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Newest Member: TaraInFlorida

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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nutmegkitty ( member #33882) posted at 9:37 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Excellent reply Troutman. That was perfect.

Me - happy!
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2011   ·   location: MA
id 8745947
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

You are doing quite well, all things considered. Have you seen a lawyer and filed yet? If not, do so immediately and have her served. I would tip her off that she will be served soon so that she will be prepared and not strike out against you out of shock and anger. Move quickly and efficiently. DO NOT take her back under any circumstances. I repeat, DO NOT take her back under any circumstances. Continue with your focus on your physical and emotional well-being. It is good that you are in counseling. Your counselor should be there to help you disengage from your WW. If the counselor does otherwise, look for another one.

Depending on where your head is at, prepare to enter the dating scene within the next six months to one year. Don't look for anything long-term initially. Be careful of rebound relationships.

You have many years ahead of you. Make it the best possible. Your sons are great. Do not fret about how they relate to your WW. That is their issue. They are grown adults. While you shouldn't dwell on punishing your WW, you owe her nothing. She is yesterday's news. Remove her from your life just like you would dispose of a used newspaper. You have been horribly wronged by her. Never forget that. Allow yourself to grieve and experience anger toward her and the OM. Evolve to indifference over the next few months and years. The best way to ensure that she can't weasel back into your life is to find someone else to fill the void. But, be careful. You deserve much better than her.

posts: 683   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8745948
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 11:27 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

From your response it looks like you want to keep the door open for her to come back (nothing wrong with that. It depends on circumstances best known to you.)

She said it would be nice if the four of us could get together for Christmas at the house

It is also possible she wants to be "friend' with you and keep you in tow as a friend. It is a common practice of WSs. So do not attach any significant emotional component to what she said

posts: 803   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8745970
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Today didn't really change anything in my mind, but it did help my psyche. I am going to continue on my path forward doing what is best for me. What it did was put me back in control of the situation which I attribute to the way I approached her today. I was very calm and measured and she really cracked with the whole friends/Christmas thing.

I think it did open her eyes a bit, which is good. Maybe it will help her find a way forward with our sons.

In other news, my first IC session was today and it went well. I did most of the talking today to lay out the background on things. My therapist did comment that the way this has developed and WW's actions are very unusal, and not the normal progression of things, since I told her that was one of my biggest struggles trying to process this mess. She does know my ultimate goal in all of this is to get ME in a better place.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 7:18 PM, Sunday, July 24th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8745976
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:05 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Hi, Troutman, another member who thinks you did a great job dealing with your wife today. smile

Always keep in mind she is not your friend, please treat her as such.

Hopefully your IC will help lead you into a better path of healing, most ICs are good, some are terrible, please trust your instincts.

Try to keep yourself as occupied as possible on the weekends. Meet with family/friends, volunteer, a hobby or an activity, exercise, projects around the house, anything to get you out of the house or keep your mind occupied for a bit for some reprieve from all the thoughts.

One day at a time. We've all been through this hell, and all of us survived. A bit scraped and bruised, but made it through to the other end. You will, too.

posts: 11676   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8745977
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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 9:50 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Just leaving my thoughts of support.

The way you have handled things have been inspirational.

The way you have taken largely the high road, is also commendable.

Keep moving like this.

Your future forward will largely be affected by your progress out of this.

Keep boundaries/strategies in place to keep you separate from all adverse influences.

Work harder on achievements that will enhance your life.

Set big goals.

posts: 613   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8745999
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:29 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Unlike the IC I actually think your wife’s requests and behaviors are typical of the wayward wife.

One thing being on SI gives us is that over time we see patterns. Patterns aren’t determined behaviors, but more a trend that indicates that if researched one could find probabilities of behavior. Like I am fairly certain that by exposing an affair the pattern we have seen here on SI indicates that about 8 out of 10 affairs end. Another pattern indicates that probably a third of them restart in some form.
These patterns need to be handled carefully, because not ALL affairs end with exposure, and not ALL affairs restart. It’s simply a PATTERN – an indication. Sort of like you might take your raincoat if you see gray clouds gathering because it’s LIKELY to rain.

