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Newest Member: Goku06

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 12:18 AM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

WW perpetrated against me, and to get mad instead

may not be the best way

" like lust, hate is also a chain that bind to the person" - Buddha

I am not trying to preach religion or anything, You need to detach and when those feelings come think something positive just like someone trying to overcome the negative feelings from an illness that s/he was unfortunate enough to get.

Did you file (saw that you have filed) As in many cases the WS get a shock to see the finality (check yankee99 for example). Write now subconsciously in WS mind anything is possible

For sleep try someone who specializes in that area. May be able to get help without depending a lot on drugs

[This message edited by goalong at 12:23 AM, Thursday, August 11th]

posts: 796   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8749967
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 3:42 AM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

Brother don’t hold any anger in nor internalizing the events. I found that the gym was good to get that anger out. You are never too unfit for a brisk walk, slight cardio or basic weight routine. Eat healthy and drink water. Talk to family and support friends. Don’t engage STBX in any way. Become the person she lusts for but discarded.
One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1235   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8749980
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Evertrying ( member #60644) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

I had a great chat with my sister for almost two hours last night. She told me whenever I start feeling "sad" about things to remember all the horrors WW perpetrated against me, and to get mad instead. My therapist also told me I need to feel that as well.

YES. Get pissed at her! I have a good friend who is going through a very similar situation as we speak. His wife of 25 yrs just did a complete 180, shit on him, lied about there being someone else, and walked away from her marriage to be with the POS AP. Never in a million years would I have guessed the two of them splitting. She left everything behind and moved to another state and took nothing but some of her clothes with her.

For months he felt lost and then "POOF" - HE GOT PISSED! Once he did that things started to get better for him. We all know as a BS we go through a whirl of emotions and being angry is one of them. It's all part of the process.
Get mad and eventually you will come to indifference which is the best place to be.

Don't hold the anger in. Get it out anyway you can safely (don't hurt anyone or yourself) and you can start healing.

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1240   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8750037
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:24 PM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

The anger phase saved me. I was finally seeing things for what they were. In the shock phase I was pathetic, bargaining and wanted things back to normal. When the anger hit about 6 months out I told her to forget all the bullshit I said before, this is how I really feel. That is when I really took control of my self care, i put me first, I poured that anger energy into working out and self improvement.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8750039
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Alonelyagain ( member #32820) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

Troutman, I have a couple of pieces of advice for your consideration. First, I was in the same place as you with respect to lack of sleep caused by dealing with now XWW. Like you, I was struggling on just a couple of hours of sleep a night. I then took an introductory kickboxing class which physically exhausted me and I slept through the night for the first time in months. I continued with the kickboxing classes which did wonders for my sleep. I recommend doing whatever exercise you normally do, but at 110-125% greater exertion than your usual hardest workout.

Second, I fear that your youngest son may be thinking that if his mom can do this to his dad, why isn’t it reasonable to conclude that any woman may be capable of doing this to me when I’m older. You may want to talk to him about that aspect or offer to have him see a therapist. Post-divorce, my three kids have all seen a therapist. My then 17-year old son took it hard when his cheerleader gf broke up him because he wouldn’t drink, take drugs and go to sex parties with her, and his therapist helped. I was very proud that he stuck to his morals unlike his mother.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2011   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8750057
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JustNonna ( new member #80456) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

Troutman,

I want to say as I read through your post you are extremely articulate. I believe when you start dating you will be very successful as this imo is a wonderful quality.

I read something awhile back, it made me laugh so hard. I do not know the circumstances of this mans divorce, I just know it was bitter and what he did just made me laugh. It would seem he was the one very hurt and the ex left with AP. He had to pay alimony. He did remarry and he took his wedding picture and was able to use that to create checks for his checking account and every month he would send his ex her alimony check with that picture on it. His ex and her AP did not last. Living well is the best revenge.

It is evil, but it made me giggle. I would never be brave enough to do this.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Washington
id 8750060
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 12:23 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2022

Thanks for the thoughts again everyone, it's all very helpful. The varying viewpoints are just what I need.

Alonelyagain

Troutman, I have a couple of pieces of advice for your consideration. First, I was in the same place as you with respect to lack of sleep caused by dealing with now XWW. Like you, I was struggling on just a couple of hours of sleep a night. I then took an introductory kickboxing class which physically exhausted me and I slept through the night for the first time in months. I continued with the kickboxing classes which did wonders for my sleep. I recommend doing whatever exercise you normally do, but at 110-125% greater exertion than your usual hardest workout.


