Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!
Help me get through this phase. Update on my (Read 180/not reconciling and WH wished me Happy Birthday) posts.
First, let me say I'm glad that it is the weekend and I do have something fun to look forward to today but, it has been a difficult week. Monday was my birthday and WH did wish me HB (I know he thinks he was being sincere, not sarcastic). He knows he is completely in the wrong for hiding his 3 year affair and (off and on he says but he is a Liar so who knows) and OW pregnancy and now OC birth until he couldn't any longer.
Anyway, I am having a rough time at work for several reasons. It is hard being a teacher's assistant when your not at 150%. Anything less when working with young children is extra exhausting and stressful because education is really suffering after Covid. Teaching is not like it used to be.
I am glad I filed for divorce within 4 weeks of his big reveal to me. I am so done with this life with him! We were living together but not very emotionally connected and hadn't been physical in over three years (I now know it was because he didn't want to cheat on his girlfriend with his wife).I received a copy of his lawyer's response to my divorce papers he was served four weeks ago. He admitted to most counts except for the one that's says he treated me (the Plaintiff) "in a cruel manner that caused severe emotional stress that could affect my physical and mental well being if we continued in this marriage". This helps establish for an Absolute divorce in MD so you do not have to be separated for a year. His lawyer also said that "the plaintiff could make substantially more money if she chose to do so". I am sure this is his way of trying to prevent me from getting alimony and half of his pension. I am sorry if saying this makes anyone think that I am greedy but I am putting myself first for the 1st time ever! I started working in the school system when our youngest went to school all day for two reasons. First, so I could be there for our kids on the same schedule because WH only gets 1 day off during the week with 10-14 hour days. Believe me I tried to convince him to find another job so he could spend a little more time with us but he wouldn't even explore that! I now think he preferred that to being a husband and father. I stayed in this low paying job so at least we'd have that 1 day a week to spend it as a family. Now he is throwing that in my face. I just turned 54. I do have an Associates degree but I am not sure if I can get a job making "substantially more money" at this point. I can't even think about doing any of that right now because of all the other things that his unexpected announcement has dealt me. I am so worried about the debt we have. I will never know how much he spent on gambling and the OW. Now he has got a baby. I had to file first so she doesn't get his money. 32 years of marriage (37 together) and I don't deserve what he is putting me through right now. I am a planner by nature and it is killing me that I can't plan for what is going to happen next. I am in IC and leaning on friends and family but I am trying not to worry my kids too much because I know they are suffering too. Any one have any advice or reassurance for me? I am crying while writing this because I hold things in and try to be strong but I think I am barely holding it together. Thanks in advance.
37 comments posted: Sunday, September 25th, 2022
It's my birthday and my WH texted me "Happy Birthday. I hope you had a good weekend!"
Okay, what if anything do I respond to this ? I know he feels super guilty because he was really was cruel in the reveal of his 3-year EA and PA and then birth of OC. My problem is he is rightfully feeling so guilty and is always being very nice because he knows he did something very wrong. I got a lawyer right away and filed for divorce within 3 weeks. It's been 3 weeks since he was served papers and I just need to wait another week for his response and financials and I'm sure everything is going to change. But, for right now his behavior is confusing me more because no matter how angry I get sometimes he doesn't say anything back or get defensive. Most the time I've been way too nice when I seen him (which has been OFTEN) . Thank goodness it's been 10 days since I've seen him and I made him take all of his stuff out of the house finally! I did go a week without any communication. We've been together for 37 years and married for 32 when he dropped the bomb on me that not only had he been cheating on me that his OW gave birth to their child that morning. I know I should be super angry and I try to keep reminding myself he's not your friend and if he cared anything about you he wouldn't have treated you like that. He had so many times to come clean and I even asked him a few times but, for several reasons I did not think that he would have chosen this woman that knows us very well and has told us she was not into men. He's a liar and I really shouldn't believe anything he says. Anyway how do I stay strong until we move into the next phase of the divorce process? I did read the 180 but to me it seemed mostly about reconciliation. Someone said there is a modified version somewhere. What's the quickest way for me to find that so I can print it out and read it every day?
11 comments posted: Wednesday, September 21st, 2022
Read 180 but not looking to reconcile
Hello, I think I'm going to call Maury Povich and ask him to get out retirement for a special episode. 5 weeks ago my husband totally Dropped a Bomb on Me . He said everything I suspected about a young woman we know was true and they had been having an affair off and on for two and a half years( I believe it to be more than three and it started off as an emotional affair) and hold on to something, he said "she gave birth to my child this morning#! That's how he broke the news gently. I absolutely did not see this coming as he's made more effort this year than he ever has. He began coming to counseling with me and joined Gambler's Announmous. He continued to date me( show me any physical affection other than a hug). I have been married to my husband for 32 years and with him since I was 16 years old (for a total of 37 years together). He always worked a lot and I was okay with finding things to do by myself before we had kids. We had a daughter 8 years after our marriage and then a son two years later. I work part-time in the evening so that the children weren't in daycare. We never really made time for ourselves and that I guess was the beginning of our decline. My husband never really asked to do things with me or ask our mothers to babysit because he works 6 days a week and what little time he had was for the children. Anyway the last 10 years haven't been great and I begged him to go to counseling and he never would. About 7 years ago our sex life went to non-existent except for one time at a wedding 3 years ago. It's a really long story but I suspected he was becoming too attached to someone he worked with. I saw with my own eyes it was more like a father figure as she was deeply troubled and told us she was physically abused by her father (Daddy issues) . I got involved and tried to help her because it was inappropriate that he was her boss. He even asked her to be transferred to another location so I thought their relationship was mostly over but he took it Underground. For many reasons I didn't suspect them having a physical affair. Although in December I caught him in a big lie involving her and I asked him if he was sleeping with her and he said no. Unfortunately I wasn't face to face with him because I was out of state with our daughter. I told him I was done and I wanted a divorce if he did not agree to go to counseling finally. I also knew he had some gambling issues but I didn't know how bad they were and how much money he was spending until earlier this year when I caught him in another lie involving this young woman. Once again I asked if he was sleeping with her and he said no. Most of this year we were not sleeping in the same bad for many reasons.
He moved out 5 weeks ago and I have filed for divorce. I still can't believe that this has happened to me and after I've given him about 60% of my life I go through all the stages of anger, disbelief, loneliness and fear. I am finding help in everyone else's story but if anyone has any other wisdom for me I would love to get some advice to keep me motivated to keep fighting the fight. How do I deal with him when I still have to see him? He hasn't helped me clean out the house and he left me with so many problems when he had 9 months or even 3 years to give me a heads up. Many many times I asked him if you don't want to be with me please let me know. I asked him nicely without yelling and he never said anything. This is so hard!
17 comments posted: Monday, September 5th, 2022