Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:33 AM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
I’m so sorry.
I stayed with my husband after he cheated, but I think him fathering a child with his affair partner would have been a dealbreaker.
I admire your strength and thoughtfulness. As others have said, go easy on yourself and take the time you need to come to the right decision for you. If your gut is telling you this is too much, listen to it.
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:42 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
I have been having pregnancy symptoms for the past couple weeks.
Finding out about his affair I have ignored it. In fear I may be pregnant and a single Mom.
Also the fact that my Doctor seeing us through this process is my husbands brother. So there will be no keeping a secret.
It's not been a month and I am just so exhausted, I feel it's so much effort trying to avoid him. All the work ahead.
Please put yourself first in caring for yourself. You deserve it, whether you are pregnant or not.
If you are pregnant, you are under a LOT of stress--so self care is important.
Have you told others (friends, family) who can support you?
Have you connected with an individual counselor for objective support (and someone to vent to)?
Even though you've been seeing your BIL as your doctor, could you visit another doctor in order to ensure your privacy and to get needed care?
Leaving your husband and staying apart right now is an incredibly strong decision and, in my opinion, a great idea no matter what the outcome (divorcing or ultimately reconciling). You are giving yourself space to think. You are giving yourself time and space to weigh your options. And you have sent him a clear message about your boundaries.
Be kind to yourself and pay attention to basics like eating, hydrating, and rest.
You have supporters here! (((Hugs to you)))
[edited for typos]
[This message edited by BreakingBad at 12:45 PM, Friday, February 18th]
"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]
Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 8:24 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
I'm really in a hard situation now. First my time at my Airbnb has run out.I couldn't find a affordable one, so,I had to return home. I had no choice. My husband is being respectful, he gave me the bedroom and he is in the guestroom.
He approached me and wanted to talk. He went out and bought roses and my favorite take out. I find it hard to be harsh, or unkind. I just keep my distance. I thanked him. He burst into tears, telling me he's so sorry, for hurting me and he loves me,and doesn't want to lose me. He asked that I not leave again, but stay and work on our marriage.
I had to be honest with him. I told him I loved him very much. I also told him I was hurt and disappointed. I honestly don't think that I could remain married to him. Him being a father is a blessing and it kills me he got another woman pregnant, but the baby is a blessing. I know that he will be an incredible father. But I think we should get a divorce. It took everything for me to say those words. But I needed to say it. I don't want to lead him on.
My heart is so broken. I will never see him the same. I dont want to be suspicious everytime he visits his baby or he helps the OW and his baby in anyway. I cant live like this.
Also, I found out this morning that my suspicion was correct. I'm pregnant. I don't know if I can go through with this pregnancy, especially alone. I feel terrible because we went so hard trying to conceive and all the Doctors visits and procedures. I feel lower than low seeking an abortion. My other option would be, divorce quickly and move away. I don't want to tell my husband that I am pregnant. Maybe I will back home to Southern California and if he finds out about the baby, maybe he will assume that I had gotten pregnant with another man.
I know my mind is all over the place. News of the pregnancy has just added another layer of stress on me. I wanted to be happy. I am not young and I have no chance of having another child. It hurts me so badly, to not be able to share this with my husband. He became extremely angry and upset about me asking for a divorce. He was angry with himself. He was upset that our marriage is over. He's been hurt and ashamed. Family has been disappointed with him. I know he's full of regret.
Right now I am just trying to keep it together and trying to find affordable housing. I have so much on my plate. This pregnancy. I can only share here, I have to hide it. Infidelity is the worst. It destroys everything.
humantrampoline ( member #61458) posted at 8:37 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
I'm so sorry. Are there people in your life that you can count on for support right now? Is there someone in Southern California who can be there for you? If there is someone, consider reaching out to them.
