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Newest Member: Goku06

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:22 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

I literally slept 45 minutes a night for 3 months. It was the shock of it all.

It eventually snd slowly improved. No drugs or sleep aids. Just finally stopped having the anxiety stop the sleep.

During the day I would get a 20 minute nap in. That was my only relief. But it was only about 90 days and then I鈥檇 sleep 5 hours a night which honestly felt like a vacation.

Meanwhile the cheater is sleeping soundly beside me. 馃槨馃槨

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8752659
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:18 AM on Monday, August 29th, 2022


The1stWife

I literally slept 45 minutes a night for 3 months.

My god, how did you manage that?? I know how badly I'm struggling with 4-5 hours a night.

I mentioned up thread about my uncle dying a few weeks ago. I spent the day with my aunt, mostly to see how she was holding up (she's 86, but really healthy and sharp as a tack). I also broke the news to her about WW and the affair. She was devestated and it was nice to both share our grief together a bit. She was a big part of my life growing up, as I lost my mother to cancer when I was 16 and she was quite helpful to the family.

The silver lining in the whole affair nightmare is realizing how many amazing people I truly have in my life. I am truly grateful for all of them, and it does help restore my faith in humanity a bit in light of how brutally I was betrayed by the one I thought was closest to me.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8752751
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:45 AM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

The silver lining in the whole affair nightmare is realizing how many amazing people I truly have in my life. I am truly grateful for all of them, and it does help restore my faith in humanity a bit...

That's a lovely sentiment and what a kind thing it was to spend time with your aging aunt. THAT's what's going to turn this around for you, you know.. keeping your humanity in the face of inhumane treatment.

Thanks for sharing that. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5927   路   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   路   location: U.S.
id 8752766
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 6:09 AM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

You're going to be well again. Keep up the good work. All the good things you're doing are contributing to your health. Gratitude is healing. Yes it is.

Seeing darkness we appreciate the light even more. Nothing good ever goes to waste. Good words, good actions grow out like ripples on the water Making the world a better place. Humans thrive on goodness and cooperation.

Sometimes that seems lost in today's world but it's always been true.

If you wake up and don't turn on a bright light, sometimes you can get back to sleep again after a glass of water and light stretching in dim light. Sometimes I went outside and looked at stars and listened to night birds. I looked for constellations. The cool air helped too. Sometimes I fell asleep outside in the chair or hammock. Sometimes on the couch.

I would rub my feet with olive oil and that was relaxing or soak them in warm water. There are essential oil blends to promote sleep you can put in a diffuser or put on a cotton pad and breathe in the scent. The men I know
seem to like vanilla as a relaxing scent and also the wood scents like sandalwood, cedar or pine. Making the room smell nice works on the mind.

It's a balance finding what you find pleasing and relaxing. For certain if there is anything that bothers you in any way or brings up sad thoughts, remove it from your space and bring in images or objects that are comforting.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2388   路   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8752790
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:35 AM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

My sleeplessness did not come from anything other than a very active brain. I have ADHD and I think that鈥檚 what interferes with my brain slowing down at night. My doctor prescribed trazodone but that did not work by itself so I started with one Benadryl and occasionally would have to take two. The secret is to go to bed early. Take those pills with your supper or even on an empty stomach about an hour or so after supper that means putting them in your body by about 7 o鈥檆lock. Then go get in the bed. don鈥檛 watch TV, don鈥檛 read don鈥檛 read a book that鈥檚 gonna get you wound up, in fact as crazy as it sounds, if you鈥檝e got Pandora one of the other services put your earphones on,not earbuds, earphones, and it will put you to sleep within five minutes, then the Benadryl kicks and then the trazodone kicks in. After a while the trazodone has done some thing to your brain so that you know longer need the Benadryl. What you鈥檙e trying to do is train your body to go to sleep at a certain time every night and you鈥檙e gonna have to make it do that because you can鈥檛 just hope it does that. A good nights sleep is imperative when you鈥檙e under this kind of stress

When things go wrong, don鈥檛 go with them. Elvis

posts: 3491   路   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   路   location: US
id 8752892
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HopefulJourney ( member #51566) posted at 6:23 AM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

Trout,

My husband spent years working in the Bering Sea with no sleep schedule. When he took a job on land, his patterns were so messed up and he was typically up at 3:00 AM. In addition to all the remedies you noted, the sleep specialist made me keep him awake until 12:00 or 1:00AM since he was only getting about 5 hours per night. So he woke up on time and got his best hours when he needed them most. Once he was consistently getting 5 straight hours, he backed off 1/2 hour for the next two weeks and just kept backing up his go to bed time. It took a while but it worked and now he gets 7-8 hours per night, no issues.

