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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 12:13 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

That betrayal cuts so deeply. I think I've done fairly well of late detatching from the her emotionally, and I don't miss her per say. I am so upset though by the family dynamic she has destroyed. From our children, to her parents to her siblings and mine, and the long-term ramifications of all of that.

Yeh, it sure does cut deep. Cuts to the bone.

As to family dynamic, yes, its forever altered, but not necessarily "destroyed". Gently, I think that gives her too much power. Gonna be different, sure. As Bigger alluded to, new teaditions, new ways, new experiences will be had together...without her yes, but it'll happen.

It will take time, patience, and work but it will happen.

Keep posting Brother. Let us walk with you through this shyte storm.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8756839
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:19 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

I, personally, would respond but check with your attorney first. I would simply state that "I am suing you for divorce and how you respond is not my concern. We have no prior agreement on how to proceed." You don't need her to drag her feet in the process. The sooner she is convinced you are serious, the quicker you can move the divorce along. You don't need a situation where you show up in court and your WW claims she did not take the process seriously. The judge will most likely not give you a default ruling but give her time to get an attorney and mount a response. I would tell her that your divorce petition is as serious as a heart attack. Then go NC.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:22 AM, Saturday, September 24th]

posts: 683   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8756841
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 9:28 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Brother, tell her she is an adult, work it out for herself. It is not discovery learning, she is an adult and supposedly a mother. Work it out WW!
As for the Christmas decorations.
Well I believe POS is Jewish, so she won’t want them for her new abode. If the children don’t want them and the decorations trigger you too much; have a donation frenzy with the church. Or smash your anger out on them. Either way it is your and your children’s choice. Not the cheaters.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1249   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8756876
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 3:27 PM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

First, congrats on your process moving forward since she has now been served.

The paperwork says I am being sued. Is this all a formality or do I need to get an attorney?


Just...wow...

The words "intentional ignorance" come to mind.

Congratulations also for not letting this be your problem. Excellent boundary.

Treat yourself well this weekend.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 286   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8756889
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:20 PM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

I'm going through a settlement of a non-D lawsuit ... I cannot say more strongly: 1) say nothing now; 2) let your attorney know of this communication and follow their advice on how to handle it.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27869   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756899
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 11:41 PM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

OK, I decided not to respond.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8756935
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 8:57 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

OK, I decided not to respond.


Wise.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8757018
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 10:53 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

OK, I decided not to respond.

I believe that is the safest option for you. You should make your attorney aware of any further approaches, suggestions, overtures, etc, from your WW. You are no longer a 'team'; you are two individuals, and you have to fight your corner to obtain the best possible result for yourself, in the situation your WW has put you in.

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8757025
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:47 AM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

I don’t see harm in responding, but it needs to be in a very careful way.
The advantage I see in responding is that by your account she has agreed on a settlement that is to your advantage. Her logical and natural reaction to no response might be to think you are out for blood, lawyer up and play hard.

A relatively neutral reply could be:

"Divorce is a legal process and generally in legal processes one person needs to sue the other to get things started. In the dictionary one definition of "sue" is "to proceed with and follow up (a legal action) to proper termination" and that is what the papers mean.
You need to decide for yourself if you feel you need an attorney or not. The whole process is defined and determined within a legal framework that is supposed to be fair."

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8757033
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 9:05 AM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

I’m not from the US but am a lawyer. My guess is that the document itself says what it is and what she needs to do. It probably comes with a letter suggesting she seek legal advice.

If that is so, one response is as politely as possible to ask her to read it and it should make sense.

The other option is for troutman to ask his lawyer what to do.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 173   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8757053
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:31 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

She actually sent me another e-mail over the weekend stating she read the paperwork more thoroughly and understands better now. She is going to contact my attorney.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8757069
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:58 AM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Troutman, I'm glad you decided not to respond.

She is an adult, she will certainly figure it out on her own.

All communication can be handled through your lawyer.

No contact unless it is something involving your children that needs addressing.

posts: 11665   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8757183
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 7:49 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Having a really lousy day, physically and emotionally.

I've been sick for four days, went to the clinic today and sure enough I have COVID. I knew my compromised immune system due to my lack of sleep would finally meet it's match...