Thanks. It's finding the energy. I'm so screwed up I can feel my hear rate soar just running up the stairs... I'll get there.


JustNonna

I want to say as I read through your post you are extremely articulate. I believe when you start dating you will be very successful as this imo is a wonderful quality.


Thank you. That's very kind.


I didn't sleep well at all last night which made my day particularly bad, as I had to go to my Uncle's funeral. Those things are draining enough even when you are well rested. It broke my heart watching my Aunt crying today. She lost a good man, who would do anything for anyone and loved and cared for her so deeply. She is 86 and I fear she won't be far behind him. I also got to see my cousin's widow. He died about ten years ago of cancer at age 50. She is a wonderful person who also lost a great husband and father, and I always looked up to him like the big brother I never had when I was a kid. It got me thinking how either of these women would do anything to have their spouses back, and how much they appreciated and loved them. My wife had that love and dedication and she threw it away.

It was good to see extended family and I'm going to make a better effort to stay closer with them, as my sisters both live far away. I need good people like that in my life.

On the ride home my sister told me what my one female cousin said about my WW. "I didn't know her that well, but she always seemed so cold". I'm hearing a lot of this now about her...

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8750075
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LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 3:18 PM on Friday, August 12th, 2022

On the ride home my sister told me what my one female cousin said about my WW. "I didn't know her that well, but she always seemed so cold". I'm hearing a lot of this now about her...

I would pull the following from your cousin's statement:
- your WW was never quite who you thought
- your family is there for you and will support you

As your WW has moved on, keep working on getting yourself healed and start minimizing how much of your thoughts WW occupies.

It sounds like you have a wonderful extended family that will be there for you. Keep leaning on them.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Filing for D

posts: 181   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8750166
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 4:09 PM on Friday, August 12th, 2022

LostOpportunities20

Thanks. I agree she truly was never who I believed, and my therapist says the same thing. It's just saddening to think about.

I do a little better every day getting WW further from my thoughts. In fact this morning I was thinking that I don't really miss her so much at the moment. I'm just really pissed at her for what she has done to me mentally, emotionally and physically (and soon financially). I'm the one toally paying the price for her misdeeds.

My extended family is great, and I really appreciate them.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 4:10 PM, Friday, August 12th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8750201
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 3:02 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

Well, met with WW today to review Settlement Agreement. I won't get into specifics, but I did really well overall, coming out with more than I initially expected. Again won't get into specifics. She agreed with nearly everything, negotitating one minor item that I can deal with. She was surprised that I had started the divorce proceedings, since she was the one who had originally asked for that on DDay, but never did anything about it. I told her I'm not living in limbo anymore witha wife shacking up with another man.

She was strangely chipper and talkatvie today, almost nice, much more so than her reserved nature last time.It was a bit odd to say the least. I tried my best not to engage deeply and was pretty calm overall. She did make it abudantly clear that she has totally moved on with AP, not that I asked. She's still not happy with the very strained relationship with one of ours sons and still nothing at all from the other, as well as nothing from her parents. She sounds done with them. She did vist her one brother over the weekend (the more Switzerland one), not surprising there. She said she hadn't heard from the other. Though SIL over there did text me the other day to see how I was doing.

What was really tough was I hadn't seen her in a month and even after all the hurt the emotions flooded back. She looked really pretty today, and it hurt so much to see that. All I saw was the woman I thought she was beofre all this, maybe because she was so nice today. I'm trying to steer myself back reminding what she has done, but this was a real tough moment and I'm struggling emotionally tonight, feeling super depressed which I haven't in a while. This all just sucks...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 3:03 AM, Friday, August 19th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8751032
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:10 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

Pretty on the outside - not so pretty on the inside.

Just remember she’s not the person you married sadly.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8751033
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 3:20 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

late to the story but I have to give you props.

You got to a final conclusion pretty quickly which will enable your healing.

Your kids are on your side. Don't portray chivalry. Keep them there. It shows their respect for you. Don't defend your WW. Let her do that on her own.

It is sad she decided to blow up 30 years over this. You are ahead of the game on your dividing the assets. Play hardball on the 401K and you are still in your 50's with a great life ahead of you.

Look, people break. Make sure you don't. She already has.

The easiest way to look at it is that she's not who you married anymore and detach, detach and detach. Invest in your kids and your friends. Hobbies. I would block her out. After 30 years, she doesn't even deserve you as a friend at this point and with both kids being adults, you don't even have to coparent.

