I hate who they made me.
I think the hardest thing about this all is being forced to change. I used to be optimistic. Yes things could be shifty but I had her. I had my family. Then the affair happened. I do not find joy often. Even though That happens I used to look forward to the future. I feel that has been took away from me too. I decided to concentrate hard o my job. It was so busy. Now I am not the new thing anymore, there is competition. People even in that world that I have literally broke my back for have started tossing me a side. I know I should man up it is just business but it still hurts. Especially when that is the only thing I feel good at anymore. A lot of days I dream now of running away and living in a trailer somewhere warmer. Maybe working as a bartender or something. I would die broke, and still alone but at least I would have some control. I am just so sick of a world that just takes from me. The abuser took my sexuality as a kid, the bullies took my confidence as a teenager, the people I loved took away my ability to love. You can say all you want but I think it’s gone. I cannot even love my dog the same way. I really feel most days Iam past my usefulness not that I felt I was ever that useful. I feel like a scared six year old. I am tired of giving an improving and changing. I started smoking. It is wrong but omg it feels great to be doing something wrong. It feels good to be a bad guy lol. Yeah I know real bad but it helps. Sorry I just needed to talk again. I hate being a guy. You are only worth your current accomplishment. Nothing as a person. You really are.
16 comments posted: Sunday, May 29th, 2022
I am horrible at Sex
Yep I admit it. It might be why I have been cheated on in the three main relationships of my life. It is so strange because I am a massage therapist by trade. I hope I do not sound like a big headed jerk but I am booked three months in advance. Five people a day. I do over 1063 massages a year. People pay me 100 dollars an hour to do it. It is not sexual it is therapeutic. In fact it is more like laying flooring than anything, and it is far too tiring to be anything but that,lol. It is great to get rid of peoples pain and help them walk again. It’s just I know how to touch, I am comfortable with any body type but in my private life I can not initiate sex. I feel like a rapist when I ask for it. I am scared to crush the person when I am on top, I feel lazy when I am on the bottom, I am worried if she is having fun to the point I do never orgasim myself. I have been cheated on by past girl friends and my wife. This does not help because it makes me feel even less desirable. I am willing to spend all day and night doing what ever but I never feel like I am good enough. This seems to come out and kills the mood. I was bullied in school so I have always had self esteem issues. Just wondering if anyone eles been through this. Maybe it is one of the things I can somehow fix in myself that can makes things better. I am not the best looking guy in the world but every relationship I have had has lasted years. So I think I am an okay partner I hope. It just seems they get bored and cheat. I know that is not right but is there something I can improve? I hope this is not to forward. It is just part of the whole affair thing, and being a guy that haunts the shit out of me. Now I am embarrassed I eve bought it up lol. Maybe just a rant more than anything? Talking out loud? I just do not know.
27 comments posted: Thursday, May 26th, 2022
It has been a hard week. It was the anniversary of the big blowout with my wife seven years ago. Which is stupid because I am not a date person. But somehow the mind remembers. I got looking on Facebook(I know healthy right) back to an ex-girlfriend who cheated on me in my 20s. She cheated on me with one of my best friends at the time. It still feels like yesterday as well. I just want to forget it. But the more I try the more it haunts me. I saw her pictures on some tropical vacation, still skinny, youthful-looking, not in pain. Then his picture with his wife and baby all smiles. Then I look at myself. In my messy house, with a wife that I will never know if she loves me or stays out of some necessity. It shakes me to the core. What the hell did I do to not deserve to be happy like them? I stay because of love, a belief in loyalty. For my little boy. I do love her, but some part of me wants some kind of goddamn justice. I want them to feel my pain one hundred percent. I just cannot stand all these asshats with smiles on their faces while I hurt for giving a shit about them. I know it is just social media. It is not the whole truth but it stings. Some days it is hard to even breathe. I have to ask myself though even if they felt my pain, would I be satisfied? Would it be enough? Truthfully the answer is no. When you never wanted to stick a knife in someone in the first place, and they stuck a knife in you, how is that satisfying? How does it heal your wound? It never does, and it never will. I talk with my ic and it is helping. I guess I have reached the point of trying to let go. Coming to the realization that I will never feel loved the way I love others, and that is ok. I will not leave because my love is real. I am no longer scared of the other things. Like being alone, or broke, or letting my child down. I am just here because of love, and that is freeing. I just got to keep moving somehow. Let go of the ego and just ride life. "They" will never know what they lost. At some point, you have to disengage. I can never stop caring. I have tried. I am not built that way. There has to be something in between where I can still hold on to the good, and let the bad go. That is now where I stand, with no idea how to do that. This strange tight rope walk that somedays is worth every step, and others, kills a new small part of my soul. Sorry I just needed to talk.