Your situation is heartbreaking. I do think time away from your husband will help you figure out what you want to do long term. If you choose to have your child, and I'm not giving my opinion on that, you may have to count on raising your child on your own.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:50 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
This is heartbreaking. You are now pregnant and it should be the happiest time in your life. But sadly right now it is not.
Please please don’t make any rash decisions. Get some counseling. Get some support.
You may figure out a way to have this baby and be happy and supported.
See an attorney if necessary.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 8:50 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
Limoncello- given your recent update on your pregnancy, please please take care of yourself. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this when it should be a happy moment in your life. Whatever you decide to do (no judgements here), please just take good care of yourself. And if you feel safer in SoCal, head there and find some peace.
You can let your WH sort things out with his AP. let him determine if in fact the AP is pregnant, or just lying (which is possible).
Take care of you and the unborn for now.
humantrampoline ( member #61458) posted at 9:13 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
If you choose to have your child, and I'm not giving my opinion on that, you may have to count on raising your child on your own.
I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be discouraging. It's obviously not your financial responsibility to raise your child on your own. There are legal responsibilities your child's father will have. And I don't mean to imply that your husband will not want to be part of your child's life. That is a projection of my own fears, not your reality.
Again, I apologize. Please take care of yourself.
ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:01 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
I think it would be a shame to give up what might be your only chance to be a mother. That's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your better bet is to tell your WH about the pregnancy, then make plans to move back to S.Cal. where you have a support network. If he follows, so be it. Work the rest out from there.
BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 10:27 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
I am so very sorry. This is heartbreaking. I say take your time and do exactly what you feel is right. I would recommend confiding in family and making immediate moves to be close to your family where ever that is. What your husband wants should not factor into ANY decisions. If you decide to tell him, do it with someone else present or after you have left to be with family. The last thing you need is the stress of his anger or emotions when you tell him and remain firm in your decision to divorce.
I do not see any way forward in your marriage if he does have a child with another woman. From what you describe, he is already focused on the pity party for himself. HE CHOSE THIS. You didn't and you still have to deal with it. From what you shared, he is focused on what is best for him and not you. Roses after having a baby with another woman???? Insulting.
You can be co parents but you need to protect yourself legally immediately and get the advice of the lawyer. Again, do not listed to anything your husband says or what he wants. You should ONLY consider what is best for you. Please take care of yourself and consult a lawyer right away. I am so very sorry your husband isn't who you thought he was.
[This message edited by clouds777 at 10:28 PM, Friday, February 18th]
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 10:56 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
To "humantrampoline" I understand what you meant. No offense taken. I wasn't planning on telling my husband about my pregnancy. But may be easier said than done. He will ask about the appointments, and we have a major check up March 1st. I'm sick thinking about lying to him. I think maybe I should just try and leave for California immediately. I don't have family there anymore but I have a dear friend. Who I reached out to. I'm afraid I could get in trouble for not telling my husband about the pregnancy. I did consider just saying I was pregnant soon after we broke up, I dont know. I do know he will be extremely attached if he finds out. He will fight for me to stay near for the child.I know I can't be around when the OW has their baby. I need to be free and away. I know its selfish. But its what I feel.
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 11:10 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
You ABSOLUTELY should leave to be with family right away if that's an option. I would suggest you go tomorrow if that was possible! It will help you collect your thoughts and keep you safe from anything to do with him and OW.
humantrampoline ( member #61458) posted at 11:14 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
I was trying to express what clouds777 said. Your decisions about the child should be your decision, not your husband's. And it seems you should separate from his influence physically. I wouldn't say this in a normal relationship, but he doesn't need to be told until you are ready.
He already made decisions for you and your marriage and this baby without you. Take care of yourself.
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 11:38 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022
Do whatever you need to take care of yourself and your unborn child. Like others have said, let your H deal with his AP. If he's really serious about keeping the marriage, then he needs to get his shit together and get his ass in therapy to figure out if he won't just do this again the next time he becomes sexually attracted to another pretty face.
