SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If his OW is ghosting him I guess she was lying. That might be the best thing for everyone.

How long have you been married? Short time you don’t have much invested in him. Longer might mean you were more committed to him. Not trying to get you upset but he might find someone else and then your baby has a stepmother. There are so many things to think about but you still need peace and quiet.

Oh my God she anchor babied him. That’s terrible. I’m truly sorry you’re dealing with this.

Hope you make the best decision for yourself

You need to set some firm boundaries with him regardless of what you ultimately choose to do, you deserve to be respected, and he needs to do that by giving you space.

Flowers are a waste of money. Tell him to stop and if he wants to show how much he loves you he will get his ass in therapy and figure his shit out.
This is a man that made a choice multiple times to cheat on a woman that was actively seeking fertility treatment to have his baby. That is a wholel ot of messed up.

If his OW is ghosting him I guess she was lying.

I agree. If she really thought the baby was his she would be more than willing to do the paternity test - at the very least have it performed post-birth.

He should not contact her anymore, period.

You take the space and time that you need and tell your WH that it may behoove him to leave you alone and stop with the love bombing as it is causing more harm than good by creating unneeded stress for you, which carries over to the baby. If he can't respect that boundary, then he is 100% doing this "R" for himself so he doesn't look bad.

((((HUGS))))

I was going to guess that if she was ghosting him, there is a very good chance she is not even pregnant. That however does not really solve your issues with him and his infidelity.

Since you are in your early stages of pregnancy and this is a true blessing b/c you've been trying for a long time, please take care of you and your unborn. Let your WH deal with the other woman, and whether she is preggo or not, or if the baby is his or not. That's not your issue now. Right now, please take good care of you and your health.

If you seek peace there is no reason he has to be invited, and dont' allow him to pressure you into coming to the Dr. visits. That is not some legal mandate. There is no law that says he has to show up or be there. Especially if it is causing you more harm than good to have him there pestering you to take him back. Its YOU AND THE BABY FIRST.

If he really wants to save this, he can get into IC, work a shit ton on himself and you can observe from a distance. He has the rest of his life to make it up to you and the baby

This is a man that made a choice multiple times to cheat on a woman that was actively seeking fertility treatment to have his baby. That is a whole lot of messed up.

This is so true. With his own brother as the fertility doctor no less. Him cheating while actively trying to conceive, is beyond cruel.

He cheated for 5 months? Not a one off.

It MAY not be his child. She MAY not be pregnant. She MAY be pissed off that he's questioning paternity, implying she sleeps around...BUT he could have got her pregnant and even if she's not, he's put you through hell because of his actions. If the OW didn't threaten to tell you or come up with this pregnancy... you never would have known the affair happened.

You both should have been celebrating your pregnancy happily....but he's ruined that and you'll never forget that when you found out you were pregnant, you couldn't share that joy with him, because of what he did.

sandylee. You really nailed it when you said I couldn't even share the happiness with him, because of his actions.
True. I want to keep this from friends and family until I am far enough to know that I am safe in carrying to term.
It was supposed to be our special time. To know of this little life before everyone else and love him/her together in private.
Now it wont happen. I live hours away, and I have cut him out. I avoid him when possible.

I'm not sure if it's for me or himself. He is in IC mad he's "working on himself " I am trying to focus on my new life. How I will support this baby and myself with balance. I asked him to stop sending me flowers and to stop reaching out. He did apologize he knows it's not good for me to stress.
I just want peace and the ability to move on.

If he is truly working on himself and wants you back for the right reasons, he will respect your boundaries. While he will have a right to see his child, he does not have a right to intrude on your life and certainly does not have a right to a relationship with you.

