SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To keep the focus on the OP, the man she has been involved with, who has never married her or even genuinely been her boyfriend, who ghosts her periodically and has done so for years, who has been sexual with other women in public places where she was present, who blocks her car in the driveway when he feels like hanging out on her apartment even though she wants to leave...That man is never going to change his treatment of her. All of that behavior speaks volumes about his character, and people like that don't change their stripes when their victim stands up. They either get nasty, or they take off.

Suggesting to this vulnerable, confused OP that she could have a good relationship with this user if she had more self-regard is gaslighting. He is responsible for the way he has treated her over the years. She should not have allowed it, but a person like that wouldn't have treated her well if she'd had more self-esteem. He simply never would have gotten involved with her at all. He'd have found an easier mark.

Suggesting to this vulnerable, confused OP that she could have a good relationship with this user if she had more self-regard is gaslighting. He is responsible for the way he has treated her over the years.

I am suggesting nothing of the sort.

The OP has boundary issues in many areas of her life: FOO, colleagues, students and this joker. Improving her self-esteem and self-confidence is going to be key to moving forward in life successfully. It's not necessarily key to keeping this yahoo in her life because he is likely to not like her having boundaries and a sense of self worth since he has taken advantage of her NOT having those things for years.

We teach people how to treat us. When we willingly allow ourselves to be taken advantage of time after time, that is on US.

I think IC would be extremely helpful to you in a lot of areas in your life. It would give you some much-needed perspective on how beneficial and effective setting boundaries can be. It would help you be a stronger leader in the classroom and with your colleagues. It would help you recognize people like your brother who take advantage of you and how to deflect that. It would definitely show you that staying with this person who treats you so poorly is a dead end and provide you the confidence to move forward in a healthy direction.

Cat

He is responsible for the way he has treated her

Of course. We are not the cause of other people's behavior--good or bad.

over the years.

This is on her. It is unhealthy to keep people in our lives who treat us poorly. R should not have been allowed YEARS to treat her badly. If she cannot make better decisions about who to keep in her life, she cannot hope to feel better. Isn't that what this thread is about?

I hope teacherjoggergal will finally get the help she needs to draw proper boundaries with people by having high expectations for proper treatment and letting people go--permanently--those who don't want to meet those expectations.

We teach people how to treat us.

Yep. They learn what we will tolerate and what we won't.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:44 PM, Wednesday, July 20th]

Suggesting to this vulnerable, confused OP that she could have a good relationship with this user if she had more self-regard is gaslighting.

I don't see where anyone has said "If you be better then R will fall in line".

The point is that when we value ourselves we also feel comfortable drawing firm boundaries and demanding the treatment that we want and need. I know that's been true for me many many times in my life. Times when I felt used or taken advantage of or whatever - those did not improve UNTIL I said when. Until I put my boundaries in place and stopped allowing their shoddy treatment of me to continue. Understand I am not saying that I did that so they would do something - I did that because it was about what I would or would not tolerate.

She should not have allowed it, but a person like that wouldn't have treated her well if she'd had more self-esteem. He simply never would have gotten involved with her at all. He'd have found an easier mark.

This is exactly what is being said by everyone I think.

TJG I am in no way throwing any shade at you - valuing yourself is hard work and developing and communicating healthy boundaries is hard work too. It takes practice and time to get it down. But I can speak for myself that doing that work and learning how to value me has done nothing but positive things for me in my life and in my relationships. Sure, sometimes that has meant that a relationship ended... but you know? The ones that have ended when I stood up for me are not ones I have ever missed.

teacherjoggergal , the others have given you good advice.

I just wanted to give you a hug.

(((hug))))

Hi TJG . How are you feeling today?

Hi everyone. I am still here. I took a break from websites for a bit so I didn't see some of these responses until yesterday. I admit some of it hurt but maybe I deserve to hear it. Also hurtful, R seems to have gone the abandonment route with me. He still hasn't talked to me at all. Likewise, I haven't bothered to reach out. I feel like such a fool that he dumped me yet again. I really thought maybe this summer would be different, given he was still talking to me at the beginning of the month, which was later than the times he ever broke up with me in the past, and took me to the beach with him.