Just live your life bro

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8751034
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 3:20 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

Pretty on the outside - not so pretty on the inside.

Just remember she’s not the person you married sadly.

I know, I know... Just a bad momnet of weakness. Just so saddened about ending up in this horrible place.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 3:22 AM, Friday, August 19th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8751035
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 3:30 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

Western

Thanks man, I apprecite it. The 401(k) is the one area I did certainly come out ahead in what we negotiaited. I should be able to go back to NC and detatch more with this segment behind me. I've already shot down her thought of being "friends" on the other side of this as I can't have her in my life if I'm going to heal. Having NC for a month was good, and today set me back so that reinforces pretty clearly the need to continue that.

Since I had already vetoed her coming to the house at Christmas to spend it with our sons as a "family" she threw out today she'd like to at least see them at "her" place (OM's home). I told both my sons that this evening and they both laughed, yeah not happening. I did tell her that've made it abundantly clear in the past they will NOT be in OMs presence ever.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 3:33 AM, Friday, August 19th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8751037
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 3:31 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

I agree that this is an empty nester affair and also her being 'unhappy' isn't true. It's just an excuse to justify in her own mind her unethical behavior.

Stay the course. Get out. Find someone you deserve. Keep your kids attached to you

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8751039
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 3:33 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

This is the tough part. Sorry you are hurting. But it does get better. You need to grieve the loss not only of your M but of the mirage image your WW portrayed. The best way to look at this IMO is that the woman you married died. She is gone. The person currently in her form may be pretty but she is an immensely selfish liar and cheat, who has no problem destroying her M, and her son’s family. She’s done with her M and family. She’s done with her parents. She’s done with anyone critical of her lying and cheating. It’s normal to grieve, but she has given you a clean break. She died. You will move on to a much better place. I can’t imagine you would be happy continuing in a M with someone so cold, selfish, entitled and arrogant. Keep moving forward. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3258   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8751040
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 3:45 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

your sons are your best support unit right now. Embrace that.

I agree with Evertrying. Get mad, Get angry you didn't deserve this crapshow.

However, use your anger constructively. When I went through this (my case was not nearly as bad as yours), I used that anger to motivate me to end things and move on with my life. It worked. Any time I felt like caving, the anger took over and said 'screw that, I deserve better' and got me out of the situation quicker.

As the long time posters like Bigger and others say, getting out of infidelity is the biggest thing. However, after 30 years, I don't know how you can ever feel safe with her again. 100% correct. Being 'friends' only makes her mitigate what she did to you. Makes her feel better. Friends means you have to hear about her and Mr. Homewrecker. Not worth it

You are doing awesome and much respect to you

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8751045
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BornYesterday ( new member #80421) posted at 4:02 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

Troutman, I feel as though I could’ve almost written this myself. I’m SO incredibly sorry for the pain you’re feeling. It’s truly a visceral pain. I’m not quite 3 week’s from Dday and when I do manage to sleep? I jolt awake in a complete panic almost on the hour. Daily exercise has been my only savior…and I’m hardly a health nut. It’s 1 hour of me-time that doesn’t hurt quite so much. I’ve lost the same amount of weight as you exactly, but think of it as the silver lining to all this crap. (10 more lbs to goal). You sound as though you’re FAR stronger than I’ve been through this. I’m still stuck in the bargaining phase. So pat yourself on the back for that. And that whole "I’ve been unhappy for years" crap? Don’t take it to heart…I’m convinced that’s a tool to relieve their guilt about the A. I take comfort in statistics and the data show? She’ll dump him or he’ll dump her. It’s only a matter of time. Karma’s coming for them….

posts: 18   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8751047
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 7:39 AM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

She was strangely chipper and talkatvie today, almost nice, much more so than her reserved nature last time.


She was probably thinking that she is not the 'bad guy' anymore, as she did not start the D process, so that 'guilt' does not rest on her shoulders. She conveniently ignores the fact that her A was the reason for the D....

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1014   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8751058
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 12:21 PM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

she may have dressed and put makeup purposely for this meeting. How is her alcohol intake? Any increase indicates she is presenting I am so happy and confident face for your consumption. Better to finalize the separation agreement ASAP . Many times they change their mind, do not do anything to make her angry like saying what she can do and cannot and how sons are feeling about her. Play the sad lost lover mode in dealing with her until the papers are signed.

posts: 796   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8751088
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