10 comments posted: Monday, April 25th, 2022
Pain is a strange thing.
Things have slowly been getting better lately. Talking to my I.C. I have been really unlocking some amazing patterns. One strange thing is how I use pain. Before I go to sleep I think about how worthless I am. I think hard about affairs, about being cheated on. I concentrate until I am so disappointed, distraught, destroyed all there is left to do is pass out. I was actually using pain to sooth myself in a strange way. It is addicting because then you do not have to move on. And if you do not move on you do not have to be hurt again. It is a strange cycle to try and break.
12 comments posted: Thursday, March 31st, 2022
How do I let go of the hate?
The biggest problem I have is letting go of Anger. I have been working on it with my phycologist and she says self-love, feeling your emotions. How does one self-love? I do not even know how to do that. I manage to work hard on my workdays but on my days off I spend in bed, 16 hours sometimes. I do not have the energy to do even simple things because my brain is like "What is the point. You will just screw it up anyway. No one loves you they just use you and cheat." I know that is not the way to think but it is where my mind goes. I just feel so damn worthless. I do not feel like a Man or a leader. I feel like a waste. I know that's my fault but I am so angry that the actions of others have just helped with these damn thoughts. I spend my waking hours reading stories of women cheating on guys and laughing at them until I am so defeated I am sick. I talk to my phycologist and it has got better but I can't stop. It is comparable I guess to cutting yourself. The pain gives some kind of relief. I do not mean to freak anyone out it is my own problem and I am working on it but is there anyone else that has gone through this? I try to exercise, I can not. I try to eat better I cannot. I try and do my damn paperwork for work I can not. I am just so stuck. Thanks for your time.
15 comments posted: Friday, March 18th, 2022
No You are a Bad Person and A Bad Parent rant
One of the Cop outs I hear counselors give WS is the speech about how they are not a "Bad person" they just made a "Bad choice." That is what makes a bad person, you make Bad choices. Here you are with a loving family and children. You know damn well that your affair will cause them pain if discovered, but you are so damn selfish you do it anyway. You see the knife, you know it will cause damage, and you stick it because you want to cause pain deep down. That is being a bad person. You are a piece of shit for doing it. It will not go away. You cannot say sorry for stabbing someone on purpose. Somewhere in your crappy little mind, you think it is okay to hurt people, even your children, to get what you want. That is a simple truth. Then we that are left behind get to sit here and bleed out well you find yourself. You get this shit where my "marriage is so much better!" and "I finally know who I am" Yeah at what cost. No one gives a damn about who you are, the rest of us figured that out without hurting the people we are supposed to protect most in life. You are a bad person, and you do not get to drop that. You get to keep it until the day you die so maybe, just maybe you will not do it again.
