers who also got cut and therefore decided to slack off since they felt "it doesn't matter if she's kicking us out anyway", I still put my all into the job and taught and gave assignments up until the very last day of final exams. One of the teachers who got cut literally stopped teaching as soon as he found out he was losing his job. Even the regular teachers stopped giving work by June for the most part, and let kids watch movies in class instead. I was the only one still doing my job to the fullest, and this is the thanks I get. I never felt more unappreciated in my job ever than I did on that last day, which should have been a laidback and happy day for me. When everyone else left at noon that day, I was stuck staying until past dinner time just deep cleaning everything in my room. At least the bully teacher Mr. Trout was long gone, I thought. Then as I walked out to my car, who drives by in his big Cadillac Escalade and comes right up to me, but bully Mr. Trout himself. At first I thought maybe he was offering to carry one of my boxes to my car for me, so perhaps I should be polite just for that. Instead, he tells me that I shouldn't bother trying to find another teaching job, that I'll get "eaten alive" at any other school, that I should instead get a min wage job at a nursing home because at least a nursing home might pay me benefits. What! Keep in mind I changed my college major away from nursing because I was too squeamish to deal with body fluids and other essential tasks of nursing, just to end up being mandated by my late parents to play full-time nurse and caregiver to them when they were both in their last elder years, in critical care. Although I did it because my parents needed my help, it was very all-consuming for me, zapped many years away from me being able to live my own life, and I swore I would only do it for my parents and never for anyone else ever again. Why would I want to change ambivalent strangers' bedpans now? And likely end up working alongside some of the very same allied health program students who always acted up in my class when they were still in school and had my class a few years ago, right. He then said that no retail job will hire me because I'm too old. He said all this mean stuff but I felt obligated to at least listen and be polite. I ended up walking to my car feeling so defeated and awful.

Then there is R, the man I've been with for 22 years. I really enjoyed spending 4th of July weekend with him at his shore house by the beach, but recently he has gone back to not calling or being there for me. It seems that he likes to tell me I have no "free time", but as soon as I'm free to have an actual life, he's no longer around. Oh but he did show up impromptu once in the last two weeks, visiting me at home right before I was planning to go swim at the gym, and he parked behind me in my driveway, blocking in my car AGAIN. He claimed he was there to "help" me, as I was already there organizing stuff and bringing in some of the boxes from school that had sat in my car's trunk for almost a month, but instead he only helped me carry in 2 boxes from my car during the hour he was there, and they were some of the lightest boxes of the bunch too. Even worse, when he took a phone call from this woman tenant who's renting one of his rental units, he mentioned he was at his "friend's house"! After all these years, he refers to me to other people as his "friend". I wanted so badly to say to him while he was on the phone, "Gee, have you had sex with ALL of your 'friends' too??" Which speaking of, I haven't even gotten that anymore from him anymore, or hardly ever. Ever since he started having trouble with his prostate, he can never seem to keep it up. Whenever we try and he shows impotence, he keeps claiming it's his prostate yet he won't take viagra for it. I'm not sure why. He won't even bother to get it rechecked out at the doctor, like it's not a concern. But now he's not even coming at all. In a wicked kind of way, I'm a little glad because it means I can leave for the gym or shopping whenever I want without worrying about him coming by impromptu, but I also feel distraught that he would just up and leave me again. I mean, I've been with him for over 20 YEARS! I never slept with any other man during that time, even during the other temporary breakups or breaks that R and I had. My friend has brought up several times now, questioning the possibility that maybe R hasn't been quite as loyal to me. (I mean, I've already caught him kissing that woman in the parking lot after club closing time years ago. And I found other things that aren't nearly as red-handed as catching him with someone, but things that seem very suspicious.) But if he has been, I know I'd be devastated, truthfully.

I just feel like such discarded garbage, like nobody values any of the loyalty I've given for the past 20+ years.

I read your post and sympathize with you. I hope you don't let this experience sour you to the profession. As a fellow teacher, I could not imagine the level of professional discourtesy you have endured. You deserve better.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have always found that toxic work environments always work themselves out. You will look back and be thankful to be out of that mess.

sending good wishes that you get a job in your district. Can your union help here at all?

As for R —— he’s shown you who he is. I understand that you have invested YEARS in him. So you get to decide if you want to invest more.

You also had some concerns with doing things with a friend where you weren’t comfortable with the activities she proposed.