I have two different friends in particular who keep telling me I need to get out there and meet other men. That sounds fun, but the idea of just putting myself out there seems so intimidating and gives me the heeby jeebies.

Actually, I HAVE been doing things to try to improve my work, even though I really feel like I just need to relax and rejuvenate this summer. I made an account with LinkedIn and yes, I've checked out some of their job trainings. I also attended that job webinar you told me about, Catwoman. However, I do not want to apply for jobs outside my employer when I definitely need my pension. They are calling people in seniority order to choose schools quicker than expected, and I am scheduled to go there on Monday. I have in fact networked with some other district teachers, and so far the school I want to end up at still seems to have vacancies for science.

I admit some of it hurt but maybe I deserve to hear it.

Let's put that in a different context...you don't "deserve" to hear it, you "need" to hear it. No one is trying to shame you or make you feel badly about yourself. We only want you to feel awesome about yourself, because you are awesome...you're just having a hard time accepting that.

IMO, you should just block R so when he does call, you won't know. If he comes to your house, don't answer the door. If he gets pushy, call the police. It's time for a new beginning, TJG. You're getting ready to embark on a new journey in your teaching career - this could prove to be a great thing...a fresh start! What better way to start a new beginning than by ending a toxic relationship?

You had a "normal" for many years - it will take time to become accustomed to a new normal, but I think in time (and hopefully you'll consider IC further, or at least tap into resources that will help you grow your self esteem), you are going to feel joy that you've not experienced in a very long time.

Regarding your friends suggesting you meet new guys - you have great friends; they see your potential to be your best and awesome self and they are just looking out for you. I can understand why you're not ready to "date," but you can certainly meet new people of all genders and walks of life just to get out there and live life!

I believe in you, TJG (and many of us on SI do as well - and your friends certainly do), and I think you'll find that as you allow yourself, you will too! ((((HUGS))))

I have two different friends in particular who keep telling me I need to get out there and meet other men. That sounds fun, but the idea of just putting myself out there seems so intimidating and gives me the heeby jeebies.

You don't necessarily have to go out and meet men, but I do agree that getting out and being social might be very good for you. Go out with a girlfriend. Check out a Farmer's Market or a summer fair. Attend a meetup or a church function. Take a class in something you've always wanted to do. Just getting out and doing something outside your comfort zone would be very beneficial for you.

However, I do not want to apply for jobs outside my employer when I definitely need my pension.

No one is recommending you apply outside your district. What I AM recommending is that you go in there with a "knock-their-socks-off resume and some talking points and nail the position you want. If you attended the seminar, you'll understand that the speaker recommends quantifiable bullet points. Things that show with objective data what you can do. If you have something on Monday, spend the weekend polishing up your resume and reviewing your talking points. Luck is found at the intersection of opportunity and preparation!

Cat

Luck is found at the intersection of opportunity and preparation!

I love this!!

I have two different friends in particular who keep telling me I need to get out there and meet other men. That sounds fun, but the idea of just putting myself out there seems so intimidating and gives me the heeby jeebies.

Truthfully, you need to work on believing in your own worth first or you will end up with someone else who isn't worthy of you. Be ok with being single for a while. You've had a double shot of blows to your confidence this past year with BF and job. Believe in yourself. You are worthy of much better than you've received recently. Keep that in mind moving forward.

TJG, I'm impressed that you have taken positive steps to improve your chances of getting a position in the school district you want. Good for you. It will give you the added confidence you need in those interviews. I'll be rooting for you on Monday.

And good for you for not reaching out to R. That is the smartest thing you can do. Every day that goes by with out contact makes it easier to stay that way. You don't have to get out there and find another man just yet. I think your friends mean well. I think the best use of your time right now is solving the job issue. Who knows. Maybe you'll met someone at your new school. If you get tempted to reach out to him, post here instead.

I write resumes for a living. You can PM me if you would like me to provide some suggestions or content or style.

