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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 8:29 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Regarding the mail. I took mail to his attorney's office. He moved several hours away and had to pay his lawyer every time they had to ship him the mail that came to my house.

Regarding sleep. When you figure this out, please let me know.

Regarding holidays. do what you want and nothing more. Make new traditions. Nothing says you have to be home on Christmas day, take a trip.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 728   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8755874
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 9:41 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Bigger

If you think trying to recreate last years traditions will be a trigger then this can be the start of a new alternative Thanksgiving.

Ah, therein lies the quandry. Thanksgiving is son one's favorite meal of the year, and he loves to take (steal) as many leftovers home as possible. Younger son hates the meal. Not a fan at all. I'm really not triggered, just a bit overwhelemed at the thought of doing it alone, but heck I'll try to keep it simple, and my mother certainly did it all alone when we were kids! I would miss leftovers too, particularly good old turkey noodle soup.

hcsv

Regarding the mail. I took mail to his attorney's office. He moved several hours away and had to pay his lawyer every time they had to ship him the mail that came to my house.

Regarding sleep. When you figure this out, please let me know.

She doesn't have an attorney that I'm aware of. I think I'll stick to my plan of putting it all in an envelope, send it over and put a note in about changing address.

When I find the elusive sleep I'll let you know. smile Still no changes. I totally ran out of gas playing golf yesterday with my sons. I was like a zombie last five holes. Did some yard work today, so maybe that effort will help tire me out, but I'm usually that way all the time. I have another busy travel week for work, have to fly to Indianapolis tomorrow for fours days. I was away last week as well for the first time in a few weeks, and thought the change of scenery might help. Nope.

Just tired of being tired...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 9:43 PM, Sunday, September 18th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8755880
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 11:41 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Sending you a hug Troutman.

I completely empathise with how you are feeling. I am dreading my birthday (Dec) and Christmas already. Such happy memories from the year before my world fell apart.

Christmas was always our thing. We got decorations together, he was Czech so all from the Christmas markets in Prague.

This year I’ve decided I’m not getting those decorations down! I’m going to get decorations from a different shop and not put myself through it!

I’m going to keep the holidays simple. Have friends over. Keep busy (way of life for me now).

Just know that you are not alone. I am sending you strength. I am so sorry you are going through this too. Thank

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8755891
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 11:59 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I was on anxiety meds for awhile due to the panic attacks I started having. The meds make you sleepy, so I took them before bed to help me sleep.

I found some meditation videos on YouTube by Lina Grace that have been helpful. Have the same one queued up twice, and that helps. Sometimes, I will take a couple Benadryl first.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1336   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8755892
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Momof2greatadults ( new member #80522) posted at 12:10 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Safe travels this week Troutman! I am glad that you were able to spend some time with your sons this weekend. I am so sorry that you are still having such a difficult time sleeping.
I just left half of my heart (my daughter) at the airport so she can fly back home to her cat and job. She said Thanksgiving will be here before we know it. My Mother-in-law always cooks and I hope things will still be good with her and I by then or it will be just me and the kids making our own new traditions. I am definitely not looking forward to Christmas!

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8755895
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:13 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I can share my Zen-meditation routine that I use to get to sleep. Might help you seeing as your user-name indicates it might…
I close my eyes and picture myself waist-deep (in waders) in a beautiful lake casting my fly-rod. I cast, reel in, cast again, reel in, cast again… So far seldom make it past four casts before I’m off to sleep.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8755897
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shareonhearts ( member #52869) posted at 12:55 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

(troutman)

I too dreaded the holidays after my divorce. So many years, memories, traditions, ornaments purchased on vacations and travels. We did not have children so I was able to forge my own new path. I changed up the menu as well as the guestlist. Ive happily cel
lebrated Friendsgiving, with my family and friends.
Christmas now I make my own favorites with my cherished ones.....I'm advocating for Biggers idead.....Crab legs indeed. I've also attempted Prime Rib...I need some work laugh Now, I'm much further along in this mess but I will tell you I have my JOY back. Sending healing thoughts
.

Fool me once shame on me......Fool me twice shame on YOU!

posts: 190   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2016   ·   location: California
id 8755908
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 12:50 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

I am not necessarily dreading the holidays really. rolleyes There's just going to be a lot of memories come up that will be really tough. Example: there are so many Christmas tree ornaments in our collection that have history, stories behind them, are from places we visited etc... Still a ways off but debating how to deal with that. It was such a family event decorating the tree, and all the other things around the house too. I hate the thought of having to potentially sit down and go through all those items and possibly split them up with WW...