That’s a lot of change. And change is hard. But it is also where growth happens. You are being forced to change (I get it- I lost my M, my job, and my house in a very short period) but really take some time to think of this as a massive opportunity to grow and change. Think of your students who go off to a college—maybe not their first choice but still a school that will provide them an education - and they have to move away from home, from their friends, from everything familiar and try something new and challenging. And think how much they grow and change over those college years. You are getting that type of big opportunity. It will be challenging and it will be different than what you have know, but it can also be amazing. Try to embrace this point of view.

Please dump R. You two are not in the same relationship. He’s a user and an abuser. And a jerk.

I know this isn’t what you wanted for summer this year, but we play the hand we are dealt and you have a chance to really make a new, better life for yourself.

(Also, F that principal. Sounds like the junior high kids are running the school).

You deserve better. Now go get better. You can do this!!

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 5:50 PM, Saturday, July 16th]

Thank you, Bearly Breathing. Actually, I was working at a high school, not a junior high. I cannot imagine the terrors I would face in a junior high!! I have definitely heard the horror stories.

I cannot truthfully and fully equate my experience to that of a student leaving for college because even if the student did not get into his or her first choice school, they are still choosing to go to another school, and it's still a great experience for them. In my case, I never chose to leave this school at all, and in fact, I don't even like teaching but I do it because I have only 5 years left before I'm eligible to retire with my pension that I've worked so hard for and paid so much money into. Those five years can make or break me. Also, truthfully, I cannot really relate to the example of students going away for college because I never did. I only ever applied to one college, and that was a very local small Catholic college about 5-10 minutes from where I've lived my whole life. Unlike my brother, who got to go away to the large state university and live away from home in the dorms, I never had that experience. My parents imposed that I go to school to become a nurse, and the local college near me (not a community college) was known for a good nursing program. While I was attending college, my parents still imposed the same curfews, rules, and expectations on me that they did all through high school. After college, same thing for the most part. I still live in the same house I grew up in. When I tried to move away at age 30, the first time I could finally aptly afford an apartment, I signed the lease and was all ready to move in within a few weeks more, when my mother got diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and so my father, who was also elderly at the time and having diabetes complications, stopped me from moving out because he refused to have my mom or him end up in a nursing home cared for my strangers. After both of them died (within a few years of each other), I kept staying here because I had inherited a portion of the house's equity so it was cheaper than trying to get a whole other house all on my own with no spouse.

You sound like my former colleague friend, lol, telling me to dump R. Unfortunately, I am unable to dump R because it seems he has already dumped me! He has stopped contacting me and hasn't returned my calls in over a week now. This is not the first time he has done this. He is the type who doesn't like confrontation, so his lack of contact is a clear indicator that he has decided to break up and move on. I feel so sad because I waited so long for this relaxing summer away from work but it has not been nearly as good or relaxing as I was expecting it to be, at all.

Who dumps who is as much about the attitude— you can choose to be the dumper in your mind because you are not going to take him back when he calls when he needs something. He didn’t dump you so much as just continue to make it all about him and what can you give him at the moment. You can flip that script by not responding and moving on without him.

And although you didn’t live that college experience, I am positive you can put yourself in those shoes and imagine the mix of fear, excitement, opportunity, loss, and a whole lot of the big unknown.

Everyone has expected you to do something they want and it seems your voice just hasn’t been heard. You deserve to be heard.

And yes, I hope you find a job in your district, but if it is not in your favorite school, it is still a job and will do the trick for the next five years.
The longer commutes and all will be worth it to get out of the toxic environment your current school is.

Hang in there!

I also feel distraught that he would just up and leave me again. I mean, I've been with him for over 20 YEARS! I never slept with any other man during that time, even during the other temporary breakups or breaks that R and I had.

Richard has never been your boyfriend. He has never made a commitment to you. That was all one-sided on your part. You gave, he took. It was a clear pattern that people have warned you about again and again and again and again and again. You haven't been his girlfriend for 22 years. You've been his friend with benefits for 22 years. He is a user. You are someone badly in need of self-esteem who has accepted this because you think it's all you can get and that it's better than nothing. You're wrong on both counts:

1. If you do the work to gain more social skills, you will be able to start trying to form genuine relationships with other men. Richard is NOT the best you can do. 2. It is better to be alone than with someone who blatantly mistreats you. For example, you can plan your own solo summer trips that you control and look forward to, rather than waiting and hoping that Richard will take you along on his, and then getting morose and self-pitying the times he doesn't.

Despite teachers giving me sympathy, last month I felt like complete garbage, like nobody cared that I was leaving, and that my 20+ years at this school were all for nothing.

