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Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Troutman, I had a very similar marriage to yours. By all involved, myself, my family, my WW's family which included her brother, mom, dad and extended family all felt and believed that we had a great marriage that was the envy of others. In fact, her own father would let all his friends and coworkers know how great our relationship was and all the great things we were doing. Her own friends, who were also friendly with me felt the same way.

I also worked my ass off, and got our family into great financial shape.

It didn't matter. She never told me once she was unhappy until I found out she was having an affair. So the shock we all experience when I found out she was cheating really blew up the entire family and friend group. She was weak and waited to monkey branch off to someone else when her AP came along. He is no winner by the way, his wife was pregnant when he got together to cheat with my ex.

I'm now over 5 yrs out and remarried. Your journey is just in the first quarter of this ball game. I know you will see this for what is is years from now. Even though you had no say in the matter of the divorce since your WW walked away, you will be in a way better position yrs from now. YOu now know who she is and whats she capabable of. You can't trust this woman to take care of you if you get sick, she can just discard you easily as you've seen.

No one forced her to stayed married to you, not your son, not her parents. She had every chance to voice her displeasure, but she never did! Its because she's weak, but at the same time a selfish shady morally corrupt woman. If she was so unhappy how come her parents and kids didn't know. She didn't bother to tell anyone, until the day that a Don Juan who likes to fuck with married women comes and sweet talks her away, someone who has shit for boundaries going after another mans wife? You don't need to back up your claims about your relationship to us. We see this shit all the time. Its feelings that she wants, let her have them and she will bask in her new euphoria for now, but it won't last forever. Just like no one was asking her to stay married if she was unhappy, no one was forcing her to also not say anything or do nothing about it.

posts: 1377   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8758300
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 9:28 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Troutman,

You have been heard, and I hope your words will sink in with everyone, so that they understand the true nature of the person that you were dealing with, and the prolonged deceit and gaslighting that you were subjected to. Your WW needs no defending in this thread, because in her deluded mind she has done no wrong. I am sure that is a big contributor to the anger so many people directly involved in this are feeling. She has shown those people who she really is.

In my view, you, your sons, her parents, and everyone else involved, have a right to their feelings about her. You, and they, have no obligation to argue or justify any feelings or decisions about her and the amount of contact with her that is desired. If her callous indifference to the impact of her actions has left a series of bridges burning behind her, so be it. It is her doing, and her choice. The wisdom of maintaining a relationship with a proven abuser who has chosen to leave is questionable at best. I believe keeping a person like that in your lives can prevent you and the other people who have been treated as justifiable human collateral damage from healing, and from having better, brighter lives without her ongoing involvement.

Your WW did not have a twenty year "friendship" with her AP; she had a twenty year second relationship, into which she poured a poured a proportion of the energy - both emotional and romantic - that she rightfully should have been putting into the marriage. That was her decision. If a marriage she did not commit to or support fully gave her cause for being miserable, she was the architect of her own unhappiness by virtue of that lack of support for you and the marriage.

Personally, I do not believe she was miserable. Absolutely nothing in this thread suggests it. I believe your analysis of her being an immature, selfish brat is accurate, based on her actions, and your closeness to her for thirty years. Although she is a deeply deceitful person, I am sure that you knew a lot of what you have said here all along. We often do, but we ignore our gut feelings.

I said this earlier in your thread, but I will repeat it again here: life has a lot to offer you, and as time passes, you may come to see your WW's departure as the biggest favor she ever did you.

[This message edited by M1965 at 9:59 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8758344
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 9:43 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

I agree with everything said in the above post. What is maddening as well as mind blowing is her level of arrogance, condescension, and vanity. As if despite her horrid deception and betrayal, she has done nothing wrong. That's some super high level ego there. Let that sink in for a minute.

Do read up on "narcissist discard ". I think you will see many similarities to your WW's behavior. No contact means she can not continue to hurt you. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:44 PM, October 5th (Wednesday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8758346
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 10:27 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Life in unicorn 🦄 fart land. It is all about her, her life, her feelings and fantasy. Just her, no else matters, no one is affected by her action. If she was to think of the families then it would show her who she really is.

You are doing well, keep looking after yourself and family. Keep up the no contact. Why indulge her world?

As she isolates from her former family and friends she will be more reliant on her POS AP. Every time he is late she will wonder is he cheating. Every time he is stuck in traffic, she will wonder who is he with! What a life to live. Also AP will be watching her like a hawk. If she cheated with me, she will cheat on me. What a life!! Also ad in alcohol, what a recipe for a disaster.