3 comments posted: Saturday, March 12th, 2022
It helps to hear from waywords
One thing I have done on this site is read what waywords have had to say. It is like a strange obsession, maybe not healthy. Not sure if other bs do the same. I was sexually assaulted when I was young. You do not get to talk about that as a guy. Sorry no matter what your beautiful thoughts are on equality you do not. After that I always left my body when being intimate. I hate initiating sex cause I feel like a rapist. Every relationship I had I always concentrated on pleasing the other person. Of the three major relationships I had in my life, I was cheated on 3 times. The last an emotional affair as my wife talked about my future behind my back. Something broke. I hated all women. They are nothing but entitled monsters that blame me as a male for human natures past. They do not care if we are in pain it is "Nothing" compared to what a women goes through. The traditions I was showed and taught are all sexist, even though from my heart it came from a place of deep love. I remember the day I sat on top of a high building, done with trying to ignore the sneaking around behind my back. Done with trying to be a good guy. I let go of the rail. I took a deep breath, I hated you all I was done. A gentle voice came from below. It was a police officer. We talked, he made sure I drove home safe to my parents, so someone could watch me. I had it out with my wife. I said some of the darkest shit you could imagine. I will always be sad I did. But it was like I had to barf. I am still in therapy today. That was seven years ago. My anger is gone. There is deep sadness but so much better than the anger. I no longer hate women but my trust is shaky. Hearing from Waywords has helped because it shows they are human somewhere underneath. Not these beasts bent on destruction. It just has helped. I thank you for that.
9 comments posted: Friday, February 11th, 2022
It does not always better ❤️🩹 but that’s ok.
The difficult cult thing about mental health problems is other people break you. You do not ask for it, they just do. You then are asked to replace the shattered pieces on your own. People can support you cheer you on but you have to repair the damage others did by your self. Once you do this people are so happy. "You’re doing so great!" All that jazz. The fact is you were doing great before all the shit and you had to waste a good portion of your life repairing shit, that was not your problem. It does not really feel like a victory, in fact it actually pisses you off. Quite often the individuals that caused the damage have long since forgave themselves. "Can’t beat yourself up forever haha!" When you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel you are left with a strange mature emptiness, an appreciation for the cruel nature of the world. You will never be the same again, you will never trust the same again, and your innocence is not something that is given, but something you control. This new outlook is not a blessing, but it is an earth shaking freedom. Your kindness is no longer a weekness, when you let it go, it is justified and deadly. Others that are going through it I cannot promise things will be better, but they will be different, and that alone is enough.
4 comments posted: Monday, February 7th, 2022
I guess the is just a rant. Why does the cheater just get to move on? Why do they get to be forgiven when I get to hurt the rest of my life? I have had a few relationships where I have been cheated on and they are always so quick to forgive themselves. "Can’t beat myself up forever haha!" God I am at the point now for years I have not been able to trust myself because of these people. I cannot get out of bed or enjoy my life. It is always "Well gee hehe you just have to fix yourself." You know what you broke it! You fix it! I was happy. Fine. Loved life until other people broke me. I’m just supposed to get up? I am too tired to get up anymore. How about you jerks that do this to people lie down. Just because you are okay now with what you did does not make it right! I want my tears back. Give them back you disgusting thieves. I have lost so many years.
13 comments posted: Wednesday, February 2nd, 2022
Does it ever get easier? What do I do wrong?
BH here. Found out about several EA's about six years ago. They were all emails, texts, online chats in games. We were going through a period. It was our first child, she had post partum, I hated my job but was sticking it out. Her mom had just died. I tried to be there but felt ignored. What really hurt was my future was being discussed with out my knowledge, as well as my short comings. I could tell what she was doing. Told her to stop. She kept lying, I ended up mentally ill. I am not the perfect guy. I am not the best at house work. I have a hard time concentrating. I suffer from depression. Being bullied when younger I was never a stud or even good at sex. Still have no idea how to be hot. Gained some weight so that has not helped. Never had a lot of confidence. I did however love my wife above anything. I thought I finally found that one special person who could love me for me. I sure loved her for her.
I know it has been a long time but I am not over it. I stayed. I tried. I want it to work. Things got better. I think I can trust now. But when I look at my son, there is a resentment. I am now forever attached to this person through him. It is sick I know. He is my world, yet because of her, there is a little pain in my heart when I look at this perfect little man. I have been cheated on in past relationships, and I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "Do I deserve to be loved? Or am I just a second rate person?" I know I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes, but I do not think I deserve to be hurt like this. What do I do wrong? Why do people think it is okay to hurt me? What do I do wrong to be hated so much? Is there some reason you can hate someone so much that you cheat on them? I never wanted to be hated like that. I guess after this time I should just be over it. But my soul hurts. I am seeing a phycologist. Does it ever get better?
12 comments posted: Sunday, January 16th, 2022