The good thing about these patterns is that we can act in ways that improve our odds in reaching our goals.

One pattern I have seen is the importance the one in the wrong or the initiator of the change places in remaining friends. In this case your wife. She really envisioned this world where you would accept she divorced and had her lover, remained friends, the family would all accept the change and all that. Who knows – maybe you and her new man could become golfing buddies.
This behavior tends to extend into keeping family events like holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Go read the Divorce forum and within the first five pages you will see threads that are exactly about that: how to deal with holidays, with suggestions from the ex that they be spent together.

I think your reactions were spot-on. I think a clear message that you are going your path no matter what is a good message. If you want a shot at reconciling then it’s fine to let her know that YOU are getting out of infidelity and leaving her behind. If she wants you to wait – the first requirement is that she ends the affair and then follow up with some actions that allow you to justify you pausing for her to catch up.


Look – We are dealing with NOW. For NOW its best to be as separate as possible. NC and all that. The FUTURE might be different. I don’t necessarily envision you two as grabbing coffee in five years from now, but I would hope that if one of your son’s marry he doesn’t have to chose if he has mom or dad at the ceremony. I would HOPE for both of you that if this ends in divorce then over time you two find some amicable way to coexist.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11154   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8746009
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 12:18 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Grey rock my friend and let there be no cake eating.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1253   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8747011
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 5:58 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

paboy

Just leaving my thoughts of support.

The way you have handled things have been inspirational.

The way you have taken largely the high road, is also commendable.

Keep moving like this.

Your future forward will largely be affected by your progress out of this.

Keep boundaries/strategies in place to keep you separate from all adverse influences.

Work harder on achievements that will enhance your life.

Set big goals.

Thanks appreciate it.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8747039
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 6:06 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Bigger

One pattern I have seen is the importance the one in the wrong or the initiator of the change places in remaining friends. In this case your wife. She really envisioned this world where you would accept she divorced and had her lover, remained friends, the family would all accept the change and all that

My family is absolutely shocked that she would think this possible. I think this goes hand in hand with the lack of guilt/shame/remorse; she doesn't truly believe she's in the wrong here. My youngest said it yesterday, it's one thing to have an affair, and have the Dday moment/confession, but to double down on the action by immediatley moving right in with OM wihout even batting an eye or bothering to try to make any changes really has him disturbed.

Look – We are dealing with NOW. For NOW its best to be as separate as possible. NC and all that. The FUTURE might be different. I don’t necessarily envision you two as grabbing coffee in five years from now, but I would hope that if one of your son’s marry he doesn’t have to chose if he has mom or dad at the ceremony. I would HOPE for both of you that if this ends in divorce then over time you two find some amicable way to coexist.

We'll see. That point is a long way off for me, as I need to fix me first and that is going to take a long time. The utter lack of any contrition or shame is becoming a real stumbling block in that direction for me.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 7:21 PM, Sunday, July 24th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8747041
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 11:10 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

@Troutman523 - I totally see your point of view.

Not to be overly semantic, when you are ready, let me suggest the goal should be a "civil" relationship as opposed to "amicable".

Civil and EXTREMELY limited in scope.

***

By the way, your wife's delusional idea of her new life with you as her friend is ultra-common.

Unfortunately, therapists tend to be woefully uninformed, unprepared, and ill-equipped when it comes to how to deal with cheaters.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:59 AM, Monday, July 25th]

posts: 944   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8747076
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:56 AM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

I think I agree with you that focusing on the AP is not helpful. But there is still a grieving process that needs to be worked through, otherwise you end up emotionally stuck.

posts: 299   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8747865
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 12:36 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Codermom

I think I agree with you that focusing on the AP is not helpful. But there is still a grieving process that needs to be worked through, otherwise you end up emotionally stuck.

Agreed. I'm still all over the rolleercoaster of emotions. My worst part of the day always seems to be in the morning, becuase I am an absolute zombie from lack of sleep, even after my Dr. doubled my sleep medication dose.