If she ever reaches out for a family event, children’s birthday, marriage or the birth of a grand child. You don’t have to talk to her, not even eye contact. She will flaunt AP to everyone and get across how better she is off now. In reality she will just be a lonely woman that has realised that she stuffed up.

You are so right if she was not happy why couldn’t she open that mouth of her and say something?

Yep monkey branching.
One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 10:43 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

Buffer

posts: 1249   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8758352
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CommonLeadership48 ( new member #79928) posted at 4:16 AM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

I told her last time, anything left at this point is fair game for me to keep, chuck or sell. She doesn't seem to care about the life and home she's left behind. It's insane really. She's off the deep end from the way she dug her heels in with my son on the phone. Of all people if he can't get through, no one will. She's truly lost.

Then, chuck it. Any and all reminders. Consult a lawyer before you do; otherwise, she'll convince the judge you deliberately destroyed her belongings and she deserves compensation

posts: 15   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   ·   location: TN
id 8758382
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 5:14 AM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Time to change the focus to you and your future. What are you doing for you?

I had a neighbor who went through the same thing when his wife went to her 25 th high school reunion. She left for OM. They have three kids. The WW was not invited to any of children's weddings nor saw them until she and OM broke up three years later.

He remarried and they all get along. His new wife is very close with the kids. It has been 10 years now and the kids do see their mom but they are not very close.

making it through

posts: 1350   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8758384
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:40 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

I can't reply to all of you individualy, but thank you to everyone who responded to my long post. The care and concern of strangers, who actually understand these situations is welcome and helpful. It was very cathartic for me to write that last post.

My goal this week and going forward in therapy is to foucs more on my healing. I feel like I am spinning my wheels and the whole series of events is taking up too much head space in my world. My son (who was a psychology major for one semester in college...LOL) said something to me yesterday that really resonated: "make your world small". He meant to focus on only one thing at a time, just get through that and then on to my next task in life. To stop trying to unwind this mess in my head. It's unreal how amazing he and his brother are. I am the proudest dad in the world.

I'm a problem solver. That's what I do, and I think I've been trying to "fix" something that can't be fixed. I will never get into the head of of WW. I firmly believe that no one can act the way she has done without some type of personality disorder; normal people can't do these things. I need to remind myself that she is no longer my problem. The hard part comes from trying to shut off thrity years of feelings, that were there unitl the moment of DDay. I loved her until that moment more than she will ever know, and would have died for her. To see the woman you love, the one who was such a great mother turn into an unrecognizable person like this is the hardest thing to get past.

I need to keep repeating aline I saw somewhere: "I am a good person. I deserve better".

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 4:38 PM, Thursday, October 6th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8758410
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:44 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Just do the next thing. I write that often. BSs have an explosion internally, mentally and physically, and destroys the ability to think rationally. What your son said is perfect. On a list of to do items put the most important and do that. In fact don’t use a computer. Paper and pen help you physically narrow things down. Put things in order of their importance and write them down. Once one is accomplished mark it with a yellow marker. Oddly, having that list next to you will give you a sense of order, something your brain desperately needs. Connecting body movements(writing) to thinking pulls you into your small world.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8758425
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 12:12 AM on Saturday, October 15th, 2022

Hope you're doing ok TM.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8759669
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:30 AM on Saturday, October 15th, 2022

Troutman.

I see so much of myself in you. I tried to understand and make sense of the affair, his sudden demand did a D, why he cheated again etc.

I think often the cheating spouse is not "unhappy" until they meet the AP. And then the BS is just an annoyance.

I finally stopped torturing myself after about 2 years b/c I stopped asking questions and getting answers I just could not wrap my head around. But I did figure things out in my own and I believe in myself and I know I’m not wrong.

Im not saying my H’s lying. I’m saying I had deeper insight into who he is or was. And I see things a bit differently than he does.

My advice is to stop trying to analyze where it went south. Sometimes the cheater doesn’t even know. They just know they made a decision to lie and cheat. And sometimes we, as the betrayed, just have to accept it.

I hope this helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12780   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8759676
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 3:28 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2022

DobleTraicion

Hope you're doing ok TM.

Hanging in there. Currently just feeling very lonely. I miss companionship, having someone to share my day with, talk about our kid's accomplishments, enjoy meals and activities together. Not necessarily missing her specifically at this point though if that makes sense. It's tough after having someone in your life that you shared everything with for so very long.

I picked up a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Seems like a good resource for those of us whose spouses not only betrayed, but just up and left with no real warning. Severing the long-term pair bond involutarily is VERY difficult. Just started the book.