As far as the sleep, I so appreciate all of the suggestions, and believe me I've tried many of them. The issue is I fall asleep OK, usually within ten minutes but have problems later. As a 57 year old nature calls once a night, and when that inevitably happens I can't get back to sleep. It may be 2 AM, 3 AM etc... I have the clock covered now because I hate knowing what time it is. It's that part of the night when I try to get back that I nod off now and then and get the intrusive dreams and end up wide awake. I'm going to work with my therapist on that this week and hopefully the sleep specialist can help more on the 30th.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8756120
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 1:31 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Example: there are so many Christmas tree ornaments in our collection that have history, stories behind them, are from places we visited etc... Still a ways off but debating how to deal with that.

Buy a whole new set to celebrate your new future. eg. I bought and used red/black ornaments for several years post divorce because that's my alma mater colors and it would have annoyed her. Lately,after being re-married for a while, we've taken to just hanging xmas cards on the tree.

posts: 1314   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8756125
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 3:52 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

I think I'll stick to my plan of putting it all in an envelope, send it over and put a note in about changing address.


Depending on how you feel about it, an alternative is to gather up all the mail, bring it back to the post office, and let them know that the addressee does not reside at the address.... yes, I know, petty, but would be quite satisfying.... grin

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1016   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8756143
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 2:45 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I really dont have much to add that hadnt been advised already here except to say Im sorry you are here facing this cesspool of her making. To take a 30 year marriage, crumple it up like so much trash is unconscionably aggregious, yet here you are. The fact that you were on the verge of some of the greatest times in your life, i.e. kids successfully raised and on their own, possibly looking at their marriages and grandkids down the line, retirement, new adventures, etc., makes her betrayal that much more sharp beyond the 30+ years of relationship history.

I am close to your age and I hope that youll be able to find some way to tie this off mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that it doesnt poison you any further. She brought gangrene into your marriage and it now has to be amputated, with tourniquet applied and wound cauterized. Its an ugly mental image but it fits what youve described. When I say amputated, I mean divorce with extreme prejudice and no contact. All communication goes through attorneys. No more allowing her poison into your life. None.

I have a friend that was recently in your position. Long term decent marriage (he thought). Kids out of the house. Looking at some great years together, and she bails to be with some POS she met through one of her hobbies. Hes in shock and grief, as are the kids. She starts blathering about all of her supposed "grievances" to justify her betrayal.

Something happened in my otherwise loyal, wife and family loving, generally soft spoken, hard working friend. He hardened. Its like he took 1000mgs of fukitol. Id NEVER seen him like this before. He cut her off from any direct contact to him. He filed, shipped her stuff to the doorstep of her and her loser, allowed her to take other things from the family home under the supervision of a trusted third party, ended up selling the family home in the divorce and relocating to a very nice condo. I wouldnt call the divorce amicable. He just was not a push over and I really believe she thought he would be. It was so weird, the more he cut her off, the more desperate she became to communicate with him, probably to spew her justifications.

After the divorce, he stayed NC, spent a lot of time with his kids and their SOs (they wanted nothing to do with their Mom....saw her as a traitor to their family), got therapy, and started dating. Hes now in a relationship with a very nice woman whos actually much prettier, 11 years younger than his ex, is very successful, and dotes on him. Its amazing to see.

I asked him one time how he found the resolve to behave as he had and he told me it was pure self preservation. He said that he may have seemed like he was tough and moving through it with strength but inside he was drowning and all she was doing was "throwing rocks to a drowning man", and he knew he wouldnt survive it otherwise.

The last thing I heard about concerning his ex from a mutual friend is that she is truly shell shocked. The bloom is off the rose of her relationship with the loser, her family wants nothing to do with her, her kids are very low contact with her, and her ex has moved on with an alacrity that no one had ever seen before (we are all cheering him on). Hes not recovered, but he has made great strides.

Strength, resolve and clarity to you sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:02 AM, Friday, September 23rd]

"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8756511
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 5:00 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

@DobleTraicion

Thanks. Some nice insight there.

The fact that you were on the verge of some of the greatest times in your life, i.e. kids successfully raised and on their own, possibly looking at their marriages and grandkids down the line, retirement, new adventures, etc., makes her betrayal that much more sharp beyond the 30+ years of relationship history.

