Ic might be working finally. I still suck at sex and just talking out loud.
It has been a long road but finally the pain is starting to subside. The majority of the pain has been from 20 years ago. My girlfriend at the time slept with my best friend. Death in the family, moving into my parents basement, loosing my entire social network in my early 20s Lead me to do something I did not realize. I rug swept myself. I put all the anger and hate on them. Then wondered why I still hurt and obsessed. Why could I not forgive? It was because I needed to forgive myself. I needed to forgive myself for loving someone who never cared for me. For putting so much hope and faith into another person. For allowing my identity to be taken by a witch, and for allowing for my trust to be gone forever. With these things I hurt myself. My anger was so directed at them, for hurting me, I could not see it was me that I was mad at. I was protecting myself from knowing I hated myself. I just could not take anymore shit kicking to my ego. I always wondered why I still cared. It Finally hit me that I do not. With tears and relief I was okay. Now what? I had to forgive this silly kid, who thought women were angels that could solve all your problems. As I did, indifference washed over me. For the first time in 20 years I slept like a baby. My current wife, who had an affair Ea 7 years ago, and would not stop until I threatened to leave, I seemed to have forgiven a lot easier. Though there is a lot of work I would like to do. We do not have sex. I am not sure if it is because she does not find me attractive anymore, which hurts. She never asks. Or if it is because I do not think I am attractive. I never ask. After being a bullied in hi school, some sexual kind of abuse I cannot really remember, and being cheated on twice, does not leave you feeling like a stud. I will never trust anyone fully again. Also coming from a family that loved me so much, I just never been able to understand how people treat each other like crap. I just cannot even seem to want to get the energy to make the effort. We are happy, seem to love each other and do everything together. It just makes me sad that I might be missing out on exciting part of life or robbing her of one. Sex Has never been that fun for me. I am always totally fixated on the other person’s pleasure, or I dissociate and dream I am somewhere else. I just can never let go. It just is not easy for me. I have faked more orgasms then I have had. Guess it is the next thing I need to work on. But I just might be too broken. I know too much information lol. But it feels good to talk.
3 comments posted: Saturday, July 22nd, 2023
I worry about my soul. LoL. I know it sounds strange but I really do. The problem is I want to forgive. I want to forgive so bad. But I can’t. I have gone to therapy, I have yelled at the stars, and I don’t know how to forgive. How do you do it? I have forgiven my wife. We will never have the relationship we could have had. I feel worse for her than me. I do not think as a WS you will ever know how much you really do loose. The forgiveness I have trouble getting over is a relationship, my first real Girlfriend, over 20 years ago. She slept with a good friend of mine. I mean I no longer care or know these people. I have not spoken to them in 20 years. I still am knocked to my knees thinking about it. It causes me to drink. It caused me never to have a proper relationship again because my trust in people was/is gone. I have few friends because friends hurt you. I am just so angry that I get to hang onto this hurt for so long and they just got to walk away and leave it like trash blowing in the street. The hell with them! Just wondering if anyone out there has ever figured out how to let it go? The therapy, it helped. I did the eye movement thing. Talked until the therapist ears fell off. It sucks I am at a point where I just feel like I am a child like burden because this pain will not leave. I wish I could box it up and give it to them. After all it is theirs I never wanted it. Why am I left holding it? Why when I try to throw it away it comes back? Why when I try to embrace it, it hurts worse? I just want it gone I am so tired of it. I wish I never knew them, or did not remember them. They were not a lesson. They were nothing. Why am I stuck with them when I doubt they have thought about me even for a second in the last 20 years? I hope there is a day, when I can take this pain, gift wrapped with interest, with all the wasted time, and effort, this pain I have kept so neatly polished and in pristine condition, I hope there is a day I can return it to them for them to hold. Not out of malice but out of keeping something in good condition that was theirs because try as I might I cannot claim it as my own. When I can rest and they can keep it for the rest of time.
12 comments posted: Tuesday, May 30th, 2023
I think the hardest part of all of this is never being "enough" for someone. When ever I had a relationship the other person was always enough for me. I did not have expectations(other than moral ones). I read shit about people not "settling" and knowing "their worth" and it amazes me how hi and mighty people think they are above others. I never once thought of myself better than anyone never mind my partner who I loved enough to promise to spend the rest of my life with. I did not get married to cure loneliness, or get my house cleaned, or to have extra money, or even to raise a family. I got married because I thought the person I was with was pretty cool and I liked them so much I was willing to overlook their flaws to build a life with them. I now know most people do not deserve love of any kind. They treat their pets better than the person they are supposed to cherish. They will throw their spouse away because they are bored but will keep the dog that shits on the floor. I guess because no matter how they treat the dog it always comes back. Most people do not deserve a dog, or even a goldfish, never mind human love.
6 comments posted: Friday, May 12th, 2023