Good luck and remember that tough times don鈥檛 last, tough people do.

[This message edited by HopefulJourney at 6:24 AM, Tuesday, August 30th]

Me : BS (57) FWH (57)
Married 26 years
DS: 24, DS 22
Reconciled, doing well. WH still in therapy.
"And Still I Rise"~Maya Angelou

posts: 144   路   registered: Jan. 29th, 2016   路   location: Nevada
id 8752922
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:42 AM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

The silver lining in the whole affair nightmare is realizing how many amazing people I truly have in my life.

Sometimes it takes us a moment to realize how blessed we really are. It鈥檚 great you can see that.

In answer to your question, I couldn鈥檛 sleep or eat for 90 days. I don鈥檛 know how I survived it. I lost weight I could not afford to lose.

But 9 years later I can tell you I have had an attitude adjustment and life is good. We are very happy together. We are one of the lucky ones.

Hang in there. It takes time to heal. But it鈥檚 good to know you have good people in your life.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8752923
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redrock ( member #21538) posted at 1:41 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

Sorry all.. posted on wrong thread. I do apologize

[This message edited by redrock at 12:30 AM, Wednesday, August 31st]

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3499   路   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   路   location: Michigan
id 8752931
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 2:34 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

My sleeplessness did not come from anything other than a very active brain. I have ADHD and I think that鈥檚 what interferes with my brain slowing down at night. My doctor prescribed trazodone but that did not work by itself so I started with one Benadryl and occasionally would have to take two. The secret is to go to bed early. Take those pills with your supper or even on an empty stomach about an hour or so after supper that means putting them in your body by about 7 o鈥檆lock. Then go get in the bed. don鈥檛 watch TV, don鈥檛 read don鈥檛 read a book that鈥檚 gonna get you wound up, in fact as crazy as it sounds, if you鈥檝e got Pandora one of the other services put your earphones on,not earbuds, earphones, and it will put you to sleep within five minutes, then the Benadryl kicks and then the trazodone kicks in. After a while the trazodone has done some thing to your brain so that you know longer need the Benadryl. What you鈥檙e trying to do is train your body to go to sleep at a certain time every night and you鈥檙e gonna have to make it do that because you can鈥檛 just hope it does that. A good nights sleep is imperative when you鈥檙e under this kind of stress

Cooley2Here

Would it be a t/j to discuss this here? I'd like to hear more about this - I have ADHD that's been "off the rails" since my D-Day plus I have sleep apnea, hypersomnia and possible narcolepsy (very mild if I have it).

In particular, what I'm wondering is, do you mean to go to bed at 7 PM every night for the rest of my life? I don't think I can do that.

And what do you listen to that doesn't let your mind start wandering all over the place? I play a mindless matching game to fall asleep which isn't good because it's a screen but everything else I try gets my mind going.

After D-Day, my doctor told me to come back in 3 weeks and she'd prescribe something but she wouldn't do it that day - said anything less than a horse tranquilizer wasn't going to help me.

Perhaps I should start a new thread?

[This message edited by josiep at 2:36 PM, Tuesday, August 30th]

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   路   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8752940
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

It's been a rough week actually. My doctor switched my sleep medication (since I still get 4-5 hours a night) to Ambien on Monday. Not only has it not really helped, but it has really screwed me up depression wise and makes me feel like crap physically. I have mentally felt like crap the last two days, and would frankly just go back to my other medication which at least targets my depression. My one sister and one of my dearest old friends have been rocks for me this week. I've really leaned hard on them. Hopefully it's just a phase because I was doing pretty well last week. getting some kind of better energy level would certainly help A LOT. I've got a lot to talk to my therapist about Friday.

Troutman

There are different kinds of sleep aids. I'm not an expert or educated in any medical field but it's my understanding that Ambien helps a person fall asleep and then wears off. Ambien has been known to cause some crazy things. One friend of mine woke up and found he'd smeared peanut butter on all of his bedroom windows. He has no recollection of it. Another friend was given it in the hospital and was told the following morning that he was found exiting the hospital with his gown wide open in the back (this was a very modest, distinguished man) and pushing the wheeled gizmo that takes his vitals and carrying his IV bag that he'd taken off the hook on the wall behind him. No recollection whatsoever. That's not to say people shouldn't take it because it works for most but it would be prudent to have someone stay overnight with you when you first take it, just in case you behave strangely. Or, should I say stranger than usual? laugh

From what my doctor explained, Lunesta is designed to help you stay asleep. And, of course, there are a myriad other approaches and medications and you may have to try several before you find the right one. The caveat to the whole thing is making sure your doctor understands the medications and how they work, etc. rather than just prescribing what the latest salesman brought to their attention.