No one is recommending you apply outside your district. What I AM recommending is that you go in there with a "knock-their-socks-off resume

Catwoman, look I appreciate your help and everything you've done, but at this point a resume doesn't matter. This isn't about a resume. Maybe I didn't explain it the right way. I'd already submitted a resume to the site selection portal back in May, and it had already been selected for a few interviews. According to the older lady I spoke to at the union, she said I should be glad I got any interviews at all because there's many teachers who didn't even get to interview anywhere. At this point the schools don't look at resumes, or even at teachers at all, but teachers are called down to the district headquarters building to pick a school remaining from the teacher vacancy list. I've already had it confirmed that the high school I'm hoping for is still on the list. That school is still relatively local and my best bet. At this point all I have to do is wait for my scheduled appointment time on Tuesday that the school district already emailed me a few days ago. I need to stay in the district because I NEED to finish out the next 5 years so I am guaranteed to get my full pension. Thanks anyway though.

TJG, I'm impressed that you have taken positive steps to improve your chances of getting a position in the school district you want. Good for you. It will give you the added confidence you need in those interviews. I'll be rooting for you on Monday.

And good for you for not reaching out to R. That is the smartest thing you can do. Every day that goes by with out contact makes it easier to stay that way. You don't have to get out there and find another man just yet. I think your friends mean well. I think the best use of your time right now is solving the job issue. Who knows. Maybe you'll met someone at your new school. If you get tempted to reach out to him, post here instead.

Thank you. Unfortunately for me, R hasn't tried to reach out after I responded to his no-contact by not trying to contact him anymore. I worry that he is a goner for the summer, again. I guess I have known this was going to happen. That's what my one former teacher colleague friend keeps telling me, sigh.

As for meeting a new date from the new school, I would love to have that happen but I think my dating options are way more limited at work than when I'm not at work, sorry but it is what it is. When I am at work, I am always too busy and frazzled to concentrate on dating. Besides, what man would want me anyway when I'm always so frazzled and flustered at work, especially with the way my appearance tends to get worse when I'm so stressed during the school year? Last year alone I noticed that when I returned to work, I started to form a potbelly. This was probably a combination of not having enough time to go for a run or swim at the gym nearly as much as I could do during my summer off, and also because stress increases cortisol, which in turn causes belly fat. I will stay open minded to dating possibilities at this new job this fall, but I do know my options are probably much greater this summer, when I am less stressed and actually have more time on my hands. I definitely want to meet a new man, someone brand new who doesn't know all the history about R, my job, and how hard the last year has been!

Have you considered how stressful it is to have R in your life? This guy works at making you feel worthless. What kind of person thinks he can just play with someone's emotions this way? It's clear to everyone around you that he doesn't care about you one bit. You can't see it at the moment, but you are actually fortunate that he has stopped contacting you.

I know exactly how you feel, because I was in a relationship just like that. It was the first relationship I had after my husband left me for the OW. I was a perfect target for someone like him because I so badly wanted a man in my life that I was willing to put up with almost anything. I never knew if I was going to hear from him or not. I would hope to hear from him on weekends and he'd never call. But on Sunday night after 10 or 11 pm he'd show up for sex on his way home from being out with his friends all weekend.

On the rare occasions we would socialized with any of his friends, he would never introduce me as his girlfriend. Even after 5 years of sleeping with him, he'd only refer to me as his friend. It should have been as plain as day to me that he was keeping his options open, but it wasn't until I stopped all contact with him that I looked back at the reality of the situation. I thought we were in a relationship and we weren't. I was being used for sex and free meals.

To put this in perspective, I was a catch. I had owned two businesses prior to my divorce, one of which was gourmet shop and catering company and then a Bed and Breakfast. I would call and invite him to dinner because that was the one thing he'd show up for besides sex. I'm a kick ass cook. Yet if I wanted to go anywhere he couldn't fit that in. We never went to nice places for dinner, no matter how many times I fed him that week. He took me to a small bar that made good ribs about 4 times in 6 years. He would never spend holidays with me, or buy me gifts. I never even got a birthday card from him. And yet he would make very specific requests for what he wanted for Christmas or his birthday, and stupidly I'd buy those things.

I started to catch on when he took me to a sporting goods store to show me the exercise machine he wanted for Christmas. So I agreed to buy it, and then he started shopping for another $400 worth of stuff he expected me to pay for. That was the first time I said hell no. I still stayed in this situation for another year and a half, because once he knew there was a limit to my generosity, he did just the bare minimum to keep me in the game. Like he finally bought me a Christmas gift. It was a vest five sizes too big for me.