Look up your options and protect yourself financially. I'm all in favor of moving to where you'll get the most support, but you may need to look up the laws on that just in case. I've seen situations where a pregnancy was discovered in the middle of a split, and both parents were ordered to stay within the same area for the stability of the child (???).
Sorry you had to join this club, especially at a time where you're supposed to be happy and celebrating.
[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:13 AM, Saturday, February 19th]
Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 12:19 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I feel just awful for you! Your baby is a blessing and I do hope you decide to keep your child in your life (things happen for a reason) Have you discussed the possibility of your WH having no contact with the ap, and just supporting the baby financially? Visitation could be arranged by maybe a third party pickup or drop off, or you could be present for any exchanges. You need to express your apprehension about contact to your WH. Is there a chance you would consider reconciliation if your WH went to counseling and did the work to show you he would be a safe partner for you? You hold all the cards on this one. He could be a good father to both children an go totally no contact with the ow if he wants to make your marriage work. Just a thought if he is truly remorseful and realize s what he needs to do to make things work.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:30 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I’m not sure how this would play out in court if he decided to have a DNA test in the future. There are so many legal reasons for you to take it easy and be slow in deciding. If this is your only chance to have a baby please give yourself time to think about it. You and he might be able to coparent just fine. It does not sound like he loves the other woman. I don’t know you, I don’t know the circumstances, but I think you are so brokenhearted that you are having difficulty making any rational decisions. That’s understandable. I would be blown sideways if my husband had done this. If you are going to have this baby you’re going to love every minute of it. If you decide to not have it that’s your choice and your body. No one can tell you what to do. I will say this though don’t make a decision that you will regret later. Give yourself time to grieve, get your life back on track, and then decide.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:39 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
Infidelity is fantasy, and often the way we think about infidelity can be fantasy too.
The BIG DIFFERENCE between your pregnancy and the OW pregnancy is that you are married to the father. What that means is that your husband is automatically assumed to be the father and will be listed as the father. Even if you could somehow automatically divorce effective of now then in most states and countries there is an assumption of paternity for 9 months after divorce.
With the OW she has to claim it’s your husband that is the father, and if he requests it or refuses to acknowledge paternity a legal test (DNA) will be done and a judge declare him the father if the test supports that decision.
So drop all ideas about not letting him know. You don’t need to tell him right now, but he has a right to know (and will be told) about the pregnancy eventually.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:50 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I want to offer you a suggestion on the next steps…
You might recognize some of it because it’s basically what I suggested in my post on your other thread.
One thing you have to your advantage is time. It’s maybe not the longest of times, but there is no need to take or make any decisive irreversible decision right NOW. I would suggest you use this time to do the following:
Take care of yourself. Get your pregnancy set up: visit the doctor and get whatever vitamins and supplements suggested and spend a couple of days just thinking about what’s going on inside you.
Consult with a family attorney. Do this without your husband because this meeting is to get you information to aid you in deciding your next steps. Issues you need answers to are:
What to expect in divorce. What’s the process, what’s the division of assets, what ways can you go about it and so on. Consider this like learning CPR – it’s done so you are clear on your options rather than because you have already decided to divorce.
What is the process for establishing paternity. IF you decide to work on the marriage the first step we would recommend is that your husband establishes NC with the OW and makes it clear that she will need to sue him for paternity. This is a standard procedure in most states and countries and is often initiated by the officials if she names him on the birth certificate. He will get a chance to give a DNA sample and that will prove/disprove paternity.
What can you two expect moving on as a married couple? What about custody or access to child? What about child-support? What impacts CS? Does the child impact inheritance? What are the legal obligations? Can the mother deny access?
What about if you divorce. What would his obligations be towards you, the baby (if you keep it) and so on. What rights will he have to the child? Can he restrict where you live?
With the above knowledge the murky pool you are looking into might clarify a bit. It’s still a long swim but this info can help you decide your best path.