Aside from being physically ill and all that entails, my anxiety is through the roof. I had a nightmare involving WW last night which has me messed up. For whatever reason today I am so hung up on the fact that she has given herself to someone else and all the physical aspects of it are eating me alive at the moment. I feel like I want to puke and the visions are killing me. I'm back to just not understanding how things ended up in this place and how she just quit on me, quit on us. I've also been hung on OM the last couple days, and know I shouldn't do that either. I know it was WW who made vows to me not him, but it takes two to tango. You have to be such a seriously low life POS to insert yourself into someone else's marriage. My kids are right, he's coveted WW for a long time, and they've seen this relationship border on inappropiate for a while.

Ugh! And I had been doing pretty well emotionally. sad

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 2:13 AM, Wednesday, September 28th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8757237
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 8:28 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

What you wrote in your previous long post about planning the rest of the future with the wife and that wife did not exist. It was an illusion. Your wife knew it but she was cultivating that illusion in your mind. If what you said is real, to me it seems very cruel. Your wife is missing something in understanding how people are affected by mind games or she is purely narcistic. Most WSs at least apologize for the mental distress caused to the BS by their actions.

Consider what happened as a chronic disease and as we all do we somehow learn to live with it. It is sexy to keep one's head up and function even better in all aspects in the face of adversity. Even WSs are impressed by that. For the time being I think interacting with others close to you in many activities as much as possible and challenging yourself to do something new like a knew skill may be the best way not to indulge in negative thoughts. AS the video I quoted before says learning love without clinging is the way to go

Personally a woman who take alcohol everyday is not very attractive

[This message edited by goalong at 8:33 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

posts: 803   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8757249
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 9:12 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Sorry about the COVID19. Take care. Remember you are on an emotional rollercoaster. The downside really hurts. But it does go up again. Hang in there.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8757256
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 9:59 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

COVID sucks. So sorry. Get plenty of rest....the fatigue hit me hard.

I am sorrier still for the pain you are feeling over her betrayal. No way around it, only through unfortunately. As fareast said, there will be an upswing as well. In the meantime do all you can to constructively distract yourself with actvities you enjoy.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8757265
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:10 AM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

You might be more emotional due to the Covid. I hope you recover quickly and start to feel better both physically and emotionally very soon.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12782   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8757302
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 2:57 AM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Sorry your sick with Covid Troutman523. From what I’ve heard (haven’t had it yet, knock on wood) your dreams can be vivid and usually aren’t good, given you are battling the virus, and all the wild emotions you go through with your WW’s horrible actions, it’s not surprising. Still, sorry you are going through this.

I too had the same dreams and visions of my wife with the POS. I got all the dirty details, so nothing left to my imagination. When experiencing these visions (while awake), I would visualize a virtual stop sign in front of the vision. Did it consistently each time, for about 10-15 seconds and it, with time, helped eliminate the daytime visions.

The dreams will get better with time…..

posts: 807   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8757307
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 3:07 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Thanks for all the good thoughts. It's amazing the kindness of strangers on the internet; you guys are the best.

Bad night again last night. Two very vivid dreams, not nightmares. It was WW and I happy togther as if nothing happened. It's really getting to me today again. And of course the COVID isn't helping...

I know in the grand scheme of things, at just over three months I'm not that far out, but this rollercoaster is doing a number on me. I'm just so tired of being tired, of feeling sick, of taking myriad medications, of anxiety and depression, of all the fallout.

How do these people cause so much carnage, and care so little? I just can't right now...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 9:50 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8757352
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PlanNine ( member #46311) posted at 3:25 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Two very vivid dreams, not nightmares. It was WW and I happy togther as if nothing happened.


I had those often in the early days, and they really messed with my head. You wake up happy and content, if only for a moment, only to discover that reality is the actual nightmare. They fade over time though. I haven't had a dream involving exWW in years.

"I was also thinking, 'Maybe I'm not a bike racer.' I doubted myself for a while, but now I'm back on track. I may not be a bike racer, but I can beat plenty of them that reckon they are." - Guy Martin

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2015   ·   location: Florida
id 8757354
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