It is reasonable that even if he DOES somehow become a better man, you do not owe him reconciliation. He did this to you, on purpose. He did it a lot and for many many many days. He is continuing to be selfish by love bombing you. Take all the space and time you need. Every time he disrespects your boundaries, he is chipping away at any chance of reconciliation. He is just demonstrating over and over that he was fine with hurting you but now that HE is hurting, he suddenly needs to fix it. But do not feel guilt. I stayed and tried to reconcile with the most remorseful cheater ever for 2 years, mostly because of guilt. Eventually I had to face this and accept the relationship ended when he cheated and that it was NOT MY FAULT. Just like this is not your fault.

Maybe you will want to reconcile eventually. Maybe you won't. Both are acceptable choices and most of all they are YOUR choices. You should not be considering his feelings or his love bombing. And you can change your mind whenever you want.

That was an awesome post, Clouds! Especially:

If he is truly working on himself and wants you back for the right reasons, he will respect your boundaries. While he will have a right to see his child, he does not have a right to intrude on your life and certainly does not have a right to a relationship with you.

I wrote above in haste but I think you are making decisions in haste. Feeling safe and peaceful is a perfect place to be but sit still for a while and ask yourself some questions. Are you truly ready to move on in your life? With or without him is the second thing you need to process. The first is the health of you and your baby. My question to family and friends as we maneuver our way through life is, "How do I feel around this person?" If you always felt unsettled then moving out sounds like a smart thing. If your relationship before that was reasonably smooth then you and he might find a way to stay married. The overall question is why, when you both were trying for a baby, did he feel like cheating. That needs an answer.

Limoncello

I don’t think any betrayed spouse or partner ever really gets an answer to the question of "why" the cheater made the decisions they did/do.

The only real reason, in my opinion, is because they wanted to.

My H came up with a bunch of reasons initially as to why he felt justified to cheat. They were just a bunch of nonsense like I didn’t love him or support him blah blah blah. In fact my H told me I married him but I didn’t love him. Most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Of course during his "begging to Reconcile" period he admitted he just said that stuff to justify his choice to cheat.

So it may be in your best interest not to even try to go down that road. It may just upset you and frustrate you even more.

Just know your H never expected you to up and leave him. He just thought he was special enough that you would just take him back and sweep this all under the rug. Or maybe he thought you would never find out.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:46 PM, Thursday, March 3rd]

The most important thing here is your physical and mental health, always important but especially in a new pregnancy. I think simply telling him this and getting yourself into ic to find your truth putting the pressure off a decision till after the first trimester maybe a good way forward. Initially my voice was up cheat I am gone. You may find with no contact and taking the mental presssure of an immediate plan healthy.

Actions not words. Your husbands words are positive for reconciliation BUT they are only words. I think it is wise that you are distancing yourself from him. After he finds out if he is the father of the affair baby you will be in a better position to make a decision on your future.

If I had it to over again, I would have separated immediately. Not because it would have been a final decision, but because of the opportunity to THINK, for me, and get space. Like you're doing now.

Instead we stayed in the same house. Going ballistic was my response to D-day and I have no regrets. I just really wish I had had time to myself then too. Going ballistic was prompted by the shit platter I was presented with, but also by the assorted parade of provocations after. I could have done without the added torment.

At the same time I was spinning and had a million questions I had to have answered then and immediately. If I had left I probably would have been calling him constantly demanding answers. Still, remorseful and confused as he was, being in his proximity was so destructive. Another person was emerging from me, my dark self. I didn't like her. His f.ucking affair was causing me my own undoing.

They say here, after something like this, the innocence is gone. Well, it's been a couple of years, and I do admire him again. I see the beauty in him again. I am able to be my authentic self again. I didn't think it was possible. That was my criteria, my authenticity, and I see it in him too. It's intuitive, but that's how I gauge our trust.

None of us here know either of you and the advice you get is based on the experiences of people who wish you well and who have their own experiences as a reference point, not yours.

Take care of yourself and take the time you need.

