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Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

Topic is Sleeping.
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:10 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022

What a wonderful update! I’m glad you have turned a corner. Your kids sound awesome. ❤️

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 638   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8771018
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 12:26 AM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Congrats T-Man.
We love the way that you are handling this situation, it appears that you are moving out of infidelity.
All the best for the next couple of weeks, especially regarding finalising the divorce.

What can you (continue to) do to help make 2023 a great new year.
Kind Regards,
FAWH

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8771026
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:08 AM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Thanks for a positive update, I got pages behind in your thread and didn’t participate lately but I’m glad you found your way with the help here. I wish you the best and you are well on your way out of the tunnel.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8771028
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 11:53 AM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Great update! May you continue on the path of healing, strength and wholeness into the new year.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 326   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8771068
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:03 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Finally, Troutman I sense in your post what I have been getting at for some time. Admittedly in retrospect maybe I was expecting it off you too early. I think I suggested way back in August:
Your happiness is not dependent on her unhappiness.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12484   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8771075
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 7:10 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

I likely won't visit here a whole lot going forward, because I'm trying to not make the infidelity the center of my life anymore. I'll pop in though with updates now and then.

It might be too soon now, but a little further on down the road when you're not so susceptible to triggering, I think your voice here could be of great comfort to others. Your progress has been amazing. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7061   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8771112
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:41 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Also, you might find the G(eneral) forum less triggering. I, too, think you can help others sooner than you expect. No obligation to do so, but you'd be welcomed.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30051   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8771114
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:08 PM on Wednesday, December 28th, 2022

Troutman, when you feel up to it, you might want to check back occasionally and support others who are facing the pain of betrayal.

I'm glad your life is getting a bit better!

posts: 12181   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8771256
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:37 PM on Wednesday, December 28th, 2022

Great update Troutman! You're finding your way out of infidelity. I would urge you not to be a stranger. You've done very well. Far better than many. I'd ask you come back to add your voice of wisdom and experience to help guide others as you were here. I think you're a positive voice here sir.

BH 60, WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings WW #1 51 since remairred twice continues to cheat even today WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage DD adult 33 DSD adult 34 DSS adult 31

posts: 277   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8771268
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 9:27 PM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022

Thank you everyone for the replies and the positive thoughts about my progress. I have to say, I never thought I'd be in this position by this point. I can attribute it to a good support system of friends and family, solid therapy including EMDR, my faith, moving fairly quickly to divorce and I think most importantly to my ability to emotionally detatch: no contact.

I will heed the thoughts of hanging around to offer advice. I agree that I can offer some good insight at this point.

I appreciate you all!

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 9:28 PM, Thursday, December 29th]

posts: 123   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8771338
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lparistotle ( member #78629) posted at 2:25 AM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

Trotman bravo on the no contact and seeking counseling to help deal with this and unresolved issues. Be prepared tour WW may already want out of this "Soul Mate" relationship because she feels isolated and only has lost the stability of family. She may try to use your son to feel you out. She has a two week timeline to try to fix this mess. Stay strong move on to bigger and better things. She left you a mess and now you are conmimg out the other side. Always move forward. you have already started living again. Continue to do so without that baggage. As they say toss it in th garbage it is of no use to you any longer.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2021   ·   location: US
id 8771368
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 2:51 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Congratulations on escaping the hell that she put you in. It’s great that your family have been there for you.

Hope all goes well with the divorce as you are approaching the finish line.

Do your friends and family have a pool king on when she knocks on your door saying she has made a terrible mistake and wants her old life back?


Has your son said anything about the ex’s visit to Boston?


You are doing great.

Hang in there, be strong, and continue to do what you have to, to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye. Maybe go for a platonic visit to your online friend???? laugh

Betrayed Spouse. She cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being Adultery. Divorced: Sept, 2018. VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 691   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8772013
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 4:11 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Definitely be prepared for the boomerang. When she sees you happy and living a kick ass life, she will try to guilt you, ask how you can throw away so many years. Don’t fall for it, stay NC

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8772022
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 2:51 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

Has your son said anything about the ex’s visit to Boston?


He said it was very awkward and tense. He told me he was very measured and monotoe with her and said "don't try the tears trick with me". He did reiterate that I remain his priority in life due to her actions, particularly with holidays and still will not remotely entertain being in the presence of AP. She apparently asked "maybe in ten years?" He laughed. Like that charade of a relationship has ten years, LOL...He also said she didn't look good, appeared aged to him and she mentioned she's taking CBD gummies regulalry. Who has the anxiety now?

