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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:40 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

It does get better. I鈥檝e never been a good sleeper (even as a kid). The worst was during his affair - first 3 months after dday1 I literally slept 45-60 minutes a night. I didn鈥檛 take anything - I just endured.

Meanwhile the cheater is snoring soundly in bed next to me. No Sleep problems at all. 馃槨

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8759969
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:14 AM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

My recommendations to help with sleep:

Change all light bulbs in the house to Natural Bulbs

Lift weights and heavy weights at that. Heavy weight lifting scientifically exhausts your body snd helps you sleep.

1.5 MG of melatonin 1 hour before bed

800 mg ibuprofen 1 hour before bed

One glass of warm milk before bed

Go to slept with the tv on at low volume or use a white noise machine

If you can鈥檛 go to sleep get up in 20 minutes and read then try to go back go sleep.

Do not eat within a few hours of going to bed

No cell phone 2 hours before bed

Go to bed on the early side - 9:30 pm

Make the room 67 degrees (scientifically proven for sleep)

Where socks to bed (also scientifically proven)

If it sounds like I鈥檝e been there fine that you would be correct.

posts: 565   路   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8760055
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 12:48 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

I like all that except the pain reliever. Pain pills have side effects so if you don't need it it's healthier to avoid.

The best thing that happened was your sons, your relationship with their grandparents. You are fortunate there. Keep your mind on what's good. Hurt will be worked on in dreams. Your mind needs to do it. It will help you rest eventually. I'm still dreaming of hard things too.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2497   路   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8760358
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:35 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

Thanks for the ideas, they all help. Sleep may have been just a tick better over the past week. I'll take it.

Bittersweet day today. My oldest got a new job about a month ago, a great new opportunity with a nice pay increase and today he moved as he starts next Monday. In that short time he did an amazing job of taking care of business, getting out of his old lease, finding a new place, packing up etc...

His new job is in the Boston area, about six hours away. He was about 45 minutes away here. We had a nice dinner last night together. I am so appreciative of he and his brother throughout all of this. We don't really talk about what happened too much at all as it isn't their burden. They are just there for me. My oldest literally calls every day to see how I'm feeling, and mostly how my sleep is going. Just gives me little tidbits now and then to keep my chin up. They have no idea what it has meant to me. I had to drop something off at M&FIL house the other day. Unsolicited, MIL told me how both my boys have told her numerous times over the years what a good dad I've been. Maybe she's being bitter about WW, but she said they never said the same about her...

Nothing else new on divorce front. Just waiting game now. I am NC and should be able to maintain that as I have no reason to break it at this point. Baby steps day by day in my healing. People around me say they notice me getting a bit better, and even though I don't feel like I've turned much of a corner, maybe they're right. WW still subconsciously occupies too much headspace, and I do my best to kick it out. A little less every day though I guess is some progress. I fully realize how raw things still are.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 1:37 AM, Friday, October 21st]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8761383
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 4:05 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

Congratulations to your son! Someday I want to visit Boston. Maybe you two can meet in the middle 3 hours away. 3 hours is not too far.

There's a restaurant about hours from me by a friend's house. It's Chinese and all the cooks, the waiters, everybody but the lady who collects the dishes is Chinese. We're the only ones who aren't when we go. Out on the back patio are all men speaking together and smoking. Lots of people getting noodles and soup. We go between lunch and dinner when the staff eats and it's not so busy. They have a special soup with pork broth and vegetables and herbs and noodles. Everybody eats fast then back to work. Always laughing and watching sports on TV.

They have the side door turned into a to go window. So much food going out during the day.everythings very fresh and tasty and it comes to the table fast. I like the energy of it all. New years eve we went there and it was packed with people around the big circular tables. You never saw so much food!

It's fun to find places like that that have a good feeling. Now they know us better, they come over to talk. I see them laughing with the guys on the back patio. Life is good with company.

Hope you can find some places to share with your son in the new area. Lift your spirits and try something new. Good people are all around when you go looking. May you find true happiness Trout after all this sadness passes away. I can't imagine you won't draw goodness to you if you let your spirit shine. Maybe you try living in Boston too, who knows.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2497   路   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8761389
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 4:08 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

What has helped me sleep is some guided meditation. I listen to Lina Grace on YouTube, which is free. There's one of them that really helps, so I have it loop twice.

Something else that really helped was meditation. I use Headspace, but there are free apps you can find. It has really helped with thought spirals. It has helped so that I can breathe, focus and start again.

After being married for so long, it takes awhile to get them out of your head. Don't set any expectations for your first holidays apart. They suck. I look at things as being a new adventure.

You sound proud of your boys, and you should be. Sounds like you did a good job, dad.

ETA: Sometimes I will take generic Benadryl to help with sleep.

