Ok, this is gonna be long...
Never ONCE did WW express her unhappiness. Nothing, zero, zip, nada, never even goaded me into a fight or truly gave the cold shoulder or anything like that. On the surface everything was normal. As we all know, even people in good marriages cheat. Usually because of a serious defect on the part of the cheater. Even if she truly was unhappy, I'm not a mind reader. The woman can get moody, but that has been the case for all thrity years.
I would get up at the crack of dawn when I went fishing and was usually home before she had really started her day, so I certainly wasn't selfish with my time to her exclusion. I did all that so WE could spend time together. That was like pulling teeth really. She has no interests outside of shopping, watching TV and playing golf (which we did together).
My sister raised the interesting point recently, about the "perfect storm" confluence of both sons departing, COVID restrictions, a lot of conflicts with her family and boss, serious uptake in alcohol consumption and menopause. In roughly mid 2020 once my youngest finished college and left she started spending more time with her former co-workers which included OM. I thought little of it at the time, but that's when it all started. Everyone knows how slippery the slope is into an EA, especially from someone you've known for awhile, and who used you as a sounding board for their own divorce. I can alomst script exactly how it happened.
In terms of specific personality traits she has several that play a role in her actions I feel. First, she is NEVER wrong. I think this goes a long way toward her doubling down, not admitting any error of her ways, even to my son, who called out her specific action of adultery being wrong and she basically said that was his opinion. Frightening. Secondly, she's terribly conflict avoidant, which may be why she never opened her mouth. That is NOT how mature adults handle relationship issues, sorry. How on earth was our perception of the state of our marriage so different? She took the easy, cowardly route out, which also was the route that resulted in REAL emotional, physical, and mental damage to me. No remorse, no shame, no regret.She just quit. Here's the kicker though, she told her sibling she was going to leave a year ago (mind you she was deep in the affair by this point). Why not then? I'll tell you why, she didn't fully know she had him locked in yet and didn't have the monkey branch set up. If you REALLY want to leave, then do so. Go live on your own. Fix YOUR issues first, and then maybe start a new relationsip. That would have required more effort and honesty than she was willing to undertake.
I was obviously the only one there when she broke the news and discarded me out of left field. I have never seen so much venom in my life. She literally turned on a dime after we had a normal lunch together just hours before. I was lying in a heap on the couch in shock, and she basically just stepped over me to go do laundry. That is sociopathic level stuff right there. Never once tried to console or tell me she was sorry it came to this. I didn't sleep five minutes that night. She slept in my son's old room. At one point I was rooting around and found the Tylenol PM to try to sleep. Apparently she heard that, because in the morning I got "I was worried when I heard you in there with the pills". So worried that you never bothered to come check if maybe I was trying to OD. So save me the false concern. THIS is the person I am dealing with.
Now...with regard to her parents and our sons. Be clear, NO ONE on this forum knows the true dynamics of this family, even after all I have shared. I'll tell you her parent's hang ups. First, FIL is the most upstanding moral person I have ever met. He is hung up on the fact that she not only committed long-term adultery, but doubled down on DDay and moved right in with OM, while we are still married. He's seen that she is a patholigcal liar and manipulator as well. MIL agrees, but also can't get past WW icy cold discard of me like a used bag of trash. They communicated the day after DDay, and WW stated "it didn't go well, I couldn't leave, but I stand by all my actions" MIL was done right there. Quite frankly, MIL likes me better than her own daughter, so she's upset as if it was one of her own children who was betrayed. Bottom line, she hurt someone who they love like a son.You can be really upset with really bad actions. In fact I admire the fact that they didn't play the "blood is thicker than water " game and try to rationalize their daughter's actions. They've taken a principled stand. Bottom line, they think their daughter has behaved horribly and have chosen, on their own, to not have anything to do with her.
FIL was in the hospital this week, and that would have been the perfect occasion for WW to try to reach out to see how he was doing and try to smooth things over. NOTHING. Once someone crosses her (in her mind), she basically writes them off. The last time she and I spoke about it about seven weeks ago she said "they know my number".
In terms of my sons, they both see her as the biggest hypocrite now. This is a woman who preached the improtance of morality and virtue, and we spent a small fortune sending them to Catholic school through High School for that very reason. My yougest was super disappointed that she literally just moved in with OM days after DDay, no effort to make amends, stop her actions or acknowledge she was wrong. They have lost all respect for her and she deserves all the consequences of a strained relationship with them as a result. Actions have consequences. Even before my oldest finally spoke to her last week, she made such little effort, merely sending the random text (usually totally disconnected from reality). I would have been crawling thorugh broken glass to fix the relationship with my children.Nope, too busy in fantasy land.And.. when she has whined to her brother about them, it has always been how it has affected it her specifically. Not how her children might be feeling about how you willfully hurt their father.
On that note, here's another story that shows her utter selfishness. Eldest moved into his new apartment last June. He asked her multiple times to come by and see it and the two of them could grab dinner or the like, maybe on a night I was away for work (I had been to his aprtment numerous times). She never went. It all makes sense now , as those nights I was gone she was busy with OM. Again utter selfishness. It hurt him to think she couldn't care less.
Bottom line. She made horrific choices and now has to live with resultant fall-out. Achieving your happiness at the expense of another person is really shitty, selfish, entitled behavior and that is what she did. Neither my sons nor her parents are suggesting she stay in the marriage and be unhappy, in fact I would lose the respect of all of them if I took her back, and that's more important to me than anything. Marriage is a serious commitment. I took my vows very seriously. Everyone will be unhappy at times, and certainy after thirty years you fade from that early "infatuation" type of love. That mature love, which requires respect and being selfless certainly didn't resonate with her, and she clearly didn't make the effort required to grow emotionally. She's literally acting like some 16 year old with their first crush. Going out drinking and such, which she never did before (just did it at home...). I guess that goes with her assinie statement to me on DDay that we "just aren't compatible" (Since I don't really drink, and have always been that way). You're figuring that out now??? I was certainly compatible for all the years of heavy lifting when it came to raising chidren, putting a roof over our heads, all that private school tuition and us wanting for very little. Literally thousands of nights on the road over the years, doing the right thing by my family, and the thanks I get is the cheating, lying and sneaking around while I'm off doing that.Business travel is rife with opportunities to cheat. It never once crossed my mind.
WW has exposed herself as an immature, entitled, selfish brat.It will take me a long time to forgive/forget and we will NOT be friends. I will not have a relationship with someone who did what she did to me. The rest of them can work those dynamics out on their own terms. My son was very clear to her apparently on the phone as to the damage she's done to me (depression, insomnia, anxiety) and his concern for my well being, how he checks on me every day and tries to see me once a week. She. Didn't. Care. When someone is that heartless and just utterly lacks emapthy and you dismiss a son's concern as to how you effected the well being of his father than you deserve every bit of scorn they heap on you. Your behavior literally makes you a bad person.
[This message edited by Troutman523 at 3:41 AM, Wednesday, October 5th]