I was going to write another post on this part but I'll just tuck it in here: from what I've read, your WW might be an alcoholic. I encourage you to read as much as you can about that and the symptoms and what it does to their families, etc. Perhaps even attend a meeting. If that's the case, it would explain everything and AlAnon has the keys to help your healing (in addition to the wonderful treasure trove of S.I.).

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   路   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8752943
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 4:11 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Not much new here to report, still working on the sleep and trying to get the stress levels down.My family continues to be amazing with the support. My sisters are always there for me when I just need to talk.

Out of the blue WW sent me a text the other day (first contact in a few weeks) with a link to an article about someone we both know who got in trouble recently with the law. "Thought you might find this interesting" Seriously??? This shows the fatal flaw in these affair relationships for older (mid 50's) adults. Lack of shared histroy. AP has no idea about this person or for that matter most of WW life really, so she couldn't share it with him. I had a snarky reply lined up "yeah, the world is full of shitty people" but I wisely remained NC.

My attorney says she will likely be served next week with the divorce papers. It can be done Certified Mail but she said she's had problems with the cards coming back etc... I'm actually kind of glad the process server will knock on AP's door to hand off the papers. I could have told my attorney to serve her at work, but that might really piss WW off and I need to keep things calm since we currently have a Settlement Agreement (in principal) that is very favorable to me. WW really gets her back up when things upset her.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 4:13 PM, Saturday, September 3rd]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8753711
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:36 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Out of the blue WW sent me a text the other day (first contact in a few weeks) with a link to an article about someone we both know who got in trouble recently with the law. "Thought you might find this interesting" Seriously??? This shows the fatal flaw in these affair relationships for older (mid 50's) adults. Lack of shared histroy. AP has no idea about this person or for that matter most of WW life really, so she couldn't share it with him.

And, I'm assuming the main reason that she sent this is to keep chipping away at the 'we won't be good friends in the future' mindset that you(and others) rightly possess. It is probably the driving force, because she can't be this bad person that everyone else sees. She knows that she is a good person, and if you would get on board, EV.ER.Y.THING will be okay.....in her eyes.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4078   路   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   路   location: northeast
id 8754184
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 4:20 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

I disrespected and discarded my faithful loving partner but anyway, I still like him enough to text gossip.......she's going to keep trying to contact you. If it keeps hurting you, ask her to quit. Tell her these "friendly" texts don't make up for the massive hurt and trauma she shot you with. You can't sleep and she happily sends texts. mad

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2388   路   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8754302
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sven ( new member #80286) posted at 6:18 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

This shows the fatal flaw in these affair relationships for older (mid 50's) adults. Lack of shared histroy.


I actually do think that they have more history than she is willing to share ( not "just" a 18 month affair). Not only the long time they have been knowing each other and working with each other, I do think that the affair did start a while ago (maybe with some breaks). And I mean a while.

If you look at the ease, she had to leave you for AP, and still does not regret it although you two share a long marriage. Again, I think AP has been longer her AP than you think and the plan was all along to share their old age together.

But don鈥檛 make yourself crazy with that point, she is not worth it.

posts: 1   路   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8754378
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Momof2greatadults ( new member #80522) posted at 2:43 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

Thank you Troutman523 for sharing your story. I have read your entire thread. Your posts and the responses to them have been so helpful to me. Our stories are very similar but you are a few weeks ahead of me in this journey. I am about to be 54yo and have been married for 32 years (but together for 37) My big reveal day was just 7/31/22 but I got the "bonus kicker" WH told me that day was OW (much too young and inappropriate) gave birth to his child that morning. Anyway, I know this is your thread not mine (Read 180 and not looking to reconcile) but I just wanted to let you know that we will be be OK eventually. I have been getting together with old friends each week and it really gives me something to look forward to. I have been trying to get out of the house so I don't feel lonely and sad. Thank you for giving us updates. I hope you are able to sleep well soon!

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 14   路   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   路   location: Maryland
id 8754809
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 2:50 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Momof2greatadults
Thank you for the kind thoughts. I am so sorry about your situation as well. I can't imagine how awful that is with the pregnancy in the picture.

It sounds like your children may be close in age to mine. How are they handling the situation? What has their relationship become like with their father?

You've read how mine are handling it, and nothing has really changed in that regard. Spent the day with both of them watching football at my eldest's apartment. They have gone above and beyond to just spend time with me and has really helped me a lot.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8754881
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 7:39 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Good idea keeping your mouth shut.

After the divorce is settled in your favor and is granted guess what.

She will hear the prison gates of her life with OM slam shut and lock.

Cancel Christmas for the rest of her life as well.

