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I left my husband January 28th. He confessed to having an affair with a co-worker for the past 7 months.She's now pregnant with his baby. I think I am still in shock. There's just so much to wrap my head around.
My husband is 46 we've been married for 17 yrs. Never had issues with infidelity. He did say that he was struggling with getting older. I always tried to comfort him, compliment him. He said he loved me so much,for being a wonderful wife. He's still in love with me. But he was very attracted to her sexually. She's a very beautiful woman, she's 28. No kids. He said he made a terrible mistake. He tried leaving her, but she threatened to make is life hell if he did. He's been trying to leave her. Sex stopped with her over a month ago. But now, she is 3 months pregnant. He said she trapped him. He told her he was telling me, she became extremely angry. Anyway, now my husband is becoming a father. He is going to care for the baby, but he's begging me for forgiveness.
We always have had a very close relationship, he was always a good husband. We started out as bestfriends from college, then dated then married.
He's never cheated before, never having suspected that he had or would have an affair. Just not in his character. He said she had a draw on him. He was addicted to the sex. He never felt a emotional connection to her. Either way. I'm crushed. I left him, I have been staying at a Airbnb, I asked him for space, and time to sort things out.
I think I want a divorce. But close friends say I should wait. Why, my husband is having a baby with another woman.
I don't think I can get past it. I do love him. I know that he loves me. I know my husband is absolutely miserable right now. He's been texting me constantly and calling, I blocked him, and he is going crazy. I feel terrible. I honestly do not know what to do next!
I don't want to be alone. I'm still inlove with my husband. But I can't live with my husband having a baby and a baby's mother to deal with.
I have read other post and read several articles which are helpful. Maybe some fresh perspective will help. I am just afraid of his reaction if I serve him with Divorce papers. I am very fair, I will walk away. I won't ask for anything. I am torn up. But I don't want to make this worse or be harsh. Our marriage was a wonderful one.
I just feel like I should just walk away.

The reason you feel you should walk away is because you do deserve better. You honored your vows and marriage while your wayward husband did not. Because you had what you thought was a fulfilling, healthy relationship with your best friend and lover, and he ultimately betrayed you. You also have to ask yourself if you did reconcile, what impact is that child going to have on your life. I'd also be concerned with the affair partner remaining in your life (due to your WH saying he was "sexually drawn" to her. What would stop the chance of it happening again with her (or someone else). I think your WH needs to go to counseling. Good luck and keep us posted!

I'm guessing the close friends are telling you to wait until he puts the child through college?

Seems to me he's already had a get out free to continue cheating because "the sex is just that good"

I also imagine now he'll be co-parenting, going over to her house, looking after the kid etc, he'll exercise the same restraint to that good sex on tap he's demonstrated thus far.

Aka don't listen to your close friends. Practically you'll be putting yourself through many years of hell for someone's whose demonstrated sheer lack of feeling or decency towards you.

When you "Walk Away", make sure you walk away with what is rightfully and legally yours.

Make sure you follow your attorney’s advice.

It sounds like you’re feeling sorry for him to some degree. Do not compromise yourself. It’s difficult to make definitive decisions soon after discovery day (DD). You’re still in a post DD shock phase and are susceptible to making emotional decisions that may compromise your long term welfare.

Follow the objective clear headed advice of your attorney.

Your husband has been in a seven month affair. He literally missed thousands of opportunities to avoid this affair in its early stages of evolution and then missed thousands of more opportunities to stop it every inch of the way for the last seven months leading up to this disastrous conclusion. Your husband initiated and perpetuated this affair from Alpha to Omega, in earnest, without hesitation and, would still be cheating today if she did not become pregnant.

I think you should listen to your gut.

Staying means forever having the OW in your life. It means having an OC in your home,and the risk that will bring to your(she wanted you life...of the child falls,and gets a bruise,she may very well contact CPS,and the police).

His reasons for the affair stink. What happens the next time a pretty girl flirts with him? According to him,he was helpless to resist.

Staying married means a lifetime of pain.

Trust your gut.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:46 PM, Thursday, February 17th]

I'm very sorry you qualify for SI membership. I hope you get the support you want.

I read your post to say you're still uncertain. My reco is to wait a bit until you're sure.

IMO, your most important task right now is figuring out what you want, not what the voices in your head and the voices from outside that are telling you what you should want. You're making a decision that will affect decades of your life ... it's worth taking your time before acting.

Frankly, if you've read your H right, I think R is possible for you - if that's what you want. I don't mean to push you towards R. Rather, I mean to encourage you to consider many options.

R succeeds if both partners do the necessary work. R is a waste of time if the BS wants D or if the WS won't do the work.