[This message edited by leafields at 4:17 AM, Friday, October 21st]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1488   路   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   路   location: Washington State
id 8761391
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Momof2greatadults ( new member #80522) posted at 11:20 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

Hello, Troutman馃憢. You Are a great Dad and have always been one馃挄. I totally understand how you feel about your son's new job in Boston. On one hand you are so proud of the adults that they have become and on the other hand you just want to be able to spend as much time as you can with them. My daughter moved 8 hours away for college and doesn't want to move back to this area. I went to our two favorite places to shop together, both here and when I visit there, (Costco and Target). I started to cry in Target just wishing she was there with me. She reminded me that she will be home for Thanksgiving in one month so I can make it until then! You will, too. Do you get to go to Boston (or close by) for your job? Like others have said, find cool places that you can go to when you visit. I like to go on TripAdvisor and scope out the recommendations for restaurants and things to do. Lots of lobster in your future!
Thanks for your book recommendation. I am listening to Leave a Cheater... Gain a Life on my public library's Hoopla app. It has been very helpful and it is so funny for such a subject that is so painful!
Thanks for keeping us updated. I have my first court scheduling meeting over Zoom in a couple of weeks. Things are finally moving! I hope you have a great weekend and are planning to do something fun smile

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   路   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   路   location: Maryland
id 8761437
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 11:59 PM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the words of encouragement.

Good people are all around when you go looking. May you find true happiness Trout after all this sadness passes away.


Thank you pureheartkit that's very kind.

Do you get to go to Boston (or close by) for your job?

I do actually. More on the south side of the city, and he's north but close enough to make it work when I get up there.

After being married for so long, it takes awhile to get them out of your head. Don't set any expectations for your first holidays apart. They suck. I look at things as being a new adventure.

My sister came up with a nice idea the other night. She will be here for Thanksgiving (as will my sons) and she suggested we decorate the Christmas tree together the next day, so I have everyone around to do that with. I've now also found out my oldest will also make it to Christmas (he wasn't intially sure with the new position), so they will both be here with me on Christmas Eve (with their grandparents) and then the three of us on Christmas. WW won't see them for either holiday.

My therapist suggested GABA for sleep to me today. Ordered it right up on Amazon! We shall see.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8761620
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 1:27 AM on Sunday, October 23rd, 2022

Troutman,

Many thanks for the update. I say, "Good for you". It takes time to adjust to operating individually rather than as part of a duo, but you will be surprised how rewarding it can be, and how many new traditions you can create and enjoy. A prime example being your sister's suggestion about decorating the tree. You will have fun, regardless of anyone who decided to make themselves surplus to requirements, because you will be surrounded by people who love you, and who you love, without any elements of dishonesty. It may feel weird at first, but after a while, it is going to feel good.

Take care, my friend. The future can be whatever you choose to make it, now you are no longer shackled to a confidence trickster.

posts: 1247   路   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   路   location: South East of England
id 8761742
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:33 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Just checking back in SI after a few weeks.

Today is a really tough day for me. It is our 30th wedding anniversary. I've been thinking about it a lot and it just gets me really down. I meant every word I said in those vows I professed that day. Clearly she didn't. Sleep has unfortunatley gotten a little worse after improving a bit with all this on my mind.

My youngest is going to have dinner with me tonight to take my mind off of things. I hope it helps. I'm just struggling to find joy in things right now. I'm doing activites and such but I just feel empty all the time.

In other news my second sister is now also coming for Thanksgiving which was a very nice surprise. I'll have all my important people around me. WW not being familiar with my oldest's new job (since they don't talk) texted him that she'd come up to Massachusetts to make him Thanksgving dinner. He told her he would be here with us. That got to her. It's only going to get worse at Christmas, as she won't see either of them then as well. The consequences are rapidly piling up. She ripped apart so much in the whole family that can just never really be fixed. Once that genie is out of the bottle you can't put it back. I know selfishness is the hallmark of cheaters, but the fact that they can't see the fallout when they engage in this behavior is mind boggling. Maybe they really just don't care...

On another note I start EMDR therapy this week to help address the trauma. I hope it helps.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 2:37 PM, Monday, November 7th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8764062
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 2:31 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Troutman:

You鈥檝e been heard. Sending strength. There are no words to make this day easier. But try and focus on the positives in your life as best you can. You have great supportive young men, supportive family and friends. And you have your integrity and honor. It will get better. Best wishes.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   路   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8764076
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:44 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

I know selfishness is the hallmark of cheaters, but the fact that they can't see the fallout when they engage in this behavior is mind boggling.

She'll blame it on you. It's what they do.