See how close you can come to guessing how long it will take OM to cheat on your WW?

posts: 1206   路   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   路   location: USA
id 8754960
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Momof2greatadults ( new member #80522) posted at 1:44 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Troutman, I just saw this post on your thread. Thanks for posting on mine. My daughter is 24 and lives out of state (8hours away). Since my STBXH decided to spring the news of his affair and new baby on us after my kids and I had just been together at his sister's lake house(he couldn't get off work to go with us because we now know he was waiting for the baby to be born) I haven't been able to see my daughter or hug her. She is very angry and hurt. Even so because this other person was at our home and involved in our lives up to March 2021.The other woman is only a few years older than my daughter and had maintained a social media friendship with her up until May. All the while knowing that she was pregnant with my husband's baby. My husband hasn't even made an attempt to contact his daughter since August 16th when he finally told her about the paternity test results. She told him not to bother contacting her if he was just going to give lip service to I'm sorry and not taking responsibility for his actions or why he could have admitted to the affair for the pregnancy long before the birth. My son is 22 and lives at home with me. He has to have seen him several times in the last 6 weeks and he's mostly confused and hurt but not as much angry as a sister. Their dad didn't make much effort sometimes and he's really showing his true colors now. I told the kids that I had thought about leaving him many times over the years but I didn't have anywhere to go and I thought this was the best thing for them because at least if he was in the house he would see them. I thought if I left he would not make an effort to be a good father and spend time with them. He has to work 6 days a week 10 to 12 hours a day so he used his job as an excuse for being a crappy husband and a crappy father. Well it's been 6 weeks and he was served papers 2 weeks ago. He has till the end of the month to answer them and produce all the documents. I just can't wait to get this divorce going. I heard rumors that the courts are all backed up but I'm hopeful that this can be done quickly since he definitely has made in a case for adultery and he left me. If I think about all that's ahead of me and all the stress and uncertainty of where to live where to work and how am I going to afford everything I get really upset. I am in individual counseling and she's been seeing me once a week instead of every two. The very confusing part of all this is WH made more effort this year than he ever did. I guess it was the guilt? He attended virtual counseling with me every two weeks and started going to Gamblers Anonymous. He made more of an effort to spend time with me although he wasn't affectionate, so I have to wonder why most people don't realize that I was totally blindsided by this. Anyway, my daughter is coming in this week to visit for my birthday and I will get to hug her, so I am so excited! We are going to celebrate my birthday all week before she goes back Sunday night. I asked her if she wanted to see her father and she said "No, because all I really want to do is hit him" . His mother knows that my daughter is coming into town and hopefully she won't tell him. His mom is 87 and sends me texts almost every day about how she is on our side and she can't forgive him, but I found out Saturday he came to visit her and I came Saturday night and she never bothered to tell me that he had been there that day. Makes me wonder what else she's hiding. Also makes me wonder if she gave him money for a lawyer. That's my problem, I have these burning questions that I want to have answered because I just don't get what he did to me. I don't want him back in any capacity, but I would love to know more details to fill the holes in this story because some days I just don't even believe what has happened to me!! I hope you're sleeping better. I went to the gym for over an hour yesterday and it really helped me get some sleep last night. Hang in there. I hear will be okay eventually. smile

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 14   路   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   路   location: Maryland
id 8754989
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:31 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

survus

Cancel Christmas for the rest of her life as well.

Oh, believe me that is done and more done. There is no "friend zone" in our future.

See how close you can come to guessing how long it will take OM to cheat on your WW?

Here's the thing. I don't think he will. He's coveted her a long time from when they worked together according to my son who has read this right from the get go. He thinks he's won the prize, and I'm sure he is kissing the shit out of her ass, which why she thinks she's found "twue luv". The external validation is exactly what she was looking for because "she'd been unhappy for along time". Well honey, that's on you, no one else can make you happy in the end.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8755152
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:41 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Momof2greatadults

Thanks for the thoughts. Even though my younger son had the briefest of encounters with WW a few weeks ago, my eldest is still NC. She hasn't really done much on her end to fix it really. I'd be trying everything in my power to mend things with my children in this situation. I did hear she has been whining to her brother about eldest and the zero contact, and crying when his name is mentioned. But from the sound of it, as usual it is all about how it is affecting her. Her parents still have no plans to speak to her either.

On my end, still NC, which has been good, and don't see any reason for that to change anytime soon. She is going to have to get in touch at some point as the weather cools. She failed to take any of her outerwear with her when I thought she got the last of her things. mad She also hasn't changed her address, and I'm getting annoyed by the pile of mail. Hope there's nothing time critical...


I'm waiting on my attorney to get back to me on timing of divorce papers being served.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   路   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   路   location: PA
id 8755155
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