I imagine you're overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings right now, about the grief, anger, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed. My reco is to use at least some of your energy to feel those feelings, as horrible as they are, because feeling them releases them. You've probably got lots of feelings, so it's a lot of work, but even just starting to release the feelings will clear your head to more easily figure out what you want.

You want an optimal decision, not just a quick one....

Bumping this one ahead of the duplicate

Limoncello- regardless if you decide to R or D, you should consider how child support will affect you going forward. YOu don't say if you have children of your own or not. If you file for D prior to the other child being born, you will be first in line for a higher percentage of your husband's salary towards your support.

As others have said, if you do leave, do not just walk away. Get an attorney, and get what is rightfully yours. YOu never know if you get in an accident, or have some horrific health issue in a couple of yrs that may make you regret just walking away. YOu can be fair, while still asking for what you're entitled to. I highly recommend hiring an attorney, b/c you situation could be complicated by the other child.

Lastly, I can see that your husbands AP will most likely dump him at some point in the future. He will just serve as a provider for the baby. She's 28, she'll get bored of him in a few yrs time and he will be miserable. You on the other hand, you can still make a life for yourself. If you stay, you're going to have to deal with that other woman and the baby FOREVER. Not until the child is 18, FOREVER. Repeat FOREVER.

I don't want to be alone. I'm still inlove with my husband. But I can't live with my husband having a baby and a baby's mother to deal with.

I don't blame you. I think dealing with a baby momma would be a deal-breaker for me as well. The only way to put her out of your life would be to have nothing to do with the child and that's too hard for some cheaters to manage. We do have a thread in the I Can Relate section dealing with OC's. It might help you to see how other people have handled it.

Bear in mind that it's still early days. Quite often, it turns out that the OW is lying about the pregnancy, and sometimes, nature interferes and there's a miscarriage. Sometimes, the OW is blaming the wrong guy.

So, it's not your WH's baby until she has done paternity and proved it. And that's incumbent upon HER; he doesn't have to volunteer for that. He can step back and wait to see if she comes after him. My point is that you have lots of time still, so you don't have to run right out and file for divorce until you are READY to do that.

I do agree that your WH would still be cheating if he hadn't freaked out at the prospect of impregnating someone, so he's a cheater and you will need to see how you feel about what he's done. It might be that the cheating on its own is a deal-breaker. You don't know until you've had time to process it.

Anyway, do make sure you are prioritizing your own health. This kind of trauma is so hard on the body. There's also more information to be had in The Healing Library to get you started on the right path. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're going to be okay though. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but really, you will get through this. We all have.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:52 PM, Thursday, February 17th]

I am trying to figure out my husband's state of mind. Why he did this to us? He would always say " We cant ever hide things from each other. Were not that couple." When did that change for him? When did he stop loving me? Why? Why did he lose respect for me? We were always so close! Affectionate and we had open communication. I just have so many questions, I fear I will never get answers to.

Honey here's the thing, none of this has anything to do with you. That's part of the mindfuck of all the fun things that come along with infidelity. He was not feeling good about himself, as you mentioned, and then some beautiful younger woman made him feel special. The ego kibbles were exactly what he was seeking.

This does not mean he didn't/doesn't love you what it means is he is morally broken, and needs to work on figuring out his why's to ever be considered a safe partner for you or anyone else.

I am trying to figure out my husband's state of mind. Why he did this to us?

Limonchello, so sorry you found yourself in the situation you never imagined yourself to be in. This pain is horrific...

Your WH's behavior is solely on HIM, you did nothing to cause this behavior. You also wrote that "he was struggling with getting older. ". I see this as a spiritual dis-ease aka what some call a mid-life crisis. His morals, character, beliefs are based on shifting sand, they didn't have a solid foundation to live a happy and fulfilling life. Looks like he made a decision to become a pleasure-chaser as a possible escape. Our lives require decision-making, and now it's his time to choose what he really wants and how he is going to handle the situation with accountability and respect towards YOU, but it's up to him to act to fix and heal himself. Marriage is only healthy when both people are healthy or work on their growth.

Strength to you in this uneasy event in your life
((()))

She's a very beautiful woman....

No. She might be physically attractive, but beauty is as beauty does, and SHE is a creep who would fuck another woman's husband. They always affair down, sweetie. Always.

Why should you walk away? Why should you "ask for nothing"? Actions have consequences. Your husband did a horrible thing. He is experiencing the loss of the woman (he says) he loves, for something he considers "a mistake". There are no mistakes in adultery, there are only perpetrators and victims. I realize you love him still -- and I admire you for that, honestly. Just be careful you are admiring the real guy, and not the image of him you fell in love with years ago. Because, my friend, Elvis has left the building. That man doesn't exist any more. MAYBE he never did.