Have you thought about having a funeral for the woman you thought your STBX was? Not the ceremony as much as boxing everything of hers (physically and mental) and putting it away and as a start of moving forward. Some of that will happen as the divorce closes off the story of your marriage, but that doesn't mean you can get a head start. The reason I ask is you seem a bit stuck in grief over what you lost. The sooner you mentally shift to looking forward to the future than wistfully looking behind the better.

posts: 1367   路   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8764077
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 7:12 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

grubs

I like that idea. I'll admit I'm a bit stuck...I think there's just a lot of things right now that bring back so many memories. This long-term anniversary, Thanksgving, her birthday, Christmas.Having family who care around me through all of this will help. I think I just need time. I know full well who she is, what she became, how she has acted-I just need to uncouple that from the good memories and all the history. I'll get there.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 8:43 PM, Monday, November 7th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8764124
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:39 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Troutman, brother BS, you're 6 months out from d-day, and you're having to deal with the stress of D. If you didn't have feelings now, I'd be worried about you.

You're right: it does take time (and effort) to process the feeling that come with being betrayed. I think 6 months was my lowest point, and IIRC I stayed there for 6 months. Then, as my new life took shape, I started feeling instances of joy.

You're dealing with the trauma about as well as it can be dealt with. I know it's excruciating. I also know you've got to feel the pain to let it go.

You're almost definitely on the right course - and if you're not, have faith in yourself to figure that out pretty quickly.

And if you keep checking in, you'll get feedback. smile

Do keep checking in, though - we care about you.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27869   路   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   路   location: Illinois
id 8764129
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:38 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

This long-term anniversary, Thanksgving, her birthday, Christmas.Having family who care around me through all of this will help.

That's the grief timeline. You usually deal with it in death, but in reality this is the same. First thanksgiving, first anniversary, first birthday, first Christmas. The sorrow never fully goes away but the firsts are always the hardest.

posts: 1367   路   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8764137
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 9:25 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

I've read your posts several times now and, honestly I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have to suffer through, if my wife put me through this I could only think of it like losing an arm, or a leg, or any other big piece of myself. 30 years certainly seems like a lifetime.

I'm am, along with so many, pulling for you and hope the day arrives sooner than later that you come out the other side. There is a hell of a life out there waiting for you.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 10:21 PM, Monday, November 7th]

posts: 83   路   registered: May. 9th, 2022   路   location: New England
id 8764143
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Rocko ( new member #80436) posted at 10:12 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

WW not being familiar with my oldest's new job (since they don't talk) texted him that she'd come up to Massachusetts to make him Thanksgving dinner. He told her he would be here with us. That got to her.

Trout,

Pulling everyday for you! The support you're receiving from those that truly love and respect you is amazing! The Holidays are going to be tough for you, but hers are going to be a shit show.

Good Luck

posts: 15   路   registered: Jul. 18th, 2022   路   location: Where It's Hot
id 8764146
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 10:27 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

You're doing great all things considered, keep on keeping on!, I hope you're in a much better place after the next 6 months.

posts: 2691   路   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8764148
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Hurthalo ( member #41782) posted at 12:16 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

Troutman,

Brother, your D-Day was literally about two weeks before mine, and I have just digested your thread. About the only thing different from yours and mine is that my WW didn't move in with the AP, she got broken up with/broke up with him three months before I found out what was going on. Turns out the AP was in a polyamorous relationship with his wife (they are now divorced) and two other GFs. My WW was his third. Yeah, what a catch right?

10 years of marriage up in smoke, with absolutely zero signs that she was unhappy. My dumb ass was at home holding 3 kids under 10 together while working FT, while she was away with work constantly. I was happy to keep the home fires going though, because I was under the impression that my support was whjat one did in a partnership of two loving people. Instead, I got served the same fecal sandwich you and I are both digesting.

Never ONCE did WW express her unhappiness. Nothing, zero, zip, nada, never even goaded me into a fight or truly gave the cold shoulder or anything like that. On the surface everything was normal. As we all know, even people in good marriages cheat. Usually because of a serious defect on the part of the cheater. Even if she truly was unhappy, I'm not a mind reader. The woman can get moody, but that has been the case for all thrity years.

I had no sign either. Zero. Next minute I know, I'm being fed trickle truth about the guy at work I was always worried was sniffing around. She wasn't unhappy, she just had OPPORTUNITY. She selfishly took it.

My sister raised the interesting point recently, about the "perfect storm" confluence of both sons departing, COVID restrictions, a lot of conflicts with her family and boss, serious uptake in alcohol consumption and menopause. In roughly mid 2020 once my youngest finished college and left she started spending more time with her former co-workers which included OM. I thought little of it at the time, but that's when it all started. Everyone knows how slippery the slope is into an EA, especially from someone you've known for awhile, and who used you as a sounding board for their own divorce. I can alomst script exactly how it happened.