The1stWife

Thanks, it is helpful. I had a nice chat with FIL the other day, since I had called to see how he was doing post-surgery. He brought the subject of his daughter up, not me. He's been pretty reserved about the whole thing, but we talked for awhile and he said the same thing about over-analyzing. He and I are both logical/rational people and these things can easily tie you in knots. He also reiterated a very important point as to her behavior with everyone throughout this: she is never wrong, and will never admit to being wrong. It explains a lot, but does not excuse her behavior.

Did have my appt. this week with sleep specialist. Didin't get too far, since it's not physical. He did prescribe Lunesta, which after a few nights here hasn't done much. Hopefully it starts to improve soon. I have found a little more motivation to get out with hobbies in the last week, so hopefully I can build on that. My therapist and sisters both say I am making good progress, I just don't always feel like I am. I guess things are still really raw here at just under four months.As my sister likes to say "grant yourself some grace".

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 4:40 PM, Saturday, October 15th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8759715
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 4:02 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2022

Hang in there Troutman, you are still very early in dealing with this betrayal. Your FIL and sisters and boys are very wise, and have your best interests at heart. Do grant yourself some grace.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8759719
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 11:56 AM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Severing the long-term pair bond involutarily is VERY difficult

It absolutely must be incredibly hard. 30 years of marital relationship gone in a blink can be nothing but massively shocking.

Youre doing the best you can and that is enough for now. Reading, staying active, connecting with your kids, family and close friends, therapy, all of it will play a part in your healing and restoration over time.


I'm now over 5 yrs out and remarried. Your journey is just in the first quarter of this ball game. I know you will see this for what is is years from now. Even though you had no say in the matter of the divorce since your WW walked away, you will be in a way better position yrs from now.

What a great glimpse into your possible future from HalfTime2017.

Strength, peace and healing to you TM.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8759833
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:31 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Troutman. It’s only been 4 months. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Sadly the healing is slow. We all want to get off the infidelity train but it is just not that fast to heal and address the trauma.

Look back at where you were 3 months ago and I am certain you see improvement from that time until present.

3 months from now you will continue to see healing and improvement on how you feel and where you are in your recovery.

To me the first 6 months are the worst.

Have patience. You will get there. You will survive this. We all do.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12780   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8759860
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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 2:53 AM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

Hang in there Troutman. There are a number of us who don't post but are rooting for you.

[This message edited by paboy at 7:53 AM, Monday, October 17th]

posts: 613   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8759895
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:55 AM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

At four months, if you're able to get out of bed and brush your teeth, you're doing great. Anything else is gravy. Hang in there - you're doing great.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1488   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8759903
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 2:18 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

I appreciate all the support everyone, thank you.

I did see the sleep specialist last week. Unfortuntaely, not being a physical issue it's going to be tough. He put me on Lunesta, which hasn't really helped that much, and I feel jittery during the day. Still fall asleep OK, it's just waking up in middle of night and not getting back. I've tried every combination of medication, natural remedies (mealtonin and such), getting up to read after not falling back to sleep in short order, I've changed bedrooms. Everything...It's really doing a number on me and I feel like my brain is in a fog, can't concentrate. Sitting here at my desk trying to work is tough, and I had some bad anxiety issues this morning, with no real trigger. Not really sure where to go from here but I can't continue like this. I may need some other type of therapy that can focus on the sleep somehow. I'm so frustrated...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 2:34 PM, Monday, October 17th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8759926
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:43 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

Have you tried EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing)? It's thought that EMDR mimics the processing we do in our sleep and helps shift traumatic data into more proper storage. I know a lot of people report nightmares after the trauma of infidelity, but I what I found was that my brain was protecting me in my sleep by not letting me anywhere near that injury. If I drifted too close to the subject matter, I popped up awake and couldn't get back to sleep for hours. I was so exhausted and this went on for a long, long time. It did get better though, and I do wonder if I'd had EMDR earlier if I might have avoided some of that sleeplessness.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8759935
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

ChamomileTea
Yes. I literally just sent inquiry this morning to a new psychotherapy center about EMDR. My current therapist thinks it is a good idea, but she doesn't do it.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8759941
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:38 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

Selenium is good for reducing anxiety. A couple of Brazil nuts contains the starting dose. Brazil nuts are expensive but delicious enough to be worth the price.

I was plagued by waking up and not being able to fall asleep again so I have a sense of what you're going through. I sleep much better when I get my 3 Brazil nuts a day (2 is OK, 3 is better for me).

Also, you're still in the throes of processing this stuff. You've been attacked at your your weakest point, and it takes much longer than anyone thinks it should to recover. IOW, you may not sleep well now, but as time goes on, you may recover.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27869   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8759942
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