I think about this part a lot lately. This was supposed to be OUR time. Kids grown and successfully launched. We would have more time together, we were in the best financial spot in our lives, have a great home and neighborhood, and so many plans (all future faked by her) about what we were going to do. I was so looking forward to our golden years together.I've worked so hard all my life and have literally spent thousands of nights in hotels over the years in my work travels, and driving and flying countless thousands of miles all trying to do the right thing for my family. The bitter irony is my work travles gave her a huge window to cheat in.

I've really thought lately about how selfish it is for someone to go find their new "happiness" at the expense of another human being. Not just any human being, but the one who should have been the person closest to you in life. That betrayal cuts so deeply. I think I've done fairly well of late detatching from the her emotionally, and I don't miss her per say. I am so upset though by the family dynamic she has destroyed. From our children, to her parents to her siblings and mine, and the long-term ramifications of all of that.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 6:45 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8756775
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 6:36 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Troutman, your last post really resonated with me. Ex and I were together 40 years, married 35. He worked 6-7 days a week, leaving the house before the kids woke up and returned after they were asleep for most of their young lives. I really felt like a single mom. I was just waiting for him to retire/semi retire once the kids were launched so we could reconnect and celebrate our lives together. It makes me so angry that I waited for him and he chose to walk away, not even making the effort to fix what he thought was broken. His family and marriage just werent worth it.

I'm sorry you are feeling something similar.

[This message edited by hcsv at 8:17 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 728   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8756790
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:04 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I've really thought lately about how selfish it is for someone to go find their new "happiness" at the expense of another human being.

Not just you. Your children and any future grandkids. Any close friends. They are all dealing with the aftermath of her decision in their own ways. Maybe not as much as you but they all are affected. Selfish is always the word that best describes them.

posts: 1314   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8756795
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 8:00 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Well... I just got an e-mail from WW. Guess she got served today. here it is verbatim:

Troutman,

I just got papers from an attorney on your behalf. I am a little confused. Is this the process we discussed? How am I supposed to proceed?

The paperwork says I am being sued. Is this all a formality or do I need to get an attorney?

WW

Seriously???? Are you an adult? This is a 54 year old woman we are talking about, who has a professional job. Figure it out, or maybe ask your fellow adulterer, he's divorced...Not my problem.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 12:51 PM, Saturday, September 24th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8756806
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:27 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Ugh.. I can't even imagine what goes through someone's head when they've abandoned their spouse and then think it's okay to have expectations about them managing the divorce.

I think it's up to you though how (or whether) you respond. I probably wouldn't bother unless it suited my purposes regarding the divorce.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5967   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8756812
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 8:37 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Just wow! Clueless! But not your job to be her guidance counselor through the D process. If it were me I would not respond. But you decide if a short answer will keep the D moving in the direction you want. She was able to process leading a long term double life with lies and deceit, she can certainly figure out that being sued for divorce is simply a divorce petition.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3273   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8756814
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 8:52 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I just got papers from an attorney on your behalf. I am a little confused. Is this the process we discussed? How am I supposed to proceed?

The paperwork says I am being sued. Is this all a formality or do I need to get an attorney?

WW

Troutman,

I agree that it is breathtaking for your wife to be asking these kinds of questions after everything she has done.

My advice to you is that you absolutely must not respond to any questions from your wife about legal proceedings, because anything you say or do not say may end up being used against you in court as an attempt to mislead, misinform, or manipulate your WW for your own benefit. Please be under no illusions about that. If, for example, you advise your WW not to get an attorney, imagine how that could be used to paint you in a bad light.

The same things is true about 'processes we discussed'. Legal action has begun on your behalf; nothing relating to it should be said to your WW without approval from your attorney. And preferably, you should let your attorney reply on your behalf, and maybe have him suggest that your WW address any questions about the legal action directly to him, and not you. You need to stay away from accidentally or inadvertently saying or doing anything that could damage your case, or be used against you.

posts: 1241   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8756820
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:23 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Hi, Troutman, agree with others...do not respond.

Her attorney can handle it from here.

posts: 11617   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8756825
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 11:50 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Troutman,

I just got papers from an attorney on your behalf. I am a little confused. Is this the process we discussed? How am I supposed to proceed?

The paperwork says I am being sued. Is this all a formality or do I need to get an attorney?

WW


O. M. G. The cheater's mind. Stunning.

My advice? Go radio silent or respond, "Youll have to figure it out yourself, Im no longer your life guide."

"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8756836
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