[This message edited by Elica at 5:31 AM, Saturday, March 5th]

Thank You "Elica" for sharing. I do understand that everyone means well. Noone personally knows myself or my husband, and I also understand everyone is speaking out by their own personal experiences and they mean well,and I am so grateful!!! Thank You ALL!
I am thankful that I have a brother in Law who is caring enough to look out for me,and help me find a modest and comfortable home. I have had time to reflect and collect myself. I love the Culinary Arts. I'm a trained chef, so cooking is the ultimate relaxation for me. Entering friends and just enjoying the company of family and friends is all I need. I have learned to live simply. Which I will need to do so I can support myself and my baby.
My only regret is that I let the thought of not having my baby cross my mind. As I have said in earlier post, I was pregnant once before. When I was 22. I was in a very abusive relationship. Physically abused. He caused me to miscarry after I was beaten so badly I was in a coma. I later met my husband and we had such difficulties conceiving. I'm not a young girl anymore. This may be my Last chance of having a child. So I am so grateful for this blessing.
I went home to see my Doctor yesterday, and all is well with my baby.I am healthy as well!!! But yesterday was a very triggering day. My Husband was at the Doctor office. I would never deny him his baby or him being able to participate in the life of our child. I was just blindsided by him showing up. I allowed him in. He should be able to participate. He sobbed the entire time. He asked to touch my stomach. He said he was so ashamed of himself and apologized for destroying this for us profusely. I was kind to him, I dont feel sorry for him, but everyone deserves respect. I told him I would keep him updated but its best we not be in constant contact. He told me that he would respect my wishes, he loved and missed me, but ultimately he was concerned because he heard, my Abusive Ex. Was looking for me, why?? I don't know. He has served time. But my husband very concerned for my wellbeing.
I had to return home soon, so I grabbed a bite and who else but the OW was there as well. She asked me if we could talk. She told me A LOT! About the affair. How my Husband has turned vile. He really mistreated and disrespected her since telling me about the affair. She says she disappeared on him because he was hurting her??!!
Everything she told me lines up with what he told me as well. She says she loves him more than anything???!!!@@%%
She wants him to marry her and raise their child. So I guess, the baby is my husband. She went away to protect herself.
I know at least he was honest. I guess I am trying to figure out where to take it from here.

It honestly looks like you’re doing all you can. You’re maintaining boundaries and being more than accommodating with your husband.

Just don’t get caught up in his and OW’s drama. Whatever the heck is happening with them is something they have to solve for themselves. It’s alarming that she says he hurts her. That doesn’t seem like someone safe to have around an unborn child.

Keep focusing on yourself. You have your own baby to think about.

I am concerned about that bit about your abusive ex, though. If you believe your H, I hope he has no way of contacting you or finding you.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 7:14 PM, Saturday, March 5th]

Forks027 Thanks for e looking out for me. My Abusive EX I pray has no contact. My husband wants me to stay with him to protect me. I don't know what I need to do.

It’s time to have a PI. Explain about the violent ex and your miscarriage and that you want to make sure he can’t find you. The PI can get all this info on the down low and just keep you posted. It’s worth money for you to never be around that man again.

I am so glad you like to entertain. It will keep you connected to lots of folks. It sounds like you are using compassion and boundaries. Kindness and the ability to say no help keep us stable.

Please let us know how things are going. I think we all have a vested interest in your future.

Stay safe.

Please take anything other woman says with a grain of salt. She knew what she was in for when she slept with a married man. Also, was he "hurting her" emotionally or physically? Just focus on yourself, and hopefully you can keep your whereabouts hidden from your ex. Take care of you!

Quite a coincidence that your ex is suddenly looking for you..now ....when your husband is desperately trying to get you back..and of course he wants you to stay with him..so he can protect you.

Bullshit. He's lying. He's making it up. He's trying to scare you into coming back home.

And your husband is being so awful to OW, yet she wants to marry him.

She's a woman who had no problem inserting herself into your marriage. That means she has no character, and low morals. There's no reason to believe everything she tells you.

I think you should NC them both.

You don't have to allow him around you at all. He can be involved with the baby,once the baby is here. But, right now,he's using that baby to get closer to you.

Boundaries.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:00 PM, Saturday, March 5th]