You teach for your students, so the work you did for them was not for nothing. You also supported yourself through it for 20 years, and it will take care of you in retirement. That isn't nothing.

Coworkers have expressed sympathy, as you said. That's all you can expect because they have their own busy lives. You have not built a real personal life for yourself, and that bleeds into other areas, such as expecting too much validation from your coworkers and students at school.

Please get therapy. It will help you gain self-esteem and learn how to build positive friendships and possibly positive romantic relationships. You need both.

I know you have an unhelpful family and how harmful that is. That's the only reason I am responding to your post, because you usually ignore everything I say so I figure what's the point. But as I've said before, I do care and have sympathy for you. You NEED therapy. That's not an indictment, it's a very positive recommendation for the improvement of your life.

[This message edited by morningglory at 7:32 PM, Sunday, July 17th]

When we keep people in our lives who treat us like we're nothing, we end up feeling like we are nothing.

^^^^^^

I agree 100% with owningit.

You deserve to give yourself the best. You need to treat yourself better and know youre worth. Your worth is more than a friend with benefits for 22 years. Get the narcissist out of your life and you wont be feeling so low anymore. Hes a nasty character and he does not even deserve your friendship. You need to move from where you currently live so he cant just come over when he wants and block your car in and stop you from living your life. He knows you wont stop him from coming into your life. You need to make a stand. Pack your bags and disappear. This is the perfect time. You will find another job. Im a teacher and Maths and Science teachers are alwayd needed. So dont worry about your job so much. Main thing is getting away from that jerk. Hes a complete loser and the sooner you see it the better.

Gently, and what I see from my position…

You’ve been in this job position for 20+ yrs as well as this relationship. I don’t know how long they haven’t been working…but it’s been long enough for you to make several posts about them. Either way, they seem to be causing you considerable angst. They aren’t working for your benefit - and in that regard, maybe Life is trying to tell you something? I do find it quite interesting the parallels between the two situations.

But rather than face the simple reality that these situations are neither beneficial or even enjoyable and move on, you instead ruminate over all the details. In the ruminating/avoidance, you beat up on your self and subsequently feel worthless. It’s like the old story of the guy who visits the guru to obtain self-awareness. Each day, the guru hits the guy over the head with a stick. That’s the extent of his teaching. Until finally one day the guy dodges the hit of the stick and the guru says, Now you are beginning to learn!

Sometimes answers/resolutions are this simple.

Gently, teacherjoggergal, when have you not felt worthless?

No matter how you feel, you're lovable, loving, and capable, but you just don't and won't believe that. THAT is your biggest problem. You keep rejecting all advice about changing your attitudes toward yourself. What do you need? What can we say that will allow you to get help? What do you need to read?

You keep telling yourself you're worthless. In fact, you are are worth a lot - you're loving, lovable, and capable.

Teacherjoggergal, the issue with R is your's and your's alone. He has never been anything other than what he is. You just keep expecting him to be different, and when he isn't you feel victimized. He just did the same thing he's done other summers since you've been posting here, which is ghost you right when you have the summer off. If anything, you are out of line for expecting anything else. I'm not saying it isn't cruel, or that your hurt feelings are invalid. It's just that there is no reason to expect anything else, because every single time he does it, when he decides he needs a booty call, you welcome him back.

Try this. The next time he parks behind your car so you can't leave, tell him to move it and record yourself doing that. Give him X number of minutes to move it. And if doesn't dial 911. He can't stay on your property against your will. This doesn't have to have anything to do with his feelings. Your feelings are that you want to go to the gym, and your feelings are just as valid as his.

TJG,

Serious question: why do you believe that you and R are "in a relationship"? What is your basis for that belief?

I just feel like such discarded garbage, like nobody values any of the loyalty I've given for the past 20+ years.

I am sorry you feel discarded - that's a horrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Couple things though - jobs don't ever value loyalty. Jobs value money. Doesn't matter what job it is, it will always come down to some sort of bottom line. Just IMHO, expecting any job to value you is just borrowing heartache. As for Richard (aka DICK), yeah, he doesn't value your loyalty. He has used it against you for years and used YOU for years to prop up his precious little ego. If you want that to stop, then shut off the tap and tell him to fuck off. You have given him all this loyalty for decades that he has done absolutely not one diddly damn thing to earn.

For me? I stopped feeling worthless when I started valuing myself enough to let go of toxic people. R doesn't value you and never has, so you've had 20+ years of feeling worthless to him (which says way more about what a POS he is than about who you are). Please get yourself out of this farce of a 'relationship' - the only thing worse than wasting 20 years on someone like that is wasting 20 years and one day.