Importantly, none of that is my problem any longer.

Hang in there, be strong, and continue to do what you have to, to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye. Maybe go for a platonic visit to your online friend???? laugh


Ha! Literally 10,000 miles on the other side of the world. Maybe someday...But yes, stronger every day, thanks.

Definitely be prepared for the boomerang. When she sees you happy and living a kick ass life, she will try to guilt you, ask how you can throw away so many years. Don’t fall for it, stay NC


I doubt it Tanner. The woman has never owned a mistake and soemthing tells me she won't start now! And yes, I am utterly NC.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8772302
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sven ( new member #80286) posted at 4:42 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

Did the "tears trick" work with her parents? Did they start acknowledging her again?

Did she give any explanation to her parents or your son why she did what she did, besides of being unhappy?
Why she didn’t speak up, why having an affair, why not trying to work on things?

[This message edited by sven at 4:56 PM, Friday, January 6th]

posts: 37   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8772381
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 2:32 AM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

Did the "tears trick" work with her parents? Did they start acknowledging her again?

Did she give any explanation to her parents or your son why she did what she did, besides of being unhappy?

Why she didn’t speak up, why having an affair, why not trying to work on things?

sven The "tears trick" didn't really work with her parents. They will stomach being in the same room with her at family events, but nothing is really fixed. I heard Christmas at her brother's house with all of them there was "tense".

Still no expalnation to anyone, and I don't expect it at this point, and frankly don't care and likely wouldn't find any possible answer genuine. Her mother told me she did ask WW the day they met with her why she didn't open her mouth and express anything to me or try to work on things, the answer was "it wouldn't have mattered anyway" whatever than means. So that's where her scewed up head is...

On another note my attorney's paralegal called me yesterday and the paperwork was filed with the court that day and I should have the final decree in at most four weeks, so a bit more than I thought but still close.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 2:36 AM, Sunday, January 8th]

posts: 123   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8772493
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 3:35 AM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

Strength to you in your new life’s journey.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1318   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8772501
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 8:06 AM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

Someone explained why adulterers not only risk their relation with their spouses but also with their kids and family. Cheaters don't care about their relation with their spouses. So destruction of such relation doesn't bother them as they have no intention of restoring or salvaging it in any future time. This is because they believe they have found a BETTER partner for themselves. And when it comes to their relation with their children and parents their logic is this - in time (probably in 10 or 15 years) they will gradually win their child's and parents trust back and restore such relations to its former glory. They will put some effort,time and more tears to make that happen. They know "time heals every wound". This is their mantra. So in future there is every possibility that your child and her parents might accept her back restoring their relations atleast to some extent. So don't think the present situation will last forever. And don't take any pleasure from it. So move on from her as early as possible. Your happiness should not depend on her unhappiness. INDIFFERENCE is the goal here.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8772517
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CommonLeadership48 ( new member #79928) posted at 12:31 PM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

10 years? I doubt it will last two. Still, as you say, no longer your business. You're doing a great job of overcoming this betrayal and the advice you have been giving others is golden.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   ·   location: TN
id 8772525
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Momof2greatadults ( new member #80522) posted at 11:45 PM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

Thank you Troutman for the update. I joined back in August and reading your story helped me so much in those early days of D-Day. You are about a month or so ahead of me in this journey and I can't tell you how much you helped me. It's good to know you found someone, even if they're far away, that you can talk to am in Maryland if you ever want to talk. I read the book leave a cheater gain a life and there are a lot of Facebook groups and support groups for followers of that book.
I haven't been on the boards too much lately myself either but I will update my story soon. I'm feeling much better most days but waiting till my divorce is final next month so that I can plan my next steps. I haven't been 100% no contact as we don't have a financial agreement in place I do have to exchange emails with him about bills and such. I'm unsure what to do about taxes for 2022 as he was in the house until July 31st so that's more than half a year. When I finally got his paperwork before Thanksgiving his sister the CPA recommended him convincing me to file taxes with him so that he can save $4,000 in tax liability. I'm looking into what's best for me as I don't want to be tied to his income level for a whole another year and limit myself for potential scholarships or housing credits but maybe the fact that I'll be married until February does that in itself?
Thank you for the information on that specialized therapy. I am interested in learning more about that for myself. I hope everything goes well with you and your boys as you finish up the divorce and settlement. I will be thinking of you and check back in and let us know how it goes.

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8772565
Topic is Sleeping.
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