They have no boundaries whatsoever, and this is their problem. In the case of my WW, it was a perfect storm of COVID, going away for Defence courses, dislocation of family, and the knowledge that I was a 'safe pair of hands' to keep the house and family going while she was off 'finding her true self.'

I was lying in a heap on the couch in shock, and she basically just stepped over me to go do laundry. That is sociopathic level stuff right there. Never once tried to console or tell me she was sorry it came to this. I didn't sleep five minutes that night.

That's because they ARE sociopathic. To throw your entire life and family on the fire to chase a temporary inferior partner, is sociopathic. To date, I still haven't received an apology from her yet. I know she feels shame because she has said so, but shame is purely your feelings of what you think OTHERS think of your actions - it's not remorse for the person/people you hurt. I vomited in the toilet for a good half an hour when I found out and she sat on the bed listlessly staring.

Bottom line. She made horrific choices and now has to live with resultant fall-out. Achieving your happiness at the expense of another person is really shitty, selfish, entitled behavior and that is what she did. Neither my sons nor her parents are suggesting she stay in the marriage and be unhappy, in fact I would lose the respect of all of them if I took her back, and that's more important to me than anything. Marriage is a serious commitment. I took my vows very seriously. Everyone will be unhappy at times, and certainy after thirty years you fade from that early "infatuation" type of love. That mature love, which requires respect and being selfless certainly didn't resonate with her, and she clearly didn't make the effort required to grow emotionally. She's literally acting like some 16 year old with their first crush. Going out drinking and such, which she never did before (just did it at home...). I guess that goes with her assinie statement to me on DDay that we "just aren't compatible" (Since I don't really drink, and have always been that way). You're figuring that out now??? I was certainly compatible for all the years of heavy lifting when it came to raising chidren, putting a roof over our heads, all that private school tuition and us wanting for very little. Literally thousands of nights on the road over the years, doing the right thing by my family, and the thanks I get is the cheating, lying and sneaking around while I'm off doing that. Business travel is rife with opportunities to cheat. It never once crossed my mind.

THIS. It's amazing how they will re-invent the marriage history to openly admit that you were an A-grade a$$hole, and yet none of what actually transpired would suggest you were. Reading through her chat transcripts with her best friend (the way I actually found out the truth), I was actually pillorised at one point for, get this, 'assembling an office chair in the lounge room after work'. As if the inconvenience of the work of 10 minutes with a spanner somehow validated her getting the back knocked out of her without protection with her polyamorist AP.

WW has exposed herself as an immature, entitled, selfish brat. It will take me a long time to forgive/forget and we will NOT be friends. I will not have a relationship with someone who did what she did to me. The rest of them can work those dynamics out on their own terms. My son was very clear to her apparently on the phone as to the damage she's done to me (depression, insomnia, anxiety) and his concern for my well being, how he checks on me every day and tries to see me once a week. She. Didn't. Care. When someone is that heartless and just utterly lacks emapthy and you dismiss a son's concern as to how you effected the well being of his father than you deserve every bit of scorn they heap on you. Your behavior literally makes you a bad person.

During the course of her affair, right after she returned from a work trip, I ended up in the ER with crippling chest pains convinced I was having a heart attack. Turns out it was anxiety. I'd like to think that part of me on some sub-conscious level KNEW that something was amiss. She actually said to me, 'amazing timing that this happens right after I get back from a work trip.' Really? That's your key takeaway? It's funny how they actually can't fathom that their behaviour means you don't want to be friendly towards them. My STBXWW seems literally shocked that I want nothing to do with her, or want to reciprocate to her sending me funny memes/pictures/mindless gossip about her day. We wouldn't converse ever again with someone who treated us like they have, why the hell would we even attempt to? I barely keep up with the GOOD people in my life I consider friends who have my back in a heartbeat, why would we give even a scintilla of our valuable time to someone whose very action show tangibly that they treat us with utter contempt?

Stay strong brother, you - and I - have got this.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 12:16 PM, Tuesday, November 8th]

posts: 185   路   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   路   location: Australia
id 8764180
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:40 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

I do t think many of the cheating spouses are "unhappy" until they meet the AP.

My H wasn鈥檛 unhappy. He was just thinking he was "entitled to be happy" while trashing our marriage. And b/c the much younger OW was an ego boost to him and his mid life crisis, he gave himself permission to have an affair.

Just my opinion but I believe the opportunity of a potential affair causes the " unhappiness" in the cheater. After all the cheaters need to blame someone for their affair, because they certainly are NOT going to blame themselves.

Funny thing is I used to tell my H that if you meet someone and you decide you would rather be with them than me, just man up and tell me. Don鈥檛 cheat. Because at least I will still have some respect for you.

Yeah he didn鈥檛 listen to that logic either.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8764198
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