Not much else to report, other than that I just filed. I had one e-mail exchange with her last week about her coming by the house to pick up most of her remaining things. She's doing that while I'm traveling this week for work, so NC there.

Our sons still haven't spoken to her yet. My youngest said he might reach out soon. He envisions going forward seeing her now and then for a neutral site dinner, and he's not going to share as much of his life with her as he once did. My oldest is still unsure what he's going to do.

Her parents have basically told me they are done with her. Her mother said "She's at peace with her decision".

Of course WW has made no real effort outside of a few texts to move forward with our sons. I'd be writing actual letters, or showing up on their dooorstep if it was me. Anything to try to fix that.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8747960
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:00 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Troutman,

I get the impression, I don't know from where, that your MIL find OM disgusting.

posts: 1235   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8747972
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 2:52 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

I get the impression, I don't know from where, that your MIL find OM disgusting.

LOL. Well, they've never met him (and never plan to) but that's probably accurate. I know they're pretty disgusted with their own daughter...

I had MIL/FIL over for dinner the other night. We had a very nice time.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8747979
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masti ( member #54237) posted at 5:16 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

I had MIL/FIL over for dinner the other night. We had a very nice time.


That is for now. Prepare yourself for the future where they might have her and the OM over for functions. She is their daughter and no matter how much they like you, they might mend their differences with her.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2016
id 8748003
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nothisfriend ( member #53171) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

I had MIL/FIL over for dinner the other night. We had a very nice time.

I have a very good relationship with my former MIL. But we have lots in common and even if we had never been related I think we would have been friends. She was shocked at DDay but time has passed and I know she has a relationship with XH and wifetress. But she and I make it a point to stay in touch, see each other, and have a wonderful time never mentioning or alluding to her stupid offspring. My DS is her only grandchild and that is a lovely tie between us as well as our common interests. She has met my BF and is so gracious to him. My family loves her and always asks about her and would love to spend time with her also.

So, it can be done. A relationship can be maintained but time definitely makes it easier.

Me: BS 50 (at the time)
Him: WH 53 (at the time)
D-Day: 10/25/15
Married: 5/14/1988
One son, age 18 (at the time)
D final 9/13/16

posts: 1274   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2016   ·   location: Illinois
id 8748082
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:42 PM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2022

Hi, Troutman, just checking in.

Did your wife pick up all of her belongings?

Were you able to get some sleep on your trip?

Did your son ever communicate with your wife?

Please continue to lean on your IC and family and friends for support.

posts: 11676   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8749791
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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 1:44 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Hoping the trip went well for you.

Keep remembering.. work hard in everything as you move forward, and the results will come.

Best results come from hard work.

posts: 613   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8749828
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 8:40 PM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Did your wife pick up all of her belongings?

Were you able to get some sleep on your trip?

Did your son ever communicate with your wife?

Thanks everyone for the support, I appreciate it.

Not much really new to report. Been NC for about 1.5 weeks. She picked up most of them...Still a few things and she'll need to sort out all the china/crystal other crap in the dining room. I don't want any of that.

I'm still sleeping like crap. Trying everything possible, meditation before bed, white noise, etc... Maybe getting 4-5 hrs. a night. I'm up to 150mg of my sleep mediciation, from my original 50 then 100. The lack of sleep isn't helping my demeanor for sure.

My eldest still has not spoken and has no plans to. My youngest did meet her for dinner last week. He wouldn't say a lot to me but said it wasn't great and awkward at best. I was glad to hear from him that she's at least suffering a bit. Wasn't sure after D Day that the woman was capable of feeling anything really. He told her not to text me anymore, particulalry with her BS "how are you feeling?"

I had a great chat with my sister for almost two hours last night. She told me whenever I start feeling "sad" about things to remember all the horrors WW perpetrated against me, and to get mad instead. My therapist also told me I need to feel that as well.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 8:41 PM, Wednesday, August 10th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8749927
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