When I finally woke up and cut all contact with him I couldn't believe how much better my life became. It was hugely stressful being kept off balance for so many years. I had convinced myself he might change and start appreciating me eventually. Someday he would commit. But that was never going to happen and in fact, 30 years later he is still exactly who he was all that time. He still has no job, (he dabbles in hair brained schemes and uses people for money) he is still single, and he's living in a house that doesn't belong to him.

One thing is certain. You'll never find someone new if you keep the door open for R. Decide to cut off all opportunity for contact for your own well being. Like any other habit, the longer you go without him the easier it will get and you'll eventually scratch your head at why you ever put up with him in the first place.

Good luck on your interviews this week. I'll be praying for your success. You've got this.

Thanks, but again, it's not an interview. It is much, much simpler than that. I am simply going downtown to the school district headquarters building and choosing from a list which school I will work at, then signing my name to it.

Actually, I am not in love with R or desperate for love. You sound like my former teacher colleague friend, who accused me twice this year of being in love with R. That is not true. In fact, I've learned to like my privacy and the freedom involved with living alone. I used to want to marry R and have kids, but definitely not until after marriage, but once I hit menopause and couldn't have kids anymore, with it I lost all desire to live with him let alone marry him.

 I would love to have that happen but I think my dating options are way more limited

Besides, what man would want me anyway

You are a teacher, jogger and a swimmer. You own your house and in 5 years you will have a guaranteed income for life. You are not tied down by some loser or family. Your likely suitors will have a fantastic "dadbod" and could care less about the perfect form.

I am not sure who you see in the mirror, but perhaps you should look again. The only thing missing in your resume is confidence.

As a exmilitary man, I understand the importance of a pension. You are considered "short time". 5 years will go by quickly. It doesn't matter where you teach, because as soon as you get comfortable, all of your options will start to open up.

Look a little further down the line. Change is coming so change everything, including your perception of who you are and who is worth your time.

The only thing that is worthless is R and the fish guy.

[This message edited by 66charger at 4:32 PM, Monday, August 1st]

Actually, I am not in love with R or desperate for love.

I lost all desire to live with him let alone marry him.

And,yet,you are ok with him using you,whenever he wants. You are ok will allowing him to hurt you.

Honestly, you seem like a real catch. As mentioned,the only thing missing is your confidence and self esteem.

What man would want you? Sweetheart..a GOOD man. Unfortunately, as long as you allow R to come sniffing around whenever he has an itch, you won't meet that good man. Because a good man won't get involved with a woman who has a "sometimes boyfriend."

You are a teacher, jogger and a swimmer. You own your house and in 5 years you will have a guaranteed income for life. You are not tied down by some loser or family. Your likely suitors will have a fantastic "dadbod" and could care less about the perfect form.

I am not sure who you see in the mirror, but perhaps you should look again. The only thing missing in your resume is confidence.

I will be honest. My body has seen better days. My face has definitely seen better days. I have all these premature wrinkles and speaking of looking in the mirror, whenever I look in the mirror, I see some old lady staring back at me. I don't even recognize this tired old lady! At all! I have aged so terribly over the last 15 years alone, it's so sad to me.

Also, about the "dad bod" thing. That implies he has kids. That means I'd be tying myself to someone who is "tied down by some family", the very thing you seem to think would be a bad thing for a woman looking to date to have. What if I would prefer someone who doesn't have kids like me? If I didn't get the benefit of becoming pregnant and having my own children, why should I now be okay with someone that has kids when those same guys wouldn't want a woman who's a mother from what you're saying?

Also, I worry that men will have less sympathy for a childless "mom bod", or in my case an "old lady bod", who doesn't actually have kids than they would for a woman who has a "mom bod" to show for actually being a mom going through all the time and work to get pregnant, grow, and birth kids. I know that in the case of R, he is actually 11 years older than me but people had always mistaken HIM for being the younger one when we would go out places. (ouch) I see memes online where women with tight total crossfit bods pose with their 4+ kids and a caption that says "What's YOUR excuse?" and it has me feeling bad about myself, honestly.