Brother, your D-Day was literally about two weeks before mine, and I have just digested your thread. About the only thing different from yours and mine is that my WW didn't move in with the AP, she got broken up with/broke up with him three months before I found out what was going on. Turns out the AP was in a polyamorous relationship with his wife (they are now divorced) and two other GFs. My WW was his third. Yeah, what a catch right?
10 years of marriage up in smoke, with absolutely zero signs that she was unhappy. My dumb ass was at home holding 3 kids under 10 together while working FT, while she was away with work constantly. I was happy to keep the home fires going though, because I was under the impression that my support was whjat one did in a partnership of two loving people. Instead, I got served the same fecal sandwich you and I are both digesting.
Never ONCE did WW express her unhappiness. Nothing, zero, zip, nada, never even goaded me into a fight or truly gave the cold shoulder or anything like that. On the surface everything was normal. As we all know, even people in good marriages cheat. Usually because of a serious defect on the part of the cheater. Even if she truly was unhappy, I'm not a mind reader. The woman can get moody, but that has been the case for all thrity years.
I had no sign either. Zero. Next minute I know, I'm being fed trickle truth about the guy at work I was always worried was sniffing around. She wasn't unhappy, she just had OPPORTUNITY. She selfishly took it.
My sister raised the interesting point recently, about the "perfect storm" confluence of both sons departing, COVID restrictions, a lot of conflicts with her family and boss, serious uptake in alcohol consumption and menopause. In roughly mid 2020 once my youngest finished college and left she started spending more time with her former co-workers which included OM. I thought little of it at the time, but that's when it all started. Everyone knows how slippery the slope is into an EA, especially from someone you've known for awhile, and who used you as a sounding board for their own divorce. I can alomst script exactly how it happened.
They have no boundaries whatsoever, and this is their problem. In the case of my WW, it was a perfect storm of COVID, going away for Defence courses, dislocation of family, and the knowledge that I was a 'safe pair of hands' to keep the house and family going while she was off 'finding her true self.'
I was lying in a heap on the couch in shock, and she basically just stepped over me to go do laundry. That is sociopathic level stuff right there. Never once tried to console or tell me she was sorry it came to this. I didn't sleep five minutes that night.
That's because they ARE sociopathic. To throw your entire life and family on the fire to chase a temporary inferior partner, is sociopathic. To date, I still haven't received an apology from her yet. I know she feels shame because she has said so, but shame is purely your feelings of what you think OTHERS think of your actions - it's not remorse for the person/people you hurt. I vomited in the toilet for a good half an hour when I found out and she sat on the bed listlessly staring.
Bottom line. She made horrific choices and now has to live with resultant fall-out. Achieving your happiness at the expense of another person is really shitty, selfish, entitled behavior and that is what she did. Neither my sons nor her parents are suggesting she stay in the marriage and be unhappy, in fact I would lose the respect of all of them if I took her back, and that's more important to me than anything. Marriage is a serious commitment. I took my vows very seriously. Everyone will be unhappy at times, and certainy after thirty years you fade from that early "infatuation" type of love. That mature love, which requires respect and being selfless certainly didn't resonate with her, and she clearly didn't make the effort required to grow emotionally. She's literally acting like some 16 year old with their first crush. Going out drinking and such, which she never did before (just did it at home...). I guess that goes with her assinie statement to me on DDay that we "just aren't compatible" (Since I don't really drink, and have always been that way). You're figuring that out now??? I was certainly compatible for all the years of heavy lifting when it came to raising chidren, putting a roof over our heads, all that private school tuition and us wanting for very little. Literally thousands of nights on the road over the years, doing the right thing by my family, and the thanks I get is the cheating, lying and sneaking around while I'm off doing that. Business travel is rife with opportunities to cheat. It never once crossed my mind.
THIS. It's amazing how they will re-invent the marriage history to openly admit that you were an A-grade a$$hole, and yet none of what actually transpired would suggest you were. Reading through her chat transcripts with her best friend (the way I actually found out the truth), I was actually pillorised at one point for, get this, 'assembling an office chair in the lounge room after work'. As if the inconvenience of the work of 10 minutes with a spanner somehow validated her getting the back knocked out of her without protection with her polyamorist AP.
WW has exposed herself as an immature, entitled, selfish brat. It will take me a long time to forgive/forget and we will NOT be friends. I will not have a relationship with someone who did what she did to me. The rest of them can work those dynamics out on their own terms. My son was very clear to her apparently on the phone as to the damage she's done to me (depression, insomnia, anxiety) and his concern for my well being, how he checks on me every day and tries to see me once a week. She. Didn't. Care. When someone is that heartless and just utterly lacks emapthy and you dismiss a son's concern as to how you effected the well being of his father than you deserve every bit of scorn they heap on you. Your behavior literally makes you a bad person.
During the course of her affair, right after she returned from a work trip, I ended up in the ER with crippling chest pains convinced I was having a heart attack. Turns out it was anxiety. I'd like to think that part of me on some sub-conscious level KNEW that something was amiss. She actually said to me, 'amazing timing that this happens right after I get back from a work trip.' Really? That's your key takeaway? It's funny how they actually can't fathom that their behaviour means you don't want to be friendly towards them. My STBXWW seems literally shocked that I want nothing to do with her, or want to reciprocate to her sending me funny memes/pictures/mindless gossip about her day. We wouldn't converse ever again with someone who treated us like they have, why the hell would we even attempt to? I barely keep up with the GOOD people in my life I consider friends who have my back in a heartbeat, why would we give even a scintilla of our valuable time to someone whose very action show tangibly that they treat us with utter contempt?
Stay strong brother, you - and I - have got this.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 12:16 PM, Tuesday, November 8th]