I'm not advocating a course of action, because clearly your husband is remorseful, and that is ironically a good sign. That means, all selfish sabotaging decisions aside, your marriage meant something to him, or he's just a good actor. Hurting you, that meant something to him. What you do going forward will require the patience of a saint and a lot of work... even from you. This is a blow to a partner's pride to be sure. Like it or not your husband's side piece is now the mother or his child and she DOES have a claim on at least child support. She can yell at him as much as she likes but that isn't going to make the obligation go away. The baby is coming, and when it arrives, he will have (at the very least) an 18 YEAR obligation. If you stay with him, you are going to be party to this. Putting aside the emotions for a moment, that is the practical outcome. So balance that against your emotional needs from your husband and envision what those 18 years will be like. "Challenging" is the nice way of putting it. Lots of work, lots of sacrifice ahead, including egos. So, yeah, there ought to be consequences for this man. He did what he did because he wanted to do it at the time. There's a million decision points that leads a partner to adultery, and all of them should be answered with "no, I'm married". Your husband failed all of those. On purpose. That's a fact, too.

Actions, consequences. Give it some thought. Don't be in a rush. You are not the one with a deadline, he is.

I am absolutely heartbroken over this affair and this beautiful woman being able to give him something he's been yearning for.

1000% with CT's comment above! Was going to say exactly the same. This OW is definitely a broken person. Looks don't make a person beautiful or make them a whole person.

I am so sorry you ended up here. He has put you in a big tangled mess.

Get IC, individual counseling, ASAP. If the first one isn't a fit try another one. Interview attorneys and pick one you like. Your husband may have big legal problems with child support, etc. It might be better not to be married to him.

Did you say your husband drove her to a doctor's appointment? No, just no. Has he seen an attorney?

I stayed with my husband, had there been a child with the AP I could not have. Just me, I would not have the strength to do it.

And if you are pregnant, that really changes things.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

I saw your post on your other thread. First, take a big breath and remember to drink some water. You have been experiencing symptoms for the past two weeks but you also JFO a couple of weeks ago. It's not uncommon to feel extremely tired, emotional, lack of appetite/vomiting in the wake of infidelity. There is one way to find out - take a test. Take two tests. Call your doctor if you get a positive test. Then you can make an informed decision.

Reconciling with a WS is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, and that's when they can fully commit to the NC, timeline, transparency, IC, remorse playbook. There's no way your WH can commit fully to those actions when he's going to have one foot stuck in the A with this child. We're talking about a constant reminder in form of the care and feeding of the fruits of his adultery.

As others have pointed out, I wouldn't be so quick to take her word for the paternity. She wouldn't be the first woman to lie about paternity to keep a man trapped in a relationship.

I would also be wary of the, "it was just sex" story. Your WH wouldn't be the first man to lie and say a relationship was just sex" to try to minimize the A.

And if he was just in it for the sex, why this chivalrous attitude toward the child? Sure, he may be on the hook for some kind of support payment, but if he doesn't want a child he shouldn't feel obligated to be involved in raising it. Funny that he feels obligated to "do the right thing" by the child when he couldn't do the same for you.

The child will be better off if your WH uncomplicates her life by exiting and leaving her to find someone who can be a full time parent.

Your friends are idiots; their advice is such crap that my only explanation for it is that they are all married to scumbags and will feel ashamed of themselves if you had the guts to do what they aren’t able. Your instincts are 100% correct.

You didn’t sign up to be a stepmother to OW’s baby, to have her in your life forever, and to share your husband’s time and resources with a second family.

Get out while you can and as quickly as possible. If you would be entitled to spousal support or if you have children for whom you would need child support, it’s all the more important that you beat OW to the punch so that her share is based on whatever is left after your husband’s payments to you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:19 AM, Friday, February 18th]

I’m so sorry for you. I posted in your original thread so I won’t repeat myself.

First off, your friends are not idiots. Most likely they have not been in your position and they are doing the best they can. They are trying to support you the best way they can. They may not be the most helpful but they are trying to support you.

Second, it’s very hard to make these tough decisions. Your works is turned upside down.

Please don’t be so hard in yourself. You can stay separated from him for as long as you need to. If you decide to D you want to be sure it’s the right decision for you.

There is a section here in SI called I Can Relate. There will be a post or thread about betrayed spouses who have had to deal with the OC. You may find good advice there too.

So there will be no keeping a secret.

I mentioned this in my first post on your other thread:

Just to get this out of the way: Co-workers, work-place affair… there is no way you can even imagine keeping this childs existence a secret. IF you decide to remain married I would suggest you accept it’s existence IF he is the fathe

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Drop ALL hope or wish or expectancy of this being a secret. Not because his brother might break his oath of confidentiality and risk his whole career (not likely…) but because this is a workplace affair, the OW is pregnant and the chances are that everyone from John the janitor to Sally in bookkeeping already know of the affair and quickly realize the child is the fruit of that affair.