When you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

R doesn't value you mainly because you don't value YOURSELF. I've got a reading recommendation for you: Why Men Love Bitches. Don't be put off by the title. It's a great book about being true to YOURSELF and not contorting yourself every which way for a man. You NEED that message not just for your "relationship" with R, but for your relationship with the world.

I had recommended putting a good 4 hours daily into job search and networking. It doesn't sound like you've done anything in that regard. Why not? Why are you WAITING AROUND for something to come to you vs. finding it and securing it? What about networking with people at schools where you might like to teach?

Many people have suggested IC, and I am one of them. You are not going to build self-esteem without working on it, and you seem to be very passive and content to allow things to happen to you vs. making things happen. I get the feeling that people (colleagues and your students) sense your lack of backbone and self-worth and they take advantage of it. IC could be very helpful for you in that regard. Case in point: getting more comfortable with technology. This summer would have been a great opportunity to take some courses to build your confidence in using technology such as PowerPoint for your classroom. There are some great on-line courses on LinkedIn. But you have to take the initiative to do this. No one else can do it for you.

You're a grown woman--it's time to let go of the narrative of your parents controlling you. You can't change what has happened, but you can put on your big girl panties and deal with it like an adult. It's much too late to bemoan allowing your parents to control you in high school and college--it's time to deal with it and make the best of it. At this point in your career, what happened in college is immaterial.

Cat

R doesn't value you mainly because you don't value YOURSELF.

That's putting the blame on OP, and also isn't accurate. It's a lot like saying "here is why your behavior causes your partner to cheat". Even if OP starts valuing herself, it isn't going to make R value her. R is a user, not someone who is genuinely interested in who OP is. Once OP starts standing up for herself, R will walk away (assuming he hasn't already permanently walked away). The issue is OP's choice of men, and her tolerance for a man who mistreats her. She can't change who R is by acting differently.

Even if OP starts valuing herself, it isn't going to make R value her.

You don't know that.

I've seen plenty of people irl and here on SI that started valuing themselves by saying, "I don't need this sh$t. Byyyeee" just to have the wayward or abuser go, "Oh, ok. I'm sorry. I was wrong." And then they changed.

Our actions speak for us--loudly and clearly. When we value ourselves, others DO value us. And those that don't are inconsequential to us.

It's not victim blaming or shaming. It's fact that our behavior sends a message. But it's the difference between fault and responsibility. It is your responsibility to value and protect yourself. It is not your fault if people don't. You simply move on because you value and respect yourself. You don't sit and wallow in the abusive muck.

We all must take responsibility for our own relationships by leaving rather than fixing the other person, distancing from them rather than hoping they change. You don't change their lives because they are not your responsibility and you cannot control them. You change your own by not including them in your life.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:21 PM, Tuesday, July 19th]

I've seen plenty of people irl and here on SI that started valuing themselves by saying, "I don't need this sh$t. Byyyeee" just to have the wayward or abuser go, "Oh, ok. I'm sorry. I was wrong."

When abuse victims stand up for themselves, the abuser usually either reacts with violence or abandonment.

You make it sound like the switch from wayward to faithful spouse is all on the faithful spouse. Just stand up for yourself, and then the wayward becomes caring and remorseful. Most of the posts on SI indicate otherwise.

You make it sound like the switch from wayward to faithful spouse is all on the faithful spouse. Just stand up for yourself, and then the wayward becomes caring and remorseful. Most of the posts on SI indicate otherwise.

I don't think that's what OIN meant.

IME - when I finally set MY boundaries and started valuing MYSELF - my path became less about fixing him, less about worrying about the M, less about giving a shit about his behavior and more about deciding what I would or would not tolerate. For me, I was in shock and doing the pick-me tango for months after dday - doing all the 'nice' things and having all the talks and setting up MC, and and and ad nauseum. The one thing I was NOT doing during that phase was thinking about what I actually wanted and needed. It wasn't until I had the come to jesus with xwh that his behavior and continuing waywardness were intolerable, that I damn well deserved better, that things actually improved. In my case, improvement meant divorce *shrug* But in some cases when that hard boundary is laid down and then stuck to by the BS (that's the hard part - sticking to it!), it can snap the ws out of head-up-tookas mode.

Standing up for yourself is patently not about getting the wayward to do anything, it's about valuing yourself enough to stop buying the bullshit they're shoveling at you.

Well said EllieKMAS.

Spot on.