Once you have this you are in such a better place to decide your next steps.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:11 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I’m so very sorry you’re in such a difficult situation. I wish I could give you a huge hug in person, even though I don’t know you. You seem incredibly strong and thoughtful. Whatever decision you make will be the best one for you. Please take care of yourself—that’s the big thing right now. ❤️
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 2:06 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I have read all the comments. I am really listening, I am taking all the advice into consideration. One poster really spoke to me, by saying,"You are so brokenhearted that you are having difficulty making any rational decisions." Yes.It is true.I am a mess.I have been really struggling this day. I am overwhelmingly anxious! My husband noticed. I was in the kitchen,trying to figure out what to eat and my anxiety was obvious. He said he's concerned about me. He said I should lay down. I did.I had time to think.I read comments and I am crazy to even consider aborting my baby. I am keeping my baby. I know, my husband has every right to know about this pregnancy. I know I can stop fantasizing about running way with my baby and he never finding out about me giving birth.
I'm in my mid 40s I had difficulty getting pregnant so, I know he will never believe I would have gotten pregnant randomly from a sexual fling. His behavior towards me today, he seems to possibly suspect that I am pregnant. It's a possibility we've been "trying" it's going to come out at the March appointment anyway. So I need to just face my reality.
My husband again is begging to talk. Saying he is losing his mind. He says he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. He says he wants no contact with the OW. He wants a Lawyer to handle the support for the child. The visitation as well.
I overheard a phone call from the OW to him. He was very harsh in time to her. He said he didnt want her calling him and she has his lawyers number. He cursed at her and he spoke down to her in a way, I was sort of shocked. He spoke to her like a child.I felt it was a disrespectful tone.
He told her he wants nothing to do with her until the child is born. Other things were said. But he was walking around downstairs and he went out of earshot.
I grateful my husband has never raised his voice or even had a harsh tone with me. I just wonder if this is just a little insight to what's to come. Once they have the baby, will they constantly argue. Will he get angry when she calls for money? Or his help with the child in any way. I have been thinking about what Co Parenting would look like? I know that he would definitely want a DNA test as soon as he hears I had a child. I know just from him not wanting to let me go now, he will NEVER let me go if I tell him I'm pregnant.
He will fight me for his baby every step of the way. He would never be okay with me moving 3,000 Miles away. He's wanted this baby so badly. He was (or so I thought) so inlove with me. He always talked about the "baby" he may be feeling differently now that he knows he finally has a baby on the way with his AP.
He may not want a baby with me at all. He may let me leave for L.A. I don't think he loves her, he told me he didnt. But he was with her for 7months and I know its hurting him that he hurt me. I doubt he would tell me he was in love with her.
Someone asked me in a post if he agreed to never contact the OW, to only financially support the baby would I consider reconciliation? My husband just asked me the same thing. He was crying and saying he is willing to do anything. He was not sleeping with her for the past month and a half because he was trying to break away from the affair. He had even confessed to his Father! He asked him what he needed to do. I dont know if I can ever move forward in this marriage
I do love my husband I don't know how I'm going to live without him. He was my best friend and he was everything to me. I know it's my pain talking, I will figure it out. But I hate divorce. I never wanted to Divorce or be a single Mom.
I know I have to focus on my health now and plan on my next move. As one poster said. I need to tread slow. There's a lot of legal consequences when a child is involved. I am speaking with a Lawyer and educating myself on making smart decisions. The help I have received here has been absolutely incredible and helpful. I am so appreciative.
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 2:44 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
One day at a time. Worry about all that when you're in a much clearer and calmer headspace. Stressing yourself out too much can be detrimental for the pregnancy. Keep taking care of yourself, educating yourself, and protecting yourself. Imo, don't worry about your H right now.
That phone call with the OW sounded promising as evidence of his remorse. But words are easy. His actions are what you'll need to pay attention to. Whether he can back his words up in the long run. But like I said, don't worry about him for